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#312580 - 12/01/09 08:32 PM being called names
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
One of the biggest auditory sensations of my young life that affects me today is the words I heard. Words became weapons of destruction.

Being associated with certain actions - ie looking at friend or naked classmate for a nanosecond too long - I became a "faggot". If I did not fight the bully I was too good to be seen with therefore ignored. If I did not kiss a girl by the time I was a 10 I was a "woos". If I did not make it to first base with a "girl" by the time I was 12 I was a "will not say it since women read this too". If I did not make it to home base by the time I was 16 then I was "gay".

I did not make it. I am a "faggot". Those words had the meaning of being judged as being less than. Being anything but straight had consequences.

I don't have to answer to anyone for who I am. But, I will say no one would know I am a puffer. No one would know I think "he" has a hot ass. I am very masculine. I have no interest in .....

I stand for my right to be who I am.

How do you feel about derogatory words?

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

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#312589 - 12/01/09 10:19 PM Re: being called names [Re: DJsport]
RatherBhotubbing Offline


Registered: 11/20/09
Posts: 3
Loc: Canada
Words hurt. Don't ever believe that stupid saying "sticks and stones...." not true.We can damage people with the words we use, and we can change who people are.

_________________________
United we stand, Divided we fall.

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#312590 - 12/01/09 10:26 PM Re: being called names [Re: DJsport]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
i hated being called faggot as a kid, my step father would call me that under his breath,..derogatory words hurt....i dont have a problem with a difference of opinion but there are respectful ways to express ones perspective without resorting to the lowest common denominator...

i was bullied alot as a kid for being a bed wetter, and got called every name you could think of...they would call me "diaper dan", i still to this day cannot even say it aloud,..im suprized that i would even post it here. i was a bed wetter till i was 15, and i was so ashamed of it...everyone knew....and they were relentless when they picked on me...such bad memories.

_________________________
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#312593 - 12/01/09 10:37 PM Re: being called names [Re: DJsport]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
I remember words like that when I was a kid....i remember not knowing what they meant.....i remember being so ashamed of having being abused so I keep it, pushed it deeper inside, so no one would find out what I had done!!!

I remember it hurting so, so much, that I became that boy that did boy things even if I didn't enjoy them like boy scouts, football, baseball. It was tough, looking back I wish I had joined band....I have to stop.....I did what I did so i could become who I am today.

Thank DJ, BIG HUGS!!!

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#312597 - 12/01/09 10:59 PM Re: being called names [Re: RatherBhotubbing]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Words hurt, there's no doubt about it. After the abuse, I was a complete basketcase, subject to a lot of cruelty. I was overweight. I was called faggot. The worst was when people tried to "help" me by pointing out how pitiful my social skills were.

In adulthood, I learned a trick that helps dull the pain. The insults you recieve aren't directed at you, they're directed at the person who is speaking. Recently, I was "spoken to" at work by a coworker who I unintentionaly offended. She said that I wasn't grateful for a favor she did, and I put her down instead. Meanwhile, I agreed to work a shift she didn't like days before our little talk. She also said I didn't take the job seriously. I admit that I joke around, but so does she, as much as I do. I just get more laughs. She said I didn't know when I was crossing a line, and suggested I thought she was stupid. Now, saying I thought she was stupid definitely crossed a line of appropriate workplace behavior. Hey, she was even criticizing herself for underestimating me.

I'm not immune either. I accused her of being "too defensive." Good one, me.

You see where I'm going. My fat brother used to make fun of my weight more than anyone. The kid in high school who most frequently mocked my social skills was shy, and had a strange style of speaking which sounded like an impediment. My mother who hates men laughed at my disinterest in sex. And people who call you faggot...well, you figure that out.

The more hateful your words, the greater your own self-hatred. It's hard not to feel hurt, but the right sentiment to have is pity.


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#312620 - 12/02/09 12:47 AM Re: being called names [Re: Bewlayb1]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 209
Loc: Oregon

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but they heal much easier than the words that wounded my self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth.

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

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#312649 - 12/02/09 10:04 AM Re: being called names [Re: philistine]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
It takes Ten positive messages to make up for one negative message.

So I have been told.

MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#312694 - 12/02/09 05:44 PM Re: being called names [Re: DJsport]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: DJsport
.... "faggot"....


