OK. I can jump in on this one.
I agree. Guys assaulted as adults can relate to this as well.

I was assaulted as both..... age 11 (raped twice), and gang raped at 21. And I can sense differences after each one.

After age 11, yeah, sure, I was still one of the neighborhood kids, outside, building treehouses, baseball, football, all that. But I know I felt DISTINCTLY different. I had shame to carry with me now. I had a big secret to hide. I was disgusted with myself, no matter how much anyone else might have liked me. The was the beginning of my emotional detachment.

Getting myself gang raped was a disaster. Before that I was detached, I used girls to prove to myself that I was a real man, and all that. After assault at 21, well, that was the icing on the cake. After that I felt I was right in my detachment. It only solidified what I had already done, and felt to be natural..... shut down, and keep distance. No trust at all.

It took a few years of marriage to to find out what a real idiot I had been.

So if none of this would have happened, my relationships would be better, I would have had a better relationship with my wife than I've had, would never have considered suicide as a good option, and the glass would have been more frequently half-full, instead of half-empty. Sound familiar??

The only silver lining is that it has given me some degree of sensitivity to abuse and assault victims, although outwardly for the longest time I never showed it.

Regardless, I still have choices, and the future is mine. The point is not to let the past screw up the present.
I'm learning.

Oriolesguy

Great question...does make you think back.

Happy and Nieve

I just remember being in 1st grade elementary school, or 2nd. I was pretty much the boy stuck into fantasy and books. My friends would treat me rough since then.

Before abuse I was isolated, and everyone knew I was more of an introvert. Then abuse came, and the way it was treated (or untreated) made my life a living hell.

After 15 years, I have a loooooooooot of garbage in my head. Trying to cope with anger and isolation.

Another classic.

Although it may be an academic exercise. I was bright, gifted and witty. After being exploited at 11 and truly abused at 13, I became pissed off at the world. I was combative and didn't necessarily start fights, but I did my best to finish them if anybody messed with me. I wasn't a big kid, but I was a scrapper and dared anyone to fuck with me. I was jaded, worldly and cynical.

I turned my anger into productive action and focused on sports and academics. Still, I did risky things. I went cliff diving. I walked through bad neighborhoods late at night on a dare (where all kinds of really bad things could have happened to a kid like me. I got passed out drunk...stuff like that.

Will

I don't know. I don't remember much of my childhood. There were issues before the CSA.

No one will never know, especially me?

Cee

Before, I was outgoing, athletic, popular, and not a bad looking kid.

After, I was a loner, hated sports, had no friends, stayed drunk or high, and looked like hell.

I've never remembered much that was good from the pre-rape years, meaning before I turned 7. However, I do remember having a happier life before the flashbacks started at age 42.

John

I was the cutest little kid with a mop of blonde curly hair and shocking blue eyes. I had a vivid imagination and was always happy.

Compare that to the rage filled Alcoholic and porn addict I became and I want to cry for all the lost opportunities.

Hey things change.
Martin

Before and after 8 I was exactly the same: a happy daydreaming dinosaur-and-shark fanboy with lots of friends and activities. Once the pictures came into my head I had no idea what they represented and there were no feelings attached so it really didn't do anything to see them.

At 12 I learned what those physical features were, why those movements had happened and the stuff at the end, and that there was a word for one person doing that thing to another. Still had no sensory recall, still just pictures, I knew it was me and now I knew what it was, and I knew it had really happened because since 8 I'd been seeing things that I hadn't known existed at the time but were real. I was kind of disappointed. I remember thinking just "....oh." I was, I guess, disappointed that it had happened but still so totally detached and feeling no harm that I weighed it as much less important than keeping my family calm and being seen as normal.

Then I started to get the shit kicked out of me by some terrorist-caliber bullies and had more important problems to deal with. So I guess you could say I was the sort of kid who only dealt with what he was facing at the moment.

I can say that at 33 I didn't have any of the terror, shock, humiliation, disgust, and sleep problems that I have at 34. And lots of pastimes that drove me before have faded into the background of the after.