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#314866 - 12/17/09 05:01 AM Perp stuck in my mouth...
b869 Offline


Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 767
Loc: Philippines
It started sometime May. After what my perp did to me... His taste just kinda remained on my fucking mouth. It lasted for days... I couldn't eat or sleep.. After a while the taste just went a way and I thought that would never happen agian...

3 weeks later the taste started coming back... I just can't take it... It keeps coming back... I can't eat I can't sleep.. I can't really do much when this happens...

I wish I can get rid of it...

_________________________

When thing get complicated go back to simplicity

Harvey Fierstein
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

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#314883 - 12/17/09 08:44 AM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: b869]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
(((((Marvin)))))


This kind of memory flashback or whatever it's called is really tough I know. I don't have any great tricks for getting rid of something like this, just compassion and understanding. Maybe knowing you're not the only one helps a bit too.

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#314885 - 12/17/09 08:47 AM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: sono]
b869 Offline


Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 767
Loc: Philippines
Thanks sono

_________________________

When thing get complicated go back to simplicity

Harvey Fierstein
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

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#314893 - 12/17/09 09:55 AM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: b869]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Chewing gum helped me through that when I was in high school and some years later. Just a thought.


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#314896 - 12/17/09 10:18 AM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: Freedom49]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Chewing gum never helped me because sometimes the taste isn't even there for real, so sweets or anything that I like never take it away for me. What does help sometimes is something very bitter, like tonic water.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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#314897 - 12/17/09 10:27 AM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: user2007]
b869 Offline


Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 767
Loc: Philippines
I tried chewing gum didn't work for me. I tried eating or drinking almost every thing bitter. I haven't tried tonic water thou, it might help.... thanks

_________________________

When thing get complicated go back to simplicity

Harvey Fierstein
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

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#314930 - 12/17/09 06:02 PM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: b869]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
I have been seeing a survivor with a similar memory. He hadn't really talked about it with anyone. We talked about it in a session and although it was pretty painful, a lot of tears, he finally was able to describe what happened. That was a couple of months ago and since then, he says he no longer has the memory and taste.

Just a suggestion from someone who was able to get rid of it.


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#314949 - 12/17/09 08:27 PM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Riley Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 597
Loc: USA
Sometimes chewing on something hard. Pen caps, hard rubber, something like that. I find it only works sometimes. But I do know how you feel.


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#314951 - 12/17/09 08:30 PM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: Riley]
b869 Offline


Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 767
Loc: Philippines
Yeah I do that, Its kinda been a habit of mine really to chew on pen caps and hard rubber. Yeah It does help but only for a while.

_________________________

When thing get complicated go back to simplicity

Harvey Fierstein
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

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#314965 - 12/17/09 09:12 PM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: b869]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
I have the exact same thing..... sorta
***possible trigger***.....***Graphic Trigger Warning***

I have nightmares and once specifically is a mix between a dream and a flash- back/memory where he cums in my mouth and down my throat and I immediately wake up and feel extremely nauseous still tasting it and feeling like its there. I used to throw up the first couple of times it happened but I don't get sick anymore (thank god) from that one.
I was really worried at the WOR that I attended because I was scared that I would vomit on the bed there like i would do at home, so I went to the 'safe room' with one of the counselors and told Him of my worry about having that nightmare and getting sick and messing everything up and then making everyone angry with me (I still can't believe I was able to talk face to face to someone about it).
After I spoke/cried to him, he reassured me and told me some helpful stuff and why i was feeling the way I was at that time and that I was normal and that I was doing Ok. Like Ken said above, after I had spoken about it (without leaving out the details), the problem almost went away fully!!!
What I just shared was private and I did not think that I was ever going to share that here although, I did hint at it in another post.
I hope that someone finds it helpful...... At least they will know that they aren't alone at all with this symptom(?)/problem.

I found that strong grounding techniques very helpful like holding ice cubes in my hands and (this may not be so orthodox especially with guys that have self injury problems) pushing a Thumb Tack against the tip of one of my fingers.
Both of those grounding tactics worked well for me.

