This is so confusing. This memories are so strong. I am present so the disassociation is NOT happening which is good.

Compared to my other flashbacks - CSA - this is minor. BUT, they are as real as can be.

I am not feeling better. BUT, I am hopeful. I will be at home today re-newing my energies.

I have stuff to do so hopefully this will help.

I am down though. I had a nightmare again. I am struggling with the memory. I am struggling with being alive.

DJ-Donnie

I wonder if I would have fought back if I would have died. Were they really bluffing? I would kick their asses today or die trying. I am alive and did what I did back then.

Dignity. Integrity. Happiness.

Resolve. Aliveness.

Peace,
Donnie-DJ

It seems as if these symptoms have gotten a bit more intense after seeing your T. That sounds like you're working it out of your system and healing. It will lose intensity. Now that you've talked about the incident and got it out in the open, perhaps you're in the stage that's like pooring the rubbing alcohol on the wound. It'll hurt now and suck somewhat, but it will help you "clean the wound" and heal down to the core.

Yea, I understand the gagging part. Sometimes the physical symptoms of the PTSD can be more frightening than anything because it feels like you're reliving the event. Moreso, I think, than flashbacks of sound and sight. That's just from my experiences and this may not apply to some others.

One of the hard things for me was going on dates and feeling obligated to sleep with a girl. Social stigmas would point in the other direction but, I felt that if I went on a few dates, then I should make a move and try to sleep with the girl or she'd loose interest. I pressured myself before I felt comfortable with the individual and ended up feeling sick and terrified when getting intimate. I learned it takes a bit longer for me to warm up intimately with others. However, I've learned to respect that and I make that clear to a potential partner. This has depleted my anxiety around intimacy issues immensely. I can actually enjoy being intimate now. Aside from the guilt I still feel at times but I'm working around that too. I just gotta grow some and start meeting more women and going on more dates.

Dating sucks anyway so of course it will feel uncomfortable lol.

Good luck DJ, The storm will pass.
Jason

anger is not necesarly a bad thing . It helps us tsand up for what is rite. When we stop reacating , and become emotoinless. then we are in trouble

Michael.

Mucho Gracias. your words are so appreciated. I find alot of ppl wanting me to now feel my anger.

slow deep breaths

DJ-Donnie

It has been a week since I shared the rape at gun point at age 28.

My anger is so deep. I am shaking this morning.

What they did and my use of the messages is NOT good.

My whole being is - my mind, my body and my spirit is furious. I am pushing others away. I can feel it. I have disassociated/passed out twice this week.

I am shaking. How do I get through this?

Help me!!!

Donnie

Donnie,

Keep sharing here. It doesn't matter what you put down. Stream of consciousness is sometimes illuminating if one looks at it later.

If you have a counselor, contact them. If you don't and feel like you need to talk to someone, contact your local crisis hotline. They are anonymous, and they might be able to direct you to local resources to help you out.

We're here for you, my friend.

Dwayne