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#319103 - 01/16/10 02:17 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: kidneythis]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1249
Loc: kansas
..


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:24 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#319117 - 01/16/10 06:08 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6719
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Hauser
Mike, you're absolutely right, this does apply to adults that were victimized as well.
...
Obit, Peter? I'm touched by your sentiments and kind words (my life having not been wasted) However, I am compelled to defer you to the picture below and note some things that have changed in the lives of my classmates since the summer of 78'
...
I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Hauser,

I think this is a really interesting post / thread. I think it's interesting to see what some of the people have become. But it doesn't make me think anything less of you. You've done well in spite of some trauma.

Originally Posted By: Hauser

...was taken appx 6 months after the sexual abuse occurred, you can contrast this expression with the one on my avatar, and the change is, for the lack of a better word, ugly)


We must, as survivors, take stock of ourselves and what happened and how it affected us. We can't change that. But we can change the here and now. That's what we're responsible for.

Allen


In the pictures, it looks like you're the only "swinger". lol smile




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#319118 - 01/16/10 07:04 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: pufferfish]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
To All,

I think Allen made an exceptionally valid point. That in spite of what happened you are alive and making a life at some level. To this day I cannot figure out how I even have a career since I have sabotaged it so many times. I have so many regrets. I never got my full licensure for my occupation. Could be making more money and have more doors to open for me. Could relocate a lot easier than the struggle I am now having to do so.

I agree - this does apply to all of us. I was assualted at 29. And he and I are very different guys. I miss a lot of who he was but still find that spark in me and now am trying to nurture it to a fuller flame. I hope it engulfs me one day and I see that he is really there inside me. I hope that makes sense. It does to me.

My sock cap is off to you all. Now, who will we now become?

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#319119 - 01/16/10 07:10 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: prisonerID]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
This is a great topic, great discussion and powerful words here.

I remember being a shy, kind, sweet, caring guy. I think in some ways I was super timid and the abuse just pushed me into the roll of a doormat.

I think at one point I may have missed that person I was, but I'm so grateful for the man I'm becoming.

I'm growing, maturing, being more assertive. Yeah I have moments of what if, or think about how things might have been differently, but it sure feels good to stand up for myself, and say hey world, this is Charlie.

Hauser, you say you were a bit of non-conformist, I think I've become one, I'm super independent. Still have progress to make in my life.

I can relate to feeling a little behind in life, so to speak. Just trying to move forward.


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#319124 - 01/16/10 08:03 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: prisonerID]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6719
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: prisonerID

I think Allen made an exceptionally valid point.

lol smile does that mean that if I make a valid point it is the exceptional one?

I know what you mean, I just can't resist a good joke!

Originally Posted By: prisonerID

That in spite of what happened you are alive and making a life at some level. To this day I cannot figure out how I even have a career since I have sabotaged it so many times. I have so many regrets.


I have forgiven myself (I think) for these kinds of things. BUTT, when I was in high school and college, I got so many "nibbles" (a fishing term) to do music (horn). I felt that I was such a loser person that the signals must be lying. Now my head has cleared a lot and I can see them but it is too late.

Also, I had other nibbles that I was good in some other things. But I was blind as a bat (so to speak)because of abuse. My whole perception of who I was and what I could do was strongly flavored by abuse experiences.

Originally Posted By: prisonerID

... Could be making more money and have more doors to open for me.


Likewise, in the job/profession I had, I must have come across as having little confidence and lacking in social skills. I must have messed up countless times in terms of not understandingt stuff because I had blinders on. I wasn't invited to many reindeer games (so to speak).

Originally Posted By: prisonerID

And he and I are very different guys. I miss a lot of who he was but still find that spark in me and now am trying to nurture it to a fuller flame. I hope it engulfs me one day and I see that he is really there inside me. I hope that makes sense. It does to me.


Abuse starting at 4 for me strongly clouded (or split) my conception of who I was. I still haven't found it. I see pictures of myself and it's like a glimmer in a dim TV screen. I can vaguely see the boy/man I was and that I was supposed to be. But there are several pictures that give me different glimpses of who I am. So I still haven't focused. Thus the exigincies of DID.

