Back when I disclosed the CSA in 2007, at the suggestion of my wife and a therapist, I began keeping a healing journal. Its a black, hard-bound blank paper book where I recorded flashbacks sent to me by my childhood self...sent to the adult me with a voice by the small, scared, hurt, shamed and generally devastated child I was. I recorded the events and horrors experienced by little Robbie so long ago. He could never tell anyone back then as it would have caused him certain doom. But at last, it would all be put in ink, posted here and spoken in plain language.

My journal records milestone after milestone in my healing; Poetry, lists, thoughts, illustrations, fears...My journal holds profound and wise posts from here (MS).

My wife took my journal after having me ejected from the house and separated from my children. My wife gave my precious journal to her lawyer. Her lawyer copied it many times over. She left out one entire section that I worked so hard on achieving. She conveniently left out the section on forgiveness.

Her lawyer distributed the copies to other parties, the judge, the psychologist whom is deciding if I am a danger to my wife and children by virtue of being a survivor. So many people have handled the incomplete copies that I nearly fainted in court when her lawyer ran through the list of those who have seen it or hold a copy.

Her lawyer called the contents of my journal "disgusting" and "deeply disturbing." She treated it as pornography and evidence of a sick mind.

I stand like an 8-yo, in the center of the Colloseum, surrounded by lions. THIS is a level of trauma I never thought I'd feel again. But I am.

I want to be clear; I'm not angry. I'm really not. I'm shocked, deeply hurt and amazed at the depravity of society and people. This nation is not ready to deal with CSA in a healthy way by any stretch of the imagination.

It is one of my greatest fears. That people who know what happened to me will "know" that I am dangerous. The vampire syndrome. The truth is I was so devestated that I couldn't visit that devastation on anyone. While it is true that confusions are caused because lines were crossed with me that should never be crossed, it is not true that I have acted on those confusions. My wife did not understand (although she respects it) my desire that what happened to me not be shared. People view you as damaged goods. The therapist, at my insistence, addressed this issue with my wife. Essentially she said that if I were going to become a perp myself, it would have manifested itself by now. It has not and my wife is OK with that.

I wonder what your lawyer's reaction to this has been.

Robbie,

My god, what a strong man you are and what an evil person your ex sounds like. I'm sorry to put it that way, but I'm devestated hearing that one of my own has had that kind of treatment and at the hands of someone you once called wife. Robbie, your story is certanly not over yet!!

Sono

Robbie,

Sorry to hear that someone to whom your trusted could find it so easy to violate your privacy in such a cruel and self-serving manner.

Mike

Hey Robbie,

I have not been around here for quite awhile now. But I saw this today and I had to comment. Reading what happened with your journal makes me feel as though I've been kicked in the stomach, as it always does when I am reminded of the cruelty and ignorance of the society we are living in. Peace, man.

xox,
Riz

My lawyer has been clear on the topic, understanding and humane. We walked into the initial hearing expecting an enlightened experience. We never expected to be SO villified by virtue of my victimhood.

The pleading they filed against me actually had NONE, not ONE instance of violence or maltreatment or ANY past incident to use as evidence. It was 100% (100%) based upon speculations surrounding the myths of CSA survivors. The MYTHS got traction in court.

I would hope that your lawyer requested the complete journal/missing section to be turned over, copied and presented - or if that section has been torn out, to show that to the judge to show that it had been deliberately edited and taken out of context.

When this process is over with, sue her for breach of copyright as it's your journal, and have lost money were you ever going to publish it as a book (which of course, you weren't - but she doesn't have to know that, and your kids should have access to the whole thing in future).

I ensured that the key person got the entire version. As it turned out, the judge had no objection to the journal being used as it IS a discoverable item. My greatest issue is the pain and horror involved in people I don't even know, reading my "unspeakables." And for her attorney to judge it all "disgusting"...well, I'll say she's indicative of too many of the general population.

welcome to re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-revictimization.

ah, the legacy of abuse

Let us know what the final outcome is on this. You never know, many people react to this type of thing by looking on the betrayal and vindictiveness of such an act and reflect on the party doing it. Hopefully your attorney pointed out, yes, it is clear my client has had horrible things done to him, but please note that none of these acts were done BY my client.