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#31348 - 03/22/05 04:33 AM can't forgive
JERRYLSAN Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Indiana
MY DOCTOR TELLS ME I NEED TO FORGIVE MY UNCLE BUT I HATE HIM. I DON'T WANT TO FORGIVE HIM. I KNOW IT'S NOT HEALTHY BUT I CAN'T HELP IT. HE ALSO WANTS ME TO TELL MY MOM ,WHO DOESNT KNOW. I'VE TOLD THE REST OF MY FAMILY. IT WAS MY DAD'S BROTHER WHO DID THIS, AND MY DAD DIED WITHOUT KNOWING. I'AM CONFUSED AND FEEL LIKE NOTHING IS HELPING.


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#31349 - 03/22/05 04:38 AM Re: can't forgive
lostone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/05
Posts: 14
Well I think putting your font in lower case and upper case might help a little bit....sorry.

Talking helps, I don't know if you're at that stage yet. Writing helps me a lot, and you can post things you write on this forum, you can rant and rave in the Umoderated part. It's lots of fun cos you get it out of your system. Running/exercising may help, reading, I don't know, immersing yourself in anything to take youre mind off of it is what I do. At first it seems like it won't help, but after while it does.

Did any of that make sense? I don't know how good I am at giving advice, but it will get better.


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#31350 - 03/22/05 05:07 AM Re: can't forgive
Mark R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 28
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA
I stopped hating a long time ago - it took too much energy with no results. That doesn't mean I have to forgive or forget. I just quit consuming myself with the anger. My father-in-law said that anger and revenge is a posion we swallow in the hope that it will kill the other person. Good luck.

_________________________
In others we find strength to face our monster, in helping others we can become the giant that defeats the monsters.

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#31351 - 03/22/05 05:32 AM Re: can't forgive
Whicker Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
Jerry,

Posting in all 'Caps' is tantamount to yelling/screaming. This may have been your intent, but I cannot say that anyone here needs the volume 'upped' to hear you.

I do not believe that forgiveness is required to healing.

I may be wrong.

I wish you well in your Path of Healing.

This is a great place to share thoughts, and to receive Wisdom from others that have also been hurt.

Whicker

_________________________
Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

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#31352 - 03/22/05 02:30 PM Re: can't forgive
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
jerrylsan,

I think it is important to truly feel, own and express all the anger in your soul before you even give a thought to forgiveness. I may be way of base here, but I think you will be better served by finding a way to express how you feel about what was done to the little boy you were and how it has affected the man you became. Again, that is my opinnion. lostone had a good suggestion about the Unmdoerated Forum. Personally, I used to fight with friends before I started writing - not a good idea because nobody likes to hurt their buddies. Get that anger out. Don't let it corrode you soul.

John


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#31353 - 03/22/05 09:22 PM Re: can't forgive
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Your doctor seems a bit pushy for my taste. I had to train my therapist that he's there as my sounding board. Don't let a pushy therapist take away your power. You don't have to do any forgiving that you're not ready to do. In my opinion "forgiving" is a subject thrown around way too much. I'm with Mark R. above. I think it's more about the intense feelings of hatred than it is about forgiving. And hating doesn't go away overnight. You're just starting to deal with all of this. How are you supposed to take care of a lifetime of not hating in a few weeks? And then what? Forgive everybody and be well? I wonder if this doctor could cure this cough I've had all winter as easily. I don't sit around hating my uncle and my father as intensly as I used to, but if you think I'm going to forgive them you're out of your mind. They aren't sorry. They don't want to be forgiven. They don't care. So forgive and forget and everybody's happy? I don't think so. Somebody's got to take the blame, and it's not me.

Healing is a process. It sounds like your therapist wants to "fix you" in about a week and a half. You don't have to tell or confront anybody until you're ready. I'd just tell your therapist to back off. Then we could discuss what about your therapist is so triggering to me. ;\)

Hang in there, jerrylsan. You may not have had the power back then at the SA, but you've got the power today. I'd write my fingers off about that hatred and how you feel about those perps. That's what takes the sting out of the feelings over time.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#31354 - 03/22/05 10:10 PM Re: can't forgive
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Forgiveness can come, but only when you are ready. You have to take care of yourself first.

The reasoning behind forgiving is that the hate is such a burden to carry around… it just drains us. We forgive, not to let our abuser off the hook, but to let our self off the hook, it’s impossible to be happy when you are filled with hate. It is also impossible to ever conceive of forgiving someone when you are early on in recovery.


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#31355 - 03/23/05 01:35 AM Re: can't forgive
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Sorry if I appear to keep repeating myself - I still think that forgiveness cannot be given until the abuser/perpetrator admits what they have done (and is really/genuinely sorry about it).

If they keep hiding behind some sort of mask that indicates that the abused child is a liar.... they can rot!!!

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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