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#311506 - 11/23/09 11:34 AM arrgh
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
i just want to scream shout, not cry it doesnt derserve for me to cry, i wanna cause some pain and say look look what youve done to me.. but calm no thats why im typing this i didnt want to do anything that i would regret so typing its too control me.

mum is driving me up the wall its so hard to breathe, she goes blistic whyy you causing all this fuss why you getting so angry blah blah blah i just want to scream at her and say sod off you have no idea what im going through and your causing all this stupid shit cause you think your problems are always the end of the fucking world but anybody else's is just meaningless. then she comes and tell me why you react so badly to anyone saying anything to you, like im a 5 year old and has to be beaten to learn and sit on the naughty step and think about what ive done, i dont need this kind of rubbish from her.

school cancelled on me too so i dont even have a excuse to get out of the flat now, i was kind of wanting to go i prepared myself for it. i cant handle sitting here with andrew on the other room all day.

i dont get it how can she do this to me even through the fucking phone, she doesnt have to be here to make me go crazy, its just pick the phone and call, thats all the power she has over my sanity. she phoned me this morning shes got nothing to do she talks to me and i dont know what to say i want to say its my fault it is my fault.

this past week or so i have been feeling like my method of self harm isnt enough, it doesnt do what it is supposed to any more. if i was in a healthy place that might be what i needed to stop...but no.. i had stopped for two fucking months but all this toll people are putting over me with nothing to do to unplug my mind is making me go insane.

its because i dont hurt enough, things i have never considered doing before flash through my head. i used to consider harming on different parts of my body repulsive, then i crossed that line. now im so close to crossing my methods line, which is a lot more scary than doing it elsewhere.

the fear has kept me harm free for 6 days but i can feel my intolerance lowering and i came so close to crossing the line today.

im trying not to be angry im trying to calm trying not to say or do anything stupid.. thank god for this site it has calmed me slightly. im sorry for the rant!

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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#311508 - 11/23/09 11:56 AM Re: arrgh [Re: user2007]
boylikeme Offline


Registered: 08/10/09
Posts: 546
Loc: hell
dont be sorry for the rant.. rants are great.. rants help.. rants make u be able to breathe again.. i like rants!

u kno u got friends here n we r all willing to listen

n u could still bath in milkshakes...hehe

_________________________
Everybody’s screaming - I try to make a sound but no one hears me (Untitled - Simple Plan)

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#311514 - 11/23/09 01:08 PM Re: arrgh [Re: user2007]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
JM, i makes me feel kinda sick to see a post so full of angst like this. i am very sorry that you are hurting like this.

you already know to take advantage of your recovery tools, and you have done well by purging and posting here.

i too am struggling with letting go of some negative thoughts these days, but they seem to follow me wherever i go. i keep trying to remind myself that holding them in my mind just keeps reinforcing them. i try to change my consciousness by changing my body chemistry in healthy ways: going for a brisk walk; patting myself sharply all over from head to toe, writing about things in my journal.

it's hard, but if you can hang onto one thing, let it be, this too shall pass.....yes, pass it will, like a kidneystone.... but nonetheless, it will pass; and hopefully, sooner rather than later. i hope you soon make it to the shores of peace.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#311524 - 11/23/09 03:32 PM Re: arrgh [Re: Sans Logos]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, J_M

You are showing yourself and this is awesome.

You have shown humor and joy and also dispare.

NEVER be sorry for a rant or have a feeling. Own then because it is you.

TAke a deep breath and know your a good guy.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#311529 - 11/23/09 04:32 PM Re: arrgh [Re: DJsport]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey J,

Please by all means rant and not harm. Rant here 50, 100 times a day, and hour, whatever, but do that instead of harming yourself...or at least first and see how you feel.

You're strong J.

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#311560 - 11/24/09 01:46 AM Re: arrgh [Re: sono]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2453
Loc: TEXAS
My fraternal brother.

I like in my post to a new member tell them that here they will get compassion, understanding and love.

My brother, i beg of you to try and get those thoughts out of your mind about "harming yourself". Give yourself an emotional way out.
Come here, rant, rage, screem & holler. Try and not let those thoughts consume you. (easier said than done). I know personally.

I turned myself into a mental health facility, when i let everything consume me, and i thought there was no way out.
I was at the gates of hell.

Seek help, there is no shame in doing so.

