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#317736 - 01/05/10 07:05 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: Sans Logos]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Originally Posted By: Sans Logos
i hope people continue to post so affirmatively about their bisexuality

Well said Ron!


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#318097 - 01/07/10 06:27 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: M3]
many_mees Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/09
Posts: 286
Then allow me to be next.

I came to MS as a result of a Google search about Bisexuality vs Homosexuality; a sexual identity issue if you will.

As long as I can remember, I have desired the company of a man over that of a woman, though now I enjoy a monogamous relationship with my wife of 26 yrs. In some ways, I can be considered fortunate in that I outted myself to my wife while we were courting and have been spared the loss of trust that my wife and I have built with each other.

I Have had lots of encounters from both sexes and I guess I can say that I am truly 'bisexual'. But I still struggle with the bisexuality in that I still have the desire for a 'fling'. I just know that I cannot at this time of my life so I therefore, 'delay' it. That has been my strategy and it has worked for me.

Recently in a conversation with 1Ilandboy, we were chatting about intimacy; that thing that seems to have waned over the years, and it occurred to me thats what I really desire is an intimate relationship! Hello! I have one! Now with new resolve to make our marriage more intimate, those desires are passing by.

So, how do I deal with my bisexuality. its simple, really. i call myself a bisexual male in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. I wear the label of being 'Bi' proudly and the label of being st8 even more proudly. I have been blessed.

The desires are still there and they will remain there. I just 'choose' not to act on them.

hope this sheds some light in love, brothers.


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#318102 - 01/07/10 06:42 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: many_mees]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
I think that is a really important point Sam. Just because you are Bi does not mean you are activing having sex with men and women. You are honoring your relationship and that is admirable. Whether that relationship is with a man or woman, you are setting an example.

I know if I was dating someone who was Bi I would always have the insecurity that I was never enough - that my partner was always looking for more, what I don't have. By putting the intimacy of the relationship ahead of sex, you are showing that relationships can be healthy and happy.

But honestly, I wonder if it is really that different for guys who are straight or gay. Guys in general are very visual and sexual beings. Gay guys look at other guys, straight guys look at other women, and bi guys will look at other guys/gals too. Yes there is sexual desires for others than your partner/spouse no matter how the man classifies himself. I've always wonder if Bi guys use that as an excuse to do the same things straight or gay men may have thoughts of doing - be unfaithful to their partner. But because their spouse/partner doesn't have the parts to fulfill those desires, being Bi, in a way, makes it more OK for them to be unfaithful.

I think it is great that you guys are showing that you can be faithful and even open about your bisexuality with your spouse or partner. Kudos!

Michael


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#318967 - 01/15/10 08:49 AM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: M3]
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 150
Loc: Minnesota
Hi Guys,

Thank you all so much for the advice.

I'm starting to become more comfortable and open in saying that I am bisexual

I denied for so long that I enjoyed my adult male encounters out of guilt and shame for both the CSA and for enjoying being w/ a man.

My last few therapy sessions have really helped me in getting to this point but there's still a long way to go and please forgive me if I waver back and forth as I seek out my path as a married csa survivor.

I think that Sam said it perfectly for me and I agree w/ him completely.

So, how do I deal with my bisexuality. its simple, really. i call myself a bisexual male in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. I wear the label of being 'Bi' proudly and the label of being st8 even more proudly. I have been blessed.

Take care everyone and have a great weekend.

_________________________
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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#319015 - 01/15/10 03:52 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: westsidej]
GentleSoul Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 236
Loc: Manhattan
Very interesting points and perspectives. It got me to thinking what those 'desires' are really about. Someone unabashedly told me that the reason why I was trying to hook up online was because my emotional needs weren't being met by my partner at home. Although rude and presumptious, there was some truth and logic in what he was saying. Perhaps what we 'desire' is a longing or need for affection or emotional connection. I'm learning that making connections with other human beings is integral to not only sobriety, but recovery as well. However, our trust and intimacy issues probably make it difficult, if not impossible, for some of us to even connect at all. For me, it's easier and safer to hook up (no chit-chat, no formalities or exchange of names) with some anonymous person - but that really isn't connecting at all and I'm sure you all know that the feelings the follow are empty and meaningless. This kinda sounds like I'm hijacking this thread but I'm just posing a possibility that what if we really analyze what those 'desires' really are? A person who medicates with food doesn't eat because he's hungry. An alcoholic doesn't drink because he's thirsty. Do we do what we do because we're horny? Could it be that we're confusing what we want with what we really need? What if that 'desire' is merely our endless, everlasting search for attention, validation, or affection that we all so deserved and needed during and after our abuse? What if all we're looking for is a hug of all hugs, a shoulder to cry on, a kiss to make the hurt go away or someone to tell us that everything is going to be okay?

just thoughts,
Jay

_________________________
I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.

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#319038 - 01/15/10 09:59 PM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: GentleSoul]
many_mees Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/09
Posts: 286
BINGO! Jay.


