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#310030 - 11/11/09 04:42 PM Old Topic
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
I know this has probably been discussed many times before and one could ponder this to infinity, but I need to discuss it here, as I am still very confused.

I consider my self Bi. I am not out with that info as most people think that I am 100% strait.
The reason that I am bring this up now is because I would like to start dating and date this one guy in particular.
I would almost be easier if I was just one way or the other, simply Gay or Straight, at least that way I would know.

My problem is that I know that I like and am attracted to women but I also feel a different type of attraction to men in that it is less about physical attraction and very much more emotionally based.
I am still unsure if I am naturally that way or if my abuse is affecting me to a large extent.

I remember in second grade, right before my initial abuse with my first perp began, I remember I had a crush on my friend Eric. It was not in a sexual way cause at the time I still did not know what sex was. This has brought me more confusion.
I am scared that by dating this guy that it maybe me acting out my abuse and i don't want to do that because it is hurtful to me but also could hurtful to him and he is my friend and worth more than that and I would feel terrible if I found out later that was the reason I was dating him.

Any help on this issue no matter what your opinion is would be very much appreciated.

sincerely,
Logan





Edited by Logan (11/11/09 04:45 PM)
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#310037 - 11/11/09 05:12 PM Re: Old Topic [Re: Logan]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Hey Logan

first off I wanna say I think you have some great things to say and I always enjoy learning and reading what others have to say about a variety of issues presented here. Like you, it helps me too read the posts and get insight, but great job, keep up the great work.

Now back to your questions.

This is something I've struggled with myself. Not sure if I'm gay, straight, more and more lately been wondering if I'm bi. This can make it all the more confusing from the abuse and I understand what your saying about whether or not it's the abuse your body is re-creating, re-enacting. I think maybe this is where a professional might be helpful, if available.

I also understand about your concern for feelings like you may be using the other person to figure yourself out more.

These are feelings I've dealt with and really wonder if that's fair but I think in a way for me that comes from being a doormat for years and allowing people to walk over me. It's important for not just survivors but for people to be assertive in life. I'm learning that more and more each day and it feels good to stand up for myself after years of abuse.

One thing I've wondered about myself Logan is I haven't had a really good, close male friend since my abuse. I can remember my best friend before the abuse, and then in a sick twisted way my abuser became my friend, or what I believed to be a friend.

I miss that close bond with a male, have a good friend to just hang out with, I think now when I try and establish new male friends people think it's alterior motives, or they immediately assume I'm gay and trying to get into their pants, so fucking annoying, if you ask me.

I've now come to realize or believe that the purpose of dating is help find out the right fit for a potential mate. Not someone expected to fill holes or things missing but individuals that compliment one another.

Here is my analogy for dating, I think of it like buying some new clothes, you wanna find the pants, shirt, shorts, jacket that just feels right and that is how I see it.

I've talked to other guys on this board about how to go about getting out into the dating scene and trying people on, so speak. The majority have said you gotta put yourself out there.

It sounds like to me you have an opportunity present in your life, now is the hard part, should you or shouldn't you take advantage of this opportunity. I can't answer that for you but, I can say this, your not alone in these feelings.

Now if I could only heed my advice a little better.

Great topic by the way Logan.

Good luck with whatever decision you make bud.

You friend;

Charlie.







Edited by Charlie24 (11/11/09 05:55 PM)

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#310327 - 11/13/09 08:27 PM Re: Old Topic [Re: Charlie24]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
Logan,

Is this the oldest topic ~or~ the hardest topic...???

I do know that...there is a forum specific to sexual indentity issues...so I know you are not alone on this issue.

I practiced a lot of patience personally on this one. (specific to identity).

I agree it would be easier to simply be one way or the other...the middle is not easy...reguardless what others might think.

I agree Charlie is...right on...when he refered to dating...as a trying to find the right fit...(in any given relationship).

I approach all my relationships (including dating)...with an honest, open and willing mindset. That is my standard with both myself and others. If any party cannot agree with this...this is my first sign...that I should move on and date someone else. Here I would start the slow, cautious and natural progression to begin and look for a healthy relatinship...checking the fit as I/We go.

Of course...relationships are a two way street and/so either party can opt out at any time.

I am lucky...that I am in a recovery relationship with a female that understands. I could just as easily be in a relationship with a male that understands. Either way there will be levels of understanding or I am out.(period)


Unfortunately...the rest of the answers...(I believe)...you seek have to come from within...


Meant To Live (Switchfoot)

island



Edited by 1islandboy (11/13/09 08:31 PM)
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#310453 - 11/15/09 01:30 AM Re: Old Topic [Re: 1islandboy]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Hey Logan,

Great topic! I'll reply to this in the response to the email you sent me.

Peace and love...

Michael


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#310454 - 11/15/09 02:09 AM Re: Old Topic [Re: M3]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Logan,

I have a different take on this. I like you have attraction towards certain men that is emotionally based and has little to due with sexual or physical attraction. I don't know what your relationship was like with your father but my father was emotionally absent all my life not just in childhood.
There was one such man I knew in AA that I kept going to and talking with. And I was not certain what it was i was looking to get from him at the time. He even asked me one time what it was that I was seeking from him. at the time I had no idea. But today I see that he had certain qualities that I admired. And in some ways he became the father figure that I needed and he became a key role model for the man I am today.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#310461 - 11/15/09 04:59 AM Re: Old Topic [Re: michael banks]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
I want to give a special Thanks to everyone that responded to this post.

This is all very strange that I am just facing these questions now. It is as if i have just gone through puberty for a second time and all of the emotions that i suppressed for the longest time are beginning reemerge and I don't know how to process it all at once

First off, to Charlie. Thank you for the complement, I am getting better at receiving them, even though I still find some difficulty with that.
I am very glad that you also find some help in the course of just reading posts' that others have made.
I agree with You in that dating is like trying to find the right fit and I like your analogy for it. I unfortunately do not have that much experience in the area and therefore may not recognize a good fit verses a bad one or just not so good one and therefore I guess I should like you said "put my self out there" a little bit more and confront this situation. I am going to do that tomorrow. I will let you know how it turns out.
I would like to say that I am sorry that you are finding difficulty finding a male friendship. I definitely know what that is like. I have found through trial and error that if I just want to be friends with someone I be as fun and happy go lucky as I can be and see if they would want to hang out with me,esspecially if I want to hang out with them and think they are cool, that way we mutually get something from the friendship.

Island, I believe it is the Eternal Question as a friend of mine put it. How much of my abuse determined my sexuality? (to put it blankly) I think I would like to approach this arena with lots of caution, as this all feels extremely new and novel to me. I would like to stay open minded through out the beginning stages of this process, as I am sure the confusion will not clear up all at once. Thank you for the advice as I am sure I will be contemplating it for some time to come.


Mike B, I think you may have nailed this one on the head!
So you are suggesting that it may be Father Hunger, for lack of a better term.
the more that I question and think about this particular example, the more that I agree that that is what it is!
My dad is emotionally unavailable, and all of my attempts to try to get to know the man are futile. He refuses to shed the slightest glimpse of humanity outward. It is as if I refuse to believe and see he for the way that he presents himself, as a cold apathetic human being with a heart made of coal. Shit!
That really sucks!
I am gonna have to think really hard about this one....

Thank you for helping me figure this out a little more and get me a little bit closer to my own truth.

Sincerely,
Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#310513 - 11/15/09 03:35 PM Re: Old Topic [Re: Logan]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
I really wanted to add this. I found it on that website that many of us have found to be an invaluable resource, Straight Guise.
This particular article is about Father Hunger and I think explains it very well and helps clear up so many things not to mention says more than I can on the subject.

http://www.straightguise.com/default.asp?id=1319

I hope you guys find it a helpful as I did.
Also, explore the website and read the other articles there. There is some really great info and it sheds light on so many of the problems and confusion that I have been facing and dealing with.

logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#310519 - 11/15/09 05:55 PM Re: Old Topic [Re: Logan]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
That is something that is very common not just with CSA survivors. When someone has had childhood difficulties with parents, it is common for them to become attracted to older adults that possess qualities or who fulfill those needs we have. This attraction is often mistaken for relationship type attraction instead of just a need for friendship and filling a need in one's life. I've seen this happen with college students and their professors, gay guys that are just coming out with the gay friend who they wish to emulate, or abuse survivors with people who fill voids in their life.

Lots of things to think about Logan. The best thing to do is to take it slowly to protect yourself emotionally.

Peace and love...

Michael


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