Come on my brother, we will someday, finally get the serenity & peace that we boys/men so richly deserve.

We cannot afford to let our abusers win.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity".

Heal my fraternal brother J, heal well.

Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose).



Edited by petercorbett (11/24/09 01:47 AM)
Edit Reason: spelling
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#311599 - 11/24/09 12:14 PM Re: arrgh [Re: petercorbett]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
I've been reading this a few times before I replied. I dont really know why... Thank you so much everyone for support, means so much right now.

Things have been rough (I'm so tired of saying that), and long story short, after raging here alone for weeks no end, I did it today.

Oddly, I'm not upset about it. It felt good. I know I'm not upset right now because I'm still in the "high buzz" phase, and later I will regret this and know it isn't good for me, but right now...I don't.

I am going nowhere, my life seems to be going nowhere. My father looks at me with that 'none short perfection will do' look everytime I fail, my mother manages to craze me from the other side of the Atlantic, my cousin smirks at me all the fucking time making me wonder how long the 'peace' will last, I can't have therapy, and....

I just wanted to be honest with someone, and tell them what I did. No one wants to hear about it in my real life, they're just very busy dealing with theirs, maybe I deserve that. I don't know. I fuck up a lot in everything. I usually dont like to talk about it but maybe I'm turning into an attention seeker, and that makes me feel like a child. I don't want to be a child but seems like i cant put myself under control anymore, I know I'll be feeling like shit in a couple of hours.

I just want them to know here here I fucking bleed cant you see?

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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#311600 - 11/24/09 12:18 PM Re: arrgh [Re: user2007]
boylikeme Offline


Registered: 08/10/09
Posts: 546
Loc: hell
hm.. maybe ure an attention seeker... or maybe u found a place where u feel safe to talk.. n ppl to trust...

i dont have any advice.. but i wanna give u this n want u to keep it around for when u feel like shit,k

(((((((((((((((J))))))))))))))))

_________________________
Everybody’s screaming - I try to make a sound but no one hears me (Untitled - Simple Plan)

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#311604 - 11/24/09 12:48 PM Re: arrgh [Re: user2007]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
I just want them to know here here I fucking bleed cant you see


i just wrote about this is my journal the other day, regarding my family's 'shut the fuk up and leave me alone' response:

me: look, i have a boo boo
them: it's nothing.....only a scratch....go out and play er something

pretty typical idiotic response if you ask me. not meaning to make matters worse, but just to let you know someone else 'gets it' [even if and when the people you expect to be there to give you emotional support, fail you miserably].

lately, i've realized that my family's approval has been my drug of choice all these years. that is all about to change.

it really sux that you're still dependent on them. what else can you do? sorry buddy that it has to be this way for now. sick hang in there and keep working toward independence. once you're free of the situation things will be brighter.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#311606 - 11/24/09 12:53 PM Re: arrgh [Re: boylikeme]
J1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 137
Loc: Missouri
I have been through these gates as well. Even with friends and a great T, I get to some very rough spots. For me, I have learned that several things help push me onward.
One, I try to change my surroundings to somewhere safe, but out of my normal area. Perhaps a new cinema, mall or park...and not for cruising..just to reflect. Next, I pick up some ink pens and a pad of paper, and draw...scribble, write something impulsive but funny..and it is only for me. next i make sure I get to a gym, take a walk or have some alone quiet time..that means no tv, phone or vital issues..just sit quietly and think about being alive and not in a war zone or prison cell or somewhere worse....

just some things that work for me..stay with us...it somehow sorts out and getting the madness out of your head and soul is vital...
Hug
jeff


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#311617 - 11/24/09 05:26 PM Re: arrgh [Re: Sans Logos]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Thanks Corey, for always being there when needed, for real. You always say you don't have advices but you're much better on that than you think.


Originally Posted By: Sans Logos
lately, i've realized that my family's approval has been my drug of choice all these years.


Ron that's true for me too, I've been raised with the purpose to meet certain expectations, and the moment I can't fullfill them I'm useless. So in that order I'm useless all the time because no matter what I do, it's never enough. I'm constantly walking on the edge. I don't know what else I can do.


Thanks for the suggestions Jeff, maybe I can try and start doodling again. Not even walking on the beach has made any improvement. I'm unbearable today.


Thanks you all for the support. You're the best.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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