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#310692 - 11/17/09 06:43 AM emotional isolation within a relationship and more
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hi guys,

This is something which has been occupying my thoughts off and on for a few weeks now. Maybe this is the same as numbing out, or a cousin of numbing, don't really know for sure.

It occurred to me recently that this is a good expression for what I've done a hell of a lot of in life, and particularly with my wife. I had a few days alone recently while she was having a little trip with her mother. I decided to consciously try to do the opposite of isolating, numbing, dissociating or whatever you wish to call it when they came back. It worked and in living color! I was really euphoric, particularly as I'd been having a touchy patch with her prior as well. The other thing, is that extended to all kinds of areas of feeling like I was really in touch with myself, almost for the first time ever, but that would be a very grand statement indeed!

So all is going well for like a bit more than a week, which in survivor terms has to be about 5 re-incarnations as Mr. Happy. Ok, then I'm actually writing about these feelings and a different personality inhabits me. No new names, identities and memory loss or anything approaching that. Just an entirely different set of feelings and emotions. The common sense of the recent time emotionally speaking was a completely foreign concept for this guy. This guy was insecure and panicked in the extreme. OK, I dealt with that as well as I could and just kept him out of sight for about 3 days till he started to recede. Outwardly I guess I held it together well, my wife later on said she didn't really notice me being in an odd place, well except for one night a dinner. I don't know what we were talking about, but I remember having a reaction to it followed by a strange wave in which I know I modified my facial expression from what seemed to have formed on my face. She then asked me, "OK, what just happened?" I just made a joke and then it became a running gag over the weekend...you know saying "what just happened" in odd or funny moments. I know this sounds a little out there, but it reads more black and white than it was. If I were to teach a course it in it'd be something like 701 Advanced Detachment.

Yesterday I was trying to piece it together, having already begun to distance myself from it a bit, but retaining a clear sense of the experience and how I handled it. I realized that by putting up the outside wall of detachment, or isolation that enabled the interior or other insecure guy to come back up and or remain stronger than normal. So, as I came home yesterday I decided to try to effect that change I had experience over a week ago now...and did!

We had a good serious conversation about a few things, the isolation concept being one of them. We also had a frank discussion about how many things she's beginning to realize that she now feels really stupid for not having understood or even thought of earlier. Of course she's knows she couldn't have thought of these things earlier, if anyone should have it should have been me, but we're here now, so good!!!!! I made the realization and went further than ever before when I told her that it's only beginning to become clear for me now, how what I experienced is so correctly described by the word molestation...I mean that quite specifically as a manner, a way of sexual contact, the word molestation describes the things I experienced...it wasn't sex and certainly not making love.

This has all been followed by feeling like both feet are back on the ground. Perhaps the scariest thing about that experience was how much it reminded me of life before finding MS, you guys and my T. Thanks!

sono

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the family
the perp

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#310714 - 11/17/09 10:19 AM Re: emotional isolation within a relationship and more [Re: sono]
GentleSoul Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 236
Loc: Manhattan
Sanchez,

Wow, that was a very uhhhhh... ooooooh... ahem... nice post. Yes... nice, that's it. I'm happy you had that moment of clarity. Satoris kick ass huh? I isolate 90% of the time, even when I'm in a group of people. I totally relate to what you're going through. ****Shameless plug**** (WARNING)... One of the best ways to break that isolation is to stay connected with people who care and be present in the now. When I isolate, it only compounds the loneliness and gets me back into a cycle of depression, self-loathing, and inevitably acting out. I'm glad you're in a good place and I'm happy you and your wife had that heart to heart talk. Take care bud and keep up the good work!

Jay

_________________________
I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.

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#310715 - 11/17/09 10:46 AM Re: emotional isolation within a relationship and more [Re: GentleSoul]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
((((Sono))))

I am happy for you!!! It seems a break through happened.

I understand the isolation even being in a relationship.

I know we all have enternal "workings" that were developed in secrecy so the isolation we feel is natural.

I am glad your processing and growing.

It is great to see you grow.

Peace,
DJ

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Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#310716 - 11/17/09 11:06 AM Re: emotional isolation within a relationship and more [Re: DJsport]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1135
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Sono,

Awesome progress man! Yes, the isolation/dissociation/numbing/etc. is part of the baggage. For me it is both the "problem" and the "barrier" to recovery. It's taken me 7 months of recovery work to really get a handle on it (lots of work to go though).

I can totally relate to the "What just happened" question. In my mid 20s I was dating women I met through a dating service. One of them was a sweet girl and we went out a couple times.

I remember her being in my apartment and thinking about "making a move" when suddenly she asked "What just happened?" I had no idea at the time, but now I know something triggered me to "check out." She noticed!

Jim

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Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

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#310751 - 11/17/09 06:17 PM Re: emotional isolation within a relationship and more [Re: Jim1961]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey guys thanks for the support! You've all been helpful to me in this. Jim, I believe it was a post of your about this issue that I read early on when i first got her that got me attuned to the whole idea of numbing/isolating etc. and trying to work out if I did this. What a revelation it turned out to be. Thanks very much for that. So now after some effective work followed by that really whacked out weekend I wrote about, I feel even more informed. I guess I'll talk about this with my T tomorrow...lol

So Jim, you had a "what just happened" moment too? it was weird, we both knew it. It was odd to see it register on her face. crazy stuff...the good news was, this was me returning for a while....checking in, instead of checking out.

I've been here before is the part that scares me. I've never been here with this same conviction that I have today, but still it's easy to forget the good moments in times of despair and we all know that here. The big difference is that for the first time ever with you guys here I feel some validation to the crap I have been feeling all these years, but felt it was all just my own fault for being weak. I now realize I've been strong if unenlightened, but can now find a different kind of strength to move forward.

thanks again for listening and being there,

sono

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the family
the perp

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#310771 - 11/17/09 10:28 PM Re: emotional isolation within a relationship and more [Re: sono]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Hey sono,

It sounds like you're doing a good job of breaking the habit of isolating at home. I think that's what it may be....a habit, one that a lot of us share, but still a habit. Old habits die hard as they say, and that may account for the other guy coming back into the scene of your weekend. I like how you made it a point to break that habit once again with your wife and how you were rewarded by some good open discussion with your wife about your abuse and how you correctly view it as just that and being able to utter those very important words to her. Forcing ourselves to talk openly and honestly sounds like a great remedy for isolation. I actually tried that too with my mother, and it worked. It takes a lot to overcome isolating habits and to talk about how we are feeling and what we are thinking, especially cause we are men.

Thanks for the refresher course,

Rocco



Edited by Casmir213 (11/17/09 10:34 PM)
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I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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