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#315083 - 12/18/09 02:37 PM If bi's not an option, then what do I do?
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 150
Loc: Minnesota
Greetings my brothers.

How's everyone doing? I just had a great meeting with my male sexual abuse survivor meeting here in the Twin Cities where I met two others from ms.org. In addition, I had a tough but rewarding session with my therapist as well today.

One question that these forums, my survivor group and therapy session has brought up is regarding my sexuality.

Since I am married and love being hetero, does anyone have some suggestions when I have bi-thoughts that are so strong, they not only impede my heterosexuality but give me a nearly unstoppable desire for some homosexual activity? I'm not totally sure if I really want to have a bi-experience or if it's just the raging sexual imagery that comes up when I talk about my sexual abuse. I sense maybe a little of both.

I've tried looking at pictures, fantasizing and even thinking back to my CSA, which sucks btw and isn't productive.

Thank you for the tips. No, my wife doesn't know fully about my desires nor is ready at the moment, so far as I know, to allow another man into our bedroom though he would have to be bi as well.

Have a great weekend.




Edited by westsidej (12/18/09 03:42 PM)
_________________________
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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#315480 - 12/21/09 07:36 AM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: westsidej]
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 123
Loc: Australia
Hi there Westside,
If I may be so bold as to tell of some steps of my recovery journey. . . .

I worked out a few years ago that I had greater struggles with the desire to act out when (A) I was really stressed - especially with relationship difficulties with my wife (B)I had been processing some difficult CSA issues - especially related to memories and (C) Spending toooooooo long in isolation mode where I avoided all meaningful contact.

As I wanted to remain married (still do, still am after 28 years) I knew that I had to put something in place to keep me safe and not go right off the edge. Instead of rushing out and giving in to the drivenness of acting out, I slowly put in place some delaying tactics "OK, I feel like this now - I always feel like shyte after acting out so I'm going to wait a few days and if I still feel like it by [whenever] then off I'll go"
That made it far easier for me to avoid doing what something inside seemed to be impelling me to do. Especially as I have always - and will always - describe myself as hetero.

Then, a few months ago, I read somewhere about what it is that acting out - especially ss acting out if the csa was perpetrated by a male - is all about. It was explained that the only difference between sex and rape is consent.

One of the defense mechanisms that we seem to try and erect is that of attempting to minimise the previous trauma by placing a retrospective overlay of consent onto the csa. In other words, we try to make the pain of dealing with the effects of csa less by trying to convince ourselves that it was OK because if I was older I could have / would have / should have given consent.

This concept worked for me - I reckon that's what I was trying to do. And since i had found out about it being a self defence strategy, it has become easier for me to switch that self defence mechanism for others, like delaying.

Doing this has meant that i have now gone over 28 months since any form of remotely risky behaviour.

On a separate issue - by far my biggest regret in life is telling my wife that I had been unfaithful to her. That look of pain in her eyes haunts me still - and it has taken years to regain the trust.

These are my thoughts - I'd like it if you could let me know if they fit your experience

ADen

_________________________
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

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#315515 - 12/21/09 12:21 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: expom]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Westside,

My own personal spin...

Going through this...I have always thought a man would be an ideal balance to my situation...

Anywho...I am the only one here that feels this way...(and in my heart of hearts with std's and all)...I am also suspect in feeling this way.

Your CSA sucked and so did mine (I struggle with this one all the time and don't really have an answer to that)...but I have found a partner that fulfills some of those nearly unstoppable desires...

I feel there are several different personal healthy paths...This one...though rarely talked about about here...seems really not all that unique.


Once Bitten Twice Shy (Great White)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#315523 - 12/21/09 01:37 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: 1islandboy]
TIN Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/09/07
Posts: 10
Loc: Frederick MD
I have to agree with expom... I too have used this delay tatic. Is really worth giving up for a few moments.

I have been with my wife for 20 years. The challanges always become when my life manages to be in state of change or chaos that the feelings and the issues become much stronger. This is the hardest time.

I too agree my greatest regret was being unfaithful. Occured early in our marriage, got through it, but I fell off again about 5 years ago...she is sticking by me, but the pain in her eyes can not be forgoten....trust takes a long time to be re-earned...!

At the end of the day, it just isnt worth giving into an impulse.


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#317170 - 12/31/09 03:19 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: TIN]
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 150
Loc: Minnesota
Hi Tin, 1islandboy & expom,

Thank you for the replies. I just had a great therapy session and something has changed inside of me.

