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#312690 - 12/02/09 04:41 PM Re: Why didn't you tell? [Re: Geeders]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
That is a complicated question. Ken, that is an impressive chapter on this topic. Well written and thorough. It will help in my own ongoing efforts to stop beating myself up.

I was 8yo and my brother was 10yo. My dad's brother had been harping that us boys needed to be raised by a man and my mother was a bad parent (an older sibling had drowned in a pool and my drunk, divorced dad had just died). We didn't know him but were taken by him for a 3 week summer visit to his farm in the mountains. On that trip, he took us off the highway down some country roads to "pee". We three guys whipped em out and did our business, he raped my brother. After we got back in the truck, he informed me it was my turn on the next stop. When it was my turn, I screamed and cried. He told me to shut up, I wouldn't. He smothered and choked me to quiet me. My 8yo mind comprehended I was passing out and going to die, then he peed in my butt and stopped. I had no frame of reference for what he was doing to us. Later, a highway patrolman pulled us over since my uncle was falling asleep at the wheel. During the stop, the trooper shined his flashlight directly on me and said, "Son, you don't look too good, are you OK?" OK, everyone chime in here with, idiot SAY SOMETHING. I remember my uncle's eyes (only facial feature I can ever recall) boring into me. I remember thinking, what do I tell him, what was it he did, he peed in me, Mom put him in charge shes gonna be mad if I get him in trouble, hes gonna kill us all... "I'm fine sir, just tired."

For the next weeks, my uncle nearly killed both of us several times and I decided it was better to please my uncle than anger him. I became quite good at blow jobs real quick because if I did it well, he wouldn't shove it in and I found calm moments for actually initiating the other because he would be actually gentle if I did and that would hurt less. He would also be nurturing if we were "good" and I wanted a dad REALLY bad. My brother remained defiant in the abuse and called me a little faggot because "you like it". My uncle killed animals on the farm who befriended us, even making us participate in the killing. He also played russian roullette by putting a bullet in a revolver, spinning it and pointing it at our heads as he abused us and would pull the trigger if we made any noise.

Our mother eventually joined us and snuck out the back door with us in the middle of the night. She knew he was abusive but thought it was just beatings. She didn't ask and we didn't tell. We all kind of agreed that if we just didn't think about it, it would go away. I literally remembered the trip there and the return but nothing of what really happened until 34 years later. Even then I kept it inside for a week or two until my wife discovered I was obsessively looking up information on child rape, kidnapping, child porn, etc. and thought I was a perp. I had also went from hypersexual to unable to perform. This led to a doctor visit, a second disclosure which thankfully the doc made me see the need for therapy. Unfortunately, my uncle died 15 years ago and will never be punished. When he died at 64yo, there were underage boys living in the home under his care. A relative told me recently that he collected them like stray cats. I pray to God nobody died because of my not saying anything. My brother killed himself at 40 after the parents of a 7yo girl found out he had sex with her.

Basically, pure unadulterated fear. I kick myself to this day for what he continued to do. Sorry for the triggering post, this is one issue that is very painful for me to deal with.

The ironic thing is in college as a social work major, I became aware that very prominant signs indicated significant and violent CSA but counseling could never reveal it. The only memory I could pull up at the time was a little boy, age undetermined curled up in a ball in a lot of pain and wanting someone to love him real bad. I now know that was an 8yo boy curled up on the floor of a pickup truck.



Edited by catfish86 (12/02/09 04:50 PM)
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#312729 - 12/02/09 09:46 PM Re: Why didn't you tell? [Re: catfish86]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
Great post Ken! Thanks.

This I an interesting question and one I don't think I've ever truely asked myself. I've thought about it but never really examined and thought about it.