Originally Posted By: prisonerID

My sock cap is off to you all. Now, who will we now become?


Thanks! smile Sock it to us!


Allen


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#319125 - 01/16/10 08:09 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: pufferfish]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Allen,

smile


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#319127 - 01/16/10 08:28 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: prisonerID]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Who was I? Outgoing, adventurous, extroverted, self-confident, innocent.

While I have tried hard to resurrect most of these traits later, it has been difficult and forced. To my core I feel these attributes are innately mine but they have been deeply burried. Despite all the digging, I have yet to unearth them.

The most difficult part of all this is when I dwell on "if" questions. Who would I have become if the abuse never happened? How would things be different if I had told? What if we had never moved to Calif.? Etc.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#319220 - 01/17/10 10:39 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Barkabus]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Hauser,

I HATE THAT FEELING!!!! That feeling of sadness and dissappointment with the way our lives have been can be extremely devastating (as you posted). "What have I become? What would I be like if I wasn't a victim of SA?" Those questions lead us to a mindset that sucks. Its frustrating knowing that so many of us have such a distorted view of ourselves and how our own perceptions of ourselves became so negative after the CSA.

Its ironic but, after dealing with some of these recovery issues, we could become the President of the U.S., or be an Olympian gold Medalist, or a great General and still feel like we're not good enough. The truth is that we are all magnificent no matter what we've done. We tend to focus on all of the negative and forget all of the good things we've done. That being said, we could be completely successful and still feel like failures. Now, sometimes we worry too much about what other people are doing and where they are in life and how we compare to them. We all have different strengths and weaknesses so its impossible to compare ourselves and it only leads to insecurity that isn't based, in anyway on reality.

I've read a lot of your posts and I appreciate you being here. Stay positive Hauser.

Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#319222 - 01/17/10 11:06 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: endlessjourney]
alan55 Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
Who was I before the abuse? I was a 5 year old blond blue eyed little boy who was living with parents who were struggling with their own issues and left me out. I went looking for affection/attention at the neighbors'. We all know where that went.
Who would I have been? I imagine a kid who grew up in an abusive home, but not having to deal with the CSA.Could I have dealt with just the physical/mental abuse and gone on with my life? I suppose. With help.


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#319343 - 01/19/10 01:52 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: alan55]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1955
Alan,

I can put on a strong face, or a confident face, or an outgoing face and at times I am these things. But truth is I carry around a lot of pain and at times I know it really shows. I know who I was as a kid and I had lots of good qualities and sans the abuse (there were other issues but those I am quite certain were surmountable) I am pretty sure I'd be in a MUCH different place than I am now. I could let it eat me up and truth is I've let it do so for a long time. But all I can do is try and make things better from this point forward. Yeah, I'd love to know what it was like to have a loving wife and good kids and live in a nice place. But honestly I can't see having my own kids at this point and there is hurt there. I know you have expressed the same. But there are other options in life and other ways to be. There can be happiness found in alternate paths, at least I am quite sure it is true and I am working to find those other ways. I also agree with Obi, in that there are people who on the surface project a perfect reality but don't always have it as good as they try to show it to be. I'm just saying I think many more people than are willing to admit have their personal issues. We just got stuck with one that can cause quite a bit of pain. Hang in there Alan and although maybe your current situation isn't ideal, keep trying to make improvements however small they may be at first. Let tiny victories build upon themselves. Sounds cheesy, but find joy in a nice day that doesn't even cost anything. But yeah, I know this stuff hurts inside and I'm glad you shared. As I have also shared before, I can relate to the drinking thing. I have caused a bit of damage in my life because of it and I know it is a dead-end street for me. Doesn't mean I have been able to fully get rid of it but I know for a fact it doesn't lead to anywhere for me.

Hey, look on the bright side (I always do this when I get bummed in regards to the "what ifs"): You could be married to a wife that hates you, have kids that are brats and be slaving away in misery to keep up appearances that things are to the contrary wink

I know, just trying to cheer you up a little. I do understand though that it hurts.

Eric


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