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#319025 - 01/15/10 06:35 PM What kind of person were you? (before the abuse)
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I'm sorry about this post not pertaining to anyone who was abused as an adult, for this relates entirely to CSA:

I've had this thought I've been entertaining of late; Have you ever thought, I mean REALLY though of just WHO you were before you were sexually abused?

I was bright, gifted, a proud non-conformist, all the more determined in the prospect of failure, and CONFIDENT in my abilities to surmount almost any obstacle.

Not too long ago, my dad wrote of how, one day, when I was very young, was having difficulty learning how to skate in the ice. It was a brand new experience for me, and it was like learning how to walk all over again. He offered his hand to help me, but I refused. I insisted that I could do it myself, and I was only 6 years old! I was independent. I didn't go to my parents for help with anything. I did things on my own.

When I was in 2ond grade, I remember having memorized every major organ in the human body, I remember learning all the bones in the body, I remember having dreams and aspirations of becoming a surgeon. I wanted to operate on people. I had dreams.

About a year later, I was sexually abused for the most of a summer between 3rd and 4th grade. The result? My life. Such a waste. (I know that some of you will suggest otherwise, but this is how I feel about me)

How about you guys? What kind of boy were you?


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#319026 - 01/15/10 06:39 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1400
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:21 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#319033 - 01/15/10 08:04 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Obi]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2453
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers.

Hauser, your life was not a waste. I think that at times we all feel like a bunch of losers.
We never give oursefs credit for doing positave(sp)? things in our lives.

From what i remember as that little boy, i was a terror, i could not be tamed.I was shuffeled from school to school. And finally ending up in that orphanage/home. But, nobody ever asked me just why. But i was born to be hated, i was the wrong one that lived.

With all the odds stacked against us, we boys have indeed became men, and did the best that we knew how to do.

You say your life was a waste???

2889, posts, Wow, talking from the depths of your soul, to ohers here. You have given me a piece of your soul in helping me.

Hardly a wasted life to me.

Heal well & cheer up. my fraternal brother,Hauser, heal well

Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose).

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#319053 - 01/16/10 01:18 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: petercorbett]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
I believe that this does pertain to adult victoms. Because I was a Soldger in the US Army When I was raped . Bfore this I was an average soldger . And before that I was a normal Average Teanager .
After I was Raped I lost all of my Inocence and Lost Faith in the Military System of Justice . and have becone a person that Is a loner and does not trust Most people

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#319054 - 01/16/10 01:23 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: OKIE MIKE]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I was a bouncing happy little boy...great soldier and loving dad....

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#319055 - 01/16/10 01:27 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: OKIE MIKE]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 826
Loc: Ohio
Before I was raped, I was a boy born to a badly hurting mother who had been divorced. I had problems with the umbilical cord choking me at birth with starved my brain of oxygen. I was very slow in development, actually being schooled at a cerebral palsy center prior to attending school. My brain apparently self repaired as I grew. At 8yo, my uncle heaped pain, fear and confusion into this mix. I had enough to struggle against without this being added. You struggle and you survive it. At some point you have to smile back at life and say, "Is that the best shot you got?"

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#319056 - 01/16/10 01:42 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: catfish86]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: catfish86
My brain apparently self repaired as I grew.


I think this is so, so cool, that the brain does actually repair itself. This is a fairly new idea to science but I really think it's true. I think also that I experienced some brain spontaneous healing.

In fact I think that happens to all of us (MS survivors) in our process of healing from CSA. The brain has to actually undergo healing in order for us to get better. That's why I take vitamin B complex pills every day. They are necessary for cell growth.

Even so, catfish, I think your story of brain repair is remarkable.

Allen


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#319069 - 01/16/10 09:06 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: pufferfish]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1400
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:22 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#319080 - 01/16/10 10:40 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Obi]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Mike, you're absolutely right, this does apply to adults that were victimized as well.

Obit, Peter? I'm touched by your sentiments and kind words (my life having not been wasted) However, I am compelled to defer you to the picture below and note some things that have changed in the lives of my classmates since the summer of 78'

Kert is now a successful restaurant franchise owner, married, kids, home, etc.

