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#310180 - 11/12/09 05:06 PM Sex addiction
Rabbit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/05
Posts: 91
Loc: San Francisco
Hi, guys. It's been a while since I've felt the need to post here, but life is an interesting journey...

It's been almost two years since my last relationship ended. Since then, I've fallen back into my old rut. The more introspective I become, the more I believe I am dealing with two, conflicting compulsions.

I don't trust anyone.

I think of everyone through a filter of sexual desire.

So, I want to be sexually free with all that I trust, and I can trust no one. I've coped through masturbation and numbing myself with drugs - if you call that coping. Things get really problematic when I do engage with someone that I find trustworthy and sexy. I masturbate at least twice a day, sometimes more. As my fellow gay men know, sex between men is all about the money shot. I can't fake it. Even when I'm not running on E from compulsive masturbation; I can't relax enough to achieve orgasm because I'm on high alert...can I trust this person????!?!

I've been seeing the same therapist for several years. We have a good relationship, but he has a boundary around talking about sex. I think I need to challenge this boundary and determine if this relationship will serve me in the future.

Anyone out there relate to me?

Recapping: sex addict who fears intimacy and has difficulty trusting others, sabotaging chances for intimacy due to excessive masturbation and sedation.

Peace...

_________________________
Your love should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger

Only to someone who has the valor and daring to cut pieces of their soul off with a knife then weave them into a blanket to protect you

There are different wells within us, some fill with each good rain

Others are far, far too deep for that

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#310194 - 11/12/09 05:53 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Rabbit]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Rabbit.

Good to meet you.

I understand everything your saying about the money shot.

This is so demeaning I think.

I got a therapist who I can too about the sex.

It is great to share and grow in non threatening ways.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

Top
#310196 - 11/12/09 06:04 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: DJsport]
Rabbit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/05
Posts: 91
Loc: San Francisco
Thanks, DJ.

Isn't it interesting how the psyche is like an onion, the more layers you peel, the more layers you find...

Carrying on.

_________________________
Your love should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger

Only to someone who has the valor and daring to cut pieces of their soul off with a knife then weave them into a blanket to protect you

There are different wells within us, some fill with each good rain

Others are far, far too deep for that

Top
#310398 - 11/14/09 04:20 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Rabbit]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Rabbit;

Welcome back. Nice to meet you.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#310409 - 11/14/09 06:30 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Rabbit]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Rabbit
...I've been seeing the same therapist for several years. We have a good relationship, but he has a boundary around talking about sex....


Hi rabbit - love the I.D., I have one, really. :-)

To business at hand though, I'm really curious -- what does it mean to have a boundary around talking about sex?

_________________________
Jeff

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#310415 - 11/14/09 07:28 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: westchesterguy]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Hi Rabbit,

I'm sure that being seen through a sexual filter is common among many surivivors, including me. I see it as us being used for someone else's desires, notwithstanding how we felt as kids.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#310416 - 11/14/09 07:44 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: westchesterguy]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Rabbit,

I can certainly see how being in a relationship with someone who you perceive as trustworthy and are sexually attracted to would bring up issues of trust and intimacy in both the physcial and emotional sense, as you mention. Whenever I have the urge to masturbate or sedate myself before encountering someone in an intimate situation I now know I do this out of fear. If I can refrain from doing these things before the encounter then I am forced to be present as much as possible when I do encounter them.

Just because you perceive someone as being trustwothy doesn't mean that they have earned your trust. Trust, especially for us survivors, has to be learned in relation to another who honors our trust in them. But you have to at least have a little trust to get yourself into a situation of vulnerability where you can have that experience of having your trust honored. That, I believe, takes a certain amount of faith for us survivors to do, because our past has taught us that people aren't trustworthy, so we're functioning with those tapes and messages playing in our unconscious mind as we move through life.

In other words, you have to be open to trusting another person whom you perceive to be trustworthy enough to put yourself in a vulnerable position with them. You said you have "difficulty" trusting others. That says to me that you haven't closed off your mind to the option that you could find it in yourself to take a leap of faith and be vulnerable with someone whom you perceive to be trustworthy. You're open minded in this respect, and that's great, as you have found out it isn't easy to put your trust in another who maybe you'd like to put your trust in.

