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#3119 - 09/01/02 10:59 AM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Fisher,

There is NO DOUBT that you have people here with whom you can empathize. In fact your need for it is one of the common bonds I think. I actually just posted to someone about this...at least you have your wife who is your confidante. Some of us (as I) don't even have someone with whom I can vent. In the grand scheme of things, I think ALL persons whether abused or not really goes through the ups and downs. We ALL have our problems even those non-abused with seemingly perfect lives (heck, honestly...not to sound pompous, but some looking at my life [since very few know about my abuse] may think it's going great). While the tendency for us abused persons is to engage in self-pity (which is fine once and a while because it allows us to get all of our emotions out--heck, I just did and cried like a maniac), I think that ultimately when we realize that EVERYONE has problems and may even be worse off (some are abused, AND poor, AND have no one to turn to, AND have gotten into addictions, etc.,). I mean, looking at your life...well, it seems to me that you actually have a good one. About 15 years younger, I can only hope that when I am 39 I will have someone with whom I can confide in and a family. Please don't misunderstand, I know that our abuse is certainly a "bad thing," but all I am saying is that we have to look past our our pain sometimes. When we realize that others are also in pain, we may be able to come to better grips with our own (at least little by little). Well, that's it. Take it easy.


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#3120 - 09/02/02 03:44 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Fisher:

Clearly you are not alone. I'm new myself, but I believe we're in a good place here.

My parents & family not only covered up the multiple types & incidences of abuse I suffered thruout my childhood & well into adolescence, but my mother in particular was the primary perp. She is also the only one I could easily confront person-to person now; the others are dead or whereabouts unknown.

Most of this I had either suppressed or dissociated from, vaguely remembering some things but not relating them to myself; I just couldn't. Only in the last year or so have things really begun to come out & come together thru counseling about, among other things, my own sexual problems--and I'm now 45.

Before this happened I had begun to renew a relationship with my mother, who for reasons I wasn't sure of I had avoided contact with for some time. Now I know why.

So my current course of action, which may be permanent, has been to again break & avoid all contact with her.

My counselor has helped a lot. He assures me that if I need to confront my mother, it need not ever be done person-to-person. He is encouraging me to work into this thru meditation & prayer.

At some point if I believe I need to & when I can, I will have one or more sessions, probably with him there, in which I will in my mind go thru a dialogue of confrontation with my mother. Not ready for that yet.

Also, I've been encouraged to write a letter to her, not necessarily to be sent & possibly ongoing, where I just vent & unload my feelings & everything. Started that, but wasn't ready for the pain & had to stop. I may start back on that one soon.

I find writing things out, even in posts like this one, helps me a lot. I agree with others here that journaling is a great idea--one I've slacked off on & need to get back to. It helps me sort things out & keep them together.

Everyone & their situation is at least a bit different. Some may need to confront person to person whether face to face, by phone or by mail. You may be one of those persons, if not now then in time; I might as well, tho I doubt it now.

Another helpful point my counselor made is that my issues are primarily with my mother (and others) back then, in my childhood, as she was in the past. Really, I can no longer confront that person personally. She's not there anymore, really.

In fact, in my situation, its almost certain my mother would either not remember, deny it, or downplay it, none of which would do me any good. I know this from previous talks (or attempts to talk) about the abuses of others against me.

Also, I agree with The Dean about self-medicating with alcohol. Been there done that, with other drugs too; still doing it with food and other things I won't get into now. It doesn't work for me, and I haven't seen anyone it does work for. Neither does trying to suppress things again, even if you could, which as Lloydy said can't be done.

Trying to suppress or ignore feelings & issues just leads to them being expressed in other ways--like addictions, compulsions, physical symptoms, psychological symptoms--all of which I still struggle with in some form. This of course just multiplies your problems.

Wow this has gotten kinda long. Writing it is helping me, becuz I've been neglecting my recovery a lot again lately. I hope some of it may help you too. At least you should know that you are certainly not alone.

