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#318241 - 01/08/10 09:31 PM belonging
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
It sounds screwed up but I feel that I don't belong in this chat room. I don't know why but I just don't. Even with the therapy I'm receiving I'm having a hard time receiving the help I need for being sexually abused as a kid. It makes it no one's fault by my own I guess. JS

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And well change the world.


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#318243 - 01/08/10 09:49 PM Re: belonging [Re: jls]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
I hear ya JLS.

I don't feel that I "belong" anywhere.

ALWAYS feel that I'm on the outside.


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#318248 - 01/08/10 10:10 PM Re: belonging [Re: JustScott]
behindthewall Offline


Registered: 07/28/08
Posts: 126
Loc: US
I feel the same way man, not just about chat but the site and life in general. Matter of fact, had a talk with Michael about that a few days ago. You're not alone.


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#318280 - 01/09/10 06:30 AM Re: belonging [Re: behindthewall]
claretblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/09
Posts: 97
Loc: UK
I also feel the same way about this site, life in general, and even belonging to my own body at times. You're not alone jls.

_________________________
The more you're afraid of, the less you accomplish.

Taiwanese woman.

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#318289 - 01/09/10 08:09 AM Re: belonging [Re: jls]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
i hear ya luis. even when i go to chat, i rarely participate in the banter. i'm not very good at casual pointless conversation, i'm much better at frivolity, but that's just me ... it's not the site's fault, and no one is saying that here. i speak further about this important topic here, if you care to read more.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#318296 - 01/09/10 09:23 AM Re: belonging [Re: jls]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I have that sort of "you aint from around here are ya?" feeling in a lot of situations. It comes up on here as well.
Its disconcerting and undermining of ones inner peace. I think you know you do belong here and just maybe feel this feeling when you can't identify something internal or express a thought in such a way as to get the response you think/know it deserves.

Well thats a weee bit o projection there :-], I hope it isn't going to far.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#318299 - 01/09/10 10:01 AM Re: belonging [Re: kidneythis]
pal_ Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/07/04
Posts: 27
It looks like I/we all fit into the group of guys that don't fit in. crazy I can certainly relate - Most times I feel like such a fraud, with friends, with family, at work, even when I was in group therapy.

...think you may be onto something Kidney.

Hang there JLS, and all you guys... we DO belong, we DO fit in!!

-p-

_________________________
Silent company is often more healing than words of advice...

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#318361 - 01/09/10 09:17 PM Re: belonging [Re: pal_]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
I'm the same way. I just don't feel like I blend in anywhere.


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#318365 - 01/09/10 09:45 PM Re: belonging [Re: jls]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: jls
It makes it no one's fault by my own I guess. JS


jls,

It is not your fault. I have the same issue about feeling fear in the chat room. I have issues too.

I would say pick someone to chat with as a PM and ask him to help you if you need.

It is ok. YOur not alone. The nice thing is others have the same issue.

Donnie



Edited by DJsport (01/09/10 09:49 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#318616 - 01/12/10 12:20 PM Re: belonging [Re: DJsport]
J.R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/07
Posts: 307
Loc: United States
I too have some issues with the site, especially the chat. It seems too often that people go in there and talk about random things, just to shoot the shit. I like to use this site to connect with others who have gone through trauma, so for me, I want to talk about the things that are hard for me to tell anyone else close to me who hasn't experienced them.

So, I hear ya. Maybe some of us who want to talk about certain things like this can create a room and go from there. Just an idea.

J.R.

_________________________
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved. -Helen Keller

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#318621 - 01/12/10 12:55 PM Re: belonging [Re: J.R.]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
J. R. and others

I too have issues with Chat. At times, I am in a "funk" and need to talk or share with others. When I am in this spot I have gone to the "survivor" room but, NO one comes in. Some will PM and some will not. Since chat is so random and unpredictable and alot just want to shoot the breeze it is tough.

Some believe the HC-Healing Circles are for tougher issues.

Some will have a trusted survivor meet them and "create" a room.

