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#311262 - 11/21/09 08:55 AM What ended your abuse?
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States

I ended the abuse by refusing to visit him anymore. For a while, I put up with his desire to be sexual with me because he also gave me "friendship" and let me hang out with him and read his comics (he had a nice collection of 60's Superman comics, Neal Adams artwork), let me play with his model train which occupied an entire room in his place, let me smoke his cigarettes, etc.

But......like I said, every time I went over there, I inevitably found myself in his bed with him. Somehow he always talked me into doing it.

One time, I tried to politely refuse, and he totally messed with my emotions by not talking to me and turning cold. He got ME to say "I'm sorry" to HIM for trying to refuse his advances. How nice.

Anyway........I got sick of all the bullshit that came with his "friendship" and simply stopped coming over.


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#311263 - 11/21/09 09:10 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: Hauser]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
My dad just went out of my life one day when I was 10 -- and I didn't see him again until I was a teenager, and bigger than him. That's what ended my abuse. He has a bad habit of running, even today. I'm not really sure where he went but I'm sure he went to isolate and go on drinking binges and feel sorry for himself. It's possible he was homeless. Who knows.

It's so strange, even as a teen I felt most of the fury at him because he vanished without a call or letter or anything for like 4 years, not because he abused me for a decade. Weird.

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#311266 - 11/21/09 09:39 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: AndyJB2005]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hi again Andy. Good to see you!

That's sad about your father........:(

What's the deal with these guys that have kids and then don't want to be a parent, let alone a non-abusive parent?


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#311267 - 11/21/09 09:46 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: Hauser]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Hey, man -- good to see you, too. smile

My dad is too psychotic (literally been diagnosed, not just saying) to be a deadbeat dad. In my opinion, he can't be held to the same standards as normal people because it's likely he's still a child in his own head. He doesn't have the ability to take care of himself let alone kids.

But I never did live with him anyway (grew up with my grandparents until 11 1/2, then my mom's house), but I did see him often on visits -- which is when he'd abuse me.

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#311269 - 11/21/09 10:09 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: AndyJB2005]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11087
Loc: Denver, CO
I wonder if "separation" is a key theme in many endings of abuse. Abuse from my mother came in several forms. I would part of the crap ended simply with time, as I got bigger than her. The emotional abuse ended when I finally moved out - lotsa miles between us.

Separation. Cutting off the connection. Even killing the relationship in some cases.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#311273 - 11/21/09 10:24 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: AndyJB2005]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hauser and Andy,

I get what your saying.

*****triggering******

I ended the advances of my perp in the bedroom of my grandma's house at age 12 I think.

He was on furlough from the Marines - he was 19 at the time.

He wanted to show me the cool tatoo he got so, he said come here. I thought wtf it is on your arm but went anyway. It had been 2 years since I had seen him and I was almost as big as he was. As soon as we were behind the bedroom door he had his member out and had his hand on my waist of my pants.

I turned around and stated "you touch me again and your member is going in the pail with the bulls nuts". He stated ooooo just try and reached from my pants again. I grabbed his member-balls and squeezed so hard he started to cough. I yanked on them as well as squeezed them. He begged ME to stop. I let go and he ran.

Thanks for the thread Hauser.

DJ



Edited by DJsport (11/21/09 10:25 AM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#311280 - 11/21/09 10:35 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: FormerTexan]
Moortje Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/20/09
Posts: 104
Loc: Oregon
The sexual abuse from my grandfather from the ages of 7-9 ended when we moved out of our house in California (where he lived with us) to Oregon, and he moved back to his native New Mexico, where he died some years later.

The sexual abuse from my older cousin from the ages of 13-16 was extremely bad, he was much bigger than me and was also very, very violent towards me. He harmed me severely on a few occasions. But it ended when, after having had the responsibility and "blame" for the acts that he perpetrated constantly thrust upon me for the entire duration, something snapped. It was completely unspoken. I suddenly realized I wasn't going to take it anymore, he instantly knew I wasn't going to take it anymore. I could no longer pay the price he demanded for his friendship. It finally reached a point where I realized how little his "friendship" was ever worth. I realized I never meant anything to him, beyond his uses for me. He was no longer invited to my social events and knew to avoid me at family functions.

So, in my experience, the first abuse experience ended only because of a physical separation, but the second was different. Neither of us were moving anywhere, but I'd be damned if our paths were going to cross again if I could help it.

~Matty



Edited by Moortje (11/21/09 10:37 AM)

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#311281 - 11/21/09 10:37 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: DJsport]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1133
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
I got fed up and told him after a boy scout meeting that I would not go over his house anymore (in essence, we were through).

*********** triggers *********

He then grabbed me, forced me into the woods and had me one last time.

The next day I fought him at lunch time at school (this was 7th grade). It was quickly broken up by a teacher. I was given a choice of 3 paddles or 3 days suspension. I took the paddles.

I saw him in the principal's office and he looked at me like he was going to kill me (playing with his comb like it was a switchblade). I just gave him a dirty look back.

I did not see him again for many years until one semester at community college. i suspect that he got expelled from school. he was quite a trouble making bully type.

