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#320141 - 01/25/10 08:46 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abus [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
oriolesguy Offline

Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 108
Loc: Long Island, NY
OK. I can jump in on this one.
I agree. Guys assaulted as adults can relate to this as well.

I was assaulted as both..... age 11 (raped twice), and gang raped at 21. And I can sense differences after each one.

After age 11, yeah, sure, I was still one of the neighborhood kids, outside, building treehouses, baseball, football, all that. But I know I felt DISTINCTLY different. I had shame to carry with me now. I had a big secret to hide. I was disgusted with myself, no matter how much anyone else might have liked me. The was the beginning of my emotional detachment.

Getting myself gang raped was a disaster. Before that I was detached, I used girls to prove to myself that I was a real man, and all that. After assault at 21, well, that was the icing on the cake. After that I felt I was right in my detachment. It only solidified what I had already done, and felt to be natural..... shut down, and keep distance. No trust at all.

It took a few years of marriage to to find out what a real idiot I had been.

So if none of this would have happened, my relationships would be better, I would have had a better relationship with my wife than I've had, would never have considered suicide as a good option, and the glass would have been more frequently half-full, instead of half-empty. Sound familiar??

The only silver lining is that it has given me some degree of sensitivity to abuse and assault victims, although outwardly for the longest time I never showed it.

Regardless, I still have choices, and the future is mine. The point is not to let the past screw up the present.
I'm learning.


Edited by oriolesguy (01/25/10 08:49 PM)

#341511 - 10/06/10 01:07 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: h.beat,h.break]
EHFAR Offline

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 3
Loc: Florida, U.S.A.
Great question...does make you think back.

Happy and Nieve

"Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game."

#341604 - 10/07/10 08:10 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: EHFAR]
lfp Offline

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 121
I just remember being in 1st grade elementary school, or 2nd. I was pretty much the boy stuck into fantasy and books. My friends would treat me rough since then.

Before abuse I was isolated, and everyone knew I was more of an introvert. Then abuse came, and the way it was treated (or untreated) made my life a living hell.

After 15 years, I have a loooooooooot of garbage in my head. Trying to cope with anger and isolation.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

#419710 - 12/20/12 10:22 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
Suwanee Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 846
Loc: Southeast USA
Another classic.

Although it may be an academic exercise. I was bright, gifted and witty. After being exploited at 11 and truly abused at 13, I became pissed off at the world. I was combative and didn't necessarily start fights, but I did my best to finish them if anybody messed with me. I wasn't a big kid, but I was a scrapper and dared anyone to fuck with me. I was jaded, worldly and cynical.

I turned my anger into productive action and focused on sports and academics. Still, I did risky things. I went cliff diving. I walked through bad neighborhoods late at night on a dare (where all kinds of really bad things could have happened to a kid like me. I got passed out drunk...stuff like that.

I ask you to judge me by the enemies I have made. --FDR

I remember redwood trees, bumper cars and wolverines
The ocean's Trident submarines
Lemons, limes and tangerines
I remember this… R.E.M. 1988

Cruel Summer
My Journal

#419713 - 12/20/12 10:51 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
Candu Offline

Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I don't know. I don't remember much of my childhood. There were issues before the CSA.

#419726 - 12/21/12 01:28 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
cosmos Offline

Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 190
Loc: Puget Sound
No one will never know, especially me?

"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

#419727 - 12/21/12 01:40 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Before, I was outgoing, athletic, popular, and not a bad looking kid.

After, I was a loner, hated sports, had no friends, stayed drunk or high, and looked like hell.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#419739 - 12/21/12 08:47 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
unhappycamper Offline

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 631
Loc: VA
I've never remembered much that was good from the pre-rape years, meaning before I turned 7. However, I do remember having a happier life before the flashbacks started at age 42.


#419741 - 12/21/12 09:43 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I was the cutest little kid with a mop of blonde curly hair and shocking blue eyes. I had a vivid imagination and was always happy.

Compare that to the rage filled Alcoholic and porn addict I became and I want to cry for all the lost opportunities.

Hey things change.
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#419753 - 12/21/12 11:14 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 920
Loc: New York
Before and after 8 I was exactly the same: a happy daydreaming dinosaur-and-shark fanboy with lots of friends and activities. Once the pictures came into my head I had no idea what they represented and there were no feelings attached so it really didn't do anything to see them.

At 12 I learned what those physical features were, why those movements had happened and the stuff at the end, and that there was a word for one person doing that thing to another. Still had no sensory recall, still just pictures, I knew it was me and now I knew what it was, and I knew it had really happened because since 8 I'd been seeing things that I hadn't known existed at the time but were real. I was kind of disappointed. I remember thinking just "....oh." I was, I guess, disappointed that it had happened but still so totally detached and feeling no harm that I weighed it as much less important than keeping my family calm and being seen as normal.

Then I started to get the shit kicked out of me by some terrorist-caliber bullies and had more important problems to deal with. So I guess you could say I was the sort of kid who only dealt with what he was facing at the moment.

I can say that at 33 I didn't have any of the terror, shock, humiliation, disgust, and sleep problems that I have at 34. And lots of pastimes that drove me before have faded into the background of the after.

Edited by SoccerStar (12/21/12 11:46 AM)
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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