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#31011 - 03/05/04 10:46 AM Two Weeks and Counting...
LupinIII Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/04
Posts: 156
It was two weeks ago that I had my "awakening" and my life is forever changed.

Since that time I have been on an emotional rollercoaster that is finally beginning to provide more good feelings than bad. Here are some things I would like to share/get off me chest:

1) I am very thankful that I was already in Alanon. The revelation/memories of incest blew me away, but it would have been worse if I wasn't involved with the 12 steps. My weekly group has also been helpful in allowing me to share, cry and feel like there is hope. There is also a woman in the group who has shared that she was subjected to SA as a kid as well. She has been open to talking with me and that has been helpful as well.

2) It is amazing how the memories come and go. Sometimes I think directly about the abuse and other times just about my mother and grandmother. At first I feel guilty about not talking to them, especially my grandmother, but then i think about all the madness that has come down the pike and it makes a lot of that guilt go away. Removing myself from their insanity is not only for my sake, but for the sake of my children.

3) I genuinely believe the only way through this is thorugh it. I need to go through this carwash of insanity and hope that i come out waxed and clean. I have not found a therapist and my experience with the local SA center has been horrendous. However between this board, my group and a sh!tload of reading I am in a pretty good position information wise.

4) Before this happened I was examining my life. I began to have desires for a simpler life and to finally allow my creative self to run free. I am sick of living my life in the f-ed up sales world, chasing a dollar that I have never saved. The price is not worth it. When this happened two weeks ago, I thought I would be thrown more off track than Howard Dean's campaign. However, this whole messed up thing has strengthened my position. I wasn't actively thinking about any of these issues and it really bothered me......and then....BAM this morining a boatload of things hit me. I realized that it was brewing inside of me.

5) Until two weeks ago I felt a lot of pain about my past and things that were robbed from me. Today I feel really sober about the idea that I can never go back. It has really sunk in. I always secretly wished I could go back and never really understood why i couldn't (physics aside). Now I know I can't go back. It hurts like a bitch, but I know in my heart of hearts that its true. I can really work on accepting my past losses and putting them to bed.

6) On the negative side, I have found myself really irritated by silly things and silly people. I need to get back to the idea of minding my own business and not being bothered by those who really shouldn't bother me. I am too snippy even with my wife and I need to calm that down.

Thanks for letting me post this. Thanks for having this board.

And for gods sake Mets fans have suffered enough, LET'S GO METS!!!


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#31012 - 03/05/04 11:37 AM Re: Two Weeks and Counting...
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Lupin 111: We all come to that in our recovery. The realization that that was then and this is now. My slogan is "I will not let my past influence my future for it is there that I will spend the rest of my life" I always remembered the past but never thought it was a big deal. Well it damned near killed me three times and put me in harms way a hell of a lot. I tink we have to accept the past because it happened but change our feelings and emotions around the past. You know: shame, guilt, fear, loathing disgust. We all do it. For a fact I have had, up until recently, had a whol lot of problems with authority (real or imagined) Not any more.

You said

Quote:
6) On the negative side, I have found myself really irritated by silly things and silly people. I need to get back to the idea of minding my own business and not being bothered by those who really shouldn't bother me. I am too snippy even with my wife and I need to calm that down.
Now that is a tough one. I am just like that. What I try and do is count to 10 , take deep breaths or get up and go someplace like the water cooler or fo a coffee. At home I try to make a real effort to not be snippy with my wife. Does not always work but I am working on it.


I think that we do have to confront our past in order to recognize what we are dealing with. Not a ghost or spectre but real stuff.

Lupin you are doing great my brother. keep it up

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#31013 - 03/07/04 01:10 AM Re: Two Weeks and Counting...
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Lupin,

I am very glad that most of your experience in the past two weeks has been like 'awakening' for you, and helpful to you, instead of only negative. I am glad that you already had some support systems in place. You started out I think ahead of many people who are new at healing. You are also being able to look at things quite rationally right now (something that I still often can not do!)

As for the memories, well, sometime they come and go, and details are not there and then will come in. There is nothing surprising of that, there is much I had forgotten, and some things that I never even knew as 'myself' truly. It does come back, I do trust that happens.

As for being easily irritated with 'silly' right now, I think that is something natural also. Look at what you are mentally dealing with right now, and of course, anything stupid or silly is going to try your patience. You are dealing with something highly important to your safety and mental health. Your energy is rather spoken for right now. Do not be to hard with yourself on that, just try to be civil!

Continued good luck.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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