Peace

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#3121 - 09/02/02 06:33 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
fisher Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/30/02
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
This has been something in my life that I have suppressed and or hid from even my own self and my wife until now.
What has been happening ever since I have let this surface in my life is far from pleasant. I am now having trouble in my sex life with my wife. Just feeling insecure and acquired sometimes even scared! I try to explain myself and how I feel to my wife and she tries to understand but she is still frustrated. I know for a fact that she loves me and I can only expect so much if anything at all.
Another thing is that not a day goes by now that I do not remember what happened to me and it causes so many feelings of regret, disappointment, depression, anger, and the question WHY ME!
One of my friends that I have known since we were 5 years old, told me I should legally peruse him. In fact, my friend called the man that did this and we have him on tape admitting regret and that he did not mean to hurt anyone. He also admitted to molesting 3 other boys in the court. (I new already). I could not talk to him and my friend is very pissed that I want do anything! (Inside there is a reason I cannot!) Shit this sucks!
Society will only let you tell certain things and not others! I am afraid I will have to go back and face my past, which seems so long ago and looking at a person that I am not today!

Fisher


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#3122 - 09/02/02 07:32 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
fisher
I know where two of my abusers are, not very far away. But I can't do anything about them, I don't even know if I could - it ended 34 years ago.

But it's never felt right to me to pursue them, no matter how far I go with my recovery or how much I hate them, I can't do it.
Revenge is something I have done in my dreams, maybe a new fantasy ? but I can't do it.
I've had secret revenge on other people for a lot less, much to my shame. Would I feel the same ?
I don't know.

I don't think I want the uncertainty that naming and shaming them in court would bring, my word against theirs. Would they bring the rest of the gang back together and lie in unison like they did before ? I think so. I couldn't do all the police stuff, the lawyer stuff and the general exposure stuff in the local press.

You're right fisher, this sucks. I feel guilty for not being able to do it, I feel that what I've said above is a list of excuses. But I know they're not.

the thing I fear most is reading their names in a Sunday newspaper. Reading a childs name as well.

That's why I have so much respect for all of those brave people who do stand up and be counted.
I also understand why some of us can't do it.

What I don't understand is the answer.....
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#3123 - 09/02/02 09:39 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
Fisher:

My first perpetrator was a priest, who was later laicized, after having been moved around the entire Diocese, after having abused several dozen other boys, and he was then sent for "treatment". The Church has told me that he left on his own, but I know that in fact he was kicked out. He lives right next door to the Church where my abuse took place now, in the same town where I was born and raised, and am now raising my family. I can't stand to know that he still is out there, possibly continuing his previous behavior, and not being held accountable. The Church refuses to publicize his name, or the names of any other priests or ex-priests, citing the rights of the "accused" to "due process". The Bishop held a "listening session" during which he heard from 12 different survivors of clergy abuse, male and female. We all told our stories, and they listened. I have an attorney, who advised me not to participate in the session. My participation was for my own benefit, not for that of the Church Leaders. The Leadership simply said "it's in the District Attoreny's hands now." Of course, the statute of limitations is expired for my case, and the DA will not press charges. So now, the next step is to have this perpetrator caught in the act, or find a survivor who is within the last 7 years, who will be ready and willing to come forward.

I'm sorry to ramble on, but it's helpful to me to write it all down again, like others have said here before.

I am so lost. All of the answers are supposed to be right here inside of me, but I can't find any of them. I don't even know what questions to ask anymore. I'm so tired of it all. I just want it all to go away. I never asked for this, I did not deal with it for a long time, and life seemed ok back then. Why did all of this have to come back to haunt me? Why am I the one who has to be the one to take some action? Doesn't anyone else see the perp for what he is? Am I the only one who sees the suffering he's causing? Why do I have to put my everything on the line to make it stop? Please make this go away. Make him go away.

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#3124 - 09/03/02 10:46 AM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
fisher Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/30/02
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
Will this every end! I want to tell the whole story but I cannot! It feels like such a long time ago..
THIS SUCKS!
How can you be free from this nightmare that never seems to go away!
Ok, I'm getting angry! Very Frustrated! Fuck society and allot of our parents that find it easier to live in denial and act as if it's no big thing...as I my parent said " you need to forget it and move on...to that I say Fuck you Mom!
There is allot of us kids that have been sexually abused and as far as I can tell a chain occurs in allot of sexually abused kids!
It is a wrong thing to take the innocence of a child away and twist there insides! It feels like I will remember this for the rest of my life and I just want to have my life back! To feel confident in who I am.....! What I am... and to have joy and an appreciation for life!
Shit,,,,What the fuck is wrong with me!
Ok, getting very frustrated and have to go! To much swimming around in my head!
By for now!