I for one am "available" for chatting of any sort. I and others need to be PM'd or asked to chat.

At times it is ok to just talk in the "lounge" although this can be very scary. Alot need to just "chat" as a way to learn how to interact.

I need to "celebrate" last night and I just started typing.

I wish chat was more clear to use as well. We are individuals.

I have to accept - as much damage as I have endured - this is a website with other survivors on it.

Lets be bold, challenge our "safety net", and create room in chat when we need to.

NOT sure we will get a committment to change anything or have a definite spot "live" to chat except in a HC.

with passion for healing,
DJ-Donnie



Edited by DJsport (01/12/10 01:22 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#318636 - 01/12/10 03:40 PM Re: belonging [Re: DJsport]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Guys,

Me too. I think you've pretty much said it all.


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#318637 - 01/12/10 03:50 PM Re: belonging [Re: Dewey2k]
GentleSoul Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 236
Loc: Manhattan
Hi Dewey2k,

Welcome to MS!

Your friend,
Jay

_________________________
I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.

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#318639 - 01/12/10 04:22 PM Re: belonging [Re: GentleSoul]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
JLS, and others.

Jay - your funny.

Who is going to reach out and when? It needs to start with me. It is a personal committment. I hope my brothers in healing - YOU will continue to join me.

I can only do for myself and be there for you if you allow it. At the same time, I need to lean on you at times.

This is so hard for any survivor - to be a giver and a taker.

BUT, healing is in the giving and the receiving.

There are judgements being made. It is the internet and mean people exist. It is my belief there are more "nice" guys than bad.

We have all learned "dysfunctional" behavior and to have a functional conversational, I believe we need to be gentle with ourselves and others.

YOU have my committment when I am in chat to at least listen.

Peace,
DJ-Donnie

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#318651 - 01/12/10 06:14 PM Re: belonging [Re: DJsport]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
I no longer visit chat except for once in awhile, I don't feel welcome there anymore. People I used to talk to there no longer want to talk to me, and if they do want to talk it's just superficial, immature comments at my (or someone else's) expense...

And yeah, the last time I was in chat and saw a conversation that was healing, focused on someone's pain or need or just something other than random chit chat was..... ummmm..... yeah, I can't recall. Sorry, but to those of you having a hard time in chat lately, I understand and sympathize. Perhaps sometime in the future when we go into chat and need the support of our brothers, they will be there, ready, willing to listen and we can in turn offer them the same. One can hope...

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

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#318761 - 01/13/10 12:32 PM Re: belonging [Re: Sans Logos]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
This thread is interesting and is related to just one aspect of this website. In this thread we are expressing some needs that are NOT getting met by some of us. MOST are ok so, take the good and I encourage you too look beyond our ranting and venting.

Others,

This thread is leading me to realize some of us have "specialized needs" and I include myself as I say this. I was welcomed warmly at first. But as soon as personalities don't match and others start talking look out. As with any group there are 'clicks'.

I am not excusing anyone here.

Needing better direction is what I think is needed in chat.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#318812 - 01/13/10 10:47 PM Re: belonging [Re: J.R.]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
"Most times I feel like such a fraud"

I hate that feeling but relate wholeheartedly. Thing is I want to be genuine and fit in but my past is full of not feeling like I belong or being made to feel there was something wrong with me. Then you add the abuse stuff. I guess you can add me to the list.

Eric


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#318849 - 01/14/10 07:29 AM Re: belonging [Re: ericc]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1291
Loc: kansas
...


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:18 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#318852 - 01/14/10 08:29 AM Re: belonging [Re: Obi]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
lars3229 My thought is that you might openly state what it is you are needing or experiencing and I think chat might turn up a compassionate soul. Apparently most of the serious personal stuff that gets talked about there is in private chat between two people.

Thats my take, and ditto Obi I think its just another of the symptoms we have to bear until we find trust again.



