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#310347 - 11/14/09 01:02 AM PTSD and homo triggers
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
I'm not a regular contributor to this section of the forum, nor would I normally belong here because I'm hetero. I just need to get this out and don't really have anywhere else I can do it. Since a certain incident last summer, I've been doing an enormous amount of soul searching about homosexuality and my PTSD. For obvious reasons, homosexuality is one of my triggers, but this is something I really hate about myself. I'm a very secular, accepting individual who should have no problem with homosexuality after all the questioning I went through after the abuse. If anything, I tend to take homophobia very personally. I support gay/lesbian marriage, hate crimes legislation, social security survivor benefits, etc. This is even to the point where I refuse to engage in gay bashing of any kind, even knowing full well how I'm going to be labelled for it. And yet, I have these stupid triggers. They're so offensive to everything I believe in, but I just can't entirely get rid of them. I've been through therapy for this, which helped some, but I still hate having them at all.

Thanks for reading. I hope this doesn't piss anyone off too much...



Edited by Anonymous (11/14/09 01:07 AM)

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#310348 - 11/14/09 01:22 AM Re: PTSD and homo triggers [Re: InsideTheWall]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 208
Loc: Oregon
Not offensive at all, to me. You have strong feelings on a subject that are at odds with your beliefs, a hard position to occupy. Be honest and I will have no problems.

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

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#310351 - 11/14/09 02:17 AM Re: PTSD and homo triggers [Re: philistine]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
One of the things we survivors come here for is to work out how to deal with what we feel, and in some cases, don't feel about things. As Philistine said, be honest about what you are thinking and feeling. I would add, however, that you also question on a deeper level why you feel or think in a particular way.


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#310798 - 11/18/09 02:44 AM Re: PTSD and homo triggers [Re: InsideTheWall]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
After a great deal of reflection, I've come to some conclusions. I've never spoken of alot of this before but I think I've reached a breakthrough in understanding.

1) Part of this comes from my being socially liberal. Also, I can sort of naturally understand the stigma that comes along with it.
2) Part of this comes from the isolation I've always had to deal with, and the constant need for allies
3) Part of this comes from my perfectionism, but I'm getting a little better in this area.
4) This is the big one though. I knew I was PTSD, but I think I might be Complex PTSD. This form tends to occur when the abuse was prolonged, like in my case, or in other long term hostage-like situations. Some therapists think CPTSD is a combination of regular PTSD and Stockholm syndrome. I don't know if the abuse went on for months or years, but the terror of someone finding out only subsided when he moved away. A lessor version of that terror lasted until the memories surfaced a couple of years ago.

The neighbour who did it to me? Self described bisexual.



Edited by Anonymous (11/18/09 03:05 AM)

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#310815 - 11/18/09 07:54 AM Re: PTSD and homo triggers [Re: InsideTheWall]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
great realization anonymous. i'm happy to see you moving closer to your truth.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#310851 - 11/18/09 03:17 PM Re: PTSD and homo triggers [Re: Sans Logos]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I am will Mike and Dewey here - be honest about your struggles and not generalize them to others about homosexuality and I am good.

I am working on NOT taking others comments about homosexuality offensively.

Anonymous, I appreciate your honesty and sharing your thoughts.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#310862 - 11/18/09 04:43 PM Re: PTSD and homo triggers [Re: DJsport]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey guys and Anonymous in particular,

Your most recent post above Anonymous sent me wikipedia-ing with this Stockholm Syndrome. I guess it maybe rang a bell but nothing clear. Without wanting to get into your diagnosis I did want to say how amazing the following was to read. No, downright creepy for me. Creepy yes, but edifying in the extreme in getting to the psychological heart of the matter with many of us. The actual "dissonance" of so many of our feelings about the abuse we all suffered. Anyway, here are a few quotes from the wiki article. Thank you very much Anon for bringing this information to me.

sono


Psychological Explanations

One theory to explain the Stockholm syndrome is cognitive dissonance. Specifically, people don't like being unhappy for long periods of time, as the prospect is in some kidnapping or hostage-taking situations. To resolve the cognitive dissonance, the victim may begin to identify with the captors.[4]
[edit] Psychoanalytic Explanations

The Stockholm syndrome is a psychological shift that occurs in captives when they are threatened gravely but are shown acts of kindness by their captors. Captives who exhibit the syndrome tend to sympathize with and think highly of their captors, at times believing that the captors are showing them favor stemming from inherent kindness. Such captives fail to recognize that their captors' choices are essentially self-serving. When subjected to prolonged captivity, these captives can develop a strong bond with their captors, in some cases including a sexual interest.

