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#310180 - 11/12/09 05:06 PM Sex addiction
Rabbit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/05
Posts: 91
Loc: San Francisco
Hi, guys. It's been a while since I've felt the need to post here, but life is an interesting journey...

It's been almost two years since my last relationship ended. Since then, I've fallen back into my old rut. The more introspective I become, the more I believe I am dealing with two, conflicting compulsions.

I don't trust anyone.

I think of everyone through a filter of sexual desire.

So, I want to be sexually free with all that I trust, and I can trust no one. I've coped through masturbation and numbing myself with drugs - if you call that coping. Things get really problematic when I do engage with someone that I find trustworthy and sexy. I masturbate at least twice a day, sometimes more. As my fellow gay men know, sex between men is all about the money shot. I can't fake it. Even when I'm not running on E from compulsive masturbation; I can't relax enough to achieve orgasm because I'm on high alert...can I trust this person????!?!

I've been seeing the same therapist for several years. We have a good relationship, but he has a boundary around talking about sex. I think I need to challenge this boundary and determine if this relationship will serve me in the future.

Anyone out there relate to me?

Recapping: sex addict who fears intimacy and has difficulty trusting others, sabotaging chances for intimacy due to excessive masturbation and sedation.

Peace...

_________________________
Your love should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger

Only to someone who has the valor and daring to cut pieces of their soul off with a knife then weave them into a blanket to protect you

There are different wells within us, some fill with each good rain

Others are far, far too deep for that

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#310194 - 11/12/09 05:53 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Rabbit]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Rabbit.

Good to meet you.

I understand everything your saying about the money shot.

This is so demeaning I think.

I got a therapist who I can too about the sex.

It is great to share and grow in non threatening ways.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#310196 - 11/12/09 06:04 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: DJsport]
Rabbit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/05
Posts: 91
Loc: San Francisco
Thanks, DJ.

Isn't it interesting how the psyche is like an onion, the more layers you peel, the more layers you find...

Carrying on.

_________________________
Your love should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger

Only to someone who has the valor and daring to cut pieces of their soul off with a knife then weave them into a blanket to protect you

There are different wells within us, some fill with each good rain

Others are far, far too deep for that

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#310398 - 11/14/09 04:20 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Rabbit]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Rabbit;

Welcome back. Nice to meet you.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#310409 - 11/14/09 06:30 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Rabbit]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Rabbit
...I've been seeing the same therapist for several years. We have a good relationship, but he has a boundary around talking about sex....


Hi rabbit - love the I.D., I have one, really. :-)

To business at hand though, I'm really curious -- what does it mean to have a boundary around talking about sex?

_________________________
Jeff

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#310415 - 11/14/09 07:28 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: westchesterguy]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Hi Rabbit,

I'm sure that being seen through a sexual filter is common among many surivivors, including me. I see it as us being used for someone else's desires, notwithstanding how we felt as kids.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#310416 - 11/14/09 07:44 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: westchesterguy]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Rabbit,

I can certainly see how being in a relationship with someone who you perceive as trustworthy and are sexually attracted to would bring up issues of trust and intimacy in both the physcial and emotional sense, as you mention. Whenever I have the urge to masturbate or sedate myself before encountering someone in an intimate situation I now know I do this out of fear. If I can refrain from doing these things before the encounter then I am forced to be present as much as possible when I do encounter them.

Just because you perceive someone as being trustwothy doesn't mean that they have earned your trust. Trust, especially for us survivors, has to be learned in relation to another who honors our trust in them. But you have to at least have a little trust to get yourself into a situation of vulnerability where you can have that experience of having your trust honored. That, I believe, takes a certain amount of faith for us survivors to do, because our past has taught us that people aren't trustworthy, so we're functioning with those tapes and messages playing in our unconscious mind as we move through life.

In other words, you have to be open to trusting another person whom you perceive to be trustworthy enough to put yourself in a vulnerable position with them. You said you have "difficulty" trusting others. That says to me that you haven't closed off your mind to the option that you could find it in yourself to take a leap of faith and be vulnerable with someone whom you perceive to be trustworthy. You're open minded in this respect, and that's great, as you have found out it isn't easy to put your trust in another who maybe you'd like to put your trust in.

Just one last thing. Trust takes time to build, especially for us survivors. So try to go easy on yourself as you discover and confront these issues in your life, as it is a self-protective defense mechanism that kicks in in potentially intimate situations, and we as survivors should respect that and take things slow when we need to, but at the same time still challenge ourselves in gradual steps out of our comfort zone. Right now, the contrast between how you'd like to be and how you are is very strong, so this may have you feeling discouraged and impatient with yourself to the point where you just give up. Again, here I'd say when another opportunity presents itself respect the fact that trust takes time and experience to build.

It sounds like you have great insight into yourself and your behaviors. I think that it's important to see how our patterns of not being able to trust play out in our lives so that we can begin to do something about them. You're definitely at that point now. You deserve credit for reaching this point and for wanting to do something about it.

Good to meet you,

Rocco





Edited by Casmir213 (11/14/09 07:50 PM)
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#310419 - 11/14/09 08:27 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Casmir213]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Rabbit,

I think the thing with counselors is this: They are only capable of taking us so far. Every counselor has their weaknesses; topics that they are not well versed in or are not comfortable with. When the time comes that we need to address an issue that falls within our counselor's weak areas, then we have to find someone else who can take us where we need to go. I've found this to be the case on a few occasions along my journey.

Dwayne


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#310420 - 11/14/09 08:33 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Dewey2k]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Rabbit,

I too like Dewey have found that I have had several different T's during my years of recovery. and each and everytime I have had to work my way thu the trust issue but it has gotten alot better. Still addressing masturbation as a coping mechanism. Slowly but surely i am getting there.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#310526 - 11/15/09 06:47 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: michael banks]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Rabbit,

My first therapist wouldn't talk about my sexual abuse. She wanted work on my anger issues but talking about the abuse was never going to be on the agenda. (This is also a woman who wad determined to convinced me that I wasn't gay either.)

Anyway, if there are things you need to work on and your therapist won't, find one who will. You need to do what is best for you and you need to get the care that you deserve.

Peace and love Rabbit (and welcome back to the site)...

Michael


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