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#31306 - 10/16/06 02:49 PM If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
I've been asked to speak at an upcoming national conference on treatment of youth who sexually offend. This is a conference for therapists who work with this population and there will not be any non-professionals there.

I'm thinking about doing a presentation tentatively titled, "The Voices of Your Victims-- What Adult Survivors Have to Say to You Years After the Abuse".

My intention is to help sensitize these therapists about the immediate and long term consequences of the abuse by adolescents. This includes what their victims went through during and after the abuse, why they couldn't tell, whether they forgave prematurely, how they felt about the abuser in the years afterwards, how it has affected their lives, whether they made efforts to reach some kind of reconciliation, etc.

I'd also like to hear from partners and other family members, particularly from the parents of victims with some of the consequences they have had to deal with over the years.

The presentation may generate handouts for the therapists to take back to their clients for discussion in individual and group sessions.

I'm not looking for angry rants particularly, since I suspect that the adolescent offenders have gotten a lot of that from their parents, court/probation, etc., but I think helping them better understand the longer term consequences will be helpful for their treatment, so they never do this again.

I need to get the abstract submitted in a few weeks and your responses will give me some idea if this is a good topic to present to this conference.

Thanks for your help.

Ken


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#31307 - 10/16/06 04:07 PM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
irishguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/04
Posts: 231
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
Ken,

Looks like a good thing your doing, good help to alot of people, my offender was a teenager at the time, do you want us to post our comments in here or by another means?

Regards.
--------
Dean.

_________________________
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

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#31308 - 10/16/06 06:34 PM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Let's try posting here. If it gets too unwieldy, we can try something else. However, judging by the Jonathan King ongoing thing (8 pages?), we should be ok here.

If your abuser was a teenager, your comments can be helpful for this presentation.

Thanks.

Ken


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#31309 - 10/16/06 08:39 PM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I knew a boy at school who always fancied me, after abuse that is.
I tried to shake him off, but he harrassed me, so I suppose I tried to make some type of frienship with him.

He was openly gay, which made is so much harder, as the other kids would make me feel really embarrassed about being anywhere near him.

One time on a trip to Germany, there were three of us in the bedroom, the other two boys, one of which was this boy stripped naked, and did sex acts with each other, I was mortified, and threatened to tell the teachers.

I can only think it was this boy who stole all my money and trashed everything I had, on the trip.
He made my life a misery back at school, or so he thought, until I hit back.

He put one teachers pet fish in acid, and I got the blame, until I told my form master that I would never do anything to hurt an animal, even if I did not like the teacher, nor would I be reckless with acid.

The more I tried to distance myself from this boy, the worse it got, until I faced up to him.

I posted an article in news, about a boy who died after refusing advances from a fellow pupil, because he threatened to tell on him.

Kids can be so manipulative, no wonder they turn into seasoned perps when older,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#31310 - 10/17/06 01:14 AM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
my older brother had his way with me..i guess he was a teenager...not sure what you are looking for..how my parents me his responsiblity...and he hated it..how scared i was of him..after the abuse..how my parents knew and did nothing..except yelling at me...how i wanted to be a girl...how he was dads favorite he could no wrong...how i didnt feel like i belonged..how i wished my parents were dead...how i became a sex object with other boys...how as a young adult i hated myself so much..and my body...no one would want me..as i wasnt a child anymore ...all of the depression ..self hate..no self esteme..moving around all of the time running from myself...all of the drugs and drinking...car wrecks... thoughts of scuide all -of the time..how life sucked...nothing meant anything...what a curse to be born.....no friends cant relate to people anger at work getting fired at jobs because i have issues with athority figures how i hate anyone telling me what to do...giving orders to me ...how rebellious i was how i can not have a relationship..my life is so selcluded...has to have certin limits not allowed to be happy ......wtf i could go on and on steve