Jim



Edited by Jim1961 (11/21/09 10:39 AM)
Edit Reason: trigger warning
_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#311283 - 11/21/09 11:14 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: Jim1961]
jbh8 Offline


Registered: 10/29/09
Posts: 94


Edited by jbh8 (02/20/13 04:05 PM)

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#311287 - 11/21/09 11:19 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: jbh8]
seeker43 Offline


Registered: 06/12/09
Posts: 34
Loc: jalisco, mexico
The first round ended when my father had an argument with my uncle at dinner one night and he was no longer welcome in our house or around any of us. The second round (intense acting out with various perpetrators) ended when I reached ninth grade and got real busy with extracuricular activities and trying desperately to fit in with the popular crowd. Also had my first real crush that year, that may have had something to do with it.

Scott


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#311289 - 11/21/09 11:33 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: seeker43]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Great topic Allen.

I ended my abuse by just finally saying NO!!!!!!!!!!

Loud and clear.

I don't remember it exactly but I do think part of it was similar to Allen and gradually just avoiding him.

But I believe I also said a big NO to him. I think it was empowering to finally just stand up to that fucker who used me.


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#311296 - 11/21/09 12:31 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: seeker43]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
I was discharged from the US Army . By abuse was caused by an (E-7) that was in charge of the battalion personell office.

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#311300 - 11/21/09 01:45 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
My sexual abuse ended on the same night it happened, when my mother walked into the bedroom (where me and my father were) just after I had been sexually abused by him. She knew from what I told her what had happened and then told him about it the next morning. He never did it again.

Take care Allen and guys,

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#311302 - 11/21/09 02:34 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: Casmir213]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
My neighbor just left when i was 8. He moved away with his Dad.

My second perp went to jail for armed robbery when I was 14 to 15ish.

Logan



Edited by Logan (11/21/09 02:44 PM)
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#311307 - 11/21/09 03:28 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: Logan]
boylikeme Offline


Registered: 08/10/09
Posts: 546
Loc: hell
my parents split up n my mum moved us to germany... still had email contact with my person for a while.. but it got less n less n then just stopped.. guess im not that interesting when its just words on a screen

_________________________
Everybody’s screaming - I try to make a sound but no one hears me (Untitled - Simple Plan)

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#311309 - 11/21/09 03:34 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: boylikeme]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
My first perp's abuse ended that same night he raped me. My second perp's abuse ended the night my dad walked in on us acting out. That was difficult to say but I feel better now.


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#311315 - 11/21/09 04:11 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: nevragan]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
The former gym teacher came back. His two-and-a-half-year replacement was let go. The abuse stopped randomly, and so my life was spared randomly. Weird to think about.


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#311320 - 11/21/09 05:26 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: Bewlayb1]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 861
Loc: washington
This may sound stupid...but the answer for me is...time.


Time (Pink Floyd)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#311321 - 11/21/09 05:36 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: 1islandboy]
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
The neighbor that abused me for 3+ years moved away when I was 8.
Happy day, but then my mother took me to visit him one more. That
was the last time he abused me.

Dale


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#311322 - 11/21/09 05:41 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: Hauser]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I was a kid living on the streets when it was happening. One day I simply lost contact with him. I remember though months afterward feeling terrified that I was going to run into him again. Just recently I was reminded of him at work. I work in a homeless shelter and a new intake came that resembled him a little bit, which needless to say was triggering. I couldn't wonder how I would react if it was him.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#311335 - 11/21/09 07:56 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: jls]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
I don't remember how it ended. I absolutely have no clue how it stopped. My best guess is that things happened about three or so occasions but I don't know for sure. The only real clear thing I remember is that night it started, though I have bits and pieces throughout what occurred.

After it all began I know I became a more willing participant but I don't remember how any of the other times started or what was discussed. I repressed the whole thing for like five years and there is stuff I just don't think I'll ever know.

I stayed friends with this person through high school and even saw him a couple times after I remembered my first year in college. I didn't really understand the nature of what happened at the time and really I just wanted all the memories to go away. I never mentioned anything to him. My guess is he never forgot. I have not seen this person in over fifteen years.

Eric


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#311337 - 11/21/09 08:15 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: ericc]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I remember the most from when it started also. Like you, it felt like I was becoming more of a willing participant as time went on. The rest is a blur. Now I am able to see this as him grooming me. Whenever I tried to stop it he made comparisions between what we were doing and younger kids that he said he'd been with, which I find disturbing to this day.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


Top
#311343 - 11/21/09 10:45 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: jls]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
First three... they moved! Huge dysfunctional military family finally got transferred!!

4th.... she got annoyed that I was being silly (I was uncomfortable and nervous and what else does an 8 year old do...?) and left. Course that left me feeling bad because she was mad at me.

5th, for some reason one day he up and made it clear we couldn't be "friends" anymore. I don't know what I hate him more for. The fact that he raped me or the fact that he then just threw me away.