Edited by kidneythis (01/14/10 08:30 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#318856 - 01/14/10 09:00 AM Re: belonging [Re: kidneythis]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1291
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:19 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#318858 - 01/14/10 09:15 AM Re: belonging [Re: Obi]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I understand I go through that. In my mind I figure it is a combination of the damage done causing me to have expectations that don't translate. I need X now but I don't usually understand what or why and then I ask and it doesn't come.

So was it me and I wasn't clear? Is it me and I am just so complicated people don't want to step into the quagmire? Is my "clarity" really a fog?
And so it spins around that swirling sucking eddy of despair.

I have learned from life not to expect others to understand or give me what I want or need even when I ask directly. That is probably an unhealthy adaptation but it protects me. I think you are healthier than that and know what you need but are having difficulty seeing it in what you are getting. Maybe it isn't there but I suspect it is and there is just a communication error blocking you. The more I work on this the more I see that communication ability is the most damaged aspect of my life.

I think those feelings are the effects of your abuse and not getting what you expect on here is triggering them. I don't think anyone is excluding you or any of us. Its just that our trust is broken and we are tired of taking chances we should get what we want here. Except life is never that easy and even among friends we have to compete and manuever to interact.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#318859 - 01/14/10 09:31 AM Re: belonging [Re: kidneythis]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1291
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:19 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

Top
#318861 - 01/14/10 10:15 AM Re: belonging [Re: Obi]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I don't think its expecting too much, I don't think I said that. I am using my experience as guide and I think you may not know what the possible responses are. You may be asking for one thing and wanting another and not even knowing it.
There is also the matter that a lot of us on here are just as broken, if not more broken than you. Have you considered engaging someone by offering them help rather than seeking help? Thats an AA thing I learned which helps me get out of my head and gets me positive engagement with people.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#318865 - 01/14/10 10:27 AM Re: belonging [Re: Obi]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
it pains me to see you guys speaking in this manner. as such i feel it pertinent to share a bit of what i had written in my sans logos says journal:

Quote:
building trusting and comfort-able relationships takes time, and i've noticed that in that development period, especially those of us who come here starving for authentic love and nurture denied us so many years, are easily hurt as the old familiar rejection and abandonment issues are exacerbated when we feel we've been slighted, ignored, or someway or another made to feel invisible and unimportant.

that's the flaw of these cyber communities. we can only get so close. and also, being that each of us are at differing levels of personal social development, different class, so diverse in our backgrounds, failing to spark a connection only serves in the end to reinforce those feelings of abandonment and rejection mentioned earlier. we long to imagine we've achieved some depth of closeness, and in some cases we have, but often those are only fleeting moments that prove themselves false as over time the flame of hope for finding the deep connections we've been denied so any years, begins to fade over the passing of time.

many of us will probably not get our deepest needs met here, but this site can be used to identify those needs, preparing us to go out into the playground of the 3D world and apply those principles to those real situations we encounter in the dream of everyday regular life.


guys, you have power to make and build strong connections. don't just wait for them to come to you. create them! find a bunch of people on here who say things that you find helpful and start up a PM support group where you can exchange ideas of a more personal nature in a more regular fashion. that's one way.

join a healing circle, and get to know individuals more intimately. connect to their struggles; reach out to them, as you would like for them to reach out to you, but lose the expectation to get anything in return. this will help to shift the focus off your own pain and give you some relief, and also help someone in your situation to feel encouraged that someone does care about them, inspiring them to do likewise.

next, until you get to know other survivors in person, you will most likely feel like this is all a dream. so plan to attend the conference. sign up for a retreat. meeting others in the flesh within the aegis of structured healing environment puts a face on recovery.

also, please consider. many of you have only been here for a matter of weeks or months. after having no survivor support for such a long long time, many for the first time, and possessing very few skills at this stage of recovery, it is only natural that all of the old repressed feelings of abandonment and rejection are going to fly to the surface. many people do not hang around after finding this site precisely because those feeling are too strong for them to deal with. having no experience reaching out and asking for help, they remain in isolation, fearing they will be rejected again and again if they risk reaching out. but this is the soft place to fall. take those risks here. risk those rejections, feel your pain and talk about it, and before you know it, something will click and you'll eventually begin to see your life with a glass half-full mentality instead of the other way around.

