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#31213 - 03/21/05 11:36 PM Why do I feel nothing?
david(UK) Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/21/05
Posts: 11
Loc: London, UK
Why do I feel nothing?

This is my first posting, so forgive me if Iím asking an obvious question. It is 30 years ago. I had Ďforgottení, yet it has been running my whole life. I was a child living away from home. He was the only person to offer friendship. My parents liked him. I feel complicit. I enjoyed his attention.

This morning I found out where he lives Ė only an hour away and in a street with two schools. I think I should be raging or crying or sitting on his doorstep with a carving knife in my hand. But I feel absolutely nothing. If I met him I would probably behave as though nothing ever happened. Maybe even let him do it again. The closest I seem to have come to an emotion is the briefest of thoughts that I should wash myself in bleach.


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#31214 - 03/21/05 11:59 PM Re: Why do I feel nothing?
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Our brains know what we can handle. It knows how much you can feel and still be OK. The feelings will come, thankfully not all at once. Your comment on what you you think you should feel probably says it all. It's in there. Writing helps. Just posting what you did was a brave thing to do. And if it helps, I know a triggering thing like my perp living near two schools would probably shut me down, too. The fact that you care where he lives shows you feel something. When it's safe, and when you're ready, it will come.

I'm glad you found this place.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#31215 - 03/22/05 01:00 AM Re: Why do I feel nothing?
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 431
Loc: UK
Hi David,

Itís a pretty common response to feel nothing, being numb about what happened is a defence, the feelings are all there and as Ffighting said they will come when you are ready to handle them. Every child needs and deserves attention and the perp exploited your healthy boy needs, that does not make you complicit, I know the feeling of self blame though.

Glad you found the site, itís a great resource, welcome.

Rustam.


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#31216 - 03/22/05 01:15 AM Re: Why do I feel nothing?
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
you feel nothing because you
were abused so -
and the way your being protects itself from
the pain is to be numb -
and unfortunately - if you haven't dealt with it
before - it is probably manifesting in other ways in your life -
besides being dormant emotionally -

take care of yourself -
take steps to get help outside of here if you have not already -
talk about it here too -
you must be feeling something
if you felt enough to come here
and talk about it -

you knew something was amiss -
be well

mark

mgb

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#31217 - 03/22/05 05:01 AM Re: Why do I feel nothing?
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
David, I think you can see by the replies to your post that numb is pretty normal here, especially in the beginning. I know I can feel emotion about everything connected with my sa, except the actual event. I can never actually feel emotion about that or become angry with my perpetrator. I think as others have said, it's because we disassociated at the time. Any time I do start to feel something about that period of my life, my t thinks it is a good thing because he says I'm not diassociating so much. You've come to a good place here, David. Everyone is in a little bit different place in the healing process. You will find caring and support here. Welcome. Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#31218 - 03/24/05 02:13 AM Re: Why do I feel nothing?
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
David - I don't think that we forget what has happened, I believe that we bury it deep inside & that eventually it will always make it's return to the surface.

Someone once described to me how 'boils' work. It's an infection within the bloodstream that forms potential 'volcanoes' around the body. If the infection is not cleared, the boil sometimes fails to erupt and moves to another location on the body. If it never erupts and dispenses the puss, then the boil remains forever.

It's a bit like us keeping the abuse to ourselves - it just keeps on festering until we can't stand it anymore & everyone gets covered in puss (or we stay festered).

I'm also from the UK & was abused in late 1969 - I buried/ignored it until very recently. I know now that I always had thoughts about it, but didn't know what to do about them. I had a breakdown December 2003 - I am now taking my perpetrator to court.

I have had little thought about him for many years - now I am extremely angry about what he did.

David - you will find many answers on this site / you will probably also have many questions from what you read here.

If you find answers please tell us...if you have questions..please ask us.

We're all here for the same reason.

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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