I knew this before in pieces but now realize entirely that part of my desire to be sexual w/ a man, besides the CSA, stems from the fact of how much easier it is than w/ women or especially a spouse.

There's nowhere near as much hassle in finding a guy for sex as it is with women, hookers notwithstanding. They're only a craigslist ad, or in some cities, a bathroom hole away. Guys know how to make another guy feel good and where to touch, especially experienced Gay men. My wife still has a hard time pleasuring me.

It takes much more effort to have a strong sex life in an LTR w/ a woman after the New Relationship Energy wears off.

Besides looking at porn, I knew that something was up when I would fight w/ my wife and then think about guys. It all makes sense now.

Already, I feel my desire for a guy diminishing and feel confident that I am going to be able to let the feelings just exist w/out ever acting on them after my last therapy session.

I'm okay w/ the fact that I have had many sexual encounters with men, they will always be a source of arousal for me due to my CSA and that it's something I am ready to leave where it belongs, in the past.

I no longer consider myself bi-sexual, just someone who is a CSA survivor who was confused by the experiences for decades.

Altas just shrugged for me.

Take care and have a very happy New Year and healthy 2010.

Jay

_________________________
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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#317175 - 12/31/09 04:04 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: westsidej]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: westsidej

There's nowhere near as much hassle in finding a guy for sex as it is with women, hookers notwithstanding. They're only a craigslist ad, or in some cities, a bathroom hole away. Guys know how to make another guy feel good and where to touch, especially experienced Gay men. My wife still has a hard time pleasuring me.


I am happy for you J about you finding resolution for your sexuality.

I am a gay man who like you is a survivor and I once was the experienced gay man you speak of above that was on the other side of the hole in the wall. I am so glad to hear this so clearly written.

Our sexuality is our own. Even my male partner is NOT responsible for my pleasure - it is an added feature so to speak or a huge loving connection between people who are in love. This is a grandiose idea but one I hear is the true meaning of a "Sexual" marriage.

I am needing to take deep breaths as this is a huge revelation and the best at providing an "ah huh" moment. I always wondered about the guy on the another side of the wall. I can now let go of more of the shame because I realize I was not a failure for the other guy not being interested in me as a person. He only wanted to get off and get out. Two characters who paths crossed for two totally different purposes with one being ... I hope your wife never sees these words. This gives me pause .....

Have a Happy New Year with your family,

Donnie



Edited by DJsport (12/31/09 05:46 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#317577 - 01/04/10 10:35 AM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: DJsport]
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 150
Loc: Minnesota
Hi Donnie & happy New Year,

Thank you for the note and encouraging words. I still have a long way to go on my path to recovery but I feel really good about finally coming to terms w/ the fact that men turn me on and always will due to my CSA just as much as women do.

That's taken many decades of shame, guilt and lost years to not just accept but be at peace with.

However, if my wife said it was okay to have a bi-encounter once in a while or invite a guy to join us, I don't know what I would say right now. It's so confusing but I think that sometimes I would say no and other times, yes.

The main point being that I am okay w/ either response on my part, something that I couldn't have said even a few months ago.

_________________________
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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#317579 - 01/04/10 11:15 AM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: westsidej]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
j, i'm am going to go ahead and ask something here, and i am only asking because after reading your posts, it don't think this question will threaten your sense of orientation/manhood. this is not to challenge what you believe, but to help me, and perhaps others, to understand.

here goes:

you said:
Quote:
I feel really good about finally coming to terms w/ the fact that men turn me on and always will due to my CSA just as much as women do


my question is this: if you believe your attraction to males to have arisen out of your CSA experiences, then how do you explain your attraction to women, if you had not had prior sexual experiences with them?

the reason i ask is because so many guys think their same sex attraction to be due having been abused, and i am not saying that is not the case. but where does opposite attraction come from?

the reason i raise this question is because i fear the answer sitting between the ears of many people is this: that heterosexuality is natural, and therefore it got derailed somehow. what if this is not the case at all, and we are all born as sexual beings with no definitive criteria for establishing predisposition to one orientation or another. or that one person is perhaps more naturally oriented more towards one end of the spectrum or the the other. and attraction to both is natural for one person and perhaps not for another? what if everything is just what it is, and the idea that expressions of homosexuality as being 'disordered' has been ingrained in us by folks who have the power to legislate such dualist thinking?

why do we look at our homosexual orientation or attraction as a flawed state?

thanks for considering my question,

your recovery pal,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#317606 - 01/04/10 03:43 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: Sans Logos]
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 150
Loc: Minnesota
Ron,

Hi. Thank you for the post. I will answer you off-line not because I am ashamed or feel guilty but due to possible triggers for others.

