I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this, but I'll give it a shot anyway. If there's a more appropriate forum to post it in, please let me know.
It's been about ten months since I last dated a woman. The longest period of time I went without dating was five years, between the ages of 18 and 23.
The last girl I was with was pretty much like all the rest; she was suffering from mental illness. More specifically, she had bipolar disorder, and was a big time nymphomaniac ( I hate using that term, but the proper term is escaping me right now.) Most of my ex-girlfriends either had bipolar disorder, or some similar condition. This is sort of a general pattern i've noticed in my life. I tend to date crazy girls.
As it turns out, I have PTSD, myself, and I'm pretty sure it's the complex form, as my sexual, childhood trauma was not the only traumatizing experience in my life. There are many, but I won't list them here. I was sexually abused by a female doctor, I think I may have been sexually abused by older girls in kindergarten, I was physically abused by a female teacher in Catholic school in grade four, and through out elementary and high school I was completely socially ostracized up until grade twelve, and girls generally would never go near me. Even if I tried talking to them, if I could muster up the courage, I was rejected every time, and many times I was made to be the laughing stock of my class as a result.
An added complication was my late language acquisition. I was deaf up until grade one, and only started speaking properly until about grade two. No one, prior to being able to speak, taught me sign language. This led to me having a near total lack of comprehension when it came to verbal and bodily social cues. I still have this problem, and indeed, I find this interferes with my ability to communicate with woman.
Needless to say, I've grown tired of all these complications. I've become completely mistrustful of most women. I am no longer suffering from hopelessness or loneliness, but every once in a while, I get this pang for something that I just can't get while I'm single. Sometimes it's just the desire for sex. Other times it's just the desire to touch someone, or to have that inexplicable rapport with them.
Currently, I'm not interested in anything long term, I'm not looking to get married, or have children. I'm thirty one as of yesterday, and I feel no desire for relationships that are constricted by such imposing terms. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm simply wanting to open up to someone. I want someone to know me like only a lover can. But I don't trust most women enough to believe that there is a women out there that would have the patience, empathy, and degree of selflessness she would probably require to be able to be in a relationship with me. Whenever I see men and women in relationships, whether in real life, or on television, or movies, or books, it seems as though it's the man who comes riding in, with all his baggage sorted, and sweeps the helpless little girl off her feet, and saves her from her emotional turmoil. I often get the feeling that most women fantasize about this, that this is actually what they want. But it's not something I can't provide, right now. I've got to much of my own stuff to figure out before I pursue anything with a woman. Sometimes I even feel as though I couldn't bare to hurt someone who I care about, and I feel as though this is inevitable, because of my emotional immaturity.
I've also often seen women being incredibly demanding, self centered, and controlling with their men. It's as if we're all p*ssy whipped, and have been given gag orders by the feminists and man haters. I have no interest in having to take the blame for everything, to be expected to change without the woman reciprocating. I see my buddies giving into the women they are dating, no one's willing to put their foot down, and all of them are becoming disappointed, as a result. I have absolutely no interest in this. If modern, western women in general are expecting men who are as quiet and well trained as their pocket dogs, then I'd rather be single.
At least I've now come to the realization that I don't need a woman in my life in order to be happy. This is one bit of wisdom I find very empowering.
If anyone could give me ideas, advice, or tools that I could use to overcome this anxiety around women and dating, or if you think I should even bother with it at all, please let me know.
Edited by BigV (11/25/09 08:03 PM)