Joe is now a corporate lawyer, big house, married, kids, etc.

Tom is a Principle for a charter school not far from our home town, married, kids, house, etc.

I last saw Mary at a local restaurant back in 2001, she had a 9yo son with her, she told me she was a stay-at-home mom, married to a successful guy, etc.

Scott is successfully self-employed, home-owner, married, kids, etc.

Rob is making almost 100K per year as a kitchen manager for a country club, I don't know anything else about his personal life, however.

I could go on, but I think you get the point.

As for me, at age 40, I work for a contractor with no benefits, I MIGHT start making 30k per year in a few months, but that's contingent on my performance, I wouldn't be surprised if I failed. My social life? Well, I've made some local friends from here at MS, and that's about all I have here. Meeting women has been a challenge for me, I only just now have some semblance of enough dignity to even approach them, only to to see upon closer inspection that they're wearing a ring (the good ones were taken a long time ago it seems), and the ones that aren't have to mention the word "boyfriend", no matter how innocuous and trivial I might make my introductory line to her. I'm not part of any volunteer organizations, the one that I once tried volunteering for rejected me because I "wasn't a good fit" (that was a great feeling, let me tell you) My self-image is only marginally better than it was when I was less than gainfully employed. I'm not reallly enjoying anything. I've gone back to drinking the last year or so simply because my life feels so boring and empty, that at least I get SOME temporary reprieve from the emotional emptiness I feel. I'm a social misfit in the classic sense. My life is obviously a shadow of what it was meant to be, and I'm in no position to change it to one where I can say "I'm happy with my life".

So, once again, I thank you for your kind words, but please acknowledge that a huge chunk of what I was meant to be was shattered into a million pieces, and that I have a long way to go before I can claim that the waste of potential is no longer a defining part of me.

(for reference, I'm 3rd from the right, on the bottom, circled. This was taken appx 6 months after the sexual abuse occurred, you can contrast this expression with the one on my avatar, and the change is, for the lack of a better word, ugly)








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#319089 - 01/16/10 12:43 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Hauser,
I was at first in agreement with the OP. I often get frustrated by people hearing something in what I say that isn't there and then running me over with protestations of "oh no you're not". I sucks beyond belief because it just shows me they aren't listening to me and they have also cut off whatever I was leading into as well.

After your second post I think maybe the other postings of encouragement are warranted. You are not defective. You are not incapable of helping yourself, and the remark [I'm in no position to change it to one where I can say "I'm happy with my life".] is just plain wrong.
The fact that you are here at MS is proof that you can change things. You want to change things but maybe like me you're not sure of how.

As for the drinking it isn't working for you like you think it is. The dulling of the mind that alcohol provides you, makes a way to dissociate from the pain you are trying to avoid. The drink will eventually fail. If you continue you will progressively drink more and more and stronger and stronger drink until it doesn't work any longer. By then most are physically addicted and can't stop easily. Often they need medical help to do so.

In my case I never even started to figure out the full extent of my abuse until 11 years after I first got sober. I lost my sobriety at 8 1/2 years and got into trouble at 11 years after my first sobriety. Even though I lost my sobriety, doing the steps helped me greatly. I had some really rough times dealing with past issues but I also learned how to accept myself and how to be happy in myself as I was. I finally understood I was not defective. I began to grow as a man and as a person for the first time in my life it was conscious and purposeful growth.
For the most part my problems were/are all functional. In other words a matter of education. It's difficult to gain this knowledge as an adult as most people like to claim they figured it out themselves when in fact they were taught. I've had people teach their children this or that right in front of me then go on to insist that everyone has to figure it out on their own.

The mental and emotional issues are not outrageous or abnormal and can be dealt with by competant honest doctors.

