Newest Members
GKB, MorganWut, myrlin, AaronS, BookHouseBoy
12465 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cyrus (44), Dupe1978 (36), James_Is_Talking (36), K-man (58), LordShiningStarr (36), ricky (51), Shawn Hope (29), teresa (42), Warner82 (32)
Who's Online
1 registered (Logan), 23 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12465 Members
74 Forums
63998 Topics
446694 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#312396 - 11/30/09 02:26 PM Re: Help for my son abused by stepfather [Re: LMBrim]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 823
Loc: Ohio
Good luck to you Laura, feel free to keep us posted or even start new threads to learn how to deal with things. Your son may well only prefer female therapists. I have always had male Ts but after remembering the abuse have been talking to a female who has been better for me. Keep looking and your son would be more than welcome here. That he has stood up to stop it and is seeking help is an excellent sign that he will turn out OK. What is very important is that you don't let him blame himself for the actions of a mature, rational adult against a child. It is also important that you don't blame yourself. Abusers are often very devious and as you read through other threads you can learn why your situation is not uncommon and how they do it. You are not stupid and you are not a bad parent. There is only one person responsible for the abuse and that is the abuser. You are doing the right things in believing your son, dealing with it, not sweeping it under the rug and hoping it will go away and seeking good advice.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Top
#312408 - 11/30/09 03:47 PM Re: Help for my son abused by stepfather [Re: LMBrim]
Dusty Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: LMBrim
My husband was always jealous of my son and remarked lots of times about how my son always came first and "oh your precious boy" . There is a part of me that feels that he abused my son because of this as a way to prove that he held the power, not I or the "precious" child. Lord only knows what actually goes through the mind of an abuser, I don't get it.


CSA is definatly about power, however he abused his son because he wanted to, the stuff about your precious son was a smoke screen to put you off the scent & therefore you had no indirect imput and are blameless.
Perps always blame whomever they can to justify their actions, even the victims, I said in my previous post that you would not have married him if you knew his intentions. And from your actions I am sure that you would have intervened if you thought he was abusing your son.
You are doing the right thing by supporting your son.


Top
#312429 - 11/30/09 08:18 PM Re: Help for my son abused by stepfather [Re: Dusty Boy]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Hi Laura:

I have more than a few alarm bells going off in my head right now, so I hope you don't mind my jumping in here. But before I do, I'd like to say I think you are handling this amazingly well. Good for you! Just be sure to remember to care for yourself as well. This is tough stuff for sure.

Ok my alarm bells. First off, I live in another country than you, so much of this may be culturally based for me. But given the small arsenal your ex seems to be (1) comfortable carrying, (2) allowed to carry I have to ask if he himself was not also abused when younger in some way. While it may be more culturally acceptable, and permissable in the laws of your country to carry concealed weapons, in my world one would have to have an absolutely exceptional reason to do so.

Second: This is also an assumption on my part, but would a carry permit be issued to an alleged perp if the allegation were known? I'm asking this as I simply don't know. If an allegation were made, would the carry permit be withdrawn? I think you can see where I am going with this. I'm just trying to think of ways to stay safe.

Third: Do you think your son is the only victim? What about your son's friends? This concern, and the next one having me thinking that somewhere, in all this upheaval, is a role for your Child Prtective Services people. I realize that your son is now 18. But in your jurisdiction, does that preclude CPS from having a role?

Forth and last! Has your ex gravitated toward another relatiuonship with another woman with young boys? Being an old child welfare employee myself, I can't help but wonder that, having been caught out, your ex is now planning his next move.

My apologies if this seems to pile the shit higher and deeper on you. But this is what forums such as this are intended to create. New ideas. New thoughts. And in this case, new concerns. All of which I think point to the need for the police and or CPS to become involved.

Young men can, and do disclose, and take legal action. Here is an example recently where young men in a high school had their day in court, and won against a teacher who has been abusing them for years. Maybe this will help your son to realize he is not alone, and can take back the control that was robbed from him.

Hang in there Mum!

