Guys I remember when I first posted my story and it was a step in the right direction.
When I posted before I gave the readers digest version of my story, which at the time was probably enough.
Now I wanna get more of it out.
Please be warned, this may be very triggering and graphic, but I need to get this shit out guys. WARNING AHEAD!!!!
Now that I have that disclaimer out of the way, I wanna get to my story.
Growing up I was always a happy go lucky kid. I loved life, nature, people, loved having a good time, just enjoyed being alive. Was fascinated by the world around me. I enjoyed exploring it.
I loved playing with Legos, boy do I miss those things, they were so much fun. All the cool things you could build, I remember watching the Little Mermaid, An American Tail, Fivel Goes West. I loved the music and just cartoons.
So many great shows, I loved Mr. Rogers, one time I was watching and the t.v. started to smoke and catch on fire, crazy shit from my childhood.
I had a best friend and life was good.
Then I met my abuser. It all started out inocently, we were friends, and neighbors. Remember being friends with the kid next door.
Well my next door neighbor friend turned out to be my abuser.
It all started one day when he wanted to touch me, inappropriately, I didn't really understand it all but he touched my privates, I touched his.
I was so naive, just a scared little boy, I think I liked to please people growing up.
This touching of genitals continued for a while. I remember asking another friend if wanted to do this with me, he got really mad. I assumed all boys did this.
Then my abuser took me further. He made me perform sexual acts on him and made me have sex with him. He would get into the shower with me and tell me to do things to him.
I can remember it now so vividly, it makes me sick. He would tell me how to please him and tell me I was doing it wrong and get mad at me.
I never understood any of it.
My mom used to get mad and was probably suspicious of something going on.
This continued for several years at least 4 - 5 years maybe more.
All this time I'm thinking this is what boys and male do together, do all these dirty sexual things.
I even remember him peneatrating me and just hating it and not understand it all, and just feeling so ashamed.
I think my sister caught us one time, not sure what was happening but she thought I was gay.
Told my whole family I was gay, convinced me I was gay, you fucking.
I thought these sexual things were normal. It continued on for a while. He liked to touch me and wanted me to touch him. I felt obliged to do these sick things with him, a fucking pervert he was. Taking advantage of me. I just didn't know what I was doing.
I remember the last time he asked me to have sex with him or do some sexual act with him.
We were riding bikes in the neighborhood with other kids, I said NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It stopped, first time I stood up for myself.
I didn't wanna do it anymore. I hated it. I hated him, that fucker. Sick perverted kid.
My life started to fall apart after this, I was in middle school and kids started calling me faggot, queer, spreaing rumors I was gay. Said I liked to have sex with other guys, that fucker probably told everyone, I hate him. Other kids in school used to embarrass me and give me shit, those fuck.
He was doing all this shit with his younger brother, tried to get me involved with it.
When I look back now I can realize this isn't what healthy kids do. I was taken advantage by a sick pervert who got his own selfish needs met.
I would be suprised if he was abused, where do kids learn to do that shit, I mean all these sexual acts how does a 9,10 year old know this, god I was naive.
As a result of the abuse I have a hard time relating to other guys. I can get intimidated by other guys, fear that they are gonna hurt me again. I'm angry at myself for this happening, I'm angry this fucker did this to me.
Part of the reason I moved away from my shithole of a town Muskegon, MI, don't ever go there, it's a dump, I know from personal experience.
It didn't get better in highschool it actually got worse.
My brother and I are the same age and then it's 2 years apart for my elder sisters.
I remember these kids used to give me shit in school and then they knew my sister and would try and be all buddy buddy with me, fuckers and then I would call them on it and then my sister would get pissed at me.
I love to call people on shit today, no more taking crap from others, yeah I'm nice but you fuck with me and I will call you on it. Take no shit kinda attitude.
Luckily people who peak in high school usually end up owning their father's/uncle's/grandfather's car wash, gas station, used car lot.
I haven't hit my peak yet, thank god I'm done with the high school shit. It was a horrible time for me. Thank god that chapter is done for good. I don't wanna go back, just too painful for me.
After high school ended people tried to be buddy buddy with me, people who gave me shit wanted to be my friend. Such bullshit, I told them off, go bleep yourself.
I am angry, I'm frustrated, I'm lonely. I'm going through my recovery.
This shit is hard.
This boy who abused me, messed up my life. I'm more confused than I've ever been and I hate myself for it.
I hate that he took away the part of me that I want back, that little boy who was a good, caring, compassionate guy.
Being able to get out of my hometown was a good thing for me. Get away from those people.
They are assholes and I'm a nice guy. Don't wanna know what they are doing, don't care anymore.
Still fucking assholes, ran into a few on a planeride home, they were talking about me and staring at me.
Well guys, thanks for letting me get this shit out.
I think I needed it.