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#3109 - 08/30/02 03:02 PM Comming to terms with my past?
fisher Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/30/02
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
I am 39 years old and I have a wife and son of 11 years.
Late one night I received a call that has traumatically changed my life. I do not want to get into the content of the call, all I will say is that it has now made me face my sexual abuse from ages 10 to 15+ by a man next door. The call has made me look at who and what I was as a young adult. It is overwhelming the thoughts and battle that I have come to face. My wife knows everything but I do not think she can help.
I am filled with so much regret for my past. Who and what I was, feels like a person I never knew. I have allot of suppressed memories or my abuse and just the few that I have seem make me cry out with a deep, deep, hurt.
I had learned to suppress my child hood to this day! I do not remember my childhood like others can! I fear it! It scares me, and I am scared just typing these words.
When I told my parents of my past, all they could say is that we suspected something was happening.
I must say, that really hurt and at the same time made me so angry at them! (I was adopted)
What parent odopted or not, if they suspected something wouldn't act on it!
I am so pissed at them for letting me go through this abuse that has screwed me up to this day!
(enough)
This is all I can write for now, my mind is telling me to stop. Please let me know that I am not alone!
THANKS!


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#3110 - 08/30/02 03:14 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Fisher, you are not alone. There are many of us out there that are coming to terms with our abuse at a late stage in our lives. It is awful no matter when you face it, my response once I was able to bring it all to light was very similar to yours, I was so angry at my parents for not listening, I am so hurt right now by my wife not being here when I really need her. Hang in there, talk it out everyone on this site is in your shoes, some of them have been worn longer than others. Take Care Ernie

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#3111 - 08/30/02 03:56 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
JamesMichael Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
Fisher,

You are not alone. I'm sorry pain has brought you here. But this is a good place to share it. We all have it and are facing the same things. I'd known all along that I'd been abused, and then was abused by a priest when I finally confided in him about the childhood abuse. It's been horrible to come to realize how this has affected the way I perceive myself and others. But I'm cracking through it. It's very tough. The strength I get from coming here and knowing that I am not alone is immeasurable. There's strength in numbers. We're all in this together.

Are you going to get to a therapist?

Writing/journaling about it helps to get it out?

P.S.

I know my parents had to know what was going on. They'd been abused themselves. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around that piece of it.

JM


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#3112 - 08/30/02 07:44 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
fisher Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/30/02
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
I want you to know that the quick reply's bring tears to my eyes. I am not alone!
I know that it is taking it's toll on me and my family.
I continue to write in a journal called" How do I feel" This helps to unload emotions that spring up all of a sudden.
There is so many emotions and thoughts that go through my head it some times feels like it is to much for me to handle.
My problems with sex and sexuality, Triggers and so much more……..

What is your opinion on talking with the person that did this to me?

I am need of much help and it is taking its toll on me and my family........

I try to act like I am ok, but deep inside there is no rest from myself..........and the pain I feel.
Part of me wants to go back to repressing the memories and locking up how I feel inside!
Got to go.,......
Thank you so very much!


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#3113 - 08/30/02 08:07 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Fisher
you can't go back, the genie's out of the bottle and you're becoming a survivor instead of a victim.

It aint going to happen quickly or easily, but the biggest, bravest and hardest step you're going to take is behind you. YOU'VE TOLD SOMEONE !!

Although we all have our differences so much of what we experience as adults is remarkably similar, the guilt and shame that consumes us is a badge we wear, but we do get to throw it off.

As always the advice is to find a good therapist, someone who knows, and specialises if possible, in sex abuse. We think we know the answers ourselves, we usually do, but we need to know how to look for them.

I personally wouldn't confront your abuser until your recovery is settled and you're prepared for such a major event. Help from a therapist will help you decide when it's right.