I encourage you to keep coming here until you regain your equalibrium, you will, this malaise will pass, and then you will see that the negative dips in life aren't permanent. I think you know this. Oh yea, drink is a depressant and will exacerbate the negative feelings in the long run.
I too was going to be a doctor and a writer as well. That hasn't panned out but I don't dwell on what might have been as I can only control what is right now. The Serenity Prayer is a good reminder of this.
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I wish you well Hauser and I think you're gonna be just fine. Money and power aren't the only scales by which to judge life's accomplishments. Learning how to be happy with life as it is, is in my mind a much larger accomplishment and anyone can do it. The only requirement is that you try for it.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#319103 - 01/16/10 02:17 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: kidneythis]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1400
Loc: kansas
..


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:24 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#319117 - 01/16/10 06:08 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Hauser
Mike, you're absolutely right, this does apply to adults that were victimized as well.
...
Obit, Peter? I'm touched by your sentiments and kind words (my life having not been wasted) However, I am compelled to defer you to the picture below and note some things that have changed in the lives of my classmates since the summer of 78'
...
I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Hauser,

I think this is a really interesting post / thread. I think it's interesting to see what some of the people have become. But it doesn't make me think anything less of you. You've done well in spite of some trauma.

Originally Posted By: Hauser

...was taken appx 6 months after the sexual abuse occurred, you can contrast this expression with the one on my avatar, and the change is, for the lack of a better word, ugly)


We must, as survivors, take stock of ourselves and what happened and how it affected us. We can't change that. But we can change the here and now. That's what we're responsible for.

Allen


In the pictures, it looks like you're the only "swinger". lol smile




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#319118 - 01/16/10 07:04 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: pufferfish]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
To All,

I think Allen made an exceptionally valid point. That in spite of what happened you are alive and making a life at some level. To this day I cannot figure out how I even have a career since I have sabotaged it so many times. I have so many regrets. I never got my full licensure for my occupation. Could be making more money and have more doors to open for me. Could relocate a lot easier than the struggle I am now having to do so.

I agree - this does apply to all of us. I was assualted at 29. And he and I are very different guys. I miss a lot of who he was but still find that spark in me and now am trying to nurture it to a fuller flame. I hope it engulfs me one day and I see that he is really there inside me. I hope that makes sense. It does to me.

My sock cap is off to you all. Now, who will we now become?

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#319119 - 01/16/10 07:10 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: prisonerID]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
This is a great topic, great discussion and powerful words here.

I remember being a shy, kind, sweet, caring guy. I think in some ways I was super timid and the abuse just pushed me into the roll of a doormat.

I think at one point I may have missed that person I was, but I'm so grateful for the man I'm becoming.

I'm growing, maturing, being more assertive. Yeah I have moments of what if, or think about how things might have been differently, but it sure feels good to stand up for myself, and say hey world, this is Charlie.

Hauser, you say you were a bit of non-conformist, I think I've become one, I'm super independent. Still have progress to make in my life.

I can relate to feeling a little behind in life, so to speak. Just trying to move forward.


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#319124 - 01/16/10 08:03 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: prisonerID]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: prisonerID

I think Allen made an exceptionally valid point.

lol smile does that mean that if I make a valid point it is the exceptional one?

I know what you mean, I just can't resist a good joke!

Originally Posted By: prisonerID

That in spite of what happened you are alive and making a life at some level. To this day I cannot figure out how I even have a career since I have sabotaged it so many times. I have so many regrets.


I have forgiven myself (I think) for these kinds of things. BUTT, when I was in high school and college, I got so many "nibbles" (a fishing term) to do music (horn). I felt that I was such a loser person that the signals must be lying. Now my head has cleared a lot and I can see them but it is too late.

Also, I had other nibbles that I was good in some other things. But I was blind as a bat (so to speak)because of abuse. My whole perception of who I was and what I could do was strongly flavored by abuse experiences.

Originally Posted By: prisonerID

... Could be making more money and have more doors to open for me.


Likewise, in the job/profession I had, I must have come across as having little confidence and lacking in social skills. I must have messed up countless times in terms of not understandingt stuff because I had blinders on. I wasn't invited to many reindeer games (so to speak).

Originally Posted By: prisonerID

And he and I are very different guys. I miss a lot of who he was but still find that spark in me and now am trying to nurture it to a fuller flame. I hope it engulfs me one day and I see that he is really there inside me. I hope that makes sense. It does to me.


