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#3139 - 09/20/02 05:30 AM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
fisher Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/30/02
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
Hi guys!

Thank you so much for the support and understanding!

I have been kinda busy, so I just wanted to pop in and say hello to you all and to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Fisher,,,,,,,,,,,,


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#3140 - 09/29/02 05:47 AM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
fisher Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/30/02
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
Ok everyone,

It's 1:30 am and I can't sleep. Ever sence I have not only confrunted what happned to me from ages 10 to 15+, I have had to confront my own self! Im fucked up and for that I have nothing to say.
Ever sence I started looking at myself, what I whent through as a child and the effects it had on me than (why i acted like I did) and now in my relationship with my wife and family.
I have become very angry and unhappy now. I live every day with a memory of what happned to me and what I was like in my early adult life. Its fucked!
It seems to have ripped me off of the joy I once felt. I struggle with secret thoughts of sucide.
My wife says that ever sence I started dealing with these issues, I have become angry and depressed.
I find myself every day trying to understand my own self.
Is it possible that I am trying to hard to understand and what I really need to do is just let it go?
My wife said today that she thinks that me writting on this web site that I am doing nothing more than remembering. That maybe it is not good to keep dwelling on this and just move on.
I was molested by an older man next door when I was around ten. He sexualy brain washed me with money, lies and so much more. He would tell me that this is what people do that love each other! and so on and so on.....its fucked. I will post my full story in the next few days..to help you better understand.
Somethimes I wish that I was raped! Not slowly molested for years by a twisted man that ended up twiesting me for the rest of my life. Ass hole Merril!
Any way, just needed to vent.
I am affraid that my marriage may be falling apart and I am seperating myself from my family.
I love them so, I just want to be free from this !
Free to feel confident in who and what I am today!
I can tell you this..........
I am not the same man I was a decade ago!
It fucked,
My wife is a very sweet women who I think I am destroying!
The worst part is that I am distroying my own self and I afind myself welcoming death to be free........
If it was not for them, my son and my wife, I would have whent down that road long ago.
Being molested effects who you are.....what you are.......how you deal with things.......of maybe how you dont. It messes you up sexualy. It stunts your natual growth sexualy and makes you think like no other person that has not gone through such a thing as this. It's fucked..........
I am gettin older and I whant to enjoy life,,,not regret it!!!!
By for now..........
Venting,,,,,,,,

Fisher.........................


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#3141 - 09/29/02 09:30 AM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Hey Fisher,

I can not emphasize enough how I can empathize with your pain and frustration. One of my biggest problems with this abuse has been the amount of time I spend dwelling on it. While it does help quite a bit sometimes to just vent, there are times when it is simply debilitating. As abused persons, we can and do tend to engage in self-pity and think about negative things to let our frustrations out (somewhat like when I was little and people are mad at me, so I would think...you'll be really sorry if something bad happened to me. Then I think of all these horrible things, and then I feel better after I cried myself to self-pity). I don't know if it's partly a defense mechanism of sorts or simply a way to let out our emotions I think. Please understand, I am not as experienced in the healing process as some here, and maybe I have not seen enough of life yet (as one in his early 20's), but I will say that first off, what you are doing is as expected. How often we all do that...especially when this whole abuse issue first surfaced. The problem though is whether or not you are letting this abuse consume you. That is something you cannot do.

For instance, there are concrete issues in my life that I have to deal with--yes, the abuse has affected so many aspects of my life. Still, I refuse to give in to the notion that it has caused ALL the grief in my life. The point here is that you have to be careful that you deal with the abuse, not hide behind it. The best way of doing it, I think, is to focus on what you do know to be right...what you do know to be good things that will improve your life. I often ask myself...okay, so I am in this deep "doo-doo", what do I do now about it? Am I gonna sit here and sulk about it pretending it'll go away, or will I tackle it one by one.

I mean for you to have reached this far in your healing...to have survived all the things you have and yet have a family, the courage to write to us, etc., shows that you are a man of ability. You know yourself that you can get through this and KNOW how to resolve some of your issues. So, work on it. Don't worry too much about the abuse...put it in the back of your mind a sec, and focus on what you do know to be right and good. Sometimes, that little bit of time you take to do something else...to refocus...will help you resolve the issues that are involved in your abuse.

I mean it's like any other "job" you have to deal with. You reach a frustrating point...a "writer's block"...so what do you do? Work on something else for a little bit, then go back into it. I do not mean to belittle this issue, I am very much aware of how debilitating and irresistable it is sometimes to just think about the abuse. Still, you are much more than that. Yes, we are persons who were abused. BUT we are "persons" first with intellect, capacity for love, determination to not fail in our struggle, relationships with our family, friends...the point is we have other aspects of our lives as well. We can not define ourselves by the abuse.

Anyway, it's early and I apologize if what I say simply seems like meaningless drivel, but it's all I can think of to say for now. The point is...we'll all go through our ups and downs...and rather than keep thinking of how horrible it is that we have gone as low as we have, we should instead think of how we're going to get back up again


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#3142 - 09/29/02 11:28 AM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
You are not alone, but I am too upset right now to reply. I too am hurting. I will send you a private message. Maybe I can write more there.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#3143 - 09/29/02 12:10 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Fisher,
I can so understand how you are feeling. You will get through this just keep posting. I've read your post and they sound so much like me at times. Check your pm. I sent you one.

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#3144 - 09/29/02 05:34 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Fisher
When I read your post I felt the pain of not being understood, although I was so lucky in that respect - my wife struggled through and found a level of understanding I find incredible.

But what it brought to mind was this handout I got at college the other day ( I've started a counselling course )

*******************************************

IF YOU ARE GOING TO HELP ME.......

Please be patient while I decide if I can trust you.

Let me tell you my story. The whole story. In my own way.

Please accept that whatever I may have done and whatever I may do, it is the best I have to offer and seemed right at the time.

I am not "A" person. I am "THIS" person, unique and special.

Don't judge me as right or wrong, bad or good. I am what I am and that is all I have got.

Don't assume that your knowledge about me is more accurate than mine. You only know what I have told you, and that's only part of me.

Don't ever think that you know what I should do, you don't. I may be confused, but I am still the expert about me.

Don't place me in a position of living up to your expectations. I have enough trouble with my own.

Please hear my feelings, not just my words - accept all of them. If you can't, how can I ?

Don't save me. I can do it myself. I knew enough to ask for your help didn't I ? Help me to better myself.

*************************************************

That seems like a very good place to start for survivors and their partners

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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