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#317557 - 01/04/10 02:34 AM angry
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Why do men f#$%^&* beat up on other men? Why do they think they are better and can rule the world? Why do they think it is better to abuse a man?

I am angry and powerless. I am hurt - why did they hurt me?

Admitting this to other men is tough. Men are ok with me being angry for having been raped as a child but not ok with me being angry for having been raped at 28.

Cops asked me - what were you doing in there? Why didnt you fight back?

Donnie



Edited by DJsport (01/06/10 12:11 PM)
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#317558 - 01/04/10 02:57 AM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Quote:
Cops asked me - what were you doing in there? Why didnt you fight back?


I am so sorry DJ. Unfortunately this just seems to be the common reaction by people who are ignorant about these things, including most cops.

(((Donnie)))

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#317560 - 01/04/10 03:00 AM Re: angry [Re: Barkabus]
DJsport Offline
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Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
It was 1992. BUT I am still angry. I know it is blaming the victim and I am not the only one.

My whole life changed. I stopped going to school. I have complex PTSD now. Forget the stuff my cousin did to me at 6.

I am so pissed off.

Donnie



Edited by DJsport (01/04/10 03:01 AM)
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#317562 - 01/04/10 03:13 AM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Hi DJ. It is unfortunate that males who report rape are treated differently, as in it is dismissed, whether they be adults or children, or whether it was by a man or a woman. When it comes to male violence I don't have an immediate answer to that question, except that it never ends so maybe its time for us guys to try something else. JS

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#317567 - 01/04/10 05:17 AM Re: angry [Re: jls]
sono Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
(((((Donnie)))))

Terrible reaction no doubt. Like Barkubus says, people without a clue are clueless. The only thing to do is to realize it's in the past. Have you ever seen "The Accused" with Jodie Foster? A film from the 80s...I think the lawyer is Kelly McGillis. It could be triggering, but you'll see a portrait of what you went through. Maybe it helps you not feel alone in this.

Sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#317570 - 01/04/10 07:57 AM Re: angry [Re: sono]
DJsport Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Sono and JLS - thanks.

Others too.

I have created a hug mess. In my anger, I have done stupid things. I need to let go.

In this I created yet another mess here. I have been such a fool.

I am in rage. I just want to be destroyed. I am irrational.

Their have been 5 perps in my life. 3 in my childhood and these 2 characters when I was 28.

I am just furious - not at anyone hear. I am beside myself. My stomach is all upset. I am not going to eat today. I have had 4 hrs of sleep. I had nightmares again.

Lots of deep breathing. This is serious!!!!! I am in trouble big time.

Donnie



Edited by DJsport (01/04/10 08:00 AM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

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#317576 - 01/04/10 10:19 AM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
DJ -

Can you contact your therapist by phone or email? If only briefly it could give you a familiar support base to find some feelings of security.

Historically women went through the shame and recrimination of being raped. Today resources are amazing for women but a lot of the stigma still exists. For men the groundwork has barely begun and sometimes I wonder if it really has. I currently work with a man who was a sex crimes investigator for ten years. He never talks about specific cases but does talk in a general sense. I think that those he assisted were fortunate since he has a great heart.

As for your question - my last therapist said something that stuck with me. Maybe the best answer is an age old one. Why do some do what they do? Hurting others? Some are just evil. No other explanation but that. And maybe that is going to be good enough for me. It was not my clothing, my build, my being naive enough to think things like that would never happen to me as an adult. It happened because they were evil. And then I just need to leave that with them.

DJ, I am so sorry for what they did to you. One of the worst things we can fall into is thinking we are alone in this. And since hardly any men come forward who have been raped as adults then we really feel we are alone. You are not alone in this. I was only one year older than you were when I went through it. I have railed against the wind over being a man with what many see as a woman's experience. But however the world perceives us we know what we know. And there has been a tiny bit of movement on our behalf. And maybe it is up to us to expand that out for the guys out there who think they are alone. One day I hope I am actually living that way in my life for me and for those guys.