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#31311 - 10/17/06 03:37 AM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
I was five, he was 13. He was a friend of my older brothers'. His father died when he was a baby. It started out with just naked play, then sex play, then rape. It went on for about two years until we moved away. He was popular and well-liked in the church where my father was pastor. He was to be the shining star of his rather sad family. At first, I loved the attention from this older guy. Then it got insistent and angry and the sex got more violent. He told me to never tell anyone, but that this is what friends did with each other. He was a good manipulator even at 13. I tried to tell a teacher in 3rd grade what happened to me by drawing pictures and putting them on his desk. The class got a lecture about dirty pictures. I buried the whole thing from my conciousness for years. Drank in elementary school, lied, was sexually active as early as fourth grade.
When I was twenty five I realized I had been molested, but figured I was OK with it. Also realized this kid had probably been abused. Felt sorry for him. That was it, until a year ago when the memories wouldn't go away. I was acting out, it nearly ruined my marriage. After months of therapy, I have discovered that the abuse has ruined my life. I have lived in terror of men and boys my whole life. I removed myself from sports even though I was good at them, because I couldn't deal with the physical contact and agression. When I was a kid, I played with girls because they were safer. I believed that all boys would hurt each other the way I had been hurt. I have never been able to form intimate bonds with anyone, even my wife. I feel like I am living a shell of a life that is an empty facade of what a real person should be. I always assumed that if anyone was friendly with me, it was because they wanted something, probably sex. I compensated by trying to be perfect at everything. Good grades, good career, etc, but distant to everyone around me.
Too much to write here...it goes on forever.
Paul


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#31312 - 10/17/06 04:43 AM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
sportinrucks Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 422
Loc: Louisiana
I was eight when he was 13. I was a sheltered child, had no idea what sex was and was manipulated into it. I began to crawl into a shell of fantasy and isolation. This led to curiosity with my aunt although nothing ever happened. I was obsessed with being ready for ''combat'' I guess you could call it. Never participated much in activities unless forced to other than that I lived a double-life in order to fit in. I acted ''tough'' so I would stop getting picked on. About it for now.


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#31313 - 10/17/06 01:56 PM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
I was 4 or 5 when he moved next door. He was around 14 and just moved here from another country. He was older then my brother and played with he and his friends but he would rape me secretly. No one knew. There was also oral rape. He was not nice about it and would knock the wind out of me afterward. I knew he could kill me if he wanted to. I quit talking. Went to speech therapy for two years but did not start to talk agian until he moved away when I was in 2nd grade. I was afraid if anyone found out what I was doing I would be in big trouble.
Earlier this year I found out he worked at a school district in the transportation dept. I tried to notify them but they said they wouldn't do anything about it without some kind of proof. Well, I couldn't prove anything. I did let someone in CPS know and then I wrote him the following letter.

R...,

We use to live in the same neighborhood and I've never forgotten you. I have not forgotten that you sexually abused me either. It has been a part of me all these years. Having experienced that at such a young age really has a way of fucking up ones life. It tends to work its way into every corner of my existence, into how I feel about myself and how I deal with so many of lifeís challenges. It is always there, hanging around in my head.

I know you are married with a family of your own and work for the school district over in C..... I pray that I was the only one. Iím not asking you for anything. Iím giving you something. I think it is time that I hand this burden over to you. Iíve been carrying it since I was a child. I am just tired of being the one that is haunted by and canít forget what happened so many years ago. I am tired of the shame. I want to remind you in case you forgot. I want it in your head, haunting you, shaming you. I want you to feel guilty for messing up the life of a dear little boy. You were old enough to know better. This is your burden, not mine.


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#31314 - 10/19/06 02:00 AM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Let me add something I left out in the original post.

If you could give the therapist of a teenage offender some advice to use with the teen abusers, what would you say? What questions should s/he ask the young person s/he is trying to help?

Thanks,
Ken


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#31315 - 10/19/06 08:45 PM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Firstly, it is no good asking them why they did it.
How do you think society can trust you?
What led you to do something so vile?
Do you realise really how profound your actions can have to an abused boy/girl?

This is harder than I could ever imagine, but we are talking about teens, and some of them become abusers at such an early age, it is next to impossible to trust anything you get from them,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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