Reading all the posts here makes me wonder if there is a man alive today in the U.S. who is under 50, who was NOT called a fag at some point in time. :-) I'm making light of it of course, because I did not when it was used on me as a teen too... and I was just not wise enough to even know what it meant. (But it must have been terrible because I'm terrible so the word fit.)

I've tried to change the world in my own way - and truly I don't see anyone else doing this. "Can I bum a fag?" comes to mind... "Love my fags!" is another one. Let people hear it outside sexual references and realize of course it means a smoke/cig whatever as the Brits say still. Telling someone not to call someone a fag doesn't seem to work.

The word that gets me most of all is nigger. While I'm not black, I just have always found that to be the most offensive word of all. "Racist" is being used a lot today and out of context in my view. If you are white anything you say is racist in 2009. I love "white trash" as I used that term to describe the Bush Royals and all other political figures with IQs of less that 10. ha. There are too many to name here. laugh

_________________________
Jeff

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#312697 - 12/02/09 05:55 PM Re: being called names [Re: westchesterguy]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
deleted - overrated



Edited by DJsport (12/02/09 07:55 PM)
_________________________
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#312712 - 12/02/09 07:49 PM Re: being called names [Re: DJsport]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: DJsport
And why would u make light of it now?


Ah, I made light of it because those guys who called me a faggot where GAY! They were all as gay as gay can be DJ! I see that now. It was never about me. It was always about their own sexuality.

Secondly, my own rape was never about being gay either. My rapist got off molesting boys and girls, he was not gay. He was a pedophile.

There has been similar discussions about the n-word being watered down in order to minimize its impact if everyone was just to use it to mean something entirely different. I just see that by using the word fag in the way I described, may lead to questioning its meaning in future. "Did he just call me a cigarette or a gay guy?" Once that question hits, the word begins to lose the nastier edge. I can't think of another way to do it. Kumbaya songs from the camp fire, and from GLSEN and PFLAG have made no difference - the word still means today what it did in 1980.












Edited by westchesterguy (12/02/09 07:50 PM)
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#312714 - 12/02/09 08:08 PM Re: being called names [Re: westchesterguy]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I simply want to be heard and not have my experiences -be they tough for others to hear - discounted.

The reference to them "being gay" is not cool for me. I am gay and I never use the word even to other gay men. My perp and others in my life used the word FAGGOT in a mean way NOT because they were gay.

I have to be clear they are two different things. I have to separate them to be able to deal with them. Crossing the lines for me is more hurtful.

My feelings and my opinion and my way for dealing with this message.

I hear you WG.

DJ



Edited by DJsport (12/02/09 08:51 PM)
_________________________
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#312718 - 12/02/09 08:35 PM Re: being called names [Re: DJsport]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Hi DJ, I'm sorry to intrude. I agree that the word should be discontinued, as should ni--er, sp-c, m-ck, k-ke, etc. But making light of it is one way to minimize its impact. I don't know if it quite works in terms of society as a whole. But I think Westchester Guy is really just trying to make the word lose its meaning for him, so it can no longer hurt him. He's using humor as a defense mechanism.

I think basically you both see eye to eye. I also think openly gay men DON'T usually use the word "faggot" in a bad way, because they don't hate themselves for their desires. They don't need to lash out at people who are secretly the same as they are.

It's the tormented closet cases who are homophobic. Why on earth would anyone else care? Sorry if I'm butting in. I just think your argument is based on misunderstandings, and not any significant differences in opinion. Just trying to keep the peace.


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#312719 - 12/02/09 08:39 PM Re: being called names [Re: DJsport]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Hey Donnie you described my childhood/adolescent years.

I hated all the mean things people said to me.

I know I'm a good guy and why people get off on being mean.

My Dad has a theory, that they are just so lonely, confused, desperate, insecure, that for in order of them to feel good about others they have to get off trying to push people's buttons and say mean and hurtful things.

I will say this in some ways life is getting better for me and the mean and hurtful things have tamed down a bit, not completely gone but still a few, one thing though is I will either defend myself or hold my tongue, ignore it or walk away.

Another thing that my Dad says which I find true about college, is that it tends to ween out some of those mean jerks.

Great topic.

