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#317583 - 01/04/10 12:06 PM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
DJ -

You are welcome and I am glad it is helping. You mentioned your PTSD which I have struggled with as well. It is so weird that that night was frozen and went by in slow motion for me. Life at times as been like riding a runaway train with everything flying by so fast. We have to remember to slow things down and not allow ourselves to physically match the speed our minds and emotions are currently at. Not easy and takes a step-back, deep breathing and distracting ourselves physically and cognitively. I hope you have some tricks like that to pull out to reorganize your thoughts and emotions at least temporarily. It really does work.

I still have never met another adult male survivor/victim/human. I have met a lot of CSA ones but never an adult and have always wanted to. When I did an initial intake for a hospital admission the guy on the phone said he understood because he had been assaulted as an adult. That is as close as I have gotten.

I am here to talk about this with you.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#317584 - 01/04/10 12:08 PM Re: angry [Re: sono]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
another good movie is 'nuts' with barbara streisand. she plays a woman who murders a guy who forces her to have sex, which leads to a trial to have her declared incompetent. as it turns out her life style as a promiscuous call girl is rooted in sexual abuse. it was a very powerful movie. never saw the play tho. i'll bet it was even better.

nuts

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#317591 - 01/04/10 12:55 PM Re: angry [Re: prisonerID]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: prisonerID
You are welcome and I am glad it is helping. You mentioned your PTSD which I have struggled with as well.


Daryl,

NOT sure if you experience these PTSD symptoms - I can't go in a public bathroom unless I can use the stall with a door. In a public space, I can only sit with my back to the wall. NOT feeling alone - not that I want anyone to have experienced this - is so life giving. Unscrambling the messages is the next big relief.

Sono, and Ron.

A movie might be good. JUST knowing I am not alone.

Peace,
DJ



Edited by DJsport (01/04/10 01:02 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#317592 - 01/04/10 01:03 PM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 865
Loc: washington
DJ,

You are not alone...(I don't keep track...but,please don't ever think that you are alone on this issue)...If you notice at the top...it says..."overcoming sexual abuse of both boys and MEN".

Remindes me of the co-existant stuff that I went through with my brother...I mean...How am I suposed to deal with this stuff...on top of everything else...???...I felt so isolated and alone (even with support)...there was all these different confusing dynamics/feelings swirling around concerning abuse vs. incest.

Please be patient with yourself as you work on processing all of this...(I tend to disconnect...if I am not).


Land of Confusion (Disturbed)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#317594 - 01/04/10 01:21 PM Re: angry [Re: 1islandboy]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
DJ -

Yes, I experience some of the same things. I get anxious with other men in a restroom. I like the lock door and will wait for one to open if only the urinals are an option and ther are other men in there. In eateries I like facing the room and have to have all exits mapped out. It is actually better now but can surge higher from time to time. In the car all doors locked at all times. And car washes? No way. I go through the drive-thru ones. Ones without the other kind attached I get anxious just driving by the manual ones. This past therapist had helped with it.

I cannot walk by vans even though one was not involved in my assault. Just the hidden space and unkown. And if people are walking towards me - men - I get anxious. If two or more do it then I really feel the suffocation and desire to flee. One day last year one of my male students came up behind me and grabbed me. He only meant it as a sign he liked me and was joking around. Inside I exploded but hid it well. I then found a quiet place and had to pull myself together. I had to close my eyes and find a way out of the feeling I was back to that night.

Heard back from your therapist?


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#317595 - 01/04/10 01:28 PM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2488
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Our pain is never ending.

Our fears, our doubts, of just why we gave in as adults.

Why didn't we stand and fight? Why didn't we run from it?

A million WHY's, and a million answers.

But we didn't for various reasons.

Then, comes the anger, but where do we place it?

Seems like we place it squarely on ourselfs.

And we try for the rest of our lives to shed the anger and shame & the blame.

We just cannot afford to let all of this consume us.
I personally know.

Donnie, prisonerID & Ron. We know that we are not ALONE in this. It's very importaint to realise that you are not alone.

One of your brothers that you trust is always there for YOU.
You know the address.

Heal well my brothers, heal well.

Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose).

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#317596 - 01/04/10 01:56 PM Re: angry [Re: petercorbett]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
You guys are awesome. Why are you helping me? cry

Daryl - knowing you survived this gives me hope. I have a hard time trusting.

****triggers****

I am so angy at those two guys. I can still see their faces 17 years later. I can see their anger and determination. I can feel them on my body. I remember their voices. I remember the smells of the bathroom and them. It is mixed with the anger.

Donnie is wanting to run. He was the one who froze because of the memory of what happened to him at age 6. BUT DJ did nothing to get away and this is the hard part.

I have NOT talked about this. I mentioned it very briefly before. It is now biting me in the axx.

DJ



Edited by DJsport (01/04/10 01:58 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#317599 - 01/04/10 02:19 PM Re: angry [Re: DJsport]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
DJ -

You did do something - you did things to survive. Whether you realize that or not. You did do those things. It makes sense that because of the CSA you froze as an adult. And that should give your adult self something to sort through now. A large piece to the puzzle. What happened as a child impacted your assault as an adult in how you reacted.

The physical memories are very natural. Whatever smells bring you comfort then have that handy. When the smell of that abuse comes on strong then smell that. Carry a candle in your coat pocket. I have a cinnamon apple one in my car. Have some favorite memories to pull out to get through it. Any distraction just to slow the heartbeat. You can process this, DJ. But when it gets to be too much try these things to try to unwind out of it. You do not need to ber Superman about it.

Just keep walking it.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#317605 - 01/04/10 03:29 PM Re: angry [Re: prisonerID]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
DJ,

I'm terribly sorry that you went through that. That must feel aweful. You definitely are not alone and you sure as hell did not deserve that. I've heard similar stories on here many times and your scenario is unfortunately, more common than you think.

It gets me thinking tho. As children, our natural body response was to freeze up, dissociate, and run on "auto-pilot" until the threat to us was gone. We couldn't run or overpower our aggressors so our body, ingeniously did what ever it could to protect us and I truly feel blessed because of that. Now think of your body learning to react that way by default anytime there is an imminent threat to you that could cause bodily harm.

Learning such a routine at a young age makes it a bit harder to break as an adult but it can be done. In fact, you freezing up when you were 28 was probably just your means of protecting yourself emotionally. I know that is probably hard to take in but it is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of. It sounds as if you're almost as angry with yourself, as you are with the perps.

I'm not sure how you feel about it entirely but I think I understand why you handled the situation the way you did. It very well may have been the thing that kept you safe enough to live another 17 years after the fact. I hope you learn to forgive yourself for not fighting back. We all have to pick and choose our fights wisely. You deserve to have that forgiveness for yourself.

Thank you for having the courage to post this thread.

Good luck my friend.
Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#317616 - 01/04/10 04:56 PM Re: angry [Re: endlessjourney]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: endlessjourney
It sounds as if you're almost as angry with yourself, as you are with the perps.


Jason, yes, I am angry with myself for the SA. I am working through this. Taking apart the messages and reframing my being is my goal. This has turned my world upside down.

I am shifting the messages from blaming and being angry at myself to whom the blame and anger belongs too.

I am very angry. And shifting the messages via you guys help. The anger is intense - I get all teary eyed one second and very flush the next. I can hardly stand this feeling of being flush. I have eaten. I am not sure what this is besides the anger.

Donnie



Edited by DJsport (01/04/10 05:21 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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