i'm not trying to preach here, but as one who has met other survivors, participated in a conference, been on and off this site since 2003, i've seen people come and go and come and go. some finding healing, and some running from healing. being here is like opening pandora's box. but remember, this site is meant to be used as one tool in conjunction with other recovery resources such as outside groups and therapy. the best result will happen when over time, because recovery is a process..... a long process. and not that i am holding myself up for how to do it,..... no, far from that, i am just trying to be the voice of reason and hope for guys who perhaps for the first time in their life are coming to terms with all those things that took a lifetime of effort and energy to control and to suppress, and who, finding that not working any longer now find themselves powerless to face on their own volition years of pain and unresolved hurt, bubbling to the surface like a volcano ready to erupt.

don't give up guys; don't foreclose on your issues and leave in confusion and disillusionment. stay strong, like the survivors you have always been, and stick around. work the recovery toolbox, and resolve those issues that are causing you to feel so isolated and alone today. don't give up or in to the temptation to escape the onslaught of painful feelings. carry on and follow thru! no if's, and's or but's! cool

your recovery pal,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#318866 - 01/14/10 10:37 AM Re: belonging [Re: kidneythis]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1291
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:20 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#318870 - 01/14/10 10:54 AM Re: belonging [Re: Obi]
J.R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/07
Posts: 307
Loc: United States
Obi,

I agree with what Ron said. We have to understand this is a virtual community. As such, people come and go, and even myself, have to sometimes cut chat short because I have something I have to go to or do. I don't think people are intentionally trying to slight you or anyone else. A healing circle or a continued PM as Ron suggested sounds like a great idea. We are here to support each other. This is a good example of how our brothers are hurting and how we need to step up to the plate and offer our continued support like you have asked.

Feel fre to PM me.

J.R.

_________________________
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved. -Helen Keller

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#318876 - 01/14/10 11:06 AM Re: belonging [Re: J.R.]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1291
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:20 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

Top
#318881 - 01/14/10 11:16 AM Re: belonging [Re: Obi]
J.R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/07
Posts: 307
Loc: United States
Obi,

Maybe we need to create our own healing circle for those of us who have a heterosexual preference. Something we should probably think about.

I hear you on the WoR. I too have issues with attending these events which are so far from me, and that cost so much money. I wish there was a way they could cut the cost down, or start offering scholarships. It almost seems the poor are just limited to this site.

We'll keep talking.

J.R.

_________________________
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved. -Helen Keller

Top
#318884 - 01/14/10 11:40 AM Re: belonging [Re: J.R.]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
I wish there was a way they could cut the cost down, or start offering scholarships


scholarships are offered regularly, but you have to apply for them from the registration page. go here to check out that option

there are other healing circles ready to start soon. but really anyone can belong to any healing circle. none of them are exclusive of any specific sexual orientation [not even the GBTQ ; Q = questioning, and most likely a great majority of us qualify there]. but send a PM to moderator andy to find out when the next one begins. he is basically the contact person in charge of them.

good luck!

ron



_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#318886 - 01/14/10 12:13 PM Re: belonging [Re: Sans Logos]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1291
Loc: kansas
...


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:21 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

Top
#318887 - 01/14/10 12:18 PM Re: belonging [Re: Obi]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: Obi
was talking about feeling like trash, well, that's how i'm feeling lately. feel like trash. feel like an outcast on a site to help support others. i may be wrong but that's how i've been feeling lately.


Obi,

I respect where your coming from. It is important to not blame the abuse and just be where your at.

You and I have some strong similarities in your "stories" so, I immediately connected with you. You also, reached out to me and I reached out to you. While this is great, there are great guys to chat with as well. Kidney is a great guy. The neat thing is your connecting.

This is a balancing act allowing others to get to know you and for you to get to know them. For me, as CSA and a SA survivor it has taken me about 8 months here to understand how to "work" this out here on this website.