Cry, breathe and yell if you need to. Ask for the help you need from your therapist, friends or whatever support you have. And you have people here who care about you as well.


Daryl



Edited by prisonerID (01/04/10 10:24 AM)
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#317578 - 01/04/10 10:48 AM Re: angry [Re: prisonerID]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Daryl.

So, I am not the only here who has been Sexually assaulted by men as an adult by a stranger?

I do feel alone. Thanks for sharing and letting me know about you.

I have been feeling very alone since I shared this experience Saturday NIGHT. This event changed my life for the last 17 years.

I have been asking why was I there? why did I not fight back? Did I deserve it?

I am just enraged and will deal with this. I do have a call in to see my T.

This anger has come out sideways and it is killing me. I will get a handle on this.

DJ



Edited by DJsport (01/04/10 10:56 AM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

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#317581 - 01/04/10 11:25 AM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
DJ -

I do not know "where" was but it made me think. I remember people asking why I stopped "there" to wash my car. Within that question I heard a million more that I felt I was being asked. I wish I had been more aware of my surroundings. I am sure you do too. But who said that guys in their 20s have it all figured out? We were still young men. And most people do not have their whole lives figured out that early. Heck, none do!

"Why did I not fight back?" I have wrestled with that more than anything. I do not if you froze, thought you could talk your way out of it, or whatever. But you or your mind did what was necessary for you to be alive. I have played it over in my mind so many times I have worn down the edges of my mind. You were outnumbered and taken by surprise. They stacked the cards against you. It is not just you, DJ. Most men could not have stopped it. Maybe no one could have. There is nothing wrong with you that you could not. Nothing. Read that again. Nothing. And you lived. If you had fought back you may not have survived. I am glad you survived.

"Did I deserve it?" Another thought train on which I have ridden the rails. You have your own set of reasons why you might think this way. Out of respect I will not try to address them by guessing. Whatever they are I can respond that no one, male or female - gay or straight, deserves to be raped no matter what the circumstances. I have my own list of "deservings" that I have fought against but mostly accepted. I do more fighting against that list now. My last therapist helped a lot and ony just recently am I starting to believe it for myself. I bet if I gave you my list you would say I did not deserve it. So why would you have deserved it if you feel I didn't?

Your anger is justified. Maybe it is just time for you to tackle this part of your abuse? I do not know if you have much in therapy before. It just may be time to conquer some of this. I do not say that with a frivolous attitude. It is rough as all abuse issues are.

You are not alone.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#317582 - 01/04/10 11:51 AM Re: angry [Re: prisonerID]
DJsport Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Daryl,

It feels so good to be talking with you. Your awesome at helping me process this.

I need this. I need to know I am not alone. Your words of wisdom are so healing.

DJ



Edited by DJsport (01/04/10 12:03 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

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#317583 - 01/04/10 12:06 PM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
prisonerID Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
DJ -

You are welcome and I am glad it is helping. You mentioned your PTSD which I have struggled with as well. It is so weird that that night was frozen and went by in slow motion for me. Life at times as been like riding a runaway train with everything flying by so fast. We have to remember to slow things down and not allow ourselves to physically match the speed our minds and emotions are currently at. Not easy and takes a step-back, deep breathing and distracting ourselves physically and cognitively. I hope you have some tricks like that to pull out to reorganize your thoughts and emotions at least temporarily. It really does work.

I still have never met another adult male survivor/victim/human. I have met a lot of CSA ones but never an adult and have always wanted to. When I did an initial intake for a hospital admission the guy on the phone said he understood because he had been assaulted as an adult. That is as close as I have gotten.

I am here to talk about this with you.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#317584 - 01/04/10 12:08 PM Re: angry [Re: sono]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
another good movie is 'nuts' with barbara streisand. she plays a woman who murders a guy who forces her to have sex, which leads to a trial to have her declared incompetent. as it turns out her life style as a promiscuous call girl is rooted in sexual abuse. it was a very powerful movie. never saw the play tho. i'll bet it was even better.

nuts

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  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#317591 - 01/04/10 12:55 PM Re: angry [Re: prisonerID]
DJsport Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: prisonerID
You are welcome and I am glad it is helping. You mentioned your PTSD which I have struggled with as well.