Keep coming back, there's so much support here.
Be strong
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#3114 - 08/30/02 11:03 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
JamesMichael Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
I agree with Lloydy. Not a good time to confront your abuser. I did that almost twenty years ago. It was a relief at the moment, but had I been in therapy longer, I'd have been better prepared for the fallout and subsequent further isolation from my family. Now's not the time. All the shit from the past is like dirty laundry you've been lugging around in a big steamer trunk. It takes a long time to sort through it all, hold it up, air it out, clean some, toss some. All of it's not bad. You'll find some gems. Some you'll wash, fold nicely, and put back, 'cause now it's at least acceptable. The trunk gets lighter. You economize. Switch to a backpack. Now you're off to discover new territory. It's only really hard now. It'll get easier. Man, you've been carrying this garbage for a long time. At least put the trunk down, so you can straighten your back! There's plenty of time to sort this all out.

By the way, crises can bring a family closer together if it's handled with proper guidance. I wouldn't suggest manufacturing one, but if you find yourself there, don't make it worse and start hurling your crap at everyone.

Breath. It's Life. You're alive! You've made it! There's more alive boy in you than you know! Slowly invite him to come out. But make it safe for him. The light's gonna hurt his eyes at first, but hold his hand and just take a walk and introduce him to some nice people and things.

He'll appreciate it.

You're all great. Thank you for the opportunity to write these things. I believe it all. I really do. Believe it with me. It's too hard alone.


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#3115 - 08/30/02 11:54 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
Dear friend fisher:

I am 38, married 13 years on 9-8, with 11,9, and 5 yr old boys. My wife is with me sometimes, not with me others. It's a real roller coaster ride for me. You are not alone. Join us in chat sometime. RE: confrontation: if you want to read a good book about this, "Courage to Heal WorkBook" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis is pretty good. Gives a lot of opportunity to "write a plan". Don't go it alone when you decide you are ready, and only you will know when the time is right. Have a plan, I would not want to go into a confrontation like a lamb to slaughter. We are all much stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and we need to draw on all of our strengths to get through this stuff. (A really good therapist told me once that we can't just "get over it", we must work "through" it, otherwise the "it" is still there) I not a therapist myself, but I sure have learned alot from them during the last 6 months during which I've started on this journey of dealing with the abuse. I am not ready to confront my perpetrator yet, but I have confronted those who were his superiors. It helped some, in that I laid the responsibility for all the crimes he's committed against me, all other children, then, now and in the future, at their feet. They winced at the thought of responsibility, accountability and justice, not only from law, but from a Greater Power.

I wish you well on your journey. Be well, stay well.

Orodo

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#3116 - 08/31/02 06:04 AM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
fisher Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/30/02
Posts: 11
Loc: Oregon
You wrote the following:
It helped some, in that I laid the responsibility for all the crimes he's committed against me, all other children, then, now and in the future, at their feet. They winced at the thought of responsibility, accountability and justice, not only from law, but from a Greater Power.
Did you go after the person that did this to you? Legaly?
I am not sure that this would do anyone any good?
Let me know if I did not understand?

I do know that I have lost almost all of my joy in life.,,,,,,,,,, My wife sees it and she does not know what to do about it. I guess that makes two of us.........
My wife has been my very best friend through all this. She has been there for me even if she does not know what to say or do.
There is alot I can not or will not talk about, but one thing I know that I am not the same man I was over a decade ago.........
Thanks for your impute,,,, A little self medicating with JD to help me sleep........
Thanks again to all of you!
Fisher!


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#3117 - 08/31/02 04:45 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Fisher,
I'm in AA so self-medicating with JD is not a solution I can reccomend.

On the NOMSV home page you will find the site map. If you go to the Site Map, then to Adult Survivors page there is a link there to an article by Ken Singer on Disclosure and Confrontation. It has a lot of good ideas from a professional on this topic of confronting the perp.

I hope Merrill is not doing the same thing to some other little guy as we speak. He needs to be put away where kids can be safe.

You are brave to tell your story. Now, you can begin to heal. You have broken the silence in a big way. There are several good books you can read and sticking with this forum and the chat room, is a help.

Peace to you.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#3118 - 08/31/02 09:54 PM Re: Comming to terms with my past?
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Hi fisher,
Just wanted to let you know NO your not alone.....I'm 34 and have just started dealing with my past........good luck...keep posting....the guys on here are the greatest....we are here for eachother.....oh...check your privite message's I left you one......see ya later.

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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