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#315664 - 12/22/09 04:44 AM Society doesn't care about men
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
I'm not sure why, this is just something I've thought recently.

Christmas is coming, and that's the time for cute children to do cute things on Tv, pretty disabled children accepting gifts for hospices so that people can feel better about themselves!

appologies if this sounds super synical, but as I have a sister who is extremely disabled and not pretty, yet hasn't recieved any awards or acolades or special presents from the media, ---- it's a bit of an issue.

More than that though, recently i've found myself noticing how little men are cared about.

Any film it's the pretty girls, ---- often teenagers, who must have their feelings protected, their sorrows heard and listened to, must be the poor victims everyone sympathizes with.

The idea that teenaged girls could be abusers, could be as fowl and evil as anyone else, ---- unthinkable! not them!

Then, we come to men! those universally strong people who don't require sympathy, ---- or who are actively villainous, ---- often possible S/ual predators themselves.

I've felt for so long that I've been too old to recieve the sympathy of others, ---- why? do the feelings of men over the age of 21 stop mattering?

yes, in the past and stil in places women have reicved horrible social oppression, but now instead of genda equality, women are supposed to stand up for themselves and be strong, ---- yet are also seen as the beautiful and wonderful princesses who we should all try to protect and care for, ---- like the precious things they are.

It feels as if sexism has actually gone the wrong way, ---- particularly where those poor teenaged girls are concerned.

I'm not sure whether it's just a consequence of my recovery, but whenever there's a big news story about a teenaged girl being raped, and witness upon witness upon witness who say what a horrible crime this is, and how the man responsable should be bought to justice, ---- I find any sympathy I might wish to feel being overwhelmed by a sense of wrongness.

Yes, of course abuse is terrible for anyone of any genda or age, ---- but why do women, ---- particualrly young women get all the sympathy?

I'm really sorry for the wrant, i've just had these feelings several times, and an item on the local radio news bought them to mind.

I'll go and get some coffee and try to stop being unpleasant now.


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#315670 - 12/22/09 07:55 AM Re: Society doesn't care about men [Re: dark empathy]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I have a theory on this, and it basically comes down to power. Women and girls are expected to receive sympathy when abused since they are treated as powerless in the first place and therefore have none to give up. Men or boys, on the other hand, are often scorned when they disclose abuse since it is seen as relinquishing power, which is a direct threat to the commonly held view that men are expected to achieve power and never give it up, no matter what. Funnily enough this is basic feminist theory yet if accepted it would do a world of good for men in this world too. JS



Edited by jls (12/22/09 07:55 AM)
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#315734 - 12/22/09 01:30 PM Re: Society doesn't care about men [Re: jls]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
well, having read and studdied feminism for a long while I'm increasingly of the opinion that sexism runs two ways. For every woman encouraged to be dependent and powerless, --- -there's a man who's afraid to be shy or sensative.

interestingly enough, the women I know who I'd class as strong people in themselves, such as my russian friend, actually have huge sympathy for men like me who are sensative, ---- it's only the angry feminists who do not.

I have every intention of writing on the subject of gender equality when I've finished my phd.

That being said though, it's the general social forces that get on my nerves so much, whether in the media or even in fiction. I admit I'm probably more oversensative to this than most people, as my abusers were that much protected group, ---- teenaged girls, ---- and in fact during the forced physical procedings of my abuse I would actually be accused of abusing them, --- -though that was just part of the sick crowd mentality power games which were going on at the time.

I'm really sorry about this topic, ---- as I said it's just a feeling I've had fairly often recently.


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#315848 - 12/23/09 01:12 AM Re: Society doesn't care about men [Re: dark empathy]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
Yeah, I know. When I have serious flashbacks/nightmares about my rape, there's no one I can turn to. I just deal with it myself.
No choice.


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#315862 - 12/23/09 08:16 AM Re: Society doesn't care about men [Re: LilacLouie]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Lilac Louie - I am sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. It may not mean much but my thoughts are with you and I hope someday there will be a helpful resource avialable to you.

