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#3129 - 09/10/02 03:49 AM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
fisher Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/30/02
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
Ok,
I just have been fighting with my wife! My brain works so much different than others!
I am fucked up and I know it!
I drank a little tonight.......not good!
My wife is a good person and I think that what happened to me, and who I almost became, and what I feel inside today,,,is taking it's toll on me and my marriage. It sucks,,,,,,,I do not want to loose my family over this!
Is part of healing destroying what you have.....ok, I know that I should not have been drinking for that ......I say.... Shit!
Monkey on my back?????????? Should we seek revenge and hate?????????
Fuck, I better go sleep it off for know ;........
My life has been a living hell going through this and I do not know how much more I can take of this thing called life!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I could go back to the place of denial and I wish with all my heart that I never looked back at what happened to me and the things I have done in my early twenties! Forgive Me now!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks
Fisher.................


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#3130 - 09/11/02 02:37 AM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
fisher Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/30/02
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
Sorry to anyone who read my last comment and was offended by it!
My life seams to be a roller coaster of emotions. Up, Down, Angry, Sad and more!
It a fucking war raging inside my head!
I am trying so hard to maintain a nomal and positive attitude.......through all that I am facing! If my wife only knew how I strugle with my past each and every day.......
I did not ask for this fucked up man to fuck me up! Sometimes it all seams to be to much!
There is so much insite as I look back at what had happned to me from the ages of 10 to 15+ as I equate that to the effects it had on my early adult life.
Now that I am older, it pisses me off as if I have to start my life all over!
I do not undertand it all but what I have come to understand for that I am grateful!
My Prayer:
Oh God, please helo me to cope with my past and to be a loving husband to my wife and son.
Help me to learn what I want to learn and to understand what I need to understand.
For now it seams like I am on a dark sea being tossed back and forth with now light house in site. Please oh lord, grant me peace inside my own self. Grant me peace that I may share it with others. Grant me insite, that I may come to know what I need to.
Amen
"Why did I just write that? I don't know..my heart told me to......
I wish that the man accross the street never did the things he did! I wish that he never minipulated me into thinking that I was wrong at such a young age. To become a teen ager and ressel with suicide and drugs to num the dirty feeling inside.
Oh how I wish this was all a bad dream........
I do know that as long as I am breathing I will keep on trying! I will not give up and long for the peace I so despritley need.......
I thank all of so very much for even taking the time to read this.........
Fisher


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#3131 - 09/11/02 11:05 AM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
we're here Fisher. And we can all relate. It is hard. Sometimes it's easier, there are breakthroughs, and sometimes it just feels impossible. I'm right there with you, feeling the isolation from your family - how could they ever really understand what you're going through? But I'm sure they love you and want you to be well. And you will be well.
peace, fisher.
-Al

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#3132 - 09/11/02 11:43 AM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
JamesMichael Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
Fisher Friend,

It seems horrible where you are. Have you explored (healthy) ways to ground yourself? When I'm where you are, that's what I need to do most 'cause I start floating in a million directions. I don't mean to be trite; I know it's hard. Sometimes, something as simple as holding and sipping a glass of icewater grounds me enough to pause and sort through the most immediate stuff.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Keep coming back here.

JM


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#3133 - 09/11/02 12:41 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
fisher
somedays we're up and others we're down, and the further we progress the bigger the gap seems to be.

When we've done some work and had some success with our recovery we feel good, as we should so rightly do.
But then along comes some incident to knock us back and we have further to fall, and we have an understanding of what is happening, so we're even more pissed off.

But we get back up again, why ?

Quote:
I do know that as long as I am breathing I will keep on trying! I will not give up and long for the peace I so despritley need.......
That's why.........
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#3134 - 09/11/02 02:13 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
Dear Fisher,

Keep posting. And keep reading what you have written. You will find great strength in your own words. This is some of what you have written, and I have added some words. What I have written is what I KNOW. You may not believe it just now, but it is true.
Quote:
I am not alone!
No, you are not alone. And what you are feeling and thinking and going through can be endured. Keep letting it out, and keep asking for help.

There is alot I can not or will not talk about, but one thing I know that I am not the same man I was over a decade ago.........

I am afraid I will have to go back and face my past, which seems so long ago and looking at a person that I am not today!

None of us is the person we were years ago. Many of us regret things we have done, and that is a good thing. It shows we have grown and know better now. I have much to regret also. But I know that most of the things I regret, I did under the influence and control of the after-effects of what was done to me. When those things happened, I could NOT do otherwise as I unconsciously tried to reconcile my Normal Human needs and desires with the twisted perceptions and feelings that had been imposed upon me. Some of the most hurtful things I did were a matter of self-preservation, of my sanity, if not my very life.