Take care and hope you resolve this soon,
Logan



Edited by Logan (12/17/09 09:21 PM)
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#314966 - 12/17/09 09:18 PM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: Logan]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
Oh, another thing.
Would my experience and that of others experiencing this be considered a "Body Memory?"
I am a little bit unsure of what the definition of a body memory is?
I mean I have had Phantom pains where there is nothing physically wrong to cause it, it is psychosomatic, but I don't know if this is considered one.
Sorry to have strayed off away from the main topic- I will try not to do that.

Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#314967 - 12/17/09 09:19 PM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: b869]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
Not the same thing, but I used to feel the person next to my skin and it would really get to me. Not sure if it is what cured it, but it seemed to go away after having done a little EMDR work. I still get some body trauma stuff but not as intense where I actually can feel this person "on" me. My drinking habits have changed for the better as well and I think part of the body trauma was triggered during the withdrawal process. One thing EMDR did do was bring back some memories of other sexual stuff that happened (more related to what you are talking about here) and it was pretty intense and "real" for a short bit but that has mostly passed and wasn't the core trauma (but does upset me if I really think about it). Anyway, I hope being able to talk about it helps.

Eric


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#315121 - 12/18/09 10:42 PM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: ericc]
b869 Offline


Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 767
Loc: Philippines
It's been 5 days....

I haven't eaten much because of it.... its still there....

_________________________

When thing get complicated go back to simplicity

Harvey Fierstein
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

Top
#326433 - 03/28/10 09:39 AM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: b869]
tomc Offline


Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 22
during my adolescence i had his taste in my mouth constantly. really sour candy worked for me.


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#326497 - 03/28/10 08:52 PM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: tomc]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1341
Hi All,

I deal with this issue, too.

I haven't spoken to my therapist about it yet.

Anytime I think of approaching it, I have to choke back the vomit. (Not a mess I want to make in my therapist's office.)

When these memories/ sensations/ tastes awaken me (or come to me when I'm already awake) I do vomit.

I am sorry to hear that others have to deal with this, but it is good to hear that there are some who have finally rid themselves of this horror.

B869, thank you for being so brave to discuss this.

I hope you find some relief soon.


Be kind and gentle with yourself.



Anomalous

_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#326899 - 03/31/10 11:47 PM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: Logan]
G5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 203
Loc: New Jersey
Taste isnt there for me. But smells, sounds, touch, are all Very present with me.
My reaction to what I was asked to do to the abuser is a tight jaw, tight throat, grinding teeth, and a slight gag reflex when I get flashbacks.

Which seem to be happening more often now....as I am more willing to discuss my abuse and listen to others about theirs.

I had a real intense 'memory' during a session recently when my T asked if I had any other flashback items.....and at that instant, I could feel a hand on the back of my head pushing me down......It was increadibly real and I had a little panic attack, but she helped me back out of that......and I said 'let's not go there again'.....at least not until I'm ready.

As we are willing to discuss this stuff, and the more we do talk about it, I find that my memories are more constant and more 'real' But I do feel a sense of relief as I let the secrets go. The abuser is losing power....;-)

So I can totally understand your taste flashback. As Logan mentioned, some grounding tecniques can be very helpful, and allow you to get through these types of situations.

B-well,

Chris

_________________________
WoR Kirkridge '08
WoR Alta Advanced '09
International Conference '10, '12
Oprah 200
PA Support Group
WoR Alta Advanced '12
"Silence Buster"

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#326920 - 04/01/10 02:23 AM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: b869]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Marvin I just want to give you a safe hug.

(((((((((Marvin)))))))))


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#326981 - 04/01/10 05:21 PM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: Charlie24]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
Possible Trigger



I spoke to my T today about this.