I was abused by my older brother when I was really young - around 4 or 5. From what I remember it only happened once and all that happened was him letting me play with his penis. Why didn't I tell? Well, there are a lot of reasons: 1) I was only a little kid and didn't have the vocabulary or mental capasity to understand what happened, 2) it was fun. Yes, at 4 or 5 years old playing with my (aprox.) 14yo brothers penis was fun. I remember smiling at him during the "play," 3) for a long, long time I had forgotten about it. I think I remembered when I was around 9 or 10 (curiously around the time I started masterbating) but even then I didn't see it as anything bad or abusive, 5) (I think this is why I haven't told anyone in my life now) I love my brother and I don't want to do or say anything that might ruin our relationship and 6) (something I still battle to this day) I'm still not fully convinced it's abuse since I wasn't forced or penetrated or threatened or any of that. Plus it only happened once from what I remember.

Well, that's why I didn't/haven't tell/told. I hope you guys can understand it.

Terrick



Edited by Clockwise (12/02/09 09:48 PM)
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Yet another 24 hours.

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#312744 - 12/03/09 12:37 AM Re: Why didn't you tell? [Re: Geeders]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I never told anyone while it was going on, nor for sometime after. I have since but I am very selective about whom I disclose to. I'm not in a relationship right now but in the future I wonder how would I go about telling a woman I care about? Forgive me but dislcosing a history of sexual abuse can be a bit of a bombshell. JS

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Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#313005 - 12/04/09 10:47 PM Re: Why didn't you tell? [Re: Dusty Boy]
MADcHATTER Offline


Registered: 11/30/09
Posts: 30
Loc: Tennessee
In my case it all came down to how I was raised. And what I was always told how a "man" should be. Since both my mother and step-perp were my abusers, there was no sense in telling them. My step-perp used my love for my family as a weapon. At 10 years old I didnt know any better. I was told flat out that If I told...my sisters, grandmother...anyone I cared about would be killed. At 10 you dont ever think "Nah he's bluffing!" You just dont take the chance! From the time my father left till that slime moved in I was always told I was "The Man of the House" and I had to protect my family at any cost! Heavy thing to lay on a child...but there it was. And I took it literally! Which was why it was so easy for him to use my love against me. He took away my responcibility...then he took what little power I had and crushed it!

I couldnt tell my uncles. They were the ones who always told me that men having sex with men was sick, queer and perverted. At 10 I didnt know there was any distinction between force or freewill. All I knew was the acts being done to me were wrong and grasped the only definitions provided me. I had no frame of reference and no context to place them other than these things I was fed. I accepted them as "gospel". My mind could not grasp that they might differentiate what I was going through as being different from what they told me. It was too stark a contradiction in my mind. And that made it unrealistic to tell them.

Also came what I've often referred to as "The Man Myth". This was the underlying theme to not only my growing...but to my abuses. Men dont cry! A Man can handle any pain! A Man doesnt ask for help. Men...dont air their dirty laundry in the streets! It took me along time to realize that it was all bunk! Even my uncles used to beat me then look me in the eye to make sure I didnt cry! The idea was to toughen me up as if I were a Spartan Child being measured and weighed to either be accepted or disgarded.

Did I become tough? Some would say so! I know of at least one person who learn it's lethality. Am I proud of that? No...that is a part of my soul I will never ever get back. Did it help me survive. Yes...but only when I used it to my advantage and as a means of survival.

Why didnt I tell? I never knew I could...Until I met a man who had walked that mile in my shoes. Who shared with me his pain, his dark secret and his strength. He was no therapist, no shrink...he was a lowely orderly in a psych ward who was watching me and could tell there was another like him. He recognized my pain, my dark secret...and he knew my strength. He was the first person I told...and the first man I cried in front of in over 30 years!



Edited by MADcHATTER (12/04/09 10:50 PM)
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“Religion is for people who are afraid of going to Hell...Spirituality is for those of us who've already been there”

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#313022 - 12/05/09 04:00 AM Re: Why didn't you tell? [Re: MADcHATTER]
behindthewall Offline


Registered: 07/28/08
Posts: 126
Loc: US
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