However, I will admit here that I am not only okay w/ being turned on by men but take great pride in the fact I can pleasure either men or women orally, which is a rare skill indeed.

J

_________________________
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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#317668 - 01/05/10 08:01 AM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: westsidej]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
thanks so much for the candid and non-shaming response!

i always wondered why people would say their desire for intimacy with men was a result of csa, but not that their desire for intimacy with women was a result of early childhood experimentation with females. i guess raising such a question in the first place exhibits a belief that there is something 'wrong' with homosexuality, and not with heterosexuality. i'm not sure why people have to assign blame for one; heterosexuality is championed in many people's minds as the state par excellence for any male's aspiration. most likely, this is because of internalized homophobia, due to castigation of homosexuals by right wing ideologies in both the religious and political realm, fleecing the culture with their brand of righteous living. though not so much now these days....this is waning, but for many of the guys who grew up in less tolerant decades when such beliefs became enshrined in moral legislature, we still bear the results of such imprinting, and spend a lot of time untying those k[not]s.

i had a few early female experiences, and i have to say i find breasts fascinating, but beyond that,i supposed that if i had to assign a percentage value to my own orientation scale, i would be 10% hetero and 90% homo. i just don't look at women and say, boy i wonder what it would be like to get naked with her? but i do that with men a lot, however.

i hope people continue to post so affirmatively about their bisexuality. i'm not sure exactly why some guys find non-shaming discussion of bisexuality so threatening. but at any rate, if they don't see healthy and affirming discussions taking place on the public discussion boards, they may never be open to debunking the long held myths around the topic of sexuality.

and isn't this why this organization is here for us? overcoming the sexual victimization of men and boys? not merely the experiences themselves, but what their legacy has instilled in our minds about the nature of sexual acts as being shameful. this organization offers us a place of neutrality where we can learn instead to celebrate the sexual dimension as the beautiful gift of joy that it is.

thanks again for the topic smile

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#317736 - 01/05/10 07:05 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: Sans Logos]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Originally Posted By: Sans Logos
i hope people continue to post so affirmatively about their bisexuality

Well said Ron!


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#318097 - 01/07/10 06:27 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: M3]
many_mees Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/09
Posts: 286
Then allow me to be next.

I came to MS as a result of a Google search about Bisexuality vs Homosexuality; a sexual identity issue if you will.

As long as I can remember, I have desired the company of a man over that of a woman, though now I enjoy a monogamous relationship with my wife of 26 yrs. In some ways, I can be considered fortunate in that I outted myself to my wife while we were courting and have been spared the loss of trust that my wife and I have built with each other.

I Have had lots of encounters from both sexes and I guess I can say that I am truly 'bisexual'. But I still struggle with the bisexuality in that I still have the desire for a 'fling'. I just know that I cannot at this time of my life so I therefore, 'delay' it. That has been my strategy and it has worked for me.

Recently in a conversation with 1Ilandboy, we were chatting about intimacy; that thing that seems to have waned over the years, and it occurred to me thats what I really desire is an intimate relationship! Hello! I have one! Now with new resolve to make our marriage more intimate, those desires are passing by.

So, how do I deal with my bisexuality. its simple, really. i call myself a bisexual male in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. I wear the label of being 'Bi' proudly and the label of being st8 even more proudly. I have been blessed.

The desires are still there and they will remain there. I just 'choose' not to act on them.

hope this sheds some light in love, brothers.


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#318102 - 01/07/10 06:42 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: many_mees]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
I think that is a really important point Sam. Just because you are Bi does not mean you are activing having sex with men and women. You are honoring your relationship and that is admirable. Whether that relationship is with a man or woman, you are setting an example.

I know if I was dating someone who was Bi I would always have the insecurity that I was never enough - that my partner was always looking for more, what I don't have. By putting the intimacy of the relationship ahead of sex, you are showing that relationships can be healthy and happy.

But honestly, I wonder if it is really that different for guys who are straight or gay. Guys in general are very visual and sexual beings. Gay guys look at other guys, straight guys look at other women, and bi guys will look at other guys/gals too. Yes there is sexual desires for others than your partner/spouse no matter how the man classifies himself. I've always wonder if Bi guys use that as an excuse to do the same things straight or gay men may have thoughts of doing - be unfaithful to their partner. But because their spouse/partner doesn't have the parts to fulfill those desires, being Bi, in a way, makes it more OK for them to be unfaithful.

