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#310213 - 11/12/09 08:18 PM My Journal
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6424
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Back when I disclosed the CSA in 2007, at the suggestion of my wife and a therapist, I began keeping a healing journal. Its a black, hard-bound blank paper book where I recorded flashbacks sent to me by my childhood self...sent to the adult me with a voice by the small, scared, hurt, shamed and generally devastated child I was. I recorded the events and horrors experienced by little Robbie so long ago. He could never tell anyone back then as it would have caused him certain doom. But at last, it would all be put in ink, posted here and spoken in plain language.

My journal records milestone after milestone in my healing; Poetry, lists, thoughts, illustrations, fears...My journal holds profound and wise posts from here (MS).

My wife took my journal after having me ejected from the house and separated from my children. My wife gave my precious journal to her lawyer. Her lawyer copied it many times over. She left out one entire section that I worked so hard on achieving. She conveniently left out the section on forgiveness.

Her lawyer distributed the copies to other parties, the judge, the psychologist whom is deciding if I am a danger to my wife and children by virtue of being a survivor. So many people have handled the incomplete copies that I nearly fainted in court when her lawyer ran through the list of those who have seen it or hold a copy.

Her lawyer called the contents of my journal "disgusting" and "deeply disturbing." She treated it as pornography and evidence of a sick mind.

I stand like an 8-yo, in the center of the Colloseum, surrounded by lions. THIS is a level of trauma I never thought I'd feel again. But I am.

I want to be clear; I'm not angry. I'm really not. I'm shocked, deeply hurt and amazed at the depravity of society and people. This nation is not ready to deal with CSA in a healthy way by any stretch of the imagination.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#310239 - 11/12/09 11:44 PM Re: My Journal [Re: Still]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 821
Loc: Ohio
It is one of my greatest fears. That people who know what happened to me will "know" that I am dangerous. The vampire syndrome. The truth is I was so devestated that I couldn't visit that devastation on anyone. While it is true that confusions are caused because lines were crossed with me that should never be crossed, it is not true that I have acted on those confusions. My wife did not understand (although she respects it) my desire that what happened to me not be shared. People view you as damaged goods. The therapist, at my insistence, addressed this issue with my wife. Essentially she said that if I were going to become a perp myself, it would have manifested itself by now. It has not and my wife is OK with that.

I wonder what your lawyer's reaction to this has been.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#310250 - 11/13/09 01:00 AM Re: My Journal [Re: catfish86]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Robbie,

My god, what a strong man you are and what an evil person your ex sounds like. I'm sorry to put it that way, but I'm devestated hearing that one of my own has had that kind of treatment and at the hands of someone you once called wife. Robbie, your story is certanly not over yet!!

Sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#310260 - 11/13/09 02:47 AM Re: My Journal [Re: sono]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Robbie,

Sorry to hear that someone to whom your trusted could find it so easy to violate your privacy in such a cruel and self-serving manner.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#310266 - 11/13/09 07:39 AM Re: My Journal [Re: michael banks]
riz Offline


Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 123
Hey Robbie,

I have not been around here for quite awhile now. But I saw this today and I had to comment. Reading what happened with your journal makes me feel as though I've been kicked in the stomach, as it always does when I am reminded of the cruelty and ignorance of the society we are living in. Peace, man.

xox,
Riz


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#310269 - 11/13/09 08:12 AM Re: My Journal [Re: catfish86]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6424
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: catfish86

I wonder what your lawyer's reaction to this has been.


My lawyer has been clear on the topic, understanding and humane. We walked into the initial hearing expecting an enlightened experience. We never expected to be SO villified by virtue of my victimhood.

The pleading they filed against me actually had NONE, not ONE instance of violence or maltreatment or ANY past incident to use as evidence. It was 100% (100%) based upon speculations surrounding the myths of CSA survivors. The MYTHS got traction in court.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#310295 - 11/13/09 03:11 PM Re: My Journal [Re: Still]
ComicBookGuy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
I would hope that your lawyer requested the complete journal/missing section to be turned over, copied and presented - or if that section has been torn out, to show that to the judge to show that it had been deliberately edited and taken out of context.

When this process is over with, sue her for breach of copyright as it's your journal, and have lost money were you ever going to publish it as a book (which of course, you weren't - but she doesn't have to know that, and your kids should have access to the whole thing in future).



Edited by ComicBookGuy (11/13/09 03:12 PM)
_________________________
- CBG

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#310333 - 11/13/09 09:20 PM Re: My Journal [Re: ComicBookGuy]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6424
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: ComicBookGuy
When this process is over with, sue her for breach of copyright as it's your journal, and have lost money were you ever going to publish it as a book (which of course, you weren't - but she doesn't have to know that, and your kids should have access to the whole thing in future).