Abuse starting at 4 for me strongly clouded (or split) my conception of who I was. I still haven't found it. I see pictures of myself and it's like a glimmer in a dim TV screen. I can vaguely see the boy/man I was and that I was supposed to be. But there are several pictures that give me different glimpses of who I am. So I still haven't focused. Thus the exigincies of DID.

Originally Posted By: prisonerID

My sock cap is off to you all. Now, who will we now become?


Thanks! smile Sock it to us!


Allen


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#319125 - 01/16/10 08:09 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: pufferfish]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Allen,

smile


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#319127 - 01/16/10 08:28 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: prisonerID]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Who was I? Outgoing, adventurous, extroverted, self-confident, innocent.

While I have tried hard to resurrect most of these traits later, it has been difficult and forced. To my core I feel these attributes are innately mine but they have been deeply burried. Despite all the digging, I have yet to unearth them.

The most difficult part of all this is when I dwell on "if" questions. Who would I have become if the abuse never happened? How would things be different if I had told? What if we had never moved to Calif.? Etc.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#319220 - 01/17/10 10:39 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Barkabus]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Hauser,

I HATE THAT FEELING!!!! That feeling of sadness and dissappointment with the way our lives have been can be extremely devastating (as you posted). "What have I become? What would I be like if I wasn't a victim of SA?" Those questions lead us to a mindset that sucks. Its frustrating knowing that so many of us have such a distorted view of ourselves and how our own perceptions of ourselves became so negative after the CSA.

Its ironic but, after dealing with some of these recovery issues, we could become the President of the U.S., or be an Olympian gold Medalist, or a great General and still feel like we're not good enough. The truth is that we are all magnificent no matter what we've done. We tend to focus on all of the negative and forget all of the good things we've done. That being said, we could be completely successful and still feel like failures. Now, sometimes we worry too much about what other people are doing and where they are in life and how we compare to them. We all have different strengths and weaknesses so its impossible to compare ourselves and it only leads to insecurity that isn't based, in anyway on reality.

I've read a lot of your posts and I appreciate you being here. Stay positive Hauser.

Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#319222 - 01/17/10 11:06 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: endlessjourney]
alan55 Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
Who was I before the abuse? I was a 5 year old blond blue eyed little boy who was living with parents who were struggling with their own issues and left me out. I went looking for affection/attention at the neighbors'. We all know where that went.
Who would I have been? I imagine a kid who grew up in an abusive home, but not having to deal with the CSA.Could I have dealt with just the physical/mental abuse and gone on with my life? I suppose. With help.


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#319343 - 01/19/10 01:52 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: alan55]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
Alan,

I can put on a strong face, or a confident face, or an outgoing face and at times I am these things. But truth is I carry around a lot of pain and at times I know it really shows. I know who I was as a kid and I had lots of good qualities and sans the abuse (there were other issues but those I am quite certain were surmountable) I am pretty sure I'd be in a MUCH different place than I am now. I could let it eat me up and truth is I've let it do so for a long time. But all I can do is try and make things better from this point forward. Yeah, I'd love to know what it was like to have a loving wife and good kids and live in a nice place. But honestly I can't see having my own kids at this point and there is hurt there. I know you have expressed the same. But there are other options in life and other ways to be. There can be happiness found in alternate paths, at least I am quite sure it is true and I am working to find those other ways. I also agree with Obi, in that there are people who on the surface project a perfect reality but don't always have it as good as they try to show it to be. I'm just saying I think many more people than are willing to admit have their personal issues. We just got stuck with one that can cause quite a bit of pain. Hang in there Alan and although maybe your current situation isn't ideal, keep trying to make improvements however small they may be at first. Let tiny victories build upon themselves. Sounds cheesy, but find joy in a nice day that doesn't even cost anything. But yeah, I know this stuff hurts inside and I'm glad you shared. As I have also shared before, I can relate to the drinking thing. I have caused a bit of damage in my life because of it and I know it is a dead-end street for me. Doesn't mean I have been able to fully get rid of it but I know for a fact it doesn't lead to anywhere for me.