I think it is great that you guys are showing that you can be faithful and even open about your bisexuality with your spouse or partner. Kudos!

Michael


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#318967 - 01/15/10 08:49 AM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: M3]
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 150
Loc: Minnesota
Hi Guys,

Thank you all so much for the advice.

I'm starting to become more comfortable and open in saying that I am bisexual

I denied for so long that I enjoyed my adult male encounters out of guilt and shame for both the CSA and for enjoying being w/ a man.

My last few therapy sessions have really helped me in getting to this point but there's still a long way to go and please forgive me if I waver back and forth as I seek out my path as a married csa survivor.

I think that Sam said it perfectly for me and I agree w/ him completely.

So, how do I deal with my bisexuality. its simple, really. i call myself a bisexual male in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. I wear the label of being 'Bi' proudly and the label of being st8 even more proudly. I have been blessed.

Take care everyone and have a great weekend.

_________________________
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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#319015 - 01/15/10 03:52 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: westsidej]
GentleSoul Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 236
Loc: Manhattan
Very interesting points and perspectives. It got me to thinking what those 'desires' are really about. Someone unabashedly told me that the reason why I was trying to hook up online was because my emotional needs weren't being met by my partner at home. Although rude and presumptious, there was some truth and logic in what he was saying. Perhaps what we 'desire' is a longing or need for affection or emotional connection. I'm learning that making connections with other human beings is integral to not only sobriety, but recovery as well. However, our trust and intimacy issues probably make it difficult, if not impossible, for some of us to even connect at all. For me, it's easier and safer to hook up (no chit-chat, no formalities or exchange of names) with some anonymous person - but that really isn't connecting at all and I'm sure you all know that the feelings the follow are empty and meaningless. This kinda sounds like I'm hijacking this thread but I'm just posing a possibility that what if we really analyze what those 'desires' really are? A person who medicates with food doesn't eat because he's hungry. An alcoholic doesn't drink because he's thirsty. Do we do what we do because we're horny? Could it be that we're confusing what we want with what we really need? What if that 'desire' is merely our endless, everlasting search for attention, validation, or affection that we all so deserved and needed during and after our abuse? What if all we're looking for is a hug of all hugs, a shoulder to cry on, a kiss to make the hurt go away or someone to tell us that everything is going to be okay?

just thoughts,
Jay

_________________________
I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.

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#319038 - 01/15/10 09:59 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: GentleSoul]
many_mees Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/09
Posts: 286
BINGO! Jay.


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#319062 - 01/16/10 07:07 AM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: GentleSoul]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
What if that 'desire' is merely our endless, everlasting search for attention, validation, or affection that we ... needed during and after our abuse?


i think there is a tendency to overlook the BEFORE part. i know for myself that in my particular situation my own needs set for healthy attachment thru emotional and psychological nurture and validation never got wired, and that left me 'looking for love in all the wrong places'. thus, the fulfillment of the missing link 'during and after our abuse', and why i was vulnerable to the abuse in the first place, yes, and even welcomed it. it filled so much of deep hole in me.

for me, there was a lot to be learned about the genesis of my compulsive patterns of behavior by looking into the pre-abuse history as well as well as the post abuse period.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#319071 - 01/16/10 09:22 AM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: Sans Logos]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
I must say Jay, and you too Jay... (LOL)

You both really seem to have made some great realizations. I'm really happy for you both! These types of mental leaps kick the doors open for more healing.

YAY for you guys!!! smile laugh smile laugh

Peace and love...

Michael


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#319159 - 01/17/10 09:15 AM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: M3]
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 150
Loc: Minnesota
Quote:
However, our trust and intimacy issues probably make it difficult, if not impossible, for some of us to even connect at all. For me, it's easier and safer to hook up (no chit-chat, no formalities or exchange of names) with some anonymous person - but that really isn't connecting at all and I'm sure you all know that the feelings the follow are empty and meaningless. This kinda sounds like I'm hijacking this thread but I'm just posing a possibility that what if we really analyze what those 'desires' really are? Jay


My brother Jay, (Also Ron & Michael),

Thank you all so much for the positive affirming replies and no, Jay, I don't believe you hijacked this post at all. Heck, I didn't even see a box cutter, shoe bomb or bulging boxerswink

You just added another dimension to the discussion. That's why I posted it and that's why I am here. I don't know about any of you, but I cry sometimes just thinking about how thankful I am that I did a search for survivor resources after my first visit to a local male survivor group here in Minneapolis. Thank God I found you guys!!!!!!!!!