I offten ask myself if I will ever feel ok about myself and if this will be something I will live with until I die.
You will feel ok about yourself and about life again. It takes time, and work, and there will be low points, but it WILL happen. You will always remember, but in time, it will be merely another biographical fact about you.

Do I fogive? Am I fogivin?
You are forgiven. For what it's worth, I forgive you and I'm sure the other guys here do also. Now you must forgive yourself - While you may have been the "Actor" in the things you regret, you were NOT the "Director" or the "Producer".
As for whether you should forgive, that is something you must decide eventually. I will only say that I have come to realize that forgiving another can be more ABOUT, and more FOR the FORGIVER, than it is for the forgiven.


He fucked me up for life and I hope and pray that I once again will be able to enjoy life.
For now I am a tormented man inside.
I hope that It will not allways be this way!
He hijacked your life for many years but now you are taking it back. You will be able to enjoy living and being again.
You feel tormented NOW, because you are feeling the emotions you repressed for so many many years. They are the emotions of a frightened, vulnerable, angry child and they seem alien and inappropriate and definitely unwanted. They are none of that, they are normal and necessary and they will recede by facing them and accepting them.


Another thing is that not a day goes by now that I do not remember what happened to me and it causes so many feelings of regret, disappointment, depression, anger, and the question WHY ME!
There is no answer to that, "WHY ME!". Regret, disappointment, depression....Well, I keep telling myself this, "I've given up hope of having had a better, happy childhood and life." Now I can concentrate on creating happiness in my present and for my future.
ANGER - a good thing. Just make sure it is directed where it belongs. Don't turn it on yourself, because that leads to depression and addictions. Don't turn it on your loved ones, because that's cutting off your nose to spite your face. In time, the anger will change also. It could become a great motivator to LIVE fully and fearlessly. Or to help prevent abuse of others.


Is part of healing destroying what you have
Sometimes the answer to this is yes. If what you have is based on secrets and lies, then it probably should be destroyed or just forgotten. But hold on to, protect, and nourish what is based on Truth, and Love, and Beauty.

Forgive Me now!!!!!!!!!!
You Are and Will Be Forgiven

I do not undertand it all but what I have come to understand for that I am grateful!

I do know that as long as I am breathing I will keep on trying!
Some things you may never understand. I have spent decades trying to remember and understand every single detail, feeling, and action. I thought if I knew it all, it would make sense, I would see a reason AND a purpose for what I went through. I let this search take up far too much time, too much energy, TOO MUCH LIFE. Try not to do the same.
Fisher, I heard the exact same thing from my mother:
Quote:
" you need to forget it and move on..."
I had the same reaction, for many of the same reasons. But now, one year later I've thought about this a lot. I thought of the things she has lived through, the Depression, World War II, the death of an infant child, early widowhood with four children still in grade school.

So I went back to her and we talked again and we cleared this up. You don't forget. You never forget and sometimes, even 50 years later, you see or hear or smell something, or you just remember, and you are right back there again.

But you are not there. You are here. And you are alive. And that is a good thing. It is the best thing. Sometimes, this is the only thing we have to hang on to. Then we carry on from there.

Hang on Fisher. We need you. Your family needs you.

Donald

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#3135 - 09/11/02 07:16 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
Great words Don. Words to live by Fisher. Things will get better.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#3136 - 09/12/02 06:10 AM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
Fisher,
CA Code of Civil Procedure:
340.1. (a) In an action for recovery of damages suffered as a result of childhood sexual abuse, the time for commencement of the action shall be within eight years of the date the plaintiff attains the age of majority or within three years of the date the plaintiff discovers or reasonably should have discovered that psychological injury or illness occurring after the age of majority was caused by the sexual abuse, whichever period expires later...

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#3137 - 09/15/02 04:00 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
RecoveringRyan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/11/02
Posts: 28
Loc: new york state
Fisher,

Pain and fury. So much pain and so much fury. Do you have ways to be hurt/sad or angry? I cry a lot in my bed alone when I am hurt. I have a punching back, and I punch the fuck out of whoever I'm angry with. I've found that even in moments when I'm not angry, if I just start hitting that bag, I feel the solid steel cone of fury rise up within me, and I punch that bag until my bad back makes me unable to continue.

Nobody in my life is even close to understanding or feeling what I go through. The most intelligent, emotionally sensitive person is incapable of fathoming this experience without feeling it themselves. The intensity of agony, shame, killing fury, deathly fear. The girlfriend I was living with, who loved me and is smart and sensitive, kicked me out.