Hey, look on the bright side (I always do this when I get bummed in regards to the "what ifs"): You could be married to a wife that hates you, have kids that are brats and be slaving away in misery to keep up appearances that things are to the contrary wink

I know, just trying to cheer you up a little. I do understand though that it hurts.

Eric


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#319459 - 01/20/10 03:07 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: ericc]
Joren Offline


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 51
Loc: US
I thought I should chime in, because it might be helpful for me to think about it this way.

I'm not really sure much changed for me due to the CSA. I was always "different" from others in the sense that I lived in an abusive household. I learned early on to be quiet and stay to myself. Before the CSA, however, I did manage to go outside and play with other kids although I never allowed anyone to become real 'friends' or get close emotionally.

After the CSA, my isolationism got worse. I found computers and learned to program and that was the end of hope for social skills. I finished HS and then dropped out of college due to family problems. Fifteen years later I went back, got my BS in Computer Science, and tried graduate school. I'm currently awaiting a hearing for disability for dissociative identity disorder, clinical depression, and PTSD.

When I look back at the before and after situations, I realize that all the CSA did to me was exacerbate things that were already present in my life. I've finally had to admit that I absolutely hate my life and who I am, so all that's left is the dealing with it. Oh yeah, and the fallout.

Mike

P.S. LOTS of guys named Mike on here.


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#319478 - 01/20/10 08:57 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Joren]
h.beat,h.break Offline


Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
I like this topic a lot because I rarely ever think about the type of boy I was because of the type of person I am now. But, since this topic is about the person you were and not the person you are now, I'll stop myself from entertaining any thoughts about wanting to dive in that pool of miasma right there wink

When I was 4-years old, I went on a trip to Florida with my mother. I can't remember how long we stayed there but I remember that we went to Walt Disneyland pretty much every waking moment. It was a freakin' blast smile I remember hugging Goofy then telling my mother how his face was all itchy. But the stay at the hotel was awesome! I was in that pool every waking moment and it was a pretty big pool too (for a 4 year old anyway) and everyday I had some new kid coming up to me wanting to talk. This one kid, who called himself Dr. Seuss, would come and talk to me everyday. He was much older than me too, all the kids that spoke to me were. I can't remember what we talked about, but we would talk for hours. I guess they didn't mind hanging around by the edge of the pool... because I couldn't swim grin My mother always said that from a young age I always drew people towards me. She always brings up other time when I would have kids surrounded by me either talking or playing, even older kids. She could never understand why so many kids were hanging around me by the pool and I didn't even know them. But I had fun with them though.

I was playful as a child and didn't care who I played with. I attracted people. I was friends with a lot of kids in my elementary school except the girls (because they had cooties). I was a child and I thought like a child and acted like one: I played. From the ages of 4 to 6 I played. And then, my cousin taught me a new game. She said that only two people can play this game. We played the game often with bonus games in between, for her anyway. We moved shortly after and then at the age of 6, my oldest brother taught me a "game" as well. I didn't want to, but he assured me that it would be good... for him.

I loved to play and I loved to interact with everyone. It must have made me feel something, because even in 2nd grade I still had a lot of friends... but that was because I was such a horrible child. I can't even believe I passed 2nd grade, let alone elementary. I was one bad student. My god, I was horrible grin And I stayed that way, just being bad for no reason, talking back to people, cursing, fighting, I was horrible. Man... I was really, really, a problem child except for high school. In high school, I was invisible, so there was nothing else I could do except homework and study. But, I was a playful little sprite though. The Pan of Foch Boulevard smile

_________________________
Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

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#319534 - 01/20/10 04:56 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
My sa happened to me as a street kid. I didn't realize it at the time but sex was all I had to trade then for finding a way to obtain the basics for staying alive. That was nearly 25 years ago. Since then I have become deeply involved in frontline work, in one capacity or another, with the homeless, kids and adults alike, which begs the question whether I would be doing the same thing today if my experience on the street as a kid never happened. I enjoy what I do but it can be hard. I feel burned out at times so I often wonder this. JS

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And weíll change the world.