Daryl,

NOT sure if you experience these PTSD symptoms - I can't go in a public bathroom unless I can use the stall with a door. In a public space, I can only sit with my back to the wall. NOT feeling alone - not that I want anyone to have experienced this - is so life giving. Unscrambling the messages is the next big relief.

Sono, and Ron.

A movie might be good. JUST knowing I am not alone.

Peace,
DJ



Edited by DJsport (01/04/10 01:02 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

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#317592 - 01/04/10 01:03 PM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
DJ,

You are not alone...(I don't keep track...but,please don't ever think that you are alone on this issue)...If you notice at the top...it says..."overcoming sexual abuse of both boys and MEN".

Remindes me of the co-existant stuff that I went through with my brother...I mean...How am I suposed to deal with this stuff...on top of everything else...???...I felt so isolated and alone (even with support)...there was all these different confusing dynamics/feelings swirling around concerning abuse vs. incest.

Please be patient with yourself as you work on processing all of this...(I tend to disconnect...if I am not).


Land of Confusion (Disturbed)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#317594 - 01/04/10 01:21 PM Re: angry [Re: 1islandboy]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
DJ -

Yes, I experience some of the same things. I get anxious with other men in a restroom. I like the lock door and will wait for one to open if only the urinals are an option and ther are other men in there. In eateries I like facing the room and have to have all exits mapped out. It is actually better now but can surge higher from time to time. In the car all doors locked at all times. And car washes? No way. I go through the drive-thru ones. Ones without the other kind attached I get anxious just driving by the manual ones. This past therapist had helped with it.

I cannot walk by vans even though one was not involved in my assault. Just the hidden space and unkown. And if people are walking towards me - men - I get anxious. If two or more do it then I really feel the suffocation and desire to flee. One day last year one of my male students came up behind me and grabbed me. He only meant it as a sign he liked me and was joking around. Inside I exploded but hid it well. I then found a quiet place and had to pull myself together. I had to close my eyes and find a way out of the feeling I was back to that night.

Heard back from your therapist?


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#317595 - 01/04/10 01:28 PM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
petercorbett Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Our pain is never ending.

Our fears, our doubts, of just why we gave in as adults.

Why didn't we stand and fight? Why didn't we run from it?

A million WHY's, and a million answers.

But we didn't for various reasons.

Then, comes the anger, but where do we place it?

Seems like we place it squarely on ourselfs.

And we try for the rest of our lives to shed the anger and shame & the blame.

We just cannot afford to let all of this consume us.
I personally know.

Donnie, prisonerID & Ron. We know that we are not ALONE in this. It's very importaint to realise that you are not alone.

One of your brothers that you trust is always there for YOU.
You know the address.

Heal well my brothers, heal well.

Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose).

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#317596 - 01/04/10 01:56 PM Re: angry [Re: petercorbett]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
You guys are awesome. Why are you helping me? cry

Daryl - knowing you survived this gives me hope. I have a hard time trusting.

****triggers****

I am so angy at those two guys. I can still see their faces 17 years later. I can see their anger and determination. I can feel them on my body. I remember their voices. I remember the smells of the bathroom and them. It is mixed with the anger.

Donnie is wanting to run. He was the one who froze because of the memory of what happened to him at age 6. BUT DJ did nothing to get away and this is the hard part.

I have NOT talked about this. I mentioned it very briefly before. It is now biting me in the axx.

DJ



Edited by DJsport (01/04/10 01:58 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#317599 - 01/04/10 02:19 PM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
DJ -

You did do something - you did things to survive. Whether you realize that or not. You did do those things. It makes sense that because of the CSA you froze as an adult. And that should give your adult self something to sort through now. A large piece to the puzzle. What happened as a child impacted your assault as an adult in how you reacted.

