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#31619 - 03/22/05 06:02 PM Details, should I tell?
cw Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/31/05
Posts: 21
I posted here back in January, and have posted a few poems. I have other larger issues than the SA right now, but I know that SA is an underlying factor. My W of nearly ten years has just about walked away, and has told me she no longer loves me. She said that it is due to my low sex drive and her lack of satisfaction when we do ML. I told her years ago about my CSA. She did not want to hear about it at that time, and it was shelved. She did not tell me she was dissatisfied, until last week. She never gave me an opportunity to meet her needs because she witheld her satisfaction. In Jan, when she dropped the first bomb, we talked again about CSA. She said that it was a non factor to her because she didn't know any details. I question the honesty of that statement, and think that she witheld her disatisfaction because of my csa.

Last time we talked, I asked if she wanted the details, if she really wanted that picture in her head. I think she already sees me as damaged goods. But I think that picture would seal our fate. She is pressing for a D, but I desperately want to save our marriage.

I am having a hard time with this.
I wonder if the CSA caused my low drive, or if I am low in testosterone, or just screwed up.
I wonder if I should share the details, or keep them burried. My csa was mild in comparison to some of the situations endured by others on this board.
I don't think that if my W knew the details that it would make any difference to her.
I spoke with a Psych, who told me that as an 8 year old boy I was curious, the bastard. My C is more understanding, and I wil pose these questions to him on my next appt.

I want to save my marriage. I want to feel the love I had in my W. Why do I push those I love away? Why do I feel like a passenger in my own life?

What is in this tangled ball of emotion that I call my soul? Where is the map? Why do I even care to unwind myself?


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#31620 - 03/22/05 07:06 PM Re: Details, should I tell?
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
CW,
Damn, you are in a terrible spot. I understand wanting to keep your marriage. It is a stable situation even if the relationship is not at its best. I think talking to a T is a good start. I don't want to assume but it kinda seems like your wife has made a decision. IMO - I think she shut you down when she didn't want you to share about your CSA earlier. That is a big red flag to me. I think that was a big mistake and may have been a signal for you to examine the relationship. I hope I haven't imposed my own prejudices here. I am sure the other guys will have some better perspectives to add. I feel for you and the difficult position in which you find yourself.


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#31621 - 03/22/05 07:31 PM Re: Details, should I tell?
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
CW,

I can understand where you're coming from. I am married to a beautiful woman. A total babe. She gets stares all the time. Way out of my league. Always has been. I of course knew about my SA, but I never told her until she almost walked out on me 5 years ago. I never asked if she wanted to know the details. I got drunk one night and told her the details. She was more supportive than I thought she would be. She was going to leave me for the very same reasons your wife is threatening to leave you. Man, I was in such denial, until I ate Viagra like M&Ms, tired all sorts of stuff, and then realized that sex for me was something "to just do and get it over with."
These feelings were left overs from my days being SA. They are ingrained in me! I also don't like anyone groping me or spontaneously touching me, wife included. This does not make a wife feel secure in her relationship.

Anyway, I have recently revealed some more details of my abuse and we are not having a good time. I think she is at the point that, "Well bud, you have all these issues, and I am truly sorry you have them, but this is not what I bargained for. It's every man and woman for themselves. It's been real."

I know about feeling like damaged goods. I AM damaged goods! But I get so wrapped up in my own issues, until I forget to consider how my issues have affected our marriage. How it affects her. I don't know that at this point my marriage can be saved. But I know I have to do deal with these issues for me. I used to think that was selfish, but how can I be anything for anyone else if I am nothing to myself? I realize now that I love my wife enough to let her go if it comes down to that. She does deserve a life. A life where she can feel loved. I feel so much guilt about not telling her in the beginning, but then how would I have ended up with such a beautiful, loving wife? Selfish bastard!

I feel now that it's her time. If she stays, Thank Almighty God! If not, then she had to do what she had to do. It's every man and woman for themselves.