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#319554 - 01/20/10 09:37 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
Paddy Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 16
Loc: MS Gulf Coast
Before the abuse, I was happy and had no cares..
After I was no longer happy and didn't care


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#319593 - 01/21/10 04:42 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Paddy]
Luka M Offline


Registered: 01/09/10
Posts: 4
Good question, it has really made me think.

I really dont remember enough from my early childhood to know what difference the abuse made to my personality. I have two vivid memories from when I was a toddler, after that it skips forward to the age of 4. The sa was with me then and continued throughout my childhood so has obviously had a huge effect on the man I have become.

Ive only appreciated in the last few years just how profound that effect has been. Dropping out of school, failed marriage, no interest in friendships, drug abuse, dead end jobs, hospitalization.

The good thing about being aware of this is that now I can change it. And believe me Ive been working hard to do that.

Im drug free, can drink socially and responsibly, have maintained work for the same company for the last 5 years and am doing reasonably well there too. When it comes to relationships I still have to work hard there. Im not that concerned in having friends or a partner, my sole focus is on my own and my sons emotional wellbeing. I may be missing out on connecting with others but its not an issue for me right now.

Because I am slowly but surely getting my life back together I am starting to think that before the abuse I may just have a been a great, happy, intelligent and playful little guy.


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#319613 - 01/21/10 10:40 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I was going to save the world. End racism, give everyone an education and set them all free with democracy and reason.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#319821 - 01/23/10 09:43 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: ericc]
alan55 Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
Eric ; Thanks for the kind words. Yes, indeed, we all could have been much different if the abuse had not occured. Sometimes I see other families and think "They must have it all together" but as we know, appearances are deceiving. We've all become pretty good at keeping up appearances. As I move through this with my T I find that its OK to be me. I'm 56 and just now discovering certain things about me are alright. I don't look like Fabio, but I don't look like Woody Allen either.I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I;m not a fool either.
Yes, I agree, Eric. It could be a lot worse! Thanks again for the encouragement. I needed that.


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#319912 - 01/24/10 06:56 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: alan55]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
Before?

I was just a normal kid, I was a scrawny little 5 y.o who just wanted to skate and bug my sister. I loved my dad and wanted to be just like him. I put worms in my sisters shoes and hair, I loved playing in the dirt and running around bare foot. I had no fear. I loved books and coloring. I loved music. I loved life.


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#319919 - 01/24/10 09:56 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Nyjah]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I'm remembering this morning that I was always begging my family to teach me something. They kept telling me to shut up. Then my siblings were assigned to teach me but they didn't, of course I can now see because thery were children.
The only interactions I recall were me being told to shut up, my brother terrorizing me, he got great pleasure from it. (4 years older) And the adults treating me like an infant or a toddler and never teaching me anything about growing up. my little sister knew more than me.
Maybe it was to stop me recalling something. I'm pretty sure someone abused me and tha family knew and wanted to silence me. I was very precoscious and spoke early, probablky from all the adults around me speaking all the time. Holy crap was I being abused by a pervert group my dad belonged to?! Everyone always talked about how children don't recall anything so they could do anything.
Puts that last post in perspective and speaks about who I have always been someone who wanted the best for everyone not just me.



Edited by kidneythis (01/24/10 10:03 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#320138 - 01/25/10 06:45 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: kidneythis]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
kinda sad thread

i think it's pointless though, what we live is what makes us the way we are.. i dont know what kind of person i was because my first memories envolve ..that.. i dont know when it started i guess i was meant to be the kind of person i am now, always at hospital, with doctors saying i cant take care of myself

i like what jls says btw..


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#320141 - 01/25/10 08:46 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abus [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 108
Loc: Long Island, NY
OK. I can jump in on this one.
I agree. Guys assaulted as adults can relate to this as well.

I was assaulted as both..... age 11 (raped twice), and gang raped at 21. And I can sense differences after each one.

After age 11, yeah, sure, I was still one of the neighborhood kids, outside, building treehouses, baseball, football, all that. But I know I felt DISTINCTLY different. I had shame to carry with me now. I had a big secret to hide. I was disgusted with myself, no matter how much anyone else might have liked me. The was the beginning of my emotional detachment.