The physical memories are very natural. Whatever smells bring you comfort then have that handy. When the smell of that abuse comes on strong then smell that. Carry a candle in your coat pocket. I have a cinnamon apple one in my car. Have some favorite memories to pull out to get through it. Any distraction just to slow the heartbeat. You can process this, DJ. But when it gets to be too much try these things to try to unwind out of it. You do not need to ber Superman about it.

Just keep walking it.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#317605 - 01/04/10 03:29 PM Re: angry [Re: prisonerID]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
DJ,

I'm terribly sorry that you went through that. That must feel aweful. You definitely are not alone and you sure as hell did not deserve that. I've heard similar stories on here many times and your scenario is unfortunately, more common than you think.

It gets me thinking tho. As children, our natural body response was to freeze up, dissociate, and run on "auto-pilot" until the threat to us was gone. We couldn't run or overpower our aggressors so our body, ingeniously did what ever it could to protect us and I truly feel blessed because of that. Now think of your body learning to react that way by default anytime there is an imminent threat to you that could cause bodily harm.

Learning such a routine at a young age makes it a bit harder to break as an adult but it can be done. In fact, you freezing up when you were 28 was probably just your means of protecting yourself emotionally. I know that is probably hard to take in but it is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of. It sounds as if you're almost as angry with yourself, as you are with the perps.

I'm not sure how you feel about it entirely but I think I understand why you handled the situation the way you did. It very well may have been the thing that kept you safe enough to live another 17 years after the fact. I hope you learn to forgive yourself for not fighting back. We all have to pick and choose our fights wisely. You deserve to have that forgiveness for yourself.

Thank you for having the courage to post this thread.

Good luck my friend.
Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#317616 - 01/04/10 04:56 PM Re: angry [Re: endlessjourney]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: endlessjourney
It sounds as if you're almost as angry with yourself, as you are with the perps.


Jason, yes, I am angry with myself for the SA. I am working through this. Taking apart the messages and reframing my being is my goal. This has turned my world upside down.

I am shifting the messages from blaming and being angry at myself to whom the blame and anger belongs too.

I am very angry. And shifting the messages via you guys help. The anger is intense - I get all teary eyed one second and very flush the next. I can hardly stand this feeling of being flush. I have eaten. I am not sure what this is besides the anger.

Donnie



Edited by DJsport (01/04/10 05:21 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#317619 - 01/04/10 05:44 PM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Originally Posted By: DJsport
[quote=endlessjourney] I am not sure what this is besides the anger.

Donnie


Did you you mean emotionally? I'm sure it's a compilation, of rage, fear, shame, and sadness. Now that is an emotional Hurricane that no one loves to undergo. Have you tried journaling about it in a notebook?

Do you have any other things to keep your mind off the situation for a while in between episodes of focusing on this?

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#317631 - 01/04/10 09:15 PM Re: angry [Re: endlessjourney]
Anarion Cti Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/09
Posts: 157
Loc: Eastern US
DJ and PrisonerID, although my abuse was actually CSA, I can definitely relate to the anxiety about using urinals in public restrooms, since that is where I was first assaulted by a stranger at age 7. I too use the stalls whenever I can, because if there are other guys around, especially if they are making a lot of noise, I tense up so much I can't go, even if I feel like my bladder is going to burst (psychologists even have a name for this: being "pee shy").
My therapist also explained to me the freeze reaction, which is what I did apparently both at that time and again at age 8 when a neighbor boy attacked me: most of us have heard of "fight or flight" which is the typical PTSD reaction that a lot of us get, including myself, but very few people understand that the brain's endocrinal glans can simultaneously put out contradictory signals in a crisis, which both tell the body to both fight and flee simultaneously. The result? Freezing up. Thus, we can think of it not just as "fight or flight", but "fight, flight, or freeze". During the first few minutes of the second attack, I too did not fight back, at least not at first, because I was frozen in shock, disbelief, and bewilderment, so I just kept hanging onto my bike while the neighbor boy did his damage for I don't know how long (funny how I can remember where I was standing and where the sun was in the sky at the time and what the weather was, but reconstructing time is a lot fuzzier).
The main take away from this is that the body's reaction can be similar at any age, especially if the man was already abused as a child, and a number of my friends assaulted as grown men confirm this to me.
Please know that you are not alone in so much of what you experienced, DJSport. While your experience was to some extent unique, we are all united in the common bond of suffering, a bond which allows us to empathize and escape the alone-ness that the perpetrators sought to impose on us. Because we are not alone, we can help each other against the perps and their legacy.
And I can really relate to the anger, too. These last few days I've finally made some strides towards turning my self-hatred into anger at my perps. I'll forgive them when I'm good and ready to; in the meantime, I'm going to be angry as I want to be. I'm hoping that your anger at your perps will also drain off any self-hatred you may be experiencing, DJ.
Please take good care of yourself. You deserve to be treated with care and respect.
Standing with you,
Anarion