Jay, you summarized my feelings superbly. While I enjoyed my male nsa encounters very much, they did leave me feeling guilty (shocked, no?), empty, vapid. Sort of like Paris Hilton?

Even my hetero relationships were destroyed because of my lack of trust (I actually hid things in bags in closets), inability to be intimate out of the bedroom (I could always have sex until the CSA came flooding back), lack of friends and the neglect/abuse I endured on top of the CSA.

Ron, you also made a great point in that the abuse filled a void. Someone cared about me and paid attention to me. I grew to not only enjoy the CSA but crave and desire it when he went away for awhile.

So, to bring the topic full circle, my marriage is doing much better since therapy started just over a year ago. Our sex life is starting to return to normalcy and she knows about my homosexual desires as well.

Back to Jay's point, if we get to the point where both I want to act on my homosexuality and my wife's okay having a bi-male or better yet a couple w/ a bi-husband, I want it to mean something and not just be a NSA hook-up for us. Something like a polyamorous triad/quad where all of us are committed in some way.

Otherwise, it will just be another empty NSA where not just me but my wife feels like just a sex tool as well. However, we are definitely not at that point yet.

I'm just happy that we having sex, being more intimate and most importantly, I can trust her w/ all of my past, not just some.

Take care my brothers and have a great time watching the games this weekend. Jay, are you a big Chargers fan?

Jay

_________________________
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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#319240 - 01/18/10 01:19 AM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: westsidej]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: westsidej


Back to Jay's point, if we get to the point where both I want to act on my homosexuality and my wife's okay having a bi-male or better yet a couple w/ a bi-husband, I want it to mean something and not just be a NSA hook-up for us. Something like a polyamorous triad/quad where all of us are committed in some way.


You can never go back. Play with others is risky for any relationship. This is like playing Russian Roulette.

I am not elegant in my speech and brief.

Playing with the sex stuff as we were kids is harmful.

You might think this stuff is funny but, I have been "married" to a man and a woman and it got ugly afterwards.



Edited by DJsport (01/18/10 01:24 AM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#320750 - 01/30/10 06:06 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: Sans Logos]
Aberrant30 Offline


Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...
I agree with Ron,= I would say more but I am kind of upset. Being gay didn't make bieng abused easier.

_________________________
"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

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#322662 - 02/19/10 05:49 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: Aberrant30]
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 150
Loc: Minnesota
Hi everyone.

I just wanted to thank everyone again for all of your advice, support and sharing.

My wife & I are still working on our marriage but it looks better than it has basically since we first started dating.

I am still not sure where I stand in terms of my bisexuality except in the fact that I am okay with saying that both girls/guys turn me on.

If sometime in the future, my wife wants to try a MFM w/ a bi-male, that would be ideal but short of that, I will just accept that I can't act on any of my homosexual desires since I am in a monogamous heterosexual marriage.

Take care and have a great weekend.

Jay

_________________________
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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#322674 - 02/19/10 07:29 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: westsidej]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
yes jay and thank you. when you married and promised fidelity to your wife, you had made your choice to rule out all other options. not just all other options with boobs and a vagina, nor options with a penis. it does not matter what their gender is. they've been ruled out, period. to my way of understanding, that's all that's important. who cares anyway, and why? a covenant, though often proclaimed in a public setting, is a very private and personal thing, and should not be scrutinized or judged by anyone. those who judge are the ones with the 'problem'. they need to learn to mind their own business and stop acting as if their own lives are beyond reproach.

just some more of my personal thoughts on the subject.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#322682 - 02/19/10 09:19 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: Sans Logos]
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 150
Loc: Minnesota
Ron,

Hi. Thanks for the thoughts. That's very true. I would be in so much trouble whether I broke our vows by having sex w/ another man or woman not to mention deeply ashamed of myself.

I have enough guilt in my life as a csa survivor. I don't need to exacerbate it by screwing around w/ another guy or girl.

The only time it would have been okay was the few times we separated in the past by her request, even though it was because I hadn't addressed my csa and its effect on my life and psyche.

Take care and have a great weekend.

Jay

_________________________
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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