I was trying to convey that I had this problem without directly talking about it.
I said "sometime I have these phantom pains..... in my body, but nothing is happening to me at the time." and says with out any hesitation what so ever "of being Raped?" and I just nod my head "yes." And I also told him that I get sensations that aren't real.I told him that my dad is wondering why I spit all the time when we walk the dog together at night. I said "I get this feeling thats there something in my mouth, and I can't get rid of it." Again he says without hesitation "of sperm?" and again I nod my head "yes" and simultaneously feel a tremendous burst of shame come over me as I fidget in the chair in his office.

For some reason I noticed that when talking about this stuff, I speak as if I am younger than I really am. I told him about this and he said that's it's normal to regress when discuss traumatic things.

Thats pretty much all that we accomplished today.



I am getting sick of dealing with all of this sh*t. You'd think it would be easier to talk about, but I still feel so much shame about it!
sorry for complaining.

Anyway, I thought that I would let you guys know of the progress.

Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#326983 - 04/01/10 05:27 PM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: Logan]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
I have a question.

I had dealt with this, or at least I thought I had thoroughly dealt with this specific topic and then it went away for some time only to reappear again and I start to have symptoms all over again.

My question is why the hell do these things come back or keep coming back? Do they ever stay away and at rest? I don't understand why I keep experiencing things that I thought that I had cover/ dealt with

Logan



Edited by Logan (04/01/10 05:28 PM)
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#326988 - 04/01/10 05:56 PM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: Logan]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
Hey B869,

First thing man - I'm sorry you are going through this - I know how difficult it is to feel like the abuse is still present and current. You are definitely not alone and hopefully that gives you some relief that you aren't the only person to struggle with this - in some small way I hope that helps to know you arent fighting this demon alone and that others struggle yet survive.

Second - thank you so much for your courage to create this thread - it's so personal and so disprutive and shaming and all but you spoke out - you took a step to address this part of your recovery with us.

I think there's already some great suggestions - one more I'd offer is aromatherapy. Basically getting "smelling oils" to help your body/mind to become grounded or focused on something else. While there are plenty of companies that offer oils (I use one called Essential Oils or Living Essential Oils or something like that). You can also try stuff on your own - go to any grocery store, go to the seasoning aisle and look for vanilla oil or something like a nature store and get pine oil. I know it sounds stupid but you'd be surprised how the body/mind responds to strong scents unrelated to your abuse as distractors.

TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER As for other posts in this thread [TRIGGER] - I relate to body memories of being held down where I very literally feel someone squeezing my forearms, waking up at night gagging and trying to cough it up and body memories of being raped. I've had the feelings off and on for several years and I use ice cubes, aromatherapy, meditation, shaking my arms and body or sometimes just a walk outside to escape the experience.

Hang in there B

_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#326989 - 04/01/10 06:01 PM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: Riley]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: Riley
Sometimes chewing on something hard. Pen caps, hard rubber, something like that. I find it only works sometimes. But I do know how you feel.


I am definitely a pen cap chewer

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#326993 - 04/01/10 06:42 PM Re: Perp stuck in my mouth... [Re: Logan]
Anarion Cti Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/09
Posts: 157
Loc: Eastern US
Marvin, Logan, Surviving Guy,
I'm so sorry to hear about how you guys are suffering. I know the body memories I have had were bad enough, I can't imagine how much worse it would be to have the symptoms that you are describing. I would like to thank you sincerely for the incredible courage and bravery you are showing by talking frankly and openly about this. You are helping the rest of us, and me specifically, to speak up, just by your example. It is indeed a comfort to know that the rest of us, like myself, are not alone or weird, but that other survivors with similar experiences have been affected in the exact same way we have. I believe we can defeat this thing and overcome it, with time, talk, and support. Please keep up the good work, and keep talking/writing it out. I'm here for you if you need me. Just send a PM.
Hanging in there with you,
Anarion

_________________________
"Thou, O Lord, are the shield about me;
You're my helper,
You're the one who lifts up my head."
"Whom have I in heaven or earth but You?"

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