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#310080 - 11/11/09 10:44 PM I Need To Vent (Trigger, Warning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Guys I haven't posted my own topic in a while, partly I've been so damn busy but partly because I'm just fucking exhausted.

I'm a 25 year old college student who is a senior at a major university. I've been going non-stop since May 2006 and probably won't be done until Spring 2011, god I feel so fucking stupid and while I know I'm not my grades sure don't say that for me.

I try to make it through each day and be positive and just live my life but I have days where I just fucking loose it and just can't deal with it. The stress gets high and it just is so confusing.

The pain of the abuse at times is too much. I realize I need help and until I get insurance it's not gonna do much for me.

Thank god for you guys, for the people here I'm able to talk too.

I feel like I try to meet people in my classes and what not but it seems like everyone is paired off, I'm just so fucking lonely. I get tired of it, I really do. Try to put myself out there and just feel so alone and afraid. It's just too much at times.

I wonder if I'm trying too much.

I'm stressed out also from college. I have a couple teachers on these fucking power trips and they play mind fuck games with students. It's just too much for me. Why can't you just say what you fucking mean (to my professors), why is your ego so fragile you have to get off on making others feel like shit (again directed at my professors).

I feel like college just makes me question everything to my core and I'm just unsure if I'm doing anything right anymore.

Why is life so fucking hard?

I'm not finding any resolve on my sexual orientation.

I feel like I'm fantasizing to please guys cause that is what I did with my abuser, whether or not I want to and just hate that and then feel physically ill after words.

Then tack on my OCD and that just makes everything worse. Cause I start second guessing myself. I hate that about myself.

God this is some heavy shit we are all dealing with, and boy it is too much at times.

I'm really wishing I could be zapped like M.I.B. and just forget everything, I think that would help me.

Guys how do you deal with all shit, some simple tips would be greatly appreciated.

I exercise and eat as best I can fruits and veggies, it gets so old being on a gluten, dairy and soy free diet. Seeing people just pick up pizza and fries and just pig out, I miss doing that, no one wants to hang out with someone who is a Debbie Downer cause they can't eat any of the food.

Burn out is getting to me badly and sadly I really don't have much of a life outside of school.

Thought about volunteering to get out of my mind, thinking I should actually follow through and stop saying I'm going to
do it.

I could really use a hug right now, a nice healthy/safe hug, just could use as Rick Springfield says the human touch, right about now.

Oh guys, thanks for being here for me, for not judging me, for allowing me to get this out, boy is this really heavy shit we are dealing with in our lives.


TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER



I'm mostly fucking angry at my abuser for taking advantage of me, a NICE FUCKING GUY who was so naive that he got abused, god you fucker burn in hell(To My ABUSER).

Thank god for you guys.

Charlie.



Edited by Charlie24 (11/11/09 10:48 PM)

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#310111 - 11/12/09 01:50 AM Re: I Need To Vent (Trigger, Warning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) [Re: Charlie24]
sportinrucks Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 422
Loc: Louisiana
lol dude see myself like you when i was younger, even though youre a bit older really working hard and taking care of myself, then the going got tough i took the easy way out im stressed out to trying to get into a major university my mental illnesses are making it really hard for me I probably will have to file for academic amnesty because i was being an idiot theres grad school down the toilet. Idk Im wishing I was at a major university right now.


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#310114 - 11/12/09 02:07 AM Re: I Need To Vent (Trigger, Warning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) [Re: Charlie24]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
(((((Charlie)))))

OK, first let me tell you that University, in addition to whatever degree you're gonna get is centered around the weeding out process. It's meant to make you question everything...They don't make anything easy, kind of on purpose. Then add in jackass professors, just like jackass co-workers and jackass bosses and you've got the scene which is all constructed to make life difficult. The good news is, you're in the home stretch now. I guess it probably doesn't feel like that to you, but believe me, when you can say anything will be done in the next academic year, that's soon!! So basically what I'm saying, is that what you're feeling is normal. But I feel convinced you're one of those who will not let the system beat you down!!!! My wife and I always said we were glad we went to a big university, 40,000 students when we went there, because it was really great preparation for real life when no one's holding your hand and you gotta just make your way through...

One word about the professors, well for many their egos are indeed so small they can only get off by holding their relative power over their students by continually redesigning the hoops through which they must jump. I've spent some time since I was a student, (which, as you know was when Kyrie Elieson was new) and there's no point in trying to suss out what those guys are up to...you'll find the good ones every now and then, and tons of lame assholes. Just accept them as evidence of life being what it is...the good news is, you get used to how to deal with them now, and you're set for life...there'll always be those jokers!!!

Other advice...I'd go for the pizza every now and then, if you like the taste.

My quoting skills suck so I'm gonna quote like this:

You said:

I'm not finding any resolve on my sexual orientation.

I feel like I'm fantasizing to please guys cause that is what I did with my abuser, whether or not I want to and just hate that and then feel physically ill after words.


I just wanted to say to that Charlie...I think you seem to have some clarity there you've perhaps not acknowledged even to yourself. I know this...I have frequently had the answer...not realized it was the answer; couldn't believe that was the answer, or that I finally had the answer; doubted my answer even after I knew it was true. The shit this puts in our heads in extremely insiduous...it's important to know what is your truth and what is their lies and bullshit....not always so easy or clear to see that. I"m proud of you for trying to see that and answer it for yourself in the way you are already at your age. I sure wish I had!

And that's an EXCELLENT, AWESOME final sentence!!!!!!!!!!!


sono

"the road that I must travel"

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#310117 - 11/12/09 02:27 AM Re: I Need To Vent (Trigger, Warning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) [Re: sono]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 209
Loc: Oregon
((((((((((((Charlie))))))))))))

If you are at a university you probably have student health insurance, part of tuition, use it.
The school has therapists on staff, use them.
If the problem is pre-existing condition, see a therapist for a new condition.
Remember to breath, when everything starts to close in, stop and take some deep breaths, feel the air moving into and out of your lungs, sounds basic and dumb, but it works.
Give yourself a break, you are being to hard on yourself.

You are doing the best you can. Continue and you get a piece of paper and a brighter future, it is worth it.

I'm 42 and back in school, it's hard. Do it now, it becomes more difficult to go back if you leave.

Hang in there

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

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#310122 - 11/12/09 02:51 AM Re: I Need To Vent (Trigger, Warning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) [Re: philistine]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
(((((charlie))))))


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#310125 - 11/12/09 03:27 AM Re: I Need To Vent (Trigger, Warning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) [Re: sono]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
You in Flag or down south? Southwest Airlines flies to Denver for $59 each way from Phoenix, might do a body good to get away from it all for a little vacation??? Maybe hang around with the Denver crowd for the weekend, do what Mountain men do?

We have openings in the 2nd and 3rd weekends of December. Don't know what to tell you about Alan, he might be moving to Virginia. Bring your boards, you and Eric can go skiing, maybe I could even make a few runs too.

There are options for you to get a little R&R with people who will understand you.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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