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#3164 - 06/13/05 09:18 PM My story
Maynard Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/11/05
Posts: 49
I am new to this forum, this being my first post, and first and foremost do not want to cause anyone any more harm then they have already gone through. I do not know exactly what triggers people, but if you are extra sensitive you might not want to read this.

Where to start? I have no recollection of ever being molested as a child, but you know when you walk into a house and it smells like chocolate cake, you see an empty box of chocolate cake mix sitting on the tabel, and the oven is on and the chocolate smell is coming from it. You can be pretty sure someone is cooking a chocolate cake. Well that is what it is like with me when it comes to sexual abuse.

When I was young child me and my older sister use to stay at my grandparents quite a bit, although I have no recollection of the actual visits. I remember when me and the rest of my brothers and sister stayed over night their, there are five of us in all, and at night my grandma would take all our clothes and put us all completely naked in one of our granpa's tee shirts. Another memory is waking up in the middle of the night, with my grandma watching us while we slept, and I would look around to see if all my brothers and sisters where in there sleeping bags. I don't remember why I did this or if anyone was ever gone, but am pretty sure that I was checking to see if or who he had been taken. I remember once when they had us all sleep in there bed, when I was probablly about five, and having us watching horrar movies late into the night, and that is the end of that memory. My mom says she remembers asking them why we were all acting so weird the next day and says they said that it must because we watched a scary movie. I remember always being scared of my grandpa and never knowing why as long as I can remember. He used to always call me old blue eyes and had a look on his face as if he had a secret with me and was taken pleasure in that no one was the wiser.

My older sister does remember being sexually abused by grandfather. When she did finally recall it, I believe I was about 14, and my mom said I have something to tell you about your sister and your grandfather. I didn't even bat an eye and ask if it was that she was molested, and of course the answer was yes, I had and have no recollection of her ever being abused. After my sister remebered being molested my mom started looking back on things that seemed strange at the time, but with 20/20 hindsight made perfect sense. One of the things that she recalled was an odd coversation with the neighbor of our lake cabin that we shared with these granparents. She said once he had told her not to ever leave her daughters alone with my grandpa and then added for that matter don't leave your sons with him either. My mom was confused because she had know idea what he had been talking about at the time. Anyways I could go on with a million other "clues" of being molested as a child, but my memory as a child is so spotted.

For the the past few years I have wanted to know that I was molested, simply so I could have compassion for myself. I believe I was abused many times throughout my childhood and the memories are simply reppressed. So for years I have denied it to myself because I just couldn't bring myself to give myself permission for having compassion for myself for something that might never have happened. I fealt that that would be one of the worst things in the world I could do, because I fealt that I would be stealing from all those who were actually molested. Which to me would be one of the worst things I could do since I believe child molestation is obviously one of the worst crimes there is, if not the absolute worst. So the dillema has been for years do I believe I was molested and find some relief in having some compassion for myself, or believe that there is a 99.9% chance that it happened but just not know and continue hating myself.

Anyways, I am 26 years old, and I have been terrified of people my entire life, from my very first memories. I have been locked inside myself crying out with nobody to hear me except myself. I have never had a job because I have always been too terrified to be around that many strangers and have to interact with them. I graduated high school and even tried going to two different universities, but in the end didn't last more then six months at either. I live at home with my mom and have one friend that I still see on occasion. I don't trust anybody and am always scared even when I am by myself. I know I am an intelligent person, but emotionally I feel as if I am a scared two year old. I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, which I think might be a misdiagnosis, and used to do drugs for a good ten years before I quit. I am so ashamed of myself and don't have any self esteem. I mean I live with my mom at the age of 26, have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, and not only don't have a job, but have never have had one. The hardest part is I will not lie knowingly, so if I ever do end up talking ot someone, their is only so far the conversation can go. Nobody, I know understands.

I stumbled across this site a couple days ago and there was an immediate reaction to reading other people's post. For the first time in my life I actually fealt relief followed by a fluctuation in emotions including sadness, for myself and other, and fear of what is lurking in the background of conciousness. Well If anyone has actually read all of this, thank you for listening. This is the first time I have ever told my story.

_________________________
"Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning." Mahatma Gandhi

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#3165 - 06/13/05 09:45 PM Re: My story
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Good work M. I'm glad you found us.

There is hope, you can find peace, you will be heard. It takes time and hard work but you can do it.

Hang in there.


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#3166 - 06/14/05 07:28 PM Re: My story
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I'm so sorry that you needed a place like this, but I'm so glad you found us.

I can relate to a lot of what you said. I was so small when the SA was done to me, all I've got are bits and pieces, too. I react/am triggered by certain smells. Even thinking about the smell shuts me down as I try to type this. It's like I hold my breath, hoping it will pass. Certain faces--a dark-haired, hairy man. The breathing shuts off again. It's as if all the memories are stored in the part of my brain that recorded the sensations during the abuse, but I can't really remember if it happened one time or many times, and sometimes I wonder if I'm just crazy and it never happened at all.

But like you, I'm 99.9% sure. It's that 0.1% that drives me nuts. But the fact is, you're dealing with something, and it's hurting you. So yes, you belong here very much.

Writing my feelings as much as I can over and over have helped me, along with therapy. I crashed at about your age, too, and started looking for help. Now I feel like I almost have a life, I've been able to separate myself from my toxic family, and I'm even on a 6-week break from therapy so I can go on vacation.

It does get better with time. But for now, I'm sorry you're having a rought time. We're here to listen and support you. Let us know how things are going, OK?

Take care of yourself, Maynard. Peace.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#3167 - 06/14/05 08:27 PM Re: My story
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Maynard,

A big welcome to U. Glad u found us here. We are a caring bunch of guys.

I was molested as a very young child also and recall only bits a pieces of it. Like U, I now have 20/20 heinsight (sp) and I finally can but the bits an pieces together and 4 me it is wow, this is why I felt like this, this is why I did or couldn't do this... This little knowledge is powerful to me because know we know and we can begin to discover the new us that has been gone for such a long time.

Keep Posting.

Healing_Inside

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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