Getting myself gang raped was a disaster. Before that I was detached, I used girls to prove to myself that I was a real man, and all that. After assault at 21, well, that was the icing on the cake. After that I felt I was right in my detachment. It only solidified what I had already done, and felt to be natural..... shut down, and keep distance. No trust at all.

It took a few years of marriage to to find out what a real idiot I had been.

So if none of this would have happened, my relationships would be better, I would have had a better relationship with my wife than I've had, would never have considered suicide as a good option, and the glass would have been more frequently half-full, instead of half-empty. Sound familiar??

The only silver lining is that it has given me some degree of sensitivity to abuse and assault victims, although outwardly for the longest time I never showed it.

Regardless, I still have choices, and the future is mine. The point is not to let the past screw up the present.
I'm learning.

Oriolesguy





Edited by oriolesguy (01/25/10 08:49 PM)

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#341511 - 10/06/10 01:07 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: h.beat,h.break]
EHFAR Offline


Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 3
Loc: Florida, U.S.A.
Great question...does make you think back.

Happy and Nieve

_________________________
"Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game."


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#341604 - 10/07/10 08:10 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: EHFAR]
lfp Offline


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 121
I just remember being in 1st grade elementary school, or 2nd. I was pretty much the boy stuck into fantasy and books. My friends would treat me rough since then.

Before abuse I was isolated, and everyone knew I was more of an introvert. Then abuse came, and the way it was treated (or untreated) made my life a living hell.

After 15 years, I have a loooooooooot of garbage in my head. Trying to cope with anger and isolation.

_________________________
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

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#419710 - 12/20/12 10:22 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 759
Loc: Southeast USA
Another classic.

Although it may be an academic exercise. I was bright, gifted and witty. After being exploited at 11 and truly abused at 13, I became pissed off at the world. I was combative and didn't necessarily start fights, but I did my best to finish them if anybody messed with me. I wasn't a big kid, but I was a scrapper and dared anyone to fuck with me. I was jaded, worldly and cynical.

I turned my anger into productive action and focused on sports and academics. Still, I did risky things. I went cliff diving. I walked through bad neighborhoods late at night on a dare (where all kinds of really bad things could have happened to a kid like me. I got passed out drunk...stuff like that.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#419713 - 12/20/12 10:51 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I don't know. I don't remember much of my childhood. There were issues before the CSA.

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#419726 - 12/21/12 01:28 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 185
Loc: Puget Sound
No one will never know, especially me?

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#419727 - 12/21/12 01:40 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Before, I was outgoing, athletic, popular, and not a bad looking kid.

After, I was a loner, hated sports, had no friends, stayed drunk or high, and looked like hell.
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#419739 - 12/21/12 08:47 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 624
Loc: VA
I've never remembered much that was good from the pre-rape years, meaning before I turned 7. However, I do remember having a happier life before the flashbacks started at age 42.

John

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#419741 - 12/21/12 09:43 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I was the cutest little kid with a mop of blonde curly hair and shocking blue eyes. I had a vivid imagination and was always happy.

Compare that to the rage filled Alcoholic and porn addict I became and I want to cry for all the lost opportunities.

Hey things change.
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#419753 - 12/21/12 11:14 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Before and after 8 I was exactly the same: a happy daydreaming dinosaur-and-shark fanboy with lots of friends and activities. Once the pictures came into my head I had no idea what they represented and there were no feelings attached so it really didn't do anything to see them.

At 12 I learned what those physical features were, why those movements had happened and the stuff at the end, and that there was a word for one person doing that thing to another. Still had no sensory recall, still just pictures, I knew it was me and now I knew what it was, and I knew it had really happened because since 8 I'd been seeing things that I hadn't known existed at the time but were real. I was kind of disappointed. I remember thinking just "....oh." I was, I guess, disappointed that it had happened but still so totally detached and feeling no harm that I weighed it as much less important than keeping my family calm and being seen as normal.

Then I started to get the shit kicked out of me by some terrorist-caliber bullies and had more important problems to deal with. So I guess you could say I was the sort of kid who only dealt with what he was facing at the moment.