_________________________
"Thou, O Lord, are the shield about me;
You're my helper,
You're the one who lifts up my head."
"Whom have I in heaven or earth but You?"

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#317632 - 01/04/10 09:48 PM Re: angry [Re: endlessjourney]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: endlessjourney
Did you you mean emotionally? I'm sure it's a compilation, of rage, fear, shame, and sadness. Now that is an emotional Hurricane that no one loves to undergo. Have you tried journaling about it in a notebook?

Do you have any other things to keep your mind off the situation for a while in between episodes of focusing on this?


Yes, I mean emotionally. Too be honest this is the first time I have even talked about this so I have not sat down to journal as it frightens me.

I am in school and class starts tomorrow for me.

I am so full of rage. I do see my T on Wednesday.

I want to kick those guys asses. I have had 5 perps - my csa was my older cousin when I was 6, my mom, a fellow soldier when I was 17, and the sa was these two strange men.

I just want to crawl under a rock. BUT, with you guys strength and wisdom and being my brothers :cry" I will survive.

I need relief. My stomach is all upset.

Donnie-DJ



Edited by DJsport (01/04/10 09:50 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

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#317646 - 01/04/10 11:47 PM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
im sorry DJ. i'm here 4 u too. i understand rage. You told me it was ok to feel like that once.

sports used to work for me. do sports till u r worn out. i'm srry i cant b more help.


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#317655 - 01/05/10 01:48 AM Re: angry [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
Rambofear Offline


Registered: 11/27/09
Posts: 51
deleted



Edited by Rambofear (01/05/10 02:10 AM)

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#317673 - 01/05/10 08:41 AM Re: less angry and more calm/joy [Re: Rambofear]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Daniel,

By being here you help me. Sports and exercise are helping me too.

Rambo, I would like to hear what you have to say.

I am feeling energized today.

Daryl, Pete and everyone here,

Your support has been awesome - life giving.

Ron - SL - Here is to a year of discovery with more peace and calmness.

Donnie-DJ



Edited by DJsport (01/05/10 08:42 AM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

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#317770 - 01/05/10 10:48 PM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Guys,

I face my T tomorrow or the SA events. I faced the csa stuff and that lasted for over a year so, I can do this, right.

I had a good day but tonight the feelings are raising up. Is my anger a defense mechanism?

I have these stupid thoughts that my T - who I have seen for 1.5 years - is going to say dont come back.

Greater peace will follow,right

DJ



Edited by DJsport (01/05/10 10:53 PM)
_________________________
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#317783 - 01/06/10 12:07 AM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Originally Posted By: DJsport


I have these stupid thoughts that my T - who I have seen for 1.5 years - is going to say dont come back.

DJ


I can understand that feeling. However, you do know that it is an irrational thought and that's a plus. Some people out there may run if you tell them such things. Not because of you, but because it may be too overwhelming for them at the time. Not everyone is that strong. I'm sure that your T won't run and neither will I or the guys on this site.