All of us are different. YOU Obi are doing great. In this post you are finding your voice. The struggle is finding your voice. "Knowing" where your at" is important.

We all have personalities which we will mesh with others in both good and bad AND grey areas.

This may sound as clear as mud - lol.

TRUST is a huge issue. I made the mistake of starting out trusting everybody and wanting everybody to trust me. The truth is I dont trust and needed to learn the difference. For me getting to the "feelings" I separated from at 6 during the csa and at 28 during the SA has been crucial for me to be complete and not at the mercy of others so to speak - not saying anyone here is.

I try to remember the wonderful support I get even if I am not getting what i need currently.

Peace,
Donnie



Edited by DJsport (01/14/10 01:21 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#318896 - 01/14/10 01:26 PM Re: belonging [Re: Obi]
J.R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/07
Posts: 307
Loc: United States
Ron,

Are there any scholarships for the Conference? The only thing that came up for Scholarships was the WoR.

J.R.

_________________________
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved. -Helen Keller

Top
#319023 - 01/15/10 05:45 PM Re: belonging [Re: J.R.]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Yep. Belonging here is tough.

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

Top
#319031 - 01/15/10 07:47 PM Re: belonging [Re: DJsport]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
Belonging anywhere is tough.

Too many walls, too much distance.

Always alone!


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#319093 - 01/16/10 12:56 PM Re: belonging [Re: Obi]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Obi,
I didn't mean to sound so preachy.
I don't think your flow of emotion in this thread is in any way abnormal. Confusing to you maybe but not abnormal. We have to pay attention to one thing at a time. We can have many different thoughts and reactions at the same time but we usually only talk about the most important one to us and exclude the rest.
I think it is the act of offering the help, not the response or effectiveness that matters so much. Being willing to forget your own stuff and get involved in someone else's is the thing. Giving freely. Somehow that act brings many relief from personal angst. I am one of those whom it helps.
Please don't regard me as anything other than another victim suffering as you are offering up my own experience as help.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#319131 - 01/16/10 09:55 PM Re: belonging [Re: Sans Logos]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 627
Originally Posted By: Sans Logos


i'm not trying to preach here, but as one who has met other survivors, participated in a conference, been on and off this site since 2003, i've seen people come and go and come and go. some finding healing, and some running from healing. being here is like opening pandora's box. but remember, this site is meant to be used as one tool in conjunction with other recovery resources such as outside groups and therapy. the best result will happen when over time, because recovery is a process..... a long process. and not that i am holding myself up for how to do it,..... no, far from that, i am just trying to be the voice of reason and hope for guys who perhaps for the first time in their life are coming to terms with all those things that took a lifetime of effort and energy to control and to suppress, and who, finding that not working any longer now find themselves powerless to face on their own volition years of pain and unresolved hurt, bubbling to the surface like a volcano ready to erupt.


Been here. Done that too. I'm still finding old stuff---that's been there my whole life---and feel overwhelmed. I'm gone for like months. It's lonely. Normal. Trying to spot my denial is rough. For that Ron, thank you. I'm seeing it.

Alfred


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#319193 - 01/17/10 04:18 PM Re: belonging [Re: Sans Logos]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: Sans Logos
i'm not trying to preach here, but as one who has met other survivors, participated in a conference, been on and off this site since 2003, i've seen people come and go and come and go. some finding healing, and some running from healing.


it is tough to build trust in chat when most are NOT there for "recovery" reasons.

it is tough as some do not know or are scared to open up and the typical "chat" is about everyday stuff like going to the movies which is ok....but ...when someone is hurting....and scared they need more than just banter.

I have gone to the survivor support room and NO one says a thing.

This is a website where survivors are to be able to get support.

"Belonging" is paramount to everyones mental health.

I am committed to being there and growing.

Peace,
Donnie

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#319197 - 01/17/10 05:30 PM Re: belonging [Re: DJsport]
Tuggs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/20/07
Posts: 53
Loc: Pensacola, Florida, USA.
I've been in the chat and said nothing.