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#319062 - 01/16/10 07:07 AM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: GentleSoul]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
What if that 'desire' is merely our endless, everlasting search for attention, validation, or affection that we ... needed during and after our abuse?


i think there is a tendency to overlook the BEFORE part. i know for myself that in my particular situation my own needs set for healthy attachment thru emotional and psychological nurture and validation never got wired, and that left me 'looking for love in all the wrong places'. thus, the fulfillment of the missing link 'during and after our abuse', and why i was vulnerable to the abuse in the first place, yes, and even welcomed it. it filled so much of deep hole in me.

for me, there was a lot to be learned about the genesis of my compulsive patterns of behavior by looking into the pre-abuse history as well as well as the post abuse period.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#319071 - 01/16/10 09:22 AM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: Sans Logos]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
I must say Jay, and you too Jay... (LOL)

You both really seem to have made some great realizations. I'm really happy for you both! These types of mental leaps kick the doors open for more healing.

YAY for you guys!!! smile laugh smile laugh

Peace and love...

Michael


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#319159 - 01/17/10 09:15 AM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: M3]
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 150
Loc: Minnesota
Quote:
However, our trust and intimacy issues probably make it difficult, if not impossible, for some of us to even connect at all. For me, it's easier and safer to hook up (no chit-chat, no formalities or exchange of names) with some anonymous person - but that really isn't connecting at all and I'm sure you all know that the feelings the follow are empty and meaningless. This kinda sounds like I'm hijacking this thread but I'm just posing a possibility that what if we really analyze what those 'desires' really are? Jay


My brother Jay, (Also Ron & Michael),

Thank you all so much for the positive affirming replies and no, Jay, I don't believe you hijacked this post at all. Heck, I didn't even see a box cutter, shoe bomb or bulging boxerswink

You just added another dimension to the discussion. That's why I posted it and that's why I am here. I don't know about any of you, but I cry sometimes just thinking about how thankful I am that I did a search for survivor resources after my first visit to a local male survivor group here in Minneapolis. Thank God I found you guys!!!!!!!!!

Jay, you summarized my feelings superbly. While I enjoyed my male nsa encounters very much, they did leave me feeling guilty (shocked, no?), empty, vapid. Sort of like Paris Hilton?

Even my hetero relationships were destroyed because of my lack of trust (I actually hid things in bags in closets), inability to be intimate out of the bedroom (I could always have sex until the CSA came flooding back), lack of friends and the neglect/abuse I endured on top of the CSA.

Ron, you also made a great point in that the abuse filled a void. Someone cared about me and paid attention to me. I grew to not only enjoy the CSA but crave and desire it when he went away for awhile.

So, to bring the topic full circle, my marriage is doing much better since therapy started just over a year ago. Our sex life is starting to return to normalcy and she knows about my homosexual desires as well.

Back to Jay's point, if we get to the point where both I want to act on my homosexuality and my wife's okay having a bi-male or better yet a couple w/ a bi-husband, I want it to mean something and not just be a NSA hook-up for us. Something like a polyamorous triad/quad where all of us are committed in some way.

Otherwise, it will just be another empty NSA where not just me but my wife feels like just a sex tool as well. However, we are definitely not at that point yet.

I'm just happy that we having sex, being more intimate and most importantly, I can trust her w/ all of my past, not just some.

Take care my brothers and have a great time watching the games this weekend. Jay, are you a big Chargers fan?

Jay

_________________________
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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#319240 - 01/18/10 01:19 AM Re: If bi's not an option, then what do I do? [Re: westsidej]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: westsidej


Back to Jay's point, if we get to the point where both I want to act on my homosexuality and my wife's okay having a bi-male or better yet a couple w/ a bi-husband, I want it to mean something and not just be a NSA hook-up for us. Something like a polyamorous triad/quad where all of us are committed in some way.


You can never go back. Play with others is risky for any relationship. This is like playing Russian Roulette.

I am not elegant in my speech and brief.

Playing with the sex stuff as we were kids is harmful.

You might think this stuff is funny but, I have been "married" to a man and a woman and it got ugly afterwards.



Edited by DJsport (01/18/10 01:24 AM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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