Dark Empathy - No need to apologize for bringing up this topic. I think it is a good one that isn't discussed enough. I wouldn't categorize sexism as running both ways. Rather, I would argue that women and men are equally affected by it in a negative way as people in general. Like you say women aren't allowed to be strong and men aren't allowed to be vulnerable, which is highly unfortunate in my opinion since denying this range of emotions to us as human beings is denying us a part of our personhood. When it comes to feminism I have some insight from being raised by a lesbian feminist mother. She has 3 sons whom she loves dearly so she is certainly is not a man hater. Her concept of feminism is very simple - that men and women, boys and girls should be seen as equals in this world, no more, no less. JS

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#315873 - 12/23/09 09:43 AM Re: Society doesn't care about men [Re: jls]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
I have to agree 100%.

Men rarely get positive support from anyone other than fellow survivors. Anything else and either your a freak or if your abuser was female they cheer you on like it was something good.

Louie, I hear you there. I'm isolated where I live as well. When I struggle, I struggle alone. In one way, I guess you could say it makes me stronger, because I have no choice but to fight alone, but on the other side, it sure would be nice to have someone to turn to.


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#315891 - 12/23/09 11:04 AM Re: Society doesn't care about men [Re: dark empathy]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I don't know that the lack of sympathy for men is so much sexism as it is cultural. In most paternal societies men are supposed to be the leader of each family and any sign that there is a weakness exposes you to those who think a weakness is something to exploit.
Admission of frailty, or sensitivity is seen as a weakness in our culture. Even though logic tells you it is a strength.

So with that in mind it almost never occurs to me, a victim, to think of a man when I am thinking about rape. Women are given the sympathy they are given because of the general knowledge of how devastating rape is and how minimizing that devastation compounds that devastation, not because of their sex. Its only 25-30 years since it became illegal for cops to deny women justice by denying them the right to complain because they "didn't think it really hurt her" or "didn't believe her" or "he was her husband".

I think its a matter of educating people that rape of a human is devastating period. No matter the sex of the victim or perp. And as we all know rape in childhood is even more devastating.



Edited by kidneythis (12/23/09 11:05 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#315950 - 12/23/09 03:41 PM Re: Society doesn't care about men [Re: kidneythis]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: kidneythis

I think its a matter of educating people that rape of a human is devastating period. No matter the sex of the victim or perp. And as we all know rape in childhood is even more devastating.


Oh man, I couldn't agree more. As soon as I saw the topic of this thread, I thought "this is gonna be good"....

In April I was visiting in Toronto, and saw an ad in the subway that really hit home. It was about doemstic abuse and had a Mum and two or three kids at one end of a long couch. At the other end was, ta da! the big bad evil man/Dad who looked angry as hell. The Caption said "No one deserves abuse. Ever" And while that message may in fact be correct, there is no way anyone is going to convince me that the poster addressed anything but spousal, and family abuse perpetrated by a man. Any notion that the man might also have been a victim as well was totally, and utterly lost.

I used this same example in a speech not too long ago. Although I had not included it as part of my>
_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#315969 - 12/23/09 06:02 PM Re: Society doesn't care about men [Re: Geeders]
many_mees Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/09
Posts: 286
Often I am overwhelmed with a sense of doom as a man who has been abused. Not just from my abuse, but the sense that I'm alone in it except for other survivors.

If I dare bring it up even in a "safe" (if there is such a place outside of these cyberwalls) environment, I feel as if I'm viewed as some sort of child stalking monster. 'Quick hide the children! One of "those" is out and about.

So I don't bring it up and am resigned (sadly) to a fate of never getting release from this prison in my mind. It sucks and I hate it and what 'society' thinks or would think about me because of the belief that as a man or boy, I cannot be a sufferer. Nor can I ever be the victim.

After being bullied so much in my life, I've lost hope of ever being rescued. frown

Now as a survivor, I'm being bullied by how society views men. It will never be fair as long as people continue to hold these false beliefs about how men should act or feel. How about how 'human beings' should act or feel without regard to race, color, creed, preference or... sex.

My two cents.


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#315973 - 12/23/09 07:03 PM Re: Society doesn't care about men [Re: many_mees]
Scotty123 Offline


Registered: 12/07/09
Posts: 51
.


Edited by Scotty123 (01/08/13 05:51 AM)

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