Glad I could be a part and share with you all. Thanks guys.

Charlie.


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#312722 - 12/02/09 08:55 PM Re: being called names [Re: Bewlayb1]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: Bewlayb1


minimize its impact.


NO minimizing its impact - it sucks - it hurts like hell.

And if saying they are gay is the way to minimize it then that is just wrong in my opinion. And it is wrong because since I am gay then the putting in on gay men hurts worse.

Deal with it however u deal with it but - not saying more - dont want to imply anything -

Please forgive me I am in the earlier stages of recovery and this shits still hurts. So diminishing it in anyway when I have not dealt with it and just comfortable with talking about it.

I dont mean any harm and am not nasty - just saying what is on my heart. Please dont take offense.

DJ



Edited by DJsport (12/02/09 09:10 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

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#312738 - 12/02/09 11:15 PM Re: being called names [Re: westchesterguy]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
Kumbaya songs from the camp fire, and from GLSEN and PFLAG have made no difference - the word still means today what it did in 1980.


i was born in 1953, and i have lived the evolution of the GLBTQ struggle so i disagree that the efforts of these organizations have made no difference. i agree that the word has not changed its meaning, but i don't believe that it has the same power except in the mind of certain conglomerates of ignorant people [smaller percentage now in 2009 than in 1980]

PFLAG is directly responsible for raising awareness about violence against GLBTQ people, and creating legisation that protect our rights. jeanne manford, the mother of PFLAG and judy shephard the mother of matthew shephard have done much to advance protections of the rights of gay 'children'. their grassroots efforts have resulted in the passage of legislations which provide foundations for recourse in situations where people are met with discriminatory violence.

from the PFLAG website:


The passage of the hate crimes bill came on the heels of several other key gains this week [October 23, 2009]:

* A Family Victory!On Thursday, October 15, Rep. Pete Stark (D-Calif.) introduced H.R. 3827, the Every Child Deserves a Family Act, which would restrict federal funds for states that discriminate in adoption or foster programs on the basis of marital status, sexual orientation, or gender identity. Currently, at least five states specifically prohibit LGBT people from adopting children. The passage of this law would help our LGBT friends open up their homes to children who desperately need families to call their own.

The latest available research shows more than 500,000 children are currently part of the foster care system, with only 3 percent placed in pre-adoptive homes. The bill introduced by Stark is intended to eliminate barriers to adoption, as studies indicate that foster children are more likely to commit crimes, more likely to experience homelessness and less likely to be able to hold jobs as young adults. The bill will help strengthen families and create a more opportunities for young people to grow into happy and productive adults.

* A Health Victory! On Wednesday, October 21, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius announced plans to create the first national resource center for LGBT senior citizens (over age 60), a group estimated as high as 4 million. The LGBT Resource Center will not only help existing agencies build competency and cultural sensitivity in serving this growing community, but also will expand awareness among LGBT individuals about the need to plan for later life and long-term care. The Administration on Aging plans to award a grant of $250,000 each year to eligible entities, which include public-private nonprofit organizations with experience working on LGBT issues on a national level.

* A Housing Victory! On the same day as HHS’s announcement, Housing and Urban Development Secretary Shaun Donovan discussed the housing agency’s series of proposals to ensure that its core housing programs are open to all, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. Discrimination on these bases is prohibited by the Fair Housing Act, but HUD acknowledged that the Act doesn’t specifically cite its protection of LGBT people.

Although there is no existing data on such discrimination, Secretary Donovan said that it undoubtedly exists. To build the evidence of such barriers, HUD is commissioning the first-ever nationwide study into the occurrences and effects of discriminatory housing sales and rental programs. The plan includes clarifying that the term “family” includes LGBT individuals and couples; instituting requirements for grant recipients to comply with local and state non-discrimination laws that cover sexual orientation or gender identity; and stipulating that mortgage loans insured through the Federal Housing Administration consider only credit-worthiness when determining loan approvals, regardless of unrelated factors such as sexual orientation or gender identity.

===========

we ARE making progress and it won't be long before we will never hear that word uttered publicly, and those who do so will become the stigmatized ones. hate will not prevail. just as the 'n' word has lost its salience except in certain circles, such will be the demise of the 'fag' word in generations to come. much to the chagrin of certain elements of our culture, we will no longer be forced to cower in the shadows just because someone snarls at us from some imagined position of superiority, moral or otherwise.

oh happy day!