Just one last thing. Trust takes time to build, especially for us survivors. So try to go easy on yourself as you discover and confront these issues in your life, as it is a self-protective defense mechanism that kicks in in potentially intimate situations, and we as survivors should respect that and take things slow when we need to, but at the same time still challenge ourselves in gradual steps out of our comfort zone. Right now, the contrast between how you'd like to be and how you are is very strong, so this may have you feeling discouraged and impatient with yourself to the point where you just give up. Again, here I'd say when another opportunity presents itself respect the fact that trust takes time and experience to build.

It sounds like you have great insight into yourself and your behaviors. I think that it's important to see how our patterns of not being able to trust play out in our lives so that we can begin to do something about them. You're definitely at that point now. You deserve credit for reaching this point and for wanting to do something about it.

Good to meet you,

Rocco





Edited by Casmir213 (11/14/09 07:50 PM)
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#310419 - 11/14/09 08:27 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Casmir213]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Rabbit,

I think the thing with counselors is this: They are only capable of taking us so far. Every counselor has their weaknesses; topics that they are not well versed in or are not comfortable with. When the time comes that we need to address an issue that falls within our counselor's weak areas, then we have to find someone else who can take us where we need to go. I've found this to be the case on a few occasions along my journey.

Dwayne


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#310420 - 11/14/09 08:33 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Dewey2k]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Rabbit,

I too like Dewey have found that I have had several different T's during my years of recovery. and each and everytime I have had to work my way thu the trust issue but it has gotten alot better. Still addressing masturbation as a coping mechanism. Slowly but surely i am getting there.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#310526 - 11/15/09 06:47 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: michael banks]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Rabbit,

My first therapist wouldn't talk about my sexual abuse. She wanted work on my anger issues but talking about the abuse was never going to be on the agenda. (This is also a woman who wad determined to convinced me that I wasn't gay either.)

Anyway, if there are things you need to work on and your therapist won't, find one who will. You need to do what is best for you and you need to get the care that you deserve.

Peace and love Rabbit (and welcome back to the site)...

Michael


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#310628 - 11/16/09 02:21 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: M3]
Rabbit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/05
Posts: 91
Loc: San Francisco
Wow...I'm a bit overwhelmed with the response.

I see my long time therapist today, and it is my intention to talk about what I need to talk about, and if he's not able to continue on this leg of the journey, I'll find another.

I feel I've made great progress over the years, but every so often a new sticking point emerges. This is that sticking point.

_________________________
Your love should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger

Only to someone who has the valor and daring to cut pieces of their soul off with a knife then weave them into a blanket to protect you

There are different wells within us, some fill with each good rain

Others are far, far too deep for that

Top
#310733 - 11/17/09 04:28 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Rabbit]
Rabbit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/05
Posts: 91
Loc: San Francisco
Here's an update:

I spoke directly with my therapist yesterday about the possibility that I've got sexuality and intimacy fused into one. I crave intimacy, and I confuse it for sex. Add in a healthy dose of your basic survivor's "I don't trust anyone not to hurt me," and you've got the recipe for my current state.

I have to give my therapist, Jim, props for getting on board. He said, "I may have avoided talking about sex with you before, but are you willing to give me a chance to grow with you?" And the discussion was on. For the first time in several weeks, I could feel the raw edge of actual pyschological work. Hooray.

Are my problems behind me? Hell, no. But at least I know I'm on the path to greater understanding. I've acted unconsciously so much of my life that understanding and acceptance are signs of growth.

_________________________
Your love should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger

Only to someone who has the valor and daring to cut pieces of their soul off with a knife then weave them into a blanket to protect you

There are different wells within us, some fill with each good rain

Others are far, far too deep for that

Top
#310758 - 11/17/09 08:41 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Rabbit]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Rabbit,

I think you have an even better understanding now of why you engaged in MB and sedation before becoming sexually intimate. Fusing sexuality with intimacy and struggling with trusting others would definitely account for that.