Jim
http://www.thepeterboroughexaminer.com/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=2195902

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

Top
#312434 - 11/30/09 08:54 PM Re: Help for my son abused by stepfather [Re: Geeders]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 823
Loc: Ohio
Geeders,

Second point is a valid one. I am a CCW holder in Ohio and involved with the legal profession and YES, the law is explicit that upon such a charge and with a temporary restraining order, he must surrender his permit and guns. This will be a dangerous initial period and she needs to warn the police of any past statements promising violence and a list of weapons he has and is trained with would be helpful. Laura, be careful in the initial time especially because if he were to make good on such threats the initial time is the most likely.

Catfish



Edited by catfish86 (11/30/09 08:55 PM)
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Top
#312930 - 12/04/09 09:20 AM Re: Help for my son abused by stepfather [Re: catfish86]
LMBrim Offline


Registered: 11/27/09
Posts: 5
Hi everybody! Time for an update.
Talked to the divorce lawyer who said start the abuse case first. Had an HIV test which was negative, so am feeling like my son's would be neg. too hopefully (he's doesn't want to test).
I am feeling a little better about the circumstances of the case but trying not to get my hopes up too high. We (me & son's father)have had preliminary talks with the detectives and a lawyer and they are positive that they can charge & hopefully convict.
I was also able to contact the first wife my husband had and had an eye-opening conversation with her. You guys hit the nail on the head. She confirmed that he had told her that he was abused when he was young. But the real kicker here......he abused her daughter as well. This was 11 years ago (we have a 12yr statute)and she now says that her daughter is ready and will testify against him. The daughter actually opened up to the mother and told more of what had happened to her all those years ago. Apparently the daughter would've wanted him punished then, but didn't think that her mom believed in her fully and wasn't sure she would stand by her. (Now that mom is feeling bad after all these years again - hated to do that to her)
My husband actually has had a few meetings with that first wife during our marriage that I knew nothing about. At one of these he admitted to her the prior act with her daughter did happen. He told her he was having problems in our marriage & wasn't happy, said he had problems getting along with my son....etc.(All the normal bullcrap - he was probably trying to get into her pants - who knows)
After being filled in with lots & lots of incredible stories...I feel that I have been living a lie for that last ten years. This man has led quite a different life than he ever portrayed to me. And has led a whole other life even while married to me. I understand now how he flew in under my radar, but it still doesn't make it much easier to know my son got hurt because of it.
The really good news though is that my son now feels better knowing that this daughter (now age 27) is going to stand up for him and herself because of what happened to her. I think he feels that it gave him some power back over what my husband did to him and that he isn't alone and it wasn't his fault. Nothing I was able to say or do for him has had such a profound effect on his mood like telling him about the other child(now adult). My son is now ready and confident to talk to the detectives and go forward. We have a meeting on Monday.
Which brings me to the safety issue. We will be making it clear to the police of the threats to "take as many of them out & everybody else if they come to arrest him". I am hoping that will start some process to take away his CCW & surrender guns or that they will give out some sort of restraining order. I'm not sure exactly what the authorities do in this case.
I now have my own gun in the house and have changed the locks/codes and have an alarm. Our police department has a policy of keeping a close watch on the house & makes 1 call a day to my phone to make sure everything is alright. Not much I guess.....if he wants to get to us he will....I think we all know that. I can only do what I know is right, go forward to try to get him off the streets to not hurt anyone else, and pray that God can keep us safe.
Geeders, to answer a couple of your points....we don't know how many other's he has hurt (I don't think it was any of my son's friends, he was too busy with my son), I'm sure there are others from other times in his life though. Both of his marriages were to older women (we were 11 years older than him)with kids. He never wanted his own kids. So obviously he searches for us either consciously or subconsciously. Also, because my son turned 18 two months ago, our childrens services & advocacy groups could not get involved (I wish we could've done this 6 months ago - my son wasn't ready though). As for your 4th point, my husband is living with his mother and I have a hard time keeping tabs on him, but would like to watch to see if there is any way I could warn/help anyone else that may get involved with him. I am hoping that they will put him in jail and we won't have to worry about it. His behavior has escalated I believe and it worries me that he may find kids (seems to like teens) in other ways at this point. We need him off the streets!
I am hoping to have a quiet weekend because who knows what next week will bring. I don't know how fast these cases proceed, the detective said she would tell us what to expect on Monday.
I thank you all for your concerns and awesome advice, especially about things my son may be feeling/thinking, as I can't really put myself in his/your shoes.....only know how it feels to be the wife of the abuser & mom of the abused.
Although I'm still scared, I at least have some hope now and feel if nothing more.....we have taken some of the power away from the perp and given it back to my son. Now if we can get past this part and find some measurable peace, I think we may just find a way to live again.