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#312772 - 12/03/09 06:58 AM Re: being called names [Re: Sans Logos]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
In my opinion until an insult is hurled at YOU, it's really not something to be concerned with. If it's against a friend, ok, that I can understand. Though I think it's still a 50% "should" and 50% "should not" get involved issue. I had a friend that's black, and when a snot-nosed wannabe-a-skinhead white punk called him a nigger, I was kicked out of the store for punching the brat. Turned out the kid WAS a kid- 15. And I'm nearly 40. No ticket, the cop couldn't stop laughing. Someone finally taught that kid a lesson.

But I call gays a variety of names. Pardon me, but I've been abused repeatedly by gays and I have no fondness of them. Tolerance, perhaps. Nothing more. IMO if my friends are gay, that's their choice. I don't go bragging about screwing women, they can hold off on bragging about screwing men. I see it as mutual respect.

OTOH, I have on occasion used the word "nigger", and only once in reference to a black man. The rest were actually against whites. It's safer that way because I can insult them like there ain't no tommorow, and they can't do anything about it. If they accuse me of being a racist, the egg's in their face not mine. THEY are the ones putting color to the insult, not me!

I'll use any term I want when I insult someone, but they gotta do something really bad to get me to do it though. I'm not homophobic in the least it. I don't fear them, I just don't like them! I'm not racist, I judge on personalities and behavior, not color!

But I *AM* an asshole, and I'm damn proud of it!

I will say though that DJ's my friend, and don't nobody be cutting him!

Don't nobody need to be cutting no one period.


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#312805 - 12/03/09 12:29 PM Re: being called names [Re: LilacLouie]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Wow. This has been a very interesting learning experience.

I did not realize how the use of words was so hurtful and widespread.

I have heard here from both those that have heard words and to those that use them.

You are all my friend and brothers in recovery. I am never sure how to post a thread that is so personal and then back away from it in an emotional sense. I know I own to many things that are not mine.

Peace,
DJ

LL you are blunt and insulting but admit it and this good. I can never be insulting.



Edited by DJsport (12/03/09 12:30 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

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#312842 - 12/03/09 07:09 PM Re: being called names [Re: LilacLouie]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
Originally Posted By: LilacLouie
But I call gays a variety of names. Pardon me, but I've been abused repeatedly by gays and I have no fondness of them. Tolerance, perhaps. Nothing more. IMO if my friends are gay, that's their choice. I don't go bragging about screwing women, they can hold off on bragging about screwing men. I see it as mutual respect.
Interesting. My own abuser is gay, and yet you and I kind of went different ways. You became a hater, but I became deeply reflective about GLBT issues. If anything, I tend to take homophobia personally because of all the questioning I went through after the abuse. I do agree about the need for good boundaries and mutual respect though.


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#313020 - 12/05/09 03:00 AM Re: being called names [Re: InsideTheWall]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Bewl and Westchesterguy.

I understand now....

sorry to be a grump...and not see the humor at first....

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#313021 - 12/05/09 03:53 AM Re: being called names [Re: InsideTheWall]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
Originally Posted By: Anonymous
Interesting. My own abuser is gay, and yet you and I kind of went different ways. You became a hater, but I became deeply reflective about GLBT issues. If anything, I tend to take homophobia personally because of all the questioning I went through after the abuse. I do agree about the need for good boundaries and mutual respect though.

Yeah, those damn haters. My gawd! I'm supposed to be as warm and loving as the man that raped me in 1987! Oh, and the love and adoration the guys showed me when they SA'd me when I was in jail, I guess I should feel honored instead! mad

ETA- "hater"? Damn skippy homeboy!



Edited by LilacLouie (12/05/09 04:51 AM)

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#313027 - 12/05/09 04:57 AM Re: being called names [Re: LilacLouie]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Louis,

Be mad at the guys who did that to you not an entire group of people who MAY or MAY NOT have something in common with those who hurt you. You'd do well in your recovery to work on learning to separate the two I think.

sono

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the perp

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#313028 - 12/05/09 05:06 AM Re: being called names [Re: sono]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
I came to the Gay/Bi/Trans Survivors forum ONLY because a man here at MS, a man I thought was my friend, posted something that really bothered him.