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#3125 - 09/03/02 02:33 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
Boy do I hear you guys. We're all at the front end of recovery, climbing out of the dark, even accepting the dark for what it is. It used to be that I had good days and bad days - now I have good moments and bad. Just came from a biz lunch where I had a panic attack right in the middle of it. That was pleasant.

There's so much talk out there from the books and the therapist and our brothers here about trusting the healing process and facing it all and giving it time. In my heart I know that's true, or for Christs sake I HOPE it is. But the constant pain, guilt, fear, tension with loved ones, anger at those in denial, on and on and on and on....

Three or so weeks ago, my wife and kid were out of town. I had stopped drinking heavily at xmas when I decided to start therapy and face all this shit. Felt good this night. Bought a magnum of white wine (bad sign). Puttered around the house, drank the whole bottle, then stood in the shower with an extension cord tight around my neck for about twenty minutes and laughed at the ease with which I could kill myself. The relief. The necessity. the stupidity of my life. Then I called a prostitute and had sex with her in my bed. Me and my wife's bed. Passed out and woke up feeling...not so bad. Not so guilty. Not much of anything. Been faithful through ten years of with her.

Okay so I shouldn't be drinking. Fairly obvious. But where the fuck did that sideblinder come from? What is with our make-up that makes these past traumas cause us to despise ourselves with such force? Why is there something in me demanding my destruction? What does it mean to be all right? No guilt? No shame? No self-hatred? I think the hardest thing for me to accept, to face, is that like it or not this is who I am, who I have been most of my life. We're here once and at this date, at 37, this is the story of my life. Not what I thought it was, not what I worked towards being, but what I am. End of story.

What I want back I can never have. My childhood, my teens, twenties, thirties. Gone. What do I get at best? Relief from the pain after god knows how long suffering through the recovery. If I'm lucky. If my wife doesn't leave me. If I don't accidentally fuck my kid up by just being the freak that I am. If I can continue to afford the therapy - which is debatable. Relief from the pain. Yee-ha.

As the old TV commercial used to say: Thanks for the gumball Mickey.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#3126 - 09/05/02 04:04 AM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
fisher Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/30/02
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
Hi everyone!
I just wanted to say thanks for all the impute. There is so much to digest and I find myself reading over all the past comments, even my own.
Things are going ok.......
My wife and I are having a hard time and I am affraid that it is taking its toll on her.
I am trying to act happy and not let her know that not a day goes by without me thinking about my past and the person I was.
I offten ask myself if I will ever feel ok about myself and if this will be something I will live with until I die.
I feel so fucked up and there seems to be no rest for me anymore. Do I fogive? Am I fogivin? Fuck, I don't know anymore!
I feel as if I am starting all over again inside. I never had a normal child hood, I never expiernced common sexual growth. I am fucked up and to that I have nothing to say.
I to would like my child hood memories to be ones that I can remember. Not ones I can not because some man took them from me and locked them in a box inside me that I can not completely open myself.
When I hear a friend of mine talk about growing up in the court, It makes me feel ahsamed, dirty, and I run to a place inside that scares me.
I have never fully opended the box of memeories that this man had done to me between the ages of 10 to 15+!
He fucked me up for life and I hope and pray that I once again will be able to enjoy life.
For now I am a tormented man inside.
I hope that It will not allways be this way!
Thanks again guys!


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#3127 - 09/06/02 12:26 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Fellas,

I'm empathizing with, thinking about, and wishing the best for all of us.

Yeah, I really get pissed off about this whole mess--a lot. So do my wife & kids.

I mean, I have CPTSD, FM (fibromyalgia), severe depression, OCD, sleep disorders, allergies, relational problems, and only God knows what else. All becuz my damn mother had to make me her surrogate husband! Becuz my father incested me as an infant & my stepfather beat me with a belt! Becuz my mother sold me like a damn prostitute to a homosexual couple who were supposed to be "friends." Becuz I had to be a father to my handicapped brother, then watch my mother take him off to an institution, then abandon me too!