According to the psychoanalytic view of the syndrome, this tendency might be the result of employing the strategy evolved by newborn babies to form an emotional attachment to the nearest powerful adult in order to maximize the probability that this adult will enable at the very least the survival of the child, if not also prove to be a good parental figure. This syndrome is considered a prime example for the defence mechanism of identification.[5]

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#311345 - 11/21/09 10:49 PM Re: PTSD and homo triggers [Re: sono]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
The plot thickens. I know this is extremely controversial subject matter, and I really hate the attention it brings me. I've been very tempted to erase everything I've written here and part of the reason why will become obvious a bit further down. This thread started being about PTSD triggers, but its led me to something even more serious than the abuse. In fact, if not for this other problem, I don't think the abuse would have ever happened.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

Its so hard to fight back tears of despair... like being a MS wasn't a hard enough hand in life.



Edited by Anonymous (11/21/09 10:55 PM)

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#311355 - 11/22/09 12:54 AM Re: PTSD and homo triggers [Re: InsideTheWall]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Very interesting subject.
It is something that i have been dealing with since this sexual abuse came to the surface.

My biggest hurdle to overcome is the fact that I (little Pete) loved our male abuser. As i thought that he loved me.
He was the parent(s) that i never had.

Little Pete had (sort of) adopted Ralph as our "mom" & dad.
And until the last few months in therapy have come to the conclusion that it wasn't about his love for little Pete, but his power & control over a loved starvrd little boy.

I have suffered from this advoident personality disorder for about 55 years, right up to this posting.

Heal well my fraternal brothers, heal well.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity".

Little Pete & big Pete...but 1 (Irishmoose).

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#311368 - 11/22/09 05:34 AM Re: PTSD and homo triggers [Re: InsideTheWall]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi anonymous,

much of my recovery i spent focusing on the abuse as well, primarily my life and response to it.

but i began to explore the ron prior to the abuse and realized that he was extremely needy at the time that it occurred, and his response to it was perfectly reasonable considering what had been lacking in his life up to that point.

i see myself in your posts here, so i'd like to share some of my journal with you here:

Originally Posted By: sans logos
it makes sense to me at least that some of my deepest pain is activated when my matriarchal connections are felt to be under attack.

what is my matrix? it is the breast that i suckle for providing my fundamental nourishment. take that breast away from me and yes i begin to question my safety. attack my belief systems and you attack my foundation, which is firmly rooted in my relationship to my matrix. take away my matrix and i revert to an earlier stage of existence, back to the womb where i hide in a cloistered world where no one can touch me.

i think that no matter what stage of life i find myself in, i am eternally bound to live out of the patterns that shaped the paradigm of my earliest matriarchal relationship. that is until and unless i do something to recreate a better model. my own relationship with my birth mother did not provide a good pattern foundation. but all my life i was cursed to keep replicating them in every relationship that i encountered. it never dawned on me before recently that my unrequited relationship with my mother was the root of a major defect in terms of how i failed to connect with others, including myself. she was emotionally and physically unavailable, and the earliest attachment imprints never got wired, leaving a deep hole in me, which got filled when my older brother started using me as his sexual outlet. and in doing so he became my surrogate mother, loving and affirming my entire psychic and physical being.


regarding avoidance:

Originally Posted By: sans logos
i have been pondering is how my frustrated relationship to my matrix/mother/primary care provider never got resolved, caused me to avoid new/strange situations thoughout my life, and left me in such a fearful and anxious state, that i never felt comfortable or confident enough to risk the rejection that would inevitably become a part of approaching strangers for social connection. so i withdrew essentially, and spent all my energies only involving myself in controlled situations where i could interact with people safely in terms of my relationship to them through my musical talents.

seeing this now, and realizing what a big hole this left in my life, is making me rethink my entire approach to life and people. now, i understand how important it is to risk seeing and being myself as not surrounded by the protective wall of my safely cultivated characteristics, and begin to develop the willingness to branch out of that comfort zone. not as scary as i thought it might be, but really just don't know where to begin to allow new experiences to create new wirings to overwrite the old patterns in my brain. ah well, this i will allow time and space to work itself out.


i understand better why i have always feared rejection and lack of safety in my relationships to strangers.

i don't know if this helps, but i sure hope it does not hurt.

all the best,

ron

ps: please don't erase anything. your anonymity is not being compromised by speaking out here. your words are important; they are helping us as much as we are helping you. thanks again for having the courage to face things and share with us so it can help us in our recovery as well.

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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