Minutes pass and I am terrified to say whats going on with me. I keep coming back, because I know I will say what is going on or that perfect question will be asked.

Meanwhile I will support where I can.

_________________________
Im alive. Youre alive. Want to play?
-Judah Rosner

My Story

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#319204 - 01/17/10 06:47 PM Re: belonging [Re: JustScott]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
not belonging has become an identity for me, as in always being on the outside. Funny thing is I find others there too who are alot like me that I can relate to. Is this belonging or not belonging? I guess this is the question.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And well change the world.


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#319249 - 01/18/10 07:39 AM Re: belonging [Re: jls]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Been I need to take a break. Wanted to add here - my sense of belonging is nurtured here but NOT all understand and that is the hard part.

I am processing some stuff and that is the hard part to balance the intense anger and keep my sense of belonging.

We can do this together.

Donnie

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#319280 - 01/18/10 01:18 PM Re: belonging [Re: DJsport]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Originally Posted By: DJsport
Yep. Belonging here is tough.


On the contrary, belonging here is not hard. One only has to meet one of two requirements:

1) Be a male survivor
2) Care about a male survivor

The hard part is understanding that and feeling like we belong here.

As a survivor, we have all, at one point or another in our life, lost our voice or have been ignored or otherwise marginalized. Time and again I see posts from members saying that "I have found my voice!" Guys, this is the key to belonging.

Recovery from sexual abuse is NOT a passive activity. One must a) want to recover, and b) work for recovery.

Going to the chat room and observing other people talk about recovery may give one information on what works for others, or what others are dealing with, but it doesn't do anything to help us find our voice. That happens when we make a post on the discussion board, or go into the chat room and declare "I need help tonight, guys!" and keep saying it until someone listens. If people ignore you in chat, then you don't quit even though it feels like rejection emotionally. We've been rejected emotionally for a long time, but we have to find our voice and keep trying! Night after night if that's what it takes, until we find someone who will listen... who will hear what we have to say, even if all we have to say is two words, or even one!

Don't give up. Keep trying. By trying, you are taking an active part in your recovery. Don't let someone ignoring you in the chat room shut down your recovery efforts. If there is someone in the chat room that you don't get along with, then reach out to someone else. The vast majority of our members are willing to talk to you, but they can't read your mind. Reach out. Someone will be there for you if you keep trying, even if the first people you reach out for aren't able or willing to help at that time.

Don't take someone telling you that they can't help you personally. Everyone is at a different stage in their recovery, and some people are in a better place to help other survivors. Again, keep trying.

Never give up. Never surrender.

And never fear. You belong here-- Each and every one of you.

D2k


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#319327 - 01/18/10 10:05 PM Re: belonging [Re: Dewey2k]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 627
I've been here a few times over the last few days, and this post is giving me courage. Thanks for sharing Dewey. I'm actively trying to ignore my pain, but it's not going away. Thank you for the encouragement.


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#319460 - 01/20/10 03:17 AM Re: belonging [Re: fhorns]
Joren Offline


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 51
Loc: US
I have to agree with the OP. I don't really feel like I belong anywhere. There isn't a single place in my life where I can just be me and relax. Part of this I'm sure if that I'm unwilling to trust others and thus give them the chance. Another, possibly larger, part is that I've made mistakes and fear correcting them will cause others a great deal of pain - yet that's what is needed.

I've been to chat, but to be honest, I'm so uncomfortable most of the time I just sit and listen. It's difficult being a survivor of CSA. I've hung around here for over a year now and still only 'participate' in the forums irregularly.

I wonder how does one go about belonging anywhere? I'm not really sure I've ever belonged anywhere so I don't really know what to expect or how to identify it if I did.

Mike


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#319502 - 01/20/10 12:41 PM Re: belonging [Re: Joren]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
To me, belonging is a combination of factors, not all of which are in our control.

First, we must interact. One can never belong in a group from the outside.

Second, we comport ourselves within the groups expected parameters. Going into a ballroom dance like it is a mosh pit won't get you included in the next invitation.

