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#313157 - 12/06/09 01:41 AM gender identity
Sparks Offline


Registered: 07/07/09
Posts: 5
Loc: Texas

I know that I don't post much, but that is because I have a difficult time making myself vulnerable to everyone even though I know that I shouldn't because you all have gone through somewhat similar abusive situations so please forgive me.
I don't know where my problem fall in the spectrum of things. It seems that this forum would be the best and I will try to explain how I feel to the best of my abilities. It does not have anything to do with being straight, bi, etc. It has to do with my gender itself. My abuse has made me at times repulsed to be male. I was sexually abused for years by my father, constantly made fun of by other guys because I am in general afraid of men and would hang out with girls, teased for being highly sensitive, emotional and shy. I was basically cared for, befriended by and protected by females all of my life (my mother was not one of them). They made me feel comfortable to be around, helped me to learn who and when to trust, comfort me when I was upset, etc. I have a lot of girls who are my friends and absolutely no guy friends. Throughout my life, I found comfort with this type of lifestyle. I really enjoy feeling like a female. This is more of a mental feeling than a physical one. I don't crossdress or get into anything like that but it is more of feeling female mentally. Then again, at times I will like things considered more 'manly' like sports, playing drums, etc and this creates the conflict in my mind and I start to feel bad about myself for wanting to think and act like a female. This is highly F'd up i know but this is the crap that I have been dealing with for many years even before I recalled my CSA. So if anyone knows of a good book or website to help me deal with this I would appreciate it. Previous t's in the past have been no help.
Sparks (or Sparki)


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#313212 - 12/06/09 05:09 PM Re: gender identity [Re: Sparks]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother,

1st, let me welcome you to MS. Here you will receive compassion, understanding & love, from your brothers (fraternal) & friends (in pain). We all have been there. We all have been into the very depths of our souls & hell too.

You will not be judged here. But here we will listen & try and help each other.

Maybe you ought to try the book Victims No Longer, by Mike Lew.

Broken Boys/Mending Men, by D.Grubman-Black.

Rebuilding (Your House of Self Respect), by Tom Wilken.

Maybe some of our fraternal brothers have others.

Oh, by the way, you are not highly F'D up, any more that i am or for that matter all our brothers here.

Heal well my fraternal brother, Sparki, heal well.

Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose).

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#314730 - 12/16/09 07:04 AM Re: gender identity [Re: Sparks]
mxzx Offline


Registered: 12/09/09
Posts: 4
i was sexually assaulted when i was 16 by a police officer annd through out the years challenged my seual identity to my self by chatting with men on line about meeting up for sex (never did didnt have the kahona's to do it) but my girlfriend now wife found out and caused major problems i didn't tell her about what happen to me when i was 16 and it all came out this august when i heard the offices name on the news and he had 25 other charges and i came forward with mine
most difficult time but it had to be done
thew the years i have had a good female friend i can talk with being my buddies wife or a co worker and if feels good to talk with them at times

you go through so many thoughts when your mind is going 100mph

this is all new to me and the starting of new beginning i start counselling to day and looking forward to it from what i have seen on this site their are worse situation and they all could have been worse lets keep going in the right direction and improve our own situation and maybe one day you will be the one making a difference for some one elses situation
take care hope to hear back from you


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#314771 - 12/16/09 02:06 PM Re: gender identity [Re: Sparks]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
the issues of gender identity are complex, i personally think that there are several things happening at once.

the first thing is that there are those who are born with characteristics that are regarded by the larger society as "feminine" or "masculine" for instance if you don't like to play sports that this is regarded by the larger society as more feminine then if you did, but the reality is that this behavior is not specifically feminine or masculine. but because we are raised in a society that sees it as feminine then we will believe that it is....if society's cultural views are that dressing in certain types of clothing represents feminine characteristics then if you like those types of clothing then you are regarded as less masculine and more feminine,..and you will think you are less masculine...even though there really is nothing specific about clothing that is either feminine or mascuiline...other than cultural views on clothing,...during the 16th century all little boys were dressed like and looked like little girls, and so the issue of gender specific clothing in children was a nonexistant then,....if you have these characteristics i would not see this as "always" an indication that you are less male, or something is wrong with you,...society imposes their perspective on gender roles on us, and we absorb them.

the other layer is to this is how and why we identify with our "biological" gender which combines with the broader social views to form our "sense" of gender...unless there are some biological conditions that makes identifying with the typical male/female gender biological states problematic from a social standpoint, like for instance hermaphodism or XXXY chromosomal disorder or other such conditions, then identifying with your biological gender state can be precarious, if childhood situations like abuse or neglect occur, these things might make us feel fearful or uncomfortable with our own biological gender.

there is nothing wrong with understanding and liking the way you see your sense of gender, however one should be cognoscente of the things that go into why we feel the way we do about our gender,...i do not share the school of thought that we should think that its OK to "dislike or hate" our biological and physiological gender...that we should learn to accept that we are born with a biological gender and that no matter where it lays in the spectrum that its is a part of our natural being and a beautiful thing, its OK to be different and that when we see our physical bodies negatively that this is harmful to us, and is something we need to address by learning that there is nothing wrong with having a penis (a physiological gender) and that being male with feminine traits is not an indication that there is anything wrong with you.
so i would not recomend any thing that teaches that we shouldnt like or not accept our biological gender or our psychological gender, niether one should take precidence over the other,...i would look for that which seeks to unify our feelings about gender with our biological gender, as this is a true representation of our actual selves not influenced by societal views about what gender is "supposed" to be.

when i was a kid i never liked sports and didn't follow the typical gender roles, though i am still very masculine in the spectrum of male/female....but because the world in which i live sees my childhood behaviors as an indication that i was less male, so i quickly absorbed the feeling i was less male....this is false....there is nothing about any behavior that "really" is masculine or feminine....we only think thats true because we fear the notion that if we don't fit the extreme male/female social constraints then we are going to be seen as an outsider or abnormal,...so we learn to hate those less masculine characteristics and repress that which doesn't fit the extreme male side,...and we tend to over-exaggerate the other more masculine chararturistics in order to conform to the male side of the spectrum,...or if we fall in the more feminine side naturally, then sometimes we do the opposite, in order to conform to the extreme opposite feminine side....now that Ive totally confused you,...just do what you think is right.

_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#318362 - 01/09/10 09:21 PM Re: gender identity [Re: myboyhoodfears]
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Sparki

I can remember as a kid, hanging out with the girls, they were my friends. Men and boys were not to be trusted. It was men and older boys that sexually abused me and boys my age made fun of me so girls and women were my friends. I was quite concerned about this, thinking that there must be something wrong with me.

It's not like that now. I don't remember a point in time when I started hanging out with men but it did happen. I started down this road of healing nearly 21 years ago and somewhere along that road as the healing has taken place, I have started to feel more comfortable around a group of guys.

So I guess what I'm really trying to say is to give it some time. Don't stress over it, just be who you are and as the healing process happens things in you life will change for the better.

Love ya
Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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