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#312449 - 11/30/09 10:48 PM stonewalling and bedroom issues
emmy Offline


Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 9
I feel like my DH is doing well some days and other days it is not so good. For the last couple of weeks he has been having anxiety at night to the point it is interrupting my sleep. And he is depressed and won't go on meds right now or counseling right now. I am tired of it and frustrated trying to take care of the kids, house and deal with him. I finally told him that I wasn't sure I could handle this anymore and now he is stonewalling. Won't talk to me, just walks around mute. It is really annoying. He is also mad at me cause bedroom issues. I never am in the mood anymore and this causes him more depression. Like really bad depression. It is frustrating me. I guess I gotta wait til he comes around and starts talking. He is just walking around like a zombie tonight. . .


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#312472 - 12/01/09 12:01 AM Re: stonewalling and bedroom issues [Re: emmy]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
While I can't speak to all of the issues with the depression and why he is not talking, I can explain one thing.

To a man that has been abused, there is a weird dynamic with the bedroom issues. I can remember one response to the CSA is that I sweated. It was not a conscious issue as far as not taking a bath but that is not uncommon with abuse. The idea is like a skunk spraying as a defense. If I stink, then I am not attractive and I won't be abused. It is my fault for being cute or attractive.

In the converse, it is a very real feeling that if his wife does not want sex, it is because he is unattractive and unloveable. One of the reasons that I actively sought to please my abuser was that by pleasing him, I was pleasing an adult male who would then care for me and if that was true, I was somehow worth more. Sex becomes a matter of acceptance and self worth. While that is a normal connection in many, I think it is more acute with CSA victims.

I had a lot of confusion when the recovered memories hit me because I thought I was not pleasing her, I was hurting her, especially in one position she actually likes, it was like I was becoming the abuser. It took some love and understanding to get past that. In some ways, your own lack of interest may be a similar fear that you are actually hurting him by having sex with him. There may be other issues I am not aware of or you may simply be exhausted by the time you get to bed. Try focusing on what you are attracted to in him and let him know what those attractions are.

Of course, if he is wanting to hurt you that is another issue, but if he is simply wanting to make love, it is something you should try to work through.



Edited by catfish86 (12/01/09 12:06 AM)
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#312534 - 12/01/09 11:23 AM Re: stonewalling and bedroom issues [Re: catfish86]
emmy Offline


Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 9
Thank you catfish86 for your insight. I really appreciate your thoughts and support.


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#313091 - 12/05/09 04:19 PM Re: stonewalling and bedroom issues [Re: emmy]
Cris Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/24/02
Posts: 14
With my husband, it can sometimes be a control issue. The csa my husband experienced put him in a position of no control. Sometimes, control becomes an issue to him, especially if he is experiencing high anxiety or at certain times of the year when the abuse was worse or more likely. Thanksgiving is the beginning of the holiday season, a time that can sometimes be stressful under normal circumstances, but that may have been worse growing up in an abusive household.

This may sound strange, but sometimes allowing my husband to relieve some of his stress in the bedroom has been helpful. He can feel powerful and in control again. Then it is more comfortable for him to talk to me.

Cris


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#313307 - 12/07/09 03:37 AM Re: stonewalling and bedroom issues [Re: Cris]
PatchworkMama Offline


Registered: 01/24/09
Posts: 54
Loc: Iowa
Emmy,

I can't explain what your husband is going through because I am not a male survivor, just a spouse of. But I can tell you that I know exactly how lonely and isolating it is when your husband "checks out" (as I call it). I have been handed most of the responsibility for the well-being of our kids, cleanliness of the house, and financial survival of the family while my H concentrates on getting his head above water.

Some days it is very hard to be compassionate, although I very much want to be. I know this process is long, arduous, and may take a wrong turn here and there. I know there will be hills and valleys. Love the hills, hate the valleys.

In the end though, we are alone in taking care of ourselves. So try to save some time during the day for something you enjoy - read a book, take a bath, take a walk, whatever. Something just for you, something that takes care of you.

And don't be afraid to reach out to someone outside your family and say, Help! I can't do this alone. Hopefully someone will answer your call. No one needs to know the details, but when you are drowning in laundry, meals, emotional & physical needs of everyone around you - you need help. Well anyway I did.

These are just the things that helped me (or could help me, I haven't had anyone answer my cry for help with anything besides the emotional needs of our children - they all have counselors and the school looking out for them). Once you start taking care of yourself and seperate from the ugliness that is taking over your husband, I think you will start feeling better. And your DH? Only he can decide where he wants to go from here.

I'm here if you need a friend. Feel free to PM me.



Edited by PatchworkMama (12/07/09 03:40 AM)
Edit Reason: spelling errors

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