Remember that you are safe in his office (your T) and that you can stop and back away from the topic for a bit when ever you feel overwhelmed. Good luck. For years, I would sit and focus on what I was going to reveal to my T about my issues before a session. Many of those times, I didn't mention what I had planned the day before because I was too scared. However, I did later when I was ready.

Good luck my friend.
Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#317803 - 01/06/10 03:22 AM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
Allen_k Offline


Registered: 02/16/09
Posts: 5
you're so right, people are ignorant and stupid, they have a big prejudice and wrong idea when this kind of thing happens to males (that's why many adult male doesn't report to anyone)

I understand your feeling, sometimes i wish i could destroy everything around me


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#317810 - 01/06/10 04:37 AM Re: angry [Re: Allen_k]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Think Nike- "just do it".

Sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#317814 - 01/06/10 08:04 AM Re: angry [Re: sono]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: sono
just do it


Sono,

Your right! Forget the fear and just do it. I have been "beating around the bush" for almost 2 decades with this.

Jason,

Your right! She My T will not throw me out.

Guys,

I am in a panic mode!!!!! Your guys are with me. These guys have been taunting me for being gay and lots of things for decades and now it is time to let them go.

Daryl, Sono, Jason, Pete, Ron - I still want to RUN.

BUT, I am NOT RUNNING any more. OK I am out the door. I see my T in an hour.

DJ



Edited by DJsport (01/06/10 08:04 AM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#317834 - 01/06/10 11:22 AM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
Knowledgeseeker Offline


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 4
DJ You did not do anything wrong!!! There is nothing "wrong" with you!!! Seek out people to put into your life, who bring you hope. You can not control what you feel in this case "rage", rage at the world, Rage at the perps, Rage at yourself, However what you can do is control how you react to the rage you feel.. What can you do to get the rage out without hurting others or your self??


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#317846 - 01/06/10 12:02 PM Re: angry [Re: Knowledgeseeker]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I did it. I talked with my T.

She did NOT kick me out of her office.

She talked me through the awful messages.

It feels so good. We talked about the rage.

I am so calm now.

I have hope!!!!

DJ-Donnie

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#317855 - 01/06/10 12:26 PM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
That's awesome DJ. I'm so glad you are working through this. Good on ya!

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#317909 - 01/06/10 05:24 PM Re: angry [Re: Barkabus]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Well done sir. Nerve racking while doing that task, but extremely gratifying afterwards.

Keep up the good work DJ!

Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#317994 - 01/07/10 12:20 AM Re: angry [Re: endlessjourney]
petercorbett Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

I'm glad for you Donnie.

A big step, YOU did it.

Heal well my brother Donnie, heal well.

Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose).

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#318332 - 01/09/10 02:58 PM Re: depressed [Re: petercorbett]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Had a date (3rd date) last night. Memories surfaced again about this. It has only been a few days so, will give myself a break, BUT he wanted sex last night and I could NOT.

Could only tell him "am nervous" when he asked why I have NO erection.

Other thoughts are still there.

Feeling depressed. I wanted to cry in his arms but couldnt. First time I have been naked with someone in a long time. I felt so safe with him or wanted to be.

Many steps forward and a couple back.

Urgh!!!!

Donnie-DJ



Edited by DJsport (01/09/10 05:16 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#318356 - 01/09/10 07:14 PM Re: depressed [Re: DJsport]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
*****Triggers****

Was Scared for my LIFE. NOT last night.

Guys, I was scared for my life. They played russian roulette with the gun. I complied. This is so hard to reconcile. Did I want it and complied? Was I a wuss?

NOT sure what I am looking for here.

It hurts. I feared for my life.

I am glad to be alive.

I am gagging and feeling like puking.
DJ-Donnie





Edited by DJsport (01/09/10 07:15 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#318359 - 01/09/10 08:49 PM Re: depressed [Re: DJsport]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
More gagging and stuff.

Will this stop.

So scared.

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#318383 - 01/10/10 04:08 AM Re: depressed [Re: DJsport]
claretblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/09
Posts: 97
Loc: UK
I hope the PTSD symptoms have eased off by now man.