I can say that at 33 I didn't have any of the terror, shock, humiliation, disgust, and sleep problems that I have at 34. And lots of pastimes that drove me before have faded into the background of the after.


Edited by SoccerStar (12/21/12 11:46 AM)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#419757 - 12/21/12 11:40 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
frankie72 Offline


Registered: 11/23/12
Posts: 32
Loc: Australia
I have few memories of my childhood prior to or during my CSA. Mostly that I was passive, well behaved, intelligent, though still a bit of a loner.

Once the CSA started when I was around 12-13, I just tried to remove myself from everything. I avoided getting close to people, drank excessively, turned to drugs, fins somewhere to hide and cut myself with whatever I could find. Looking back I remember I thought I knew exactly the type of person I was, analysing every little thing about myself, though in reality I think I was just trying to hide myself from the turth.

The more I acted out, the worse things became. I was shipped off to boarding school, isolated from friends and family, and just managed to withdraw further and fend for myself, and learnt not to get attached.

Nowadays though, I'm pretty much dead inside. And on the rare off chance I trust someone enough to let them in, I become an emotional wreck. I might get a brief period of happiness, then it just turns into a mass of anxiety about being abandoned or rejected. I end up thinking the worst case scenario, because having any hope just makes things worse if it doesn't happen. And sometimes I get to the point where I just want to kill myself so I don't have to deal with the emotional swings and confusion. I guess I still manage to maintain a slight amount of rationailty that stops me from going through with it, but it is something a fantises about during those periods.

I'm just so used to that anger I developed during my CSA to protect me from those emotions. I have never forgotten what happened, or denied myself of realising what I faced, though I am afraid if I look further back than that time, I'll feel even more broken for realising what life was like before hand, and all those hopes and dreams of a child that were corrupted and destroyed.

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#419832 - 12/22/12 03:39 AM . [Re: SoccerStar]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:24 PM)

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#419838 - 12/22/12 09:31 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046

I have no memory or being before my abuse. It is the core of who I am.

From 5 or 6, I have been split between the outward functioning part of me (minus my sexuality and emotions); a secondary self where my abuse sexuality is stuck on a perpetual tape-loop repeat; and a 3rd part where all my negative emotions are hiding.

That's who I am. There is no pre-abuse me.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#419849 - 12/22/12 02:08 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 185
Loc: Puget Sound
Cant this is an intense topic for myself as well, 0 memories of anything prior to my abuse, so the question becomes who am I? So I look at who I was before I remembered, during my denial, yes I was living with 40 years of PTSD but who am I? I think that the core of who you are canít be changed; yes your behaviors are different, think triggers etc. but who you are never changes. Iím not the first to postulate that in cases like yours and mine where there is nothing prior to the abuse itís easier because there is no dichotomy in our psyches just a broken mind trying to find safety from the internal storm. No disparity of perception of reality to whatís in your mind; everything is fearful, no one to trust, you have to look inward for everything, no one is going to help you, your all alone, and you feel your drowning, drowning in fear. Listening to the heartbreaking reality of those here that recount before and after, listen to what they say, itís not that theyíre different but that theyíre re-actions are different, inside their still these great kids with hopes and dreams; just that after exposure to hell on earth how can you act like nothing happened, how can you just move on from such horrific treatment from others? They now know the cold hard reality of life that has always been our reality, no one cares, youíre all alone, youíre not worth the time of day let alone a real life. I think at a certain point you know that everything youíve done up to a point is a lie, but is it? Thatís the hard part for me right now, bringing together the life of bs I put together outside this denied reality of mine, and realizing that Iím still the same person, even with dealing with this shit every waking second. I know that if I wasnít abused I wouldnít be where Iím at, I wouldnít be married to a wonderful lady, and have 2 great sons, not sure where Iíd be, but understand me, I would be so very different in my behaviors, both of my parents were not only 1000% self-absorbed but also very reprehensible people, I donít want to fathom that, its why intellectually Iíd have 0 problem having never been abused, but I could never give up the love I know. Its why there has to a God, how else can you explain my life?

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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