Go be gay if you want, I don't care. Leave me out of it.


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#313036 - 12/05/09 08:42 AM Re: being called names [Re: LilacLouie]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hey carl,

we are all brothers of the wound drawn here because of what we share in common: a very powerful experience that caused our lives to change immutably. and we rally here because we learn the we have the power to be the best agents of nurture for each other as we work to reclaim the ground that was lost in those experiences.

we don't care who is what in terms of sexual identity; that does not matter. debating that will not lead us to wholeness and integration but further disparity, that's why we encourage that those types of arguments be taken elsewhere.

regarding jail rape, i am very sorry that that could happen to you [ i even feel badly that your abuse led you into that situation in the first place ], but i don't believe there was anything 'gay' about these jail rapists, other than the fact that they performed male on male rape, which is a non consensual homosexual act, not a characteristic of a gender type. just as i know my brother who used me as a sex object was not 'gay', nor were the guys in the navy who manipulated me into secret hidey holes on the destroyer for their own sexual satisfaction, nor was the guy who shoved his 9 incher inside me while holding a knife at my throat.

it hurts us all when we get lumped in with rapists. we were the ones that got raped after all.

i was very happy the day came when malesurvivor created the female abuse forum, because it helped take the pressure off of gays specifically to let people know that men are not the only ones who abuse boys sexually. it helps to remove the stigma that 'gay = abuse' and gives us a better understanding of who our real enemy is.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#313063 - 12/05/09 12:36 PM Re: being called names [Re: LilacLouie]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: LilacLouie
I came to the Gay/Bi/Trans Survivors forum ONLY because a man here at MS, a man I thought was my friend, posted something that really bothered him.

Go be gay if you want, I don't care. Leave me out of it.


LilacLouis,

I know your referring to me. I still consider you my friend. I am sorry to hear you say "Leave me out of it" when your voicing your pain.

It appears the men who hurt you are still hurting you.

Guys, this thread is getting off tract. My original thought when I started thread was to voice my hurt feelings about what was said in the words which to me is being called a "name".

I understand being called a "name" has different meanings for everybody and I appreciate more after this thread.

BUT I see us (survivor brothers who had awful things done to us) take this frustration of being called names out on each other. It is defining and redefining our friendships.

We deserve to be treated with love and respect including from each other.

I don't want this be about my brothers throwing insults at each other and it has.

Peace,
DJ



Edited by DJsport (12/05/09 03:06 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#313064 - 12/05/09 12:58 PM Re: being called names [Re: westchesterguy]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
In an attempt to get back on track...

Originally Posted By: westchesterguy
Originally Posted By: DJsport
.... "faggot"....


Reading all the posts here makes me wonder if there is a man alive today in the U.S. who is under 50, who was NOT called a fag at some point in time. :-)


Jeff: Hate knows no boundaries. Political, social, it doesn't matter. Ignorance will spread like the flu, and infect the weakest links, embuing them with a sense of entitlement for some reason.

To answer your question, probably not. It can also be said to have been inflicted on those over 50, and outside the US as well. wink

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#313072 - 12/05/09 01:44 PM Re: being called names [Re: DJsport]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
i was just asking Ron some simple questions DJ, he did bring this point up...they were not directed at you,...only wanted to know if he thought self identity was a legitimate way to ascertain the sexual orientation of his perps or is he just making assumptions which perhaps would be quite reasonable for any of us to do under the circumstances, not an unreasonable thing to ask since he did mention that he thinks his perps were heterosexual, while others claim theirs to be homosexual....how does he know?....how do any of us know?..which gets to the root of why this topic is heated,....im not raging against anyone here....if someone has internal strife, then they probably need to work on that, but thats not going to stop me from asking reasonable questions, based on previous statements in the thread.....nor do i see how the questions i asked has anything to do with someones internal strife....there are no insults or even implied insults against anyone in anything that Ive posted in this thread, it is however unfortunate that other posters are inclined express their hostilities, perhaps some nerve has been stuck by this topic for some,.....but my previous post are just some simple questions,....try not to read into them more than there is...and lets move on...thanks bro...