Anyone facing two men with a gun & hearing/ watching russian roulette with it, has been given no alternative: that is major major bad news. The fact they did that shows you resisted. Your T was right in what she said. Now you're dealing with the shocking aftermath of bringing the incident to the surface.

I do hope you're feeling a bit better today DJ...

ClaretBlue


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#318407 - 01/10/10 10:11 AM Re: depressed [Re: claretblue]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
This is so confusing. This memories are so strong. I am present so the disassociation is NOT happening which is good.

Compared to my other flashbacks - CSA - this is minor. BUT, they are as real as can be.

I am not feeling better. BUT, I am hopeful. I will be at home today re-newing my energies.

I have stuff to do so hopefully this will help.

I am down though. I had a nightmare again. I am struggling with the memory. I am struggling with being alive.

DJ-Donnie



Edited by DJsport (01/10/10 11:29 AM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#318422 - 01/10/10 12:50 PM resolve - anger [Re: DJsport]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I wonder if I would have fought back if I would have died. Were they really bluffing? I would kick their asses today or die trying. I am alive and did what I did back then.

Dignity. Integrity. Happiness.

Resolve. Aliveness.

Peace,
Donnie-DJ





Edited by DJsport (01/10/10 12:55 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#318425 - 01/10/10 01:14 PM Re: resolve - anger [Re: DJsport]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
It seems as if these symptoms have gotten a bit more intense after seeing your T. That sounds like you're working it out of your system and healing. It will lose intensity. Now that you've talked about the incident and got it out in the open, perhaps you're in the stage that's like pooring the rubbing alcohol on the wound. It'll hurt now and suck somewhat, but it will help you "clean the wound" and heal down to the core.

Yea, I understand the gagging part. Sometimes the physical symptoms of the PTSD can be more frightening than anything because it feels like you're reliving the event. Moreso, I think, than flashbacks of sound and sight. That's just from my experiences and this may not apply to some others.

One of the hard things for me was going on dates and feeling obligated to sleep with a girl. Social stigmas would point in the other direction but, I felt that if I went on a few dates, then I should make a move and try to sleep with the girl or she'd loose interest. I pressured myself before I felt comfortable with the individual and ended up feeling sick and terrified when getting intimate. I learned it takes a bit longer for me to warm up intimately with others. However, I've learned to respect that and I make that clear to a potential partner. This has depleted my anxiety around intimacy issues immensely. I can actually enjoy being intimate now. Aside from the guilt I still feel at times but I'm working around that too. I just gotta grow some and start meeting more women and going on more dates.

Dating sucks anyway so of course it will feel uncomfortable lol.

Good luck DJ, The storm will pass.
Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

Top
#318439 - 01/10/10 06:20 PM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 979
Loc: HULBERT OK
anger is not necesarly a bad thing . It helps us tsand up for what is rite. When we stop reacating , and become emotoinless. then we are in trouble

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#318450 - 01/10/10 09:15 PM Re: angry [Re: OKIE MIKE]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Michael.

Mucho Gracias. your words are so appreciated. I find alot of ppl wanting me to now feel my anger.

slow deep breaths

DJ-Donnie



Edited by DJsport (01/10/10 09:16 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

Top
#319247 - 01/18/10 07:21 AM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
It has been a week since I shared the rape at gun point at age 28.

My anger is so deep. I am shaking this morning.

What they did and my use of the messages is NOT good.

My whole being is - my mind, my body and my spirit is furious. I am pushing others away. I can feel it. I have disassociated/passed out twice this week.

I am shaking. How do I get through this?

Help me!!!

Donnie





Edited by DJsport (01/18/10 07:27 AM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#319283 - 01/18/10 01:27 PM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Donnie,

Keep sharing here. It doesn't matter what you put down. Stream of consciousness is sometimes illuminating if one looks at it later.

If you have a counselor, contact them. If you don't and feel like you need to talk to someone, contact your local crisis hotline. They are anonymous, and they might be able to direct you to local resources to help you out.

We're here for you, my friend.

Dwayne


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