I'm in almost constant physical & emotional pain & numbness; I can barely work part-time. Nothing seems to be helping much right now.

And this 9-11 anniversary upcoming is really hitting me hard. Tho I wasn't at Ground Zero, I was born in Manhattan & my family roots are there. My earliest abuses happened there. No wonder those terrorists' attacks knocked the shit out of me last year! That's when my flashbacks & memories of abuse started coming. That's when my FM flared up. Now it's all happening again. Man this really sucks!

But you all know that! One thing that is helping is to be here posting & part of this brave group of men. A forum like this for men is rare & I value you all a lot already.

I'm also dealing with 9-11 anniversary thru involvement in some related community & church services. It's helping.

As for my so-called life in the past, my counselor and I are really beginning to work on this. This week I am beginning again to meditate, pray, journal & letter write. Monday, I will go to my counselor & meet with my mother--not physically, but as he says, it will be very real--with him as guide. This is tough but something I've been needing to do.

Like many of you I cannot now face my mother person-to-person, and have many reasons to believe it may never be a good idea. But I can face her in this safe & controlled way. I can only know if it will help if I try it. I am believing that it will. It will probably take multiple sessions. But it will be worth it.

Maybe that's an idea for some of you who feel you have to confront (and please for your own good be sure you really have to, and that it's not someone else pressuring you to do something you maybe shouldn't). Just a thot.

Also, journaling & other writing can be very therapeutic. I'm (again), as part of my process, starting a letter to my mother. It will not be sent, and will probably be ongoing. I have a friend who has been writing one for over 10 years--and he sees & even has somewhat of a relationship with his mother.

Feedback & insights are welcome. I'm especially wondering if anyone else is struggling with 9-11, especially in relation to your abuse issues.

Thanks & Be Well

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#3128 - 09/07/02 08:42 AM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro
Hi Fisher,

There are a bunch of stages you go through in dealing with the S/A, one of them Anger. I do remember mine, your post reminds me of what I was feeling.

One of the ways I coped through the years was to just about stay invisible to the out side world, not draw any attention like displaying anger.

In the begining I went to the apt of my abuser {uncle} who I had not talked to in over twenty years. I just wanted to ask him why, why me, I wanted to know what he thought of his decision now. I was scared the whole time driving there & walking to the building. A unexpected change of heart came over me, I was suddenly in a fit of silent rage within myself. All I can think of now is thank God he wasn't home to answer the door, for I know that I would still be sitting in jail now, that I'm sure of. I have never been a violent person, I hate even loud arguing, but I know that I could've easily of strangled him with just my bare hands, I was so besides myself. I would suggest not to confront your abuser till you have dealt with all of the mess, when your in an ok place. Most of all, never do it alone. What I found to help me was to report the abuse to the county prosecutors office. Sure, it was a scarey idea to go down there and tell some strange guy what was done to me, but I got through it ok. I even felt really good about myself leaving there, that I finally stood up for myself, put the shame on him. Even though too much time had passed to charge him now, at least he's known to to the law as a pedophile. Best yet, he knows they know it too, now he can live with the monkey on his back.

Your wife... Like mine she will never fully comprehend the depths you've been hurt & scared. My wife has whats got to be the biggest heart for compassion and she still didn't "get it". It wasn't till after I let her read some of the stuff I was writing & reading on the net in pages like this one did she see that niether I, nor she are alone in this. It was good for both of us that I included her in as much as I could. She even went to an abuse seminar with me. Basicly, you have to educate her as well as yourself when learning to deal. It helped alot for us.

Just yesterday we were talking and she said that In the very begining she was hurt that I couldn't confide in her, that I had to involve other people instead. That now she sees that she was too close & involved to really help back then. Yeah, back then her pain about all this was an extra burdan for me aswell, but we've both come out doing very well for ourselves now.
You can have a happy & healthy marriage again, infact getting through it together can make it an even stronger bond.

Its been over four years since I started dealing with the abuse, it took me a year and a half to wake up one morning and realise that "hey, I'm feeling & doing pretty good, that maybe I'm even over it". It just takes time, but you're already on your way to healing.

-George-


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