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#319060 - 01/16/10 04:15 AM Do all survivors cheat?
givemestrength Offline


Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 26
Ok...so I realise the answer to this question is no but I'm just wondering how common this is...

My husband has lied to me and betrayed my trust many times over but swares he has not cheated on me physically with anyone...

I believe him...most of the time...but sometimes i am so overwhelmed with fear that he will hurt me again or that he already has in worse ways that what I know...

we are going really well at the moment...this probably has something to do with this fear I'm having...it's hard letting your guard down..again and again and again..

Also I just found out I'm pregnant again...obviously this has something to do with my anxiety too...I just hope it's all irrational fear and hormones and not something more..

sometimes reading other people's posts is detrimental..does anyone else find that? Sometimes I start projecting other people's experiences onto ours...very very unhelpful!! (obviously this is a fault of my own and not the other person who has posted!!)

Also I just wanted to say to ALL doing it tough but who are hanging in there and giving it your best shot...you are amazing!

I feel better now...think I just needed to have a rant as I'm feeling much less anxious and fearful

maybe it is just hormones...


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#319072 - 01/16/10 09:25 AM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: givemestrength]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1338
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:23 PM)
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#319087 - 01/16/10 11:42 AM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: Obi]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
HI, Givemestrength,

I DID. I hated myself for it. I had 2 affairs with men before I got honest with my ex-wife during a 6 month period. I was to frightened to deal with the details of the csa. I have dealt more with the csa now. I have been divorced for 20 years.

This is an individual thing with everybody/survivor. I can be committed now but, I could not before "recovery".

DJ



Edited by DJsport (01/16/10 12:38 PM)
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Live to your fullest potential

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#319134 - 01/16/10 10:29 PM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: DJsport]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6453
Loc: Right Behind You!
????

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#319147 - 01/17/10 01:08 AM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: Still]
givemestrength Offline


Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 26
Obi- thanks for your response I really get what your saying about extremes! And definitely get what you were saying about survivors having been through extreme circumstances and thus things manifesting themselves in extremes too! Your insight has been helpful so thank you...it's so good to hear it from your perspective.

DJ- thankyou for your response also. I'm sad to hear that that was your experience but glad to know that with healing you can now be committed.
I know it's an individual thing for everyone sometimes its just easier to ask silly questions to keep them from going round and round in my head!
This might sound silly also but what was your road to recovery like? I've heard a lot about 12 step programs and things from this site but (from my husband's experience in getting help) I feel like healing around sexual assault in Australia is handled a bit differently. I don't really know but I that's what I've got from his experience, and mine.

Robbie- sometimes it does seem that way!!! I have known about what happened to my husband for about two and a half years now and there has come many points at which I thought I had no other option than to run but thankfully I didn't!! Still find it hard not to wonder if he has been unfaithful to me...though I feel like a complete dog for even writing it!

Thank you all for your responses, it means a lot.
Take care.


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#319148 - 01/17/10 01:59 AM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: givemestrength]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 821
Loc: Ohio
givemestrength,

I have not cheated on my wife. Thankfully I can say that. What the statistics are? You can probably google it but be critical of the source. Even before I remembered the truly devastating abuse and before we were married, I was open about my being bisexual and some of the issues I faced. That helped tremendously when I started recovering memories and the impact showed. My wife trusted me. It is hard to tell you whether your husband is trustworthy, truth is we don't know. The therapist my wife and I are seeing addressed my wife's fears that I might become an abuser by asking if she knows of any instance that I engaged in inappropriate behavior. The answer was no. The therapist then said that if I were disposed to do so, I would have done it by now.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#319150 - 01/17/10 02:15 AM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: catfish86]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: catfish86
I have not cheated on my wife. Thankfully I can say that.


Good for those who don't cheat. Give yourself a pat on the back. It is unfortunate that survivors judge other survivors for being "sinful" and NOT able to handle it.

It is tough to forgive and find meaning in a relationship. It is important to be true to yourselves.

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#319186 - 01/17/10 02:31 PM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: DJsport]
leftylib Offline


Registered: 01/17/10
Posts: 11
Hi,

I'm new here I'm a 28 year old woman dating a 49 year old man who is a survivor of abuse. This is a relatively new relationship, but already I can realte to what you're saying. He has some compulsive homosexual tendancies and I don't even know how I'd respond if I found him with another woman, but he's said things to me like he could do better or pointed out women he thinks he'd be more compatible with and sometimes I just feel like he's seeking revenge against women and doesn't want me to be happy and doesn't want to give me the approval I need and try to give him.

I've tried to be totally open. I've basically stood back while he's messed around with men never really knowing the specific details. The bottom line is this can be very dangerous behavior disease wise especially since he's trying to hide it. To me that's probably the most important factor.

But the emotional repercussions of being with a man who is an abuse survivor can create a very substantial amount of loneliness.

I'm in therapy and I've started attending Al-Anon meetings and I'm trying to seek validation and stability outside the relationship since there is very little within the relationship.

Only you can say how much you can tolerate, but what's really important, I think anyway, is that you get some emotional safeguards in place for yourself and that you work on yourself despite what he does - and it's true you absolutely cannot force an addict or a person who is wounded to heal before their own time - it's kind of like greif and mourning - it is its own cycle and we don't do anyone a service if we try to force resolution of their feelings.

Wishing you much luck and good feelings about yourself, because I know you mean well.

Lefty


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#319207 - 01/17/10 07:13 PM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: leftylib]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Hey Lefty,

About a year ago my long term partner and I broke up, in no small part because of our sexuality. I am bisexual, 80/20% straight or so, which she knew about from the beginning but had a hard time accepting. Not because she was homophobic but instead to do with me being with anyone other than her.

Ironically, later in our relationship she approached me and broached the subject of sex with other people as a couple, namely her, me and another girl. Of course I said yes but it didn't turn out well. In the end my partner left me for her, who died unexpectedly at a young age less than a year later. I don't know what else to say except that sexual fun is one thing and intimacy and connection with someone is another.

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Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#319214 - 01/17/10 09:14 PM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: jls]
leftylib Offline


Registered: 01/17/10
Posts: 11
Hi There,

Thank you for your response. To be honest I think I could deal with it if we found a bisexual male to be with both of us (and I could deal with women maybe too)or if he could articulate his desires instead of just passive aggressively showing me, but I suppose all that he's been through has conditioned him to believe sexual contact with males must be covert. He saw a gay male a few times and now we have a bisexual male friend who we're not sleeping with but who is cohesive between he and I somewhat - whereas the gay male was kind of enabling my boyfriend to be abusive as a catalyst for their sex acts in private.

I agree that intimacy and sex can be seperate sometimes and I thank you for sharing your story of this relationship and wish you well in full acceptance of your identity.


Lefty


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