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#319025 - 01/15/10 06:35 PM What kind of person were you? (before the abuse)
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I'm sorry about this post not pertaining to anyone who was abused as an adult, for this relates entirely to CSA:

I've had this thought I've been entertaining of late; Have you ever thought, I mean REALLY though of just WHO you were before you were sexually abused?

I was bright, gifted, a proud non-conformist, all the more determined in the prospect of failure, and CONFIDENT in my abilities to surmount almost any obstacle.

Not too long ago, my dad wrote of how, one day, when I was very young, was having difficulty learning how to skate in the ice. It was a brand new experience for me, and it was like learning how to walk all over again. He offered his hand to help me, but I refused. I insisted that I could do it myself, and I was only 6 years old! I was independent. I didn't go to my parents for help with anything. I did things on my own.

When I was in 2ond grade, I remember having memorized every major organ in the human body, I remember learning all the bones in the body, I remember having dreams and aspirations of becoming a surgeon. I wanted to operate on people. I had dreams.

About a year later, I was sexually abused for the most of a summer between 3rd and 4th grade. The result? My life. Such a waste. (I know that some of you will suggest otherwise, but this is how I feel about me)

How about you guys? What kind of boy were you?


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#319026 - 01/15/10 06:39 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1314
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:21 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#319033 - 01/15/10 08:04 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Obi]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers.

Hauser, your life was not a waste. I think that at times we all feel like a bunch of losers.
We never give oursefs credit for doing positave(sp)? things in our lives.

From what i remember as that little boy, i was a terror, i could not be tamed.I was shuffeled from school to school. And finally ending up in that orphanage/home. But, nobody ever asked me just why. But i was born to be hated, i was the wrong one that lived.

With all the odds stacked against us, we boys have indeed became men, and did the best that we knew how to do.

You say your life was a waste???

2889, posts, Wow, talking from the depths of your soul, to ohers here. You have given me a piece of your soul in helping me.

Hardly a wasted life to me.

Heal well & cheer up. my fraternal brother,Hauser, heal well

Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose).

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#319053 - 01/16/10 01:18 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: petercorbett]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
I believe that this does pertain to adult victoms. Because I was a Soldger in the US Army When I was raped . Bfore this I was an average soldger . And before that I was a normal Average Teanager .
After I was Raped I lost all of my Inocence and Lost Faith in the Military System of Justice . and have becone a person that Is a loner and does not trust Most people

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#319054 - 01/16/10 01:23 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: OKIE MIKE]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I was a bouncing happy little boy...great soldier and loving dad....

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#319055 - 01/16/10 01:27 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: OKIE MIKE]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
Before I was raped, I was a boy born to a badly hurting mother who had been divorced. I had problems with the umbilical cord choking me at birth with starved my brain of oxygen. I was very slow in development, actually being schooled at a cerebral palsy center prior to attending school. My brain apparently self repaired as I grew. At 8yo, my uncle heaped pain, fear and confusion into this mix. I had enough to struggle against without this being added. You struggle and you survive it. At some point you have to smile back at life and say, "Is that the best shot you got?"

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#319056 - 01/16/10 01:42 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: catfish86]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6857
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: catfish86
My brain apparently self repaired as I grew.


I think this is so, so cool, that the brain does actually repair itself. This is a fairly new idea to science but I really think it's true. I think also that I experienced some brain spontaneous healing.

In fact I think that happens to all of us (MS survivors) in our process of healing from CSA. The brain has to actually undergo healing in order for us to get better. That's why I take vitamin B complex pills every day. They are necessary for cell growth.

Even so, catfish, I think your story of brain repair is remarkable.

Allen


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#319069 - 01/16/10 09:06 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: pufferfish]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1314
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:22 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

Top
#319080 - 01/16/10 10:40 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Obi]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Mike, you're absolutely right, this does apply to adults that were victimized as well.

Obit, Peter? I'm touched by your sentiments and kind words (my life having not been wasted) However, I am compelled to defer you to the picture below and note some things that have changed in the lives of my classmates since the summer of 78'

Kert is now a successful restaurant franchise owner, married, kids, home, etc.

Joe is now a corporate lawyer, big house, married, kids, etc.

Tom is a Principle for a charter school not far from our home town, married, kids, house, etc.