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#31622 - 03/22/05 09:26 PM Re: Details, should I tell?
Mark R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 28
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA
Good question;

I suffer from low sex drive and went to a doctor. I am taking medication and it is much better now. This may be a lot of medical with some emotional problems too.

_________________________
In others we find strength to face our monster, in helping others we can become the giant that defeats the monsters.

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#31623 - 03/22/05 09:58 PM Re: Details, should I tell?
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I don't think a bad situation can be made worse by adding more communication. I told my wife a little too much when I started blabbing about same-sex attractions, but her knowing what I'd been through has made our relationship stronger in the long-run. And I don't ever bring up the attractions anymore, for obvious reasons. Unfortunately, our SA is part of who we are, who we've become, and part of our struggle to be normal. Someone as close as my wife needs that information. Tell her about the SA. Whether she wants it or not. What have you got to lose?

I can't speak about psychological vs. medical--mine are psychological. My physical works fine as long as I'm doing things wrong. I try to have a proper relationship with someone I love and trust and the whole plan dies. You say she doesn't feel fulfilled. I find that if my wife starts acting like she's enjoying it, all the feelings of being used come rushing back on me. I go from sexy to rag in 12.4 milliseconds. Because of the problems my wife and I have been through, I feel like the minute a relationship depends upon the sex, something has been lost already. My wife and I understand each other's difficulties with sex, because we've talked about it. (She was SA, too.) We work on that aspect of our closeness, but if that was all our relationship was built upon, let's face it, there wouldn't be much.

My therapist said to me one time about my history, "She's a big girl. She can handle it." I've tried to stop hiding my soul from my soul-mate. If your wife is going to leave, let it be for who you really are and what you've been through. Who knows? She may have a secret, too. I hope it doesn't come to that.

I'm sorry your world has blown up around you. It saddens me to know the pain men here have gone through and continue to live. I know the problems of our lives are tough for our spouses to deal with, but I can't imagine how a wife could possibly leave a husband who loves her so much. Same goes for you, Rich. I really hope everything works out for you.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#31624 - 03/23/05 05:30 PM Re: Details, should I tell?
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
CW
IMHO there may be more than the issue of CSA in play here. Peace, A

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#31625 - 03/24/05 09:28 PM Re: Details, should I tell?
cw Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/31/05
Posts: 21
Thanks for the replies. There are other issues at play, as there always will be. My biz failed, we still don't have kids, all things that have caused W to take a long hard look at where we are today. She has been calling a mutual friend 2+ hours a day, and he is leaving his W. She feels spent, and I drove her there. I will share more details while I have the chance. I don't want her to walk away thinking it is something I made up. I don't expect anything from it but catharsis for my mind.

I had my testosterone checked today. No results yet. I would love to have something concrete to blame my probs on, but I am sure it is all in my head. She is very high drive, and sometimes made me feel like that was all she wanted. The grabbiness kept me on edge. The fact that she grabbed the tools before laying out the plan didn't help ease me into the mood.

I suppose if she is going to go through with her plan to leave me, I best be getting some meds. I need to keep my head above water, STS.

+++++
"and in the 'middle of the journey'
of my life,
came upon myself
'in a dark wood'
and laughed + cried + lived + died
and understood nothing"

Ferlinghetti, from 'Back Roads to Far Places'
++++++++


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#31626 - 03/24/05 10:31 PM Re: Details, should I tell?
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
cw,

I can relate to many of your issues. It was the recent discovery that I could not have children that drove me to act out with many inappropriate behaviors for a married man. The hurt and anger brought up all the issues I had burried or postponed becuase my life seemed to me progressing. Thankfully, I cmae here to MS and found many people who relate to my life and all my 1000s of issues. I start therapy next week and hope that will help me to finally address all thses old issues and the new ones related to infertility. With SA, when it rains it poors. It is not enought to be abused. No, the suffering and anguish has to worm its way into everything. I am very glad I made it here. I know that whatever sh*t I bring up, someone else here has expereinced the same thing or worse. It is comforting to know that others know what you are feeling and experiencing. End of sermon.

John


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