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#310579 - 11/15/09 11:56 PM I was aborted
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
I was watching Dr. Drew's Celebrity Sex Rehab today. The show strikes me as somewhat exploitative, yet it is insightful. Many of the celebrities revealed histories of sexual abuse. I recognize some symptoms in myself, detachment, difficulty with relationships, but not the central one, sex addiction. I'm the opposite, sexually anorexic.

Reading the posts here too, I feel my story is different. I stopped talking. I lost my social skills. I didn't become a problem child. In fact, I was better behaved. I did well in school, when I used to be at the bottom of the class. I went from being a cute, sometimes mischevious, little boy to an aspiring saint.

I refused to curse. I covered my ears whenever anyone mentioned sex. I began to care about the rain forest, racism and the plight of the homeless. It was like a wave of "goodness" was released to combat the evil inside me. I thought being "nice" was the most important thing on earth. There were still disturbing, sexual thoughts. There were still the horrific nightmares every night without fail. But from the outside, I appeared to be very shy, kindhearted, studious, and talented with writing and art.

It was like I was aborted. My personaIity wasn't affected by the abuse. My whole personality was a reaction against it. I didn't struggle with promiscuity, or drugs, or cutting myself. I fought to regain the social skills I lost and to escape the fantasy world which had once protected me. When I did, around twenty, twenty-one, or twenty-two, I emerged a pretty impressive shell: handsome, smart, funny, decent to everyone.

There's a ten year gap in my life, from about eight to eighteen, during which I ceased to exist. I wasn't really a person. I was the remnants of a child trying to reconstruct myself. Now my enemy isn't addiction, or excess. It's emptiness. Why is this my story?

There's no way to know how often I was raped, or molested by my gym/swimming teacher. I know he kept me aside, brought me to the locker rooms while they swam for about two years. It could've been once a week, twice a week, once every few weeks. I acted out sexually, briefly, never harming another child. But then I avoided sex completely. Why wasn't I teenage delinquent? Why didn't I become a porn star? Why did I just shut down?

When I was in high school, I used to think there was no one else like me in the world, with my stalker-like love obsessions, my fondness for masturbating to mirrors, my distorted self-image, my nightmares. Even here, I feel alienated from many of the survivors, though we've all suffered, just in different ways. Does any one else feel as if they aren't "typical" survivors?


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#310586 - 11/16/09 04:29 AM Re: I was aborted [Re: Bewlayb1]
wil86 Offline


Registered: 09/05/08
Posts: 9
Loc: canada
Well your story kind of reminded me of myself. When I was a kid, I was very quiet, well behaved, did a few sports, and hung out with friends. I wasn't that good with grades because I was lazy, but if I really tried I could probably get at least a B in most classes. Yes I was bullied a bit because I didn't have that much friends but it was only very rarely on a few occasions that was really no big deal so it was never really a problem.

I remember I used to make jokes about people like "Oh I bet he was molested when he was a child, hahahaha" with my friends but at that time I didn't realize that it had happened to me and when I DID realize that it did, I just pretend as if it didn't happen. A lot of times when I thought of the CSA, I felt really sad, anxious, and I would be ashamed that I would have an uncontrollable hard-on that was like steel.

I never did drugs (actually, I only smoked marijuana with friends twice, and decided it wasn't for me), I don't really smoke (only like once every 2 months, but now I've quit), I still haven't gotten laid, and I have a clean criminal record.

I don't think there is such a thing as "typical" survivors. CSA can happen to anyone, even people you thought would never happen to. Rihanna got beat up, Marilyn Monroe was sexually abused, and I remember that an NFL player got raped by his dad.

_________________________
take it one day at a time

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#310651 - 11/16/09 07:56 PM Re: I was aborted [Re: Bewlayb1]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Bewlayb1,

Oh yeah, I can definitely relate to taking an "opposite" course in my sexual development than what is typical of CSA survivors. I had some sexual acting out as a child, but pretty much that was it. As a teenager and adult I went the opposite course and avoided sex and the topic of sex with most people. In this way it seems that I am "atypical", at least from what seems to be talked about most here. Of course, there's always the idea that it's a lot less difficult to talk about being promiscuous as an adult male than it is to talk about being a "prude" so to speak, so perhaps us "atypical" survivors get underrepresented somewhat because of this when discussion of efffects of sexual abuse take place. You know, we still as survivors are impacted by the larger societies rules about what is acceptable behavior for males, and this impacts our discussions here at MS. But it's good you brought this up. It's good to hear it talked about from time to time, as it is definitely a reaction to having been sexually abused as a child, and even as an adult.

Take care,

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#310772 - 11/17/09 10:35 PM Re: I was aborted [Re: Casmir213]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thanks Wil86 and Casimir. I think this feeling of being alone wherever I am comes from my childhood and adolescence. I just didn't see anyone like me, who had almost no social skills, but was one of the top students in school. And, I was completely crazy. I was so lost in fantasy. I wondered what was wrong me all the time. Even homeless bums on the street could interact with others. Why couldn't I?

No one's story is identical. When people talk about their sexual addictions it's strange to me. I can't imagine it. To me, sex is a source of incredible pain and torment. It's odd to think that an addiction to sex and a repulsion to sex can come from the same experiences. It probably wasn't a conscious decision. My mind decided to isolate me and run away from sexuality rather than act out. Who knows why.

It's been nine years since I started to rapidly gain social skills. It's been seven years since I had a college breakdown. I've been sane about seven years. I wish I could stop fixating on the past. God knows I have enough issues to work on in the present. This sense of isolation is really sabotaging some opportunities, especially in the realm of love. Thanks for reminding me that while everyone's story is unique, there are many who understand.


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#310909 - 11/18/09 08:45 PM Re: I was aborted [Re: Bewlayb1]
Emmig Offline


Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 2
Loc: Los Angeles



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#310920 - 11/18/09 11:07 PM Re: I was aborted [Re: Emmig]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thanks, Emmig. I do see similarities between our stories. When I read the word "perfect," I definitely understood you better. I work out as well, hoping to get a "perfect" body. I just don't eat enough to look especially muscular. I try to be perfect in my behavior. I beat myself up every time I don't open the door for someone, or give my seat on the subway to a passenger who needs it more. I'm a perfectionist at work too. Some part of me believes, falsely, that by projecting a perfect image, I'll be whole inside again.

I can also relate to your experiences as an adolescent. My mind was all screwed up. If I had the tools then, I might've continued the pattern of abuse that had begun at eight. In that respect, losing my social skills protected me. It was a blessing and a curse. Subsequently, I had bizarre, almost abduction-like fantasies, because there was no other way sex was possible. Yet, I looked like an innocent angel.

It made me feel better to read about your experiences. I hope you overcome your anxieties with intimacy. I wonder if that's also a blessing and a curse, isolating us, but keeping self-destructive behavior in check. I like to think, when I'm ready, I'll find someone. I thought I was ready in early 2008, and had a really abysmal three-month relationship. Hopefully, this asexuality thing is just like a necessary cocoon. It'll fall away when the time is right. It's tough, though. I wish you luck in your recovery and in finding someone.


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