I last saw Mary at a local restaurant back in 2001, she had a 9yo son with her, she told me she was a stay-at-home mom, married to a successful guy, etc.

Scott is successfully self-employed, home-owner, married, kids, etc.

Rob is making almost 100K per year as a kitchen manager for a country club, I don't know anything else about his personal life, however.

I could go on, but I think you get the point.

As for me, at age 40, I work for a contractor with no benefits, I MIGHT start making 30k per year in a few months, but that's contingent on my performance, I wouldn't be surprised if I failed. My social life? Well, I've made some local friends from here at MS, and that's about all I have here. Meeting women has been a challenge for me, I only just now have some semblance of enough dignity to even approach them, only to to see upon closer inspection that they're wearing a ring (the good ones were taken a long time ago it seems), and the ones that aren't have to mention the word "boyfriend", no matter how innocuous and trivial I might make my introductory line to her. I'm not part of any volunteer organizations, the one that I once tried volunteering for rejected me because I "wasn't a good fit" (that was a great feeling, let me tell you) My self-image is only marginally better than it was when I was less than gainfully employed. I'm not reallly enjoying anything. I've gone back to drinking the last year or so simply because my life feels so boring and empty, that at least I get SOME temporary reprieve from the emotional emptiness I feel. I'm a social misfit in the classic sense. My life is obviously a shadow of what it was meant to be, and I'm in no position to change it to one where I can say "I'm happy with my life".

So, once again, I thank you for your kind words, but please acknowledge that a huge chunk of what I was meant to be was shattered into a million pieces, and that I have a long way to go before I can claim that the waste of potential is no longer a defining part of me.

(for reference, I'm 3rd from the right, on the bottom, circled. This was taken appx 6 months after the sexual abuse occurred, you can contrast this expression with the one on my avatar, and the change is, for the lack of a better word, ugly)








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#319089 - 01/16/10 12:43 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Hauser,
I was at first in agreement with the OP. I often get frustrated by people hearing something in what I say that isn't there and then running me over with protestations of "oh no you're not". I sucks beyond belief because it just shows me they aren't listening to me and they have also cut off whatever I was leading into as well.

After your second post I think maybe the other postings of encouragement are warranted. You are not defective. You are not incapable of helping yourself, and the remark [I'm in no position to change it to one where I can say "I'm happy with my life".] is just plain wrong.
The fact that you are here at MS is proof that you can change things. You want to change things but maybe like me you're not sure of how.

As for the drinking it isn't working for you like you think it is. The dulling of the mind that alcohol provides you, makes a way to dissociate from the pain you are trying to avoid. The drink will eventually fail. If you continue you will progressively drink more and more and stronger and stronger drink until it doesn't work any longer. By then most are physically addicted and can't stop easily. Often they need medical help to do so.

In my case I never even started to figure out the full extent of my abuse until 11 years after I first got sober. I lost my sobriety at 8 1/2 years and got into trouble at 11 years after my first sobriety. Even though I lost my sobriety, doing the steps helped me greatly. I had some really rough times dealing with past issues but I also learned how to accept myself and how to be happy in myself as I was. I finally understood I was not defective. I began to grow as a man and as a person for the first time in my life it was conscious and purposeful growth.
For the most part my problems were/are all functional. In other words a matter of education. It's difficult to gain this knowledge as an adult as most people like to claim they figured it out themselves when in fact they were taught. I've had people teach their children this or that right in front of me then go on to insist that everyone has to figure it out on their own.

The mental and emotional issues are not outrageous or abnormal and can be dealt with by competant honest doctors.

I encourage you to keep coming here until you regain your equalibrium, you will, this malaise will pass, and then you will see that the negative dips in life aren't permanent. I think you know this. Oh yea, drink is a depressant and will exacerbate the negative feelings in the long run.
I too was going to be a doctor and a writer as well. That hasn't panned out but I don't dwell on what might have been as I can only control what is right now. The Serenity Prayer is a good reminder of this.
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I wish you well Hauser and I think you're gonna be just fine. Money and power aren't the only scales by which to judge life's accomplishments. Learning how to be happy with life as it is, is in my mind a much larger accomplishment and anyone can do it. The only requirement is that you try for it.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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