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Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#313127 - 12/05/09 10:38 PM Re: being called names [Re: myboyhoodfears]
Emmett Offline


Registered: 12/05/09
Posts: 4
I just wanted to say that I agree. The name calling was the worst thing that could have happened to me, as a child and as an adult. I am a survivor of an adult assault. Throughout the assault I was called lots of names and ridiculed. It is those words that have stuck with me even though it was so long ago.


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#313186 - 12/06/09 01:20 PM Re: being called names [Re: Emmett]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Saw this in passing and thought I'd comment. (Me? Comment? Come on really?) So ok. Name calling does a lot more damage than people think. And yes, it also does say a lot about the people who are insulting you. Self Projection maybe?

Anyways, with "fag" or any other synonymous word used as an affront to ones maleness or sexuality, it can certainly be used by people who are self projecting. I think the reasons kids use it on each other so much is A.) Insecurity and B.) They hear everyone else calling it. It's kind of like when "You're Mom is X" or "Hey I X'd your mom" is really really offensive at first, but then you realize everyone is using it and suddenly people start using it completely out of context to what the insult originally meant. I just think of the episode of South Park last month where they had them change the meaning of the word "fag" in the dictionary to be a derogatory term for obnoxious attention hungry Harley Davidson riders. That's kinda how kids are using it now. Instead of being an affront to sexuality or manhood, it's used in similar context as "You're Lame, You're a Retard, You Suck" etc.


HOWEVER. I do definitely see the point being made here, and I think that word hits home for people who are gay, males who have been abused sexually by other males, or the guys who are both gay and abuse victims.

I'm sure I've said it before, but I didn't really process any of the information from when I was molested. It just kinda happened, I felt like something wasn't right about it, but I didn't really care cause I was 9, and my cousin was like a friend in an otherwise friendless existence at the time. He was also like an older brother figure by a couple years, but that wasn't so much of a factor. Everything we did was mutually enjoyable, whether it was sega, hockey games, football, whatever. We were close, and when I found out what was going on with the sexual stuff at age 10 that word "fag" became a big time "uh oh" word. It was like people knew somehow and I was stuck into a reputation that I didn't feel was me. But like I said, I wasn't popular, and more people would use that word on me, and it became a very powerfully negative word. That strong negativity made me so anxious and afraid of anything gay that upon seeing stuff like gay newspapers or articles, and for a few years gay porn, I HAD to check it out to gauge a reaction. As I understand the way my mind works, I realize that as unorganized as I can be on the outside, inside my head I have a need to know where everything is, where it came from, why it's there, etc. Being like that has allowed me to work through a lot of issues fairly quickly, but it's a two edged sword. I'm not homosexual, but that word can trigger tremendous self doubt in who I am.


Think about it though. ALLLLLLL of that came from a word.


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#313191 - 12/06/09 01:42 PM Re: being called names [Re: AndyS87]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
DJ,

To me verbal abuse was the most damaging aspect of my abuse.
because what others say about you as a child. You internalize it and it becomes the very core of who you are. And these negative messages take years to unlearn.
Hopefully one day we as a society will come to the point where we can just accept each other as we are. And not attack and hurt others just because of our differences. Because in the end is it not the differences the make us special and unique.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#313259 - 12/06/09 10:16 PM Re: being called names [Re: michael banks]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
I know name calling was common in my abuse. My abusing uncle called me little bastard and told me I was lucky he was taking an interest in me because most "little bastards" are not wanted by anyone. He told me I was born after the divorce and therefore I was a bastard. Turns out, I looked up the divorce papers and I was born two months before the divorce was granted. Surprisingly, he lied (OK, not really).

My brother called me a "little faggot" because I had concluded it was better to please our uncle than piss him off. If I pleased him, things might feel good or at least hurt less. If I pissed him off, pain or death was waiting. My abuser was succesful in pitting against each other.

Name calling is just one tool in the mental toolbox of the abuser.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#313915 - 12/10/09 06:28 PM Re: being called names [Re: LilacLouie]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Originally Posted By: lilaclouie
But I call gays a variety of names.


LL,

Why call gays names? I understand your angry at what happened to you and I even appreciate your honesty. But by blaming all gay people for what happened to you you're simply paying forward the abuse that was done to you. Certainly your brothers here don't deserve that.

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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