Third, the group's members must recognize you, first as a "newbie", and then later accept you as a group member.

This is the factor we can not control individually. Other peoples' reactions to us are an indication as to whether or not we're fitting into the group's expected qualities for members. These could range from how we behave and interact to how we look. I'm not saying it is fair, and frankly if a group rejected me for how I look, I wouldn't want to belong to it anyway, but I digress.

A common issue here at MaleSurvivor, both on the discussion board and especially in the chat room is that we're all coming in from the outside. We've been conditioned to feel that we are not worthy of belonging; that we are somehow flawed and no one else wants us. This feeling is pervasive and affects us in every social situation from intimate relationships to workplace relationships. In my experience, this feeling doesn't go away until we are already part of a group and have been for a long time.

Some recovery groups have a saying: "Fake it 'til you make it." Simply put, act as though you belong even if you feel you don't. That means overcoming the fear and reaching out, subtly demanding that we be recognized as part of the group simply by being there. We then have to interact with the group as a group member. Over time we become more comfortable as part of the group, and then (sometimes) we wonder how we ever felt excluded.

Cliques are always an issue. A tight-bound group may never be open to interlopers. This we can do nothing about except recognize its existence and move on.

In a place like MaleSurvivor, however, cliques are not helpful. They exclude people who come here for help, and others who are looking for a place to belong. No one person "owns" the chat room. No one clique "owns" the discussion board. We, collectively as members, are included in both by right of being members. There are no other requirements, and no one (except the site administration) has the right to tell you otherwise.

As a member, I ask my fellow members for these things:

1) Be aware of cliques, and attempt to avoid forming them by intentionally excluding or ignoring others.

2) Remember how you felt when you first came here from the outside. When you see someone new, interact with them if they are willing. Let them know you are there for them if they choose not to interact.

3) Welcoming new members -- survivors who are looking for help -- to the site is in everyone's best interest. It shows them that they made the right choice to come here. Besides, you never know which of your fellow survivors could show you the key to your own recovery.

4) Be tolerant of others. This is a diverse site, with people from all over the world with myriad differences, but one thing ties us all together: abuse. Remember that before deciding this or that member is annoying and putting them on ignore. They may not know that they are acting inappropriately because they have never been shown differently. The abuse we suffered damaged us in ways we haven't even discovered yet, so perhaps they haven't discovered that their way of interacting is abrasive or offputing. Patience is a necessity when recovery is involved, whether dealing with others or ourselves.

Above all, remember we're on the same side, and we struggle together to repair our lives, to become whole once again. Everyone deserves that chance, and if we help each other, it makes the job a little bit easier.

D2K


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#319511 - 01/20/10 02:19 PM Re: belonging [Re: Dewey2k]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: Dewey2k
Some recovery groups have a saying: "Fake it 'til you make it." Simply put, act as though you belong even if you feel you don't. That means overcoming the fear and reaching out, subtly demanding that we be recognized as part of the group simply by being there.


Bravo - (((((D2K)))))

What you wrote are great guidelines for the "chat" room. It speaks volumes about what is needed.

What you stated is clear so each of us members to live by as well until we feel a "belonging".

It is important to know we do "belong" without question.

I feel so like I belong here and apart of life but, it has taken me some time.

I have had some very helpful mentors here. I have seen the cliches'. I have had therapy along with being here.

It works out.

Donnie

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#319873 - 01/23/10 07:55 PM Re: belonging [Re: jls]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: jls
It sounds screwed up but I feel that I don't belong in this chat room. I don't know why but I just don't. Even with the therapy I'm receiving I'm having a hard time receiving the help I need for being sexually abused as a kid. It makes it no one's fault by my own I guess. JS


This is a very good comment and valid. Wanted to bring this thread back to the beginning as I hijacked it.

I get what your saying JLS about "chat" here and as a survivor. Some can share but others can not - even if you ask. Definite intolerance here.



Edited by DJsport (01/23/10 10:01 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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