I'm glad that your therapist is on board with regard to you talking about what you want to talk about with him. That I can tell has opened up the discussion to give you more freedom to talk about things that are relevant to your recovery. Great news on that for sure.

Good luck with everthing,

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

Top
#310760 - 11/17/09 09:08 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Casmir213]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
Truly your recovery is a journey. You can never really tell where you are going. I was last in therapy for MB issues and the fact that I was having gay fantasy . I expected to cure the MB addiction and the fantasy(I know those would not be goals for many, but they were my goals). What I ended up with was accepting the fact I was attracted to males but I was also attracted to females. I also accepted the fact that for whatever reason, the MB was not going to stop. I grew to be able to comfortably be married to a woman and have been for 17 years (not without ANY conflict, but this is real life). I am happy on the path I am on. Others find different paths. I have recently taken some new turns in recovering memories of abuse that was always suspected. Fortunately I was very honest about my past, habits and attractions with my wife. At that time she had to grow to be able to accept me for who I was. She was able to help me in dealing with my recovered memories after some very tense moments. Hopefully your therapist has wisdom and can grow to help guide you.



Edited by catfish86 (11/17/09 09:12 PM)
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Top
#310764 - 11/17/09 09:22 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: catfish86]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
bravo catfish. thanks for sharing that witness. your message resonates: it's OK to be a sexual person.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#310812 - 11/18/09 07:23 AM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Sans Logos]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
Thanks Ron,

You know, a lot of people do forget that it was God who created the orgasm. Sexuality in and of itself is not a sin.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Top
#310867 - 11/18/09 05:32 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: catfish86]
Rabbit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/05
Posts: 91
Loc: San Francisco
Thanks for the replies, men.

I've got a healthy appreciation for sexual expression, AND an internal FUNdamentalist critic who likes to scream 'Whore!' like the Housewives of New Jersey.

I think if I had help back in my twenties, I would have landed squarely in the no man's land of bisexuality. But, that's a long time ago and I believe that road has been closed due to neglect.

As part of my process, I'm drawing a road map to my psyche, or trying to. Sometimes, I hold the pen in my hand and cry. Other times, I draw fortresses of isolation and moats of substance abuse.

Having a partner who is willing to travel this journey with us is very empowering. Two years ago, I thought I had that but I was mistaken.

_________________________
Your love should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger

Only to someone who has the valor and daring to cut pieces of their soul off with a knife then weave them into a blanket to protect you

There are different wells within us, some fill with each good rain

Others are far, far too deep for that

Top
#310871 - 11/18/09 06:16 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: catfish86]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: catfish86


You know, a lot of people do forget that it was God who created the orgasm. Sexuality in and of itself is not a sin.


NOT all have the same focus about GOD the creator. And this message can be shaming in itself depending on ones upbringing.

It is nice to know your opinion.

Rabbit - I am glad you posted this thread.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

Top
#310885 - 11/18/09 07:15 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Rabbit]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Rabbit
...Having a partner who is willing to travel this journey with us is very empowering....


Of course. The real question, in my opinion, do these partners exist or is it a fantasy that we've created? My straw count shows anyone in a relationship says "they exist" and single folks say "it is a fantasy." lol.

_________________________
Jeff

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#310989 - 11/19/09 03:20 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: westchesterguy]
Rabbit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/05
Posts: 91
Loc: San Francisco
Well, I'm single and I say, "He exists."

Why?

Cause I'm single, and I exist. I have the potential to be a wonderful partner, lover, husband. I've been that man in the past, and I'll be that man again. (It just won't be with a man 20 years my junior or a man who is a sometimes sex worker.)

Fantasy gets in the way when I think I can make him into HIM. Know what I mean?

_________________________
Your love should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger

Only to someone who has the valor and daring to cut pieces of their soul off with a knife then weave them into a blanket to protect you

There are different wells within us, some fill with each good rain

Others are far, far too deep for that

Top
#311039 - 11/19/09 09:58 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Rabbit]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
Sometimes love is the art of realizing what you can truly expect and what you are and are not willing to accept.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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