Peace.......for all,
Laura


Top
#312940 - 12/04/09 11:25 AM Re: Help for my son abused by stepfather [Re: LMBrim]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 823
Loc: Ohio
Thanks for the update Laura.

With CSA, the gender of the victim doesn't really matter to the abuser because it is really about power and the exercise/abuse of it. Bravo to you for your work. It is in time for justice for all that you know of. You sound like a prudent and level headed woman. I would be proud to call you mom. Do not let the doubt and self-blame get you. It is like a gazelle blaming themselves for lions getting them. Lions are born predators with instincts honed for the hunt and kill. Abusers are often the same way. Remember your son was not the first, he is good and practiced at it. You are welcome here and anything we can do to help you prevent another victim or deal with you or your son's pain, please do not hesitate to ask.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Top
#313049 - 12/05/09 11:30 AM Re: Help for my son abused by stepfather [Re: LMBrim]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Well Laura, you have done a lot of incredible work here. Well done. And please, don't beat yourself up about living a lie. It was your husband's lie, not yours.

I am glad that our words to you have been of some assistance. Please give your son our equally heartfelt best wishes for the days ahead, as they will be tough for sure. I am glad that he doesn't feel as alone in this anymore although I am saddened to learn of another victim. This must be sheer hell for all of you.

Please keep us posted.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

Top
#313962 - 12/11/09 01:58 AM Re: Help for my son abused by stepfather [Re: Geeders]
LMBrim Offline


Registered: 11/27/09
Posts: 5
Hi again,
Sorry it took so long to update, things have been crazy. The detectives sent me in undercover to record my husband tonight. It couldn't have gone much better on tape, he admitted to almost everything. He blamed me and my son and was just completely twisted and nasty. I have never seen such anger & hate for me, like a completely different person/monster. He was arrested on the spot a couple of hours ago. I hope that they can keep him in jail until trial. They seemed to think they had a good case without the undercover evidence so I am hoping this is the clincher. Still many unknown & fearful nights ahead I am afraid. My son didn't know that they were sending me in undercover and for whatever reason he is upset with me tonight even though he is more than ready to go to court. I am hoping he was just worried. I guess we will have many a year of counseling ahead of us. Hopefully we will have gotten one more predator off the streets though. Let's hope he goes away for a looooong time.
Thanks for all the support, I'm not sure I could've done it without you all. Kiss your significant other, hug your kids, give the dog a bone, have a drink on me.....you guys deserve it.
Love to all.
Peace,
Laura


Top
#313983 - 12/11/09 08:58 AM Re: Help for my son abused by stepfather [Re: LMBrim]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 823
Loc: Ohio
GOOD JOB!

Way to stand up for yourself and your son. At some point we have to trust the system to do its job.

Your son's reaction is not that surprising. A couple of reasons. He is scared everyone will know. That is a danger but not a reason not to stand up. Typically, the police will say something non-de>


Edited by catfish86 (12/11/09 09:56 AM)
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Top
#313997 - 12/11/09 11:39 AM Re: Help for my son abused by stepfather [Re: LMBrim]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
wow!!...that is incredible....this might sound a little creepy but im actually thrilled that he got arrested and that you were able to get evidence on tape,...perhaps im a little to thrilled to be honest, but i get like that when i see the bad guys get busted. i hope things continue to work in your favor and you and your son get the justice you desrve.

_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.