First, I am praying for you, b. beat h. break.
And I am praying for the rest of us, too.
It sounds like you are uncomfortable in Church for a lot of good reasons. I wonder if you can test out a church without going to the worship service.
If you are a part of any support groups or are seeing a therapist, ask the folks you meet through those channels if they know Churches where they feel comfortable, or if there are ministers in these networks. (Even if you don't share your past with that minister, their presence in those circles can indicate an openness...)
If you are angry at God or at the Church, God understands. Don't let anyone pressure you into going where you are not comfortable, or sooner than you would like.
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy