Sorry, using bad language some here, maybe it is trigger of some.
I was talking with friend of here online yesterday, and suddenly for some reason, start typing English version of Russian words. I do that sometime in panic, or there is 'other' of me that will sometime speak out in native language. One of those words was zver'. It is Russian word for wild animal, like monster creature. He is monster. They both are, there are so many that are such evil shit people.
I am on medicine, for depression, for just to be crazy in general way, and other medicine for panic, and it is not working now. I am having more flashbacks, I am more being 'not myself', I have no control, and it is THEM, there fucking fault, and I am so sick of them! I am so sick of feeling person on top of me, doing things he do, doing things they do together once, laughing at me, hearing his voice in my head and wanting to throw my head through wall just to get him to shut fuck up, feel him off me. I am sick of being scared always of sleep, my father, he can not even give me sleep, I can ont even be safe then, to do that, why the hell he do that? Why he have to be such crazy lunatic man, so fucked in head phsychotic, torment and torture all time, make me already be messed up person before ever coach even get at me, why nothing at home was safe, not even mom safe, I am terrified, afraid I go sleep and have dream or rememory of something bad my gran do, if that happen, will not handle it, can not lose family more. I try forgive mom for what she do wrong, it not so bad, but still it scare me, that she even does hurt at me, no one ever to trust in family. He is asshole, coach is asshole, and I have to be one who can not sleep, cannot eat, try kill myself for them, to make myself die for them, I let them do that to me with everything esle they do. Wanting so much hurting myself righth now, trying not to do that, not want get in trouble, but all in my head, it is same things father make me say on myself, I am bad, I am stupid, ugly, evil boy, I should die, I kill my brother, I should be dead, not him, do not know how to go on with this, nothing is right, nothing safe, I am not safe, scare of it all, scare of me, trying keep trying, hate it all, hate them, what they do, hate me and what I make them do at me, hate feel bad of me. fuckers, all fuckkers.
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.
"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963