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#318858 - 01/14/10 09:15 AM Re: belonging [Re: Obi]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I understand I go through that. In my mind I figure it is a combination of the damage done causing me to have expectations that don't translate. I need X now but I don't usually understand what or why and then I ask and it doesn't come.

So was it me and I wasn't clear? Is it me and I am just so complicated people don't want to step into the quagmire? Is my "clarity" really a fog?
And so it spins around that swirling sucking eddy of despair.

I have learned from life not to expect others to understand or give me what I want or need even when I ask directly. That is probably an unhealthy adaptation but it protects me. I think you are healthier than that and know what you need but are having difficulty seeing it in what you are getting. Maybe it isn't there but I suspect it is and there is just a communication error blocking you. The more I work on this the more I see that communication ability is the most damaged aspect of my life.

I think those feelings are the effects of your abuse and not getting what you expect on here is triggering them. I don't think anyone is excluding you or any of us. Its just that our trust is broken and we are tired of taking chances we should get what we want here. Except life is never that easy and even among friends we have to compete and manuever to interact.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#318859 - 01/14/10 09:31 AM Re: belonging [Re: kidneythis]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1338
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:19 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

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#318861 - 01/14/10 10:15 AM Re: belonging [Re: Obi]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I don't think its expecting too much, I don't think I said that. I am using my experience as guide and I think you may not know what the possible responses are. You may be asking for one thing and wanting another and not even knowing it.
There is also the matter that a lot of us on here are just as broken, if not more broken than you. Have you considered engaging someone by offering them help rather than seeking help? Thats an AA thing I learned which helps me get out of my head and gets me positive engagement with people.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#318865 - 01/14/10 10:27 AM Re: belonging [Re: Obi]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
it pains me to see you guys speaking in this manner. as such i feel it pertinent to share a bit of what i had written in my sans logos says journal:

Quote:
building trusting and comfort-able relationships takes time, and i've noticed that in that development period, especially those of us who come here starving for authentic love and nurture denied us so many years, are easily hurt as the old familiar rejection and abandonment issues are exacerbated when we feel we've been slighted, ignored, or someway or another made to feel invisible and unimportant.

that's the flaw of these cyber communities. we can only get so close. and also, being that each of us are at differing levels of personal social development, different class, so diverse in our backgrounds, failing to spark a connection only serves in the end to reinforce those feelings of abandonment and rejection mentioned earlier. we long to imagine we've achieved some depth of closeness, and in some cases we have, but often those are only fleeting moments that prove themselves false as over time the flame of hope for finding the deep connections we've been denied so any years, begins to fade over the passing of time.

many of us will probably not get our deepest needs met here, but this site can be used to identify those needs, preparing us to go out into the playground of the 3D world and apply those principles to those real situations we encounter in the dream of everyday regular life.


guys, you have power to make and build strong connections. don't just wait for them to come to you. create them! find a bunch of people on here who say things that you find helpful and start up a PM support group where you can exchange ideas of a more personal nature in a more regular fashion. that's one way.

join a healing circle, and get to know individuals more intimately. connect to their struggles; reach out to them, as you would like for them to reach out to you, but lose the expectation to get anything in return. this will help to shift the focus off your own pain and give you some relief, and also help someone in your situation to feel encouraged that someone does care about them, inspiring them to do likewise.

next, until you get to know other survivors in person, you will most likely feel like this is all a dream. so plan to attend the conference. sign up for a retreat. meeting others in the flesh within the aegis of structured healing environment puts a face on recovery.

also, please consider. many of you have only been here for a matter of weeks or months. after having no survivor support for such a long long time, many for the first time, and possessing very few skills at this stage of recovery, it is only natural that all of the old repressed feelings of abandonment and rejection are going to fly to the surface. many people do not hang around after finding this site precisely because those feeling are too strong for them to deal with. having no experience reaching out and asking for help, they remain in isolation, fearing they will be rejected again and again if they risk reaching out. but this is the soft place to fall. take those risks here. risk those rejections, feel your pain and talk about it, and before you know it, something will click and you'll eventually begin to see your life with a glass half-full mentality instead of the other way around.

i'm not trying to preach here, but as one who has met other survivors, participated in a conference, been on and off this site since 2003, i've seen people come and go and come and go. some finding healing, and some running from healing. being here is like opening pandora's box. but remember, this site is meant to be used as one tool in conjunction with other recovery resources such as outside groups and therapy. the best result will happen when over time, because recovery is a process..... a long process. and not that i am holding myself up for how to do it,..... no, far from that, i am just trying to be the voice of reason and hope for guys who perhaps for the first time in their life are coming to terms with all those things that took a lifetime of effort and energy to control and to suppress, and who, finding that not working any longer now find themselves powerless to face on their own volition years of pain and unresolved hurt, bubbling to the surface like a volcano ready to erupt.

don't give up guys; don't foreclose on your issues and leave in confusion and disillusionment. stay strong, like the survivors you have always been, and stick around. work the recovery toolbox, and resolve those issues that are causing you to feel so isolated and alone today. don't give up or in to the temptation to escape the onslaught of painful feelings. carry on and follow thru! no if's, and's or but's! cool

your recovery pal,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#318866 - 01/14/10 10:37 AM Re: belonging [Re: kidneythis]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1338
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:20 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#318870 - 01/14/10 10:54 AM Re: belonging [Re: Obi]
J.R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/07
Posts: 307
Loc: United States
Obi,

I agree with what Ron said. We have to understand this is a virtual community. As such, people come and go, and even myself, have to sometimes cut chat short because I have something I have to go to or do. I don't think people are intentionally trying to slight you or anyone else. A healing circle or a continued PM as Ron suggested sounds like a great idea. We are here to support each other. This is a good example of how our brothers are hurting and how we need to step up to the plate and offer our continued support like you have asked.

Feel fre to PM me.

J.R.

_________________________
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved. -Helen Keller

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#318876 - 01/14/10 11:06 AM Re: belonging [Re: J.R.]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1338
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:20 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

Top
#318881 - 01/14/10 11:16 AM Re: belonging [Re: Obi]
J.R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/07
Posts: 307
Loc: United States
Obi,

Maybe we need to create our own healing circle for those of us who have a heterosexual preference. Something we should probably think about.

I hear you on the WoR. I too have issues with attending these events which are so far from me, and that cost so much money. I wish there was a way they could cut the cost down, or start offering scholarships. It almost seems the poor are just limited to this site.

We'll keep talking.

J.R.

_________________________
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved. -Helen Keller

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#318884 - 01/14/10 11:40 AM Re: belonging [Re: J.R.]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
I wish there was a way they could cut the cost down, or start offering scholarships


scholarships are offered regularly, but you have to apply for them from the registration page. go here to check out that option

there are other healing circles ready to start soon. but really anyone can belong to any healing circle. none of them are exclusive of any specific sexual orientation [not even the GBTQ ; Q = questioning, and most likely a great majority of us qualify there]. but send a PM to moderator andy to find out when the next one begins. he is basically the contact person in charge of them.

good luck!

ron



_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#318886 - 01/14/10 12:13 PM Re: belonging [Re: Sans Logos]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1338
Loc: kansas
...


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:21 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

Top
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