I ensured that the key person got the entire version. As it turned out, the judge had no objection to the journal being used as it IS a discoverable item. My greatest issue is the pain and horror involved in people I don't even know, reading my "unspeakables." And for her attorney to judge it all "disgusting"...well, I'll say she's indicative of too many of the general population.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#310334 - 11/13/09 09:41 PM Re: My Journal [Re: Still]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
welcome to re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-revictimization. mad

ah, the legacy of abuse cry

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#310342 - 11/13/09 10:31 PM Re: My Journal [Re: Sans Logos]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 821
Loc: Ohio
Let us know what the final outcome is on this. You never know, many people react to this type of thing by looking on the betrayal and vindictiveness of such an act and reflect on the party doing it. Hopefully your attorney pointed out, yes, it is clear my client has had horrible things done to him, but please note that none of these acts were done BY my client.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#310350 - 11/14/09 02:10 AM Re: My Journal [Re: catfish86]
givemestrength Offline


Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 26
Oh my gosh! Sadly you are right Robbie society is so ignorant and naieve to the fact that csa even happens let alone it's effects...I'm sorry such an negative, innaccurate understanding that so many people hold has effected you personally...can't imagine how much that must have hurt you...
I know you said you aren't angry but I think we should be...otherwiae how is this innaccurate perception going to change? (sorry will climb back down off my soapbox now...that was partly the wife of a survivor and partly the social worker in me talking...)

I'm so sorry for your hurt from this latest betrayal and injustice...good on you for connecting with everyone on here through your posts...hope it helps you get through this...

You are not disgusting....the lack of awareness and compassion you (and csa in general) is shown is disgusting!


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#310795 - 11/18/09 01:57 AM Re: My Journal [Re: givemestrength]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I'm very sorry that your wife is as cruel of a person as she is. I can't imagine betraying my husband in such a disgusting way. I'm not sure how she is looking at herself in mirror. It is the most self serving thing I have ever heard. Being that she has lived with you she must know how that would cause you pain and trama. She didn't care, she cares only about "winning" at all costs. She has some issues that are honestly pretty scary. I have read your posts over the past year and you have been a person who is hurt and needs support and also someone who is there to offer support. There is nothing evil about you. You have been damaged and hurt by the lowest of the low and none of that is your fault, how dare someone use your abuse against you. I'm pissed for you, I can't imagine how you are feeling. I hope you can fight back somehow, but I'm sure you are feeling pretty darn defeated. How that can't be a breach of privacy I don't know. I just know it's wrong on every level. I'm wishing you good luck. I wish there was something to be done but I know there is nothing......take care.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#311213 - 11/20/09 08:38 PM Re: My Journal [Re: dangal]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
Rob,

I am so angry that your wife did this. I am so angry that people are so stupid. If this had happened to me i would go absolutely crazy. It pains me because i know how much you love your children. It boggles my mind. You have helped me in my healing, and it really hurts to see you being treated this way. I really hope this works out well and you get justice.

Lewis

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#311224 - 11/20/09 09:58 PM Re: My Journal [Re: king tut]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 821
Loc: Ohio
One thing I have learned, being a paralegal and involved in litigation: Sometimes dropping a big bombshell on your opponent has a backlash effect as a judge or jury looks at the person dropping the bomb with one thought: WHAT AN A%$HOLE! They then are reluctant to give credence to anything that person says. Just stick to you guns as far as "Yes, I have suffered terribly. But remember that I haven't DONE anything."

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Top
#312485 - 12/01/09 01:02 AM Re: My Journal [Re: catfish86]
Shadow+Walker Offline


Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 287
Loc: desolate foggy nights, USA
Robbie,
I've been on the road and haven't checked in at MS for about a month. Wow - This IS a gut punch!!! It makes me royally pissed off for you! I have always respected and honored people who can journal. I just can't bring myself to do it because my fear of violation has kept me from being able to do this kind of work in my recovery. I write a page or two and have to destroy it for fear that somebody may read what happened to me or what I think about it. I am scared spitless until I shred or burn it. So what happened to you really raises my hackles. I second what Catfish86 just said about your attorney hopefully pointing out that what happened TO you is not what is done BY you. A victim is a victim and if they aren't supposed to feel hurt and angry then why do criminal courts allow victim impact statements to be presented? Just because it is civil court does that mean that victims are not allowed to have normal reactions to really abnormal and creepy things that happened to them? Well if the judge is no more astute than that, then thank God he / she isn't sitting on the bench in the criminal court!!!!!
Peace,
Shadow+Walker


_________________________
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. (St Paul, 2Timothy 1:7) NIV

Check out a cool song by a hot band..."Unbreakable" by Fireflight: official video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRJAHaOrYg

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#313135 - 12/05/09 11:26 PM Re: My Journal [Re: Shadow+Walker]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6424
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I have little use for people whom exploit weak points like she does. This is all very sad. My kids miss me and I miss them terribly. Its been 8 FULL FARGING MONTHS and $50,000 since being able to see my kids without a supervisor sitting next to me.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#313138 - 12/05/09 11:51 PM Re: My Journal [Re: Still]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother.

My brother Robbie, i do not have eloquent words, But, my brother, i offer litle Pete & big Pete's compassion, understanding & love.

I hope that someday you will get the peace & serenity that you so richly deserve.

Heal well my brother Robbie. heal well.

Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose).

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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