All my mother can say is, "Why do you keep dragging up the past?" and "When will you get a job?" I told my mother I was abused by a friend of hers a few years after it happened, and she did nothing. And now, she denies that I even told her, although other members of the family remember the other things that also happened on that day. My mother saying this only made me feel worse--more pain and more like a freak. And it made me hate her. "What a bitch! Fuck her!"

I have been supported through this time by these books:

The Courage To Heal, by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass
(Someone recommended this book up above, and it is essential.) In particular, start with finding a safe place to feel, and finding ways to express your pain (crying) and rage (hitting a mattress). Includes a section on family members and partners.

Allies In Healing, by Laura Davis will help you and your wife work together on what's happening and may contribute to the preservation of your marriage. It will help her understand you, you understand you, and you understand her. Also helpful for retrospective understanding of all your relationships.

Sexual Healing Journey, by Wendy Maltz. Helps figure out what's going on with sex, including with partners.

Victims No Longer, by Mike Lew.

Drama of the Gifted Child, by Alice Miller. Best book on therapy in general and from the way your parents raised you.

These books are always there, supporting me, helping me understand myself, and helping me be understanding of myself. Before finding this forum, they were the only contact that I had from another person that was supportive of me.

I drink alcohol or eat also, but I've figured out that it's because I can't accept exactly how much pain there is and I turn to pain-numbing substances and activities (shopping, working, masturbating). Just stopping and feeling the pain, or crying, works. Feeling the pain intensely and for as long as it takes. Then I don't need a drink. After working through it a couple of times, I began to believe it, and now, when I start to hurt, I just hurt consciously as an almost reflex reaction. I can even do it when other people are around, or while carrying on limited activities.

Identify all the things you do when the emotions are too much and you're desperate. That is the best time to learn to ask yourself, "What am I feeling right now?" I almost never know what I'm feeling. Well, except that I can assume that I'm always feeling anxiety.

"weep and rage"
"although you may think you are going crazy..."

I can remember almost nothing of my childhood. It is very difficult for me to accept this, but remembering all the details is not the most important thing. Accepting my feelings now and getting myself emotionally squared away for the rest of my life is the most important thing. Remembering the events is useful to the extent that it helps make sense of the emotions. You already know enough to explain any emotion. Also, memories come back when the emotions are worked through, sometimes, not the other way around. So you have to try forward emotional progress now, and the memories will come when you're ready for them. That being said, the awareness of the loss of my memory has shaken my confidence in my own mind, confused me, disoriented me, and caused me to doubt myself and wonder what else I should be suspicious of.

You are not alone. In general, everything that is happening inside of you, every emotion, every thought, is a natural human result of what happened to you. People around you misunderstand. They are wrong.

Ryan


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#3138 - 09/16/02 11:44 AM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
George:

The situation with your wife sounds similar to mine in lots of ways, except that you are further into recovery, about a year for me. So your post gives me hope. Thanks.

Fisher:

As other brothers in survival have so well put it already, no need for apologies for that post on 9-10. That's what forums like this one are for and one reason we need them.

On 9-11 you wrote: "Why did I just write that? I don't know..my heart told me to......" Personally I find forums like this one, journaling, email groups, etc, a great place for just writing & pouring things out, however others may or may not respond. I need to do it more.

Oh, that includes your prayer. I find pouring myself out to God openly really helps, especially in writing. I'm praying that prayer with you, brother.

Lloydy:

Love your post. "the further we progress the bigger the gap seems to be." Never quite thot of it like that. Thanks!

Don:

As ARW says, great words to live by!

For what its worth to everyone, my T has told me more than once, and now I often tell myself, "Don't ask why"

To ask my mother why she abused me as she did, even if she didn't just deny it, well, what explanation would be adequate? Would it make me feel better, or worse?

Its becoming more important to me to know not why but that it did happen, I can't change it, but I can change what it does to my life. And I will.

Thanks Don!

Thad:

Thanks for sharing that CA code. I don't live in CA but I can check my state. I'll keep that in mind for future reference.

Ryan:

Thanks for your good words about letting out your emotions in positive ways! I work hard on that one! I'm sure as you do so, you will gain more confidence in your mind & your memories, to whatever degree or in whatever way they come back to you. Mine seem to have come back as I'm ready for & need them, tho I do sometimes have my doubts.

Men, another good book to add to Ryan's list (none of which I've read but have read & heard good reviews) is Mike Lew's 2nd book, "Leaping Upon the Mountains." This book is full of practical & specific survival tips, insights & encouragement, for men in all different stages & places of recovery. I recommend it highly.

Be Well, Men

Wuame
\:\)

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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