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#311351 - 11/22/09 12:06 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: JustScott]
mrrecovery Offline


Registered: 07/22/08
Posts: 80
great question...I don't remember exactly...I recently did a meditation exercise with my T where I tried to envision the actual abuse...an incident came up where my abuser asked me to "play" and I refused...i think that i refused a few more times and then the invitations stopped.

_________________________
WoR Alumni - Mysthaven Nov 7-9, 2008; Advanced WoR - Alta Sept 11-13, 2009, Mike Lew Victims No Longer Workshop 2010, Malesurvivor International Conference 2010

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#311352 - 11/22/09 12:29 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: mrrecovery]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
1. My family moved.
2. My family moved.
3. German measles and then family moved.
4. My family moved.
5. camp lasted 2 weeks and then it was over

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#311353 - 11/22/09 12:30 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: mrrecovery]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

For me the sexual & physical abuse from my "mother" stopped when i went into that orphanage/Home. At age 10. But the emotional & mental abuse continued unabated until i left for the Air Force on my 17th birthday.

From Ralph & those strangers it went on untill, we/i moved from Boston to the country. I was then 14 yrs old.

Heal well my fraternal brothers, heal well.

Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose).

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#311354 - 11/22/09 12:34 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: DJsport]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: DJsport
at age 12 he was 19 at the time.
...
I turned around and stated "you touch me again and your member is going in the pail with the bulls nuts". He stated ooooo just try and reached from my pants again. I grabbed his member-balls and squeezed so hard he started to cough. I yanked on them as well as squeezed them. He begged ME to stop. I let go and he ran.


DJ that's a really good one!!

Allen

pufferfish smile


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#311356 - 11/22/09 01:04 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: pufferfish]
alan55 Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
My perp moved away when I was 7. He had abused me for a couple of years. We lived next door and I was 5 when it started, and like I said, it stopped when he moved when I was 7. As we all know here, the damage has been done for the rest of our lives.


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#311454 - 11/22/09 09:18 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: alan55]
Riley Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 597
Loc: USA
I'm glad to see alot of you had the courage to stop it on your own, good for you guys. My brother just kind of stopped when I was 13. The frequency slowed down and then one time he just stopped, I never said anything, he never said anything. It kind of bothered me, I had no sense of closure.

Unfortunately, when he stopped so did any kind of attention, so I started acting out and causing trouble to get attention that way.


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#311474 - 11/23/09 01:48 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: Riley]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
The physically/mentally abusive mom's husband is still married to her, I guess I got away from that when I left the house in my mid teens and refused to go back.

The first perp disappeared and probably had a fake name. He quit hurting me once he gave me over to the "group", never saw him again.

The "group" stayed anonymous and hurt me the most by far, I still don't know exactly how many were involved but it was a lot, they were extremely organized in what they were doing. I don't know how or when things stopped with them.

The priest was the last, I don't know for sure if it was at the same time the others were hurting me or just after. I kind of think things started with him before the others were done with me though, don't know that it matters much. I learned a few years ago from my doctor doing some research that the priest was murdered by someone. That's kind of the only info that ever came about.

I don't remember how things originally ended, I just had no memory of anything throughout high school, I had other problems just trying to get through school and taking care of myself. I was homeless by my senior year and graduated that way.

Everyone got away with the things they did to me, there's nothing I'll be able to do about that. I wish I knew how everything ended back then so that I could have some kind of idea of how to make it end now.


_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#312244 - 11/29/09 11:10 AM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: usmc97]
dave39 Offline


Registered: 08/25/08
Posts: 3
Loc: USA - MO
we moved away and it stopped- i was 9 and he was in his 30s a neighbor - of my grandparents


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#312255 - 11/29/09 12:48 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: dave39]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
What ended the abuse? I got mad and told him "YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!" It never happened again after that day.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#312257 - 11/29/09 01:04 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Chemical Offline


Registered: 11/29/09
Posts: 11
I left home at eighteen and havent been alone with him since. After my kids were born I have barely spoken to him, and I wont go near him.


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#312413 - 11/30/09 04:39 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: Chemical]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
I just refused his advances and would not allow him to get too close physically. I think he may have been afraid that I may tell someone.Plus he had another kid that he also abuse in my class.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#312432 - 11/30/09 08:37 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: dave39]
zb420 Offline


Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 251
.



Edited by zb420 (12/14/09 09:51 PM)

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#312543 - 12/01/09 01:33 PM Re: What ended your abuse? [Re: DJsport]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: DJsport


*****triggering******

I ended the advances of my perp in the bedroom of my grandma's house at age 12 I think.

He was on furlough from the Marines - he was 19 at the time.

He wanted to show me the cool tatoo he got so, he said come here. I thought wtf it is on your arm but went anyway. It had been 2 years since I had seen him and I was almost as big as he was. As soon as we were behind the bedroom door he had his member out and had his hand on my waist of my pants.

I turned around and stated "you touch me again and your member is going in the pail with the bulls nuts". He stated ooooo just try and reached from my pants again. I grabbed his member-balls and squeezed so hard he started to cough. I yanked on them as well as squeezed them. He begged ME to stop. I let go and he ran.



Until now the hardest part of what happened next was other boys calling me "faggot" and my running away.

I am awed by all of you.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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