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#310002 - 11/11/09 10:34 AM It Begins- Consolidation
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
edited because of TMI



Edited by kidneythis (11/13/09 07:36 AM)

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#310006 - 11/11/09 11:50 AM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I think this is too much information


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#310062 - 11/11/09 09:23 PM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Edited



Edited by kidneythis (11/19/09 07:54 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#310066 - 11/11/09 09:42 PM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
I have trouble tracking time, is that common among us?


i think the extreme depends on the person. for instance i am extremely hypervigilant about time. i don't carry a watch, nor do i set a clock, but i always guess within minutes what time it is, and i wake up whenever i need to be awake.

i don't live a 9-5 work schedule, so my patterns are different than most people's and becaue i have so much flexible time, my sense of time often seems compressed.

i struggle to avoid reinforcing the patterns that seem to constrain the sense of time in my life.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#310165 - 11/12/09 02:52 PM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
edited



Edited by kidneythis (11/19/09 07:55 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#310174 - 11/12/09 04:31 PM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
TMI again.



Edited by kidneythis (11/13/09 07:52 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#310216 - 11/12/09 08:40 PM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
edited




Edited by kidneythis (11/19/09 07:56 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#310268 - 11/13/09 08:04 AM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
edited



Edited by kidneythis (11/19/09 07:57 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#310503 - 11/15/09 01:30 PM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
edited



Edited by kidneythis (11/19/09 07:59 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#310505 - 11/15/09 01:51 PM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Kidneythis.

I am here.....

I am listening....

I understand....

For me, sometimes just having someone to listen and understand is all I need....

Peace,
DJ

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#310609 - 11/16/09 09:34 AM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: DJsport]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
edited



Edited by kidneythis (11/19/09 07:59 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#310827 - 11/18/09 10:50 AM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558

edited



Edited by kidneythis (11/19/09 08:02 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#310836 - 11/18/09 12:44 PM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
kidney, i see you've edited out some of your previous post in this thread.

i keep an online journal here as well that is separate from my posts [sometimes i incorporate them as well]. doing so has helped me document the lineage of my thought process over the course of my healing for the last year and a half. i've been in recovery for so long, it helps me to remember where i'm coming from. and of course i have nothing to hide [you're only as sick as your secrets, it is said], and nothing to be ashamed of, even though i have done things that i am not proud of. but those things stemmed from the experience of being abused, and even earlier, from my desperate attempts to get my love needs filled.

at any rate, i feel that even if i type something that i am loathe to remain available for the public consumption, i rather take it as an opportunity to explore the deeper meaning residing in my fear of being scrutinized.

i guess i'm saying all that as a suggestion not to censor yourself for fear of being criticized. people will do that anyway out of their own ignorance. and their lack of understanding will contribute nothing to advancing your recovery anyway. you are the one that has to live in your skin. if people don't like what they see, they can always avert their eyes and carry on with the protective pretense that it's not really there, until they are ready to face the denial of the false self. but as recovery advances and the heart becomes confident, the faint of heart will readily look into the mirror of your soul and dare to see their own self glaring back at them in your words. we do people a great service when we provide them with a safe opportunity to raise their hand and humbly say 'yea, me too'.

of course everyone has their own time table for recovery. but i believe in being honest, facing and accepting our own weakness and vulnerability. avoiding the truth only leads to living life in repetitive circles rather than soaring spirals.

i am glad you are here and i am inspired that you are speaking out.

all the best,

ron



_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#310880 - 11/18/09 06:50 PM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: Sans Logos]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Thanks

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#310942 - 11/19/09 08:15 AM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I've removed my postings because I don't feel safe posting them here for the public to read.
It is also compounded by the fact that one of my posts in another thread was deleted, re-posted then deleted again. I think it was actually edited in that middle incarnation. That makes this a very poor choice of place to work things out in writing for me.
I was never notified of any offense or that it was being done. The post was supportive and instructive.
I'll look in for info and post things I think are safe but I'm done sharing here.



Edited by kidneythis (11/19/09 08:16 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#310951 - 11/19/09 09:07 AM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
J1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 137
Loc: Missouri
Kidney:
i am new to sharing in here..I originally joined and never engaged in any chats or posts until i had a meltdown about 60 days ago. I am glad you are here. I made some tactical errors in my early postings and was corrected by a moderator. At first I was pissed and put off, but I just moved on. Another issue was my opinion that certain chats had evolved into a private circle and as a newcomer I felt it was elitist and marginalizing to me as a new participant. I emailed a moderator and they reviewed the issue.

Clearly we all have the safety of not divulging our personal details and actual locations, or precise demographics. I think that alone, keeps this as a very safe, nurturing place. Stay tuned, and Thank You for being involved.
Jeff


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#310954 - 11/19/09 09:24 AM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: J1]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I don't see how that relates but thanks for the encouragement. I also donít see why my post was deleted, edited then re-posted, and not marked as such, then deleted again.




Edited by kidneythis (11/19/09 10:11 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#311031 - 11/19/09 08:55 PM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
OK now I feel stupid. Apparently the same guy posted in multiple forums with the same title. I posted in one of them and I guess I wasn't paying attention to the subforum until I saw the title in the forum I didn't post in.
As for editing? IDK I was probably in a state as I have been quite a bit lately.
Good thing my abuse prepared me for this isolation or I'd really go crazy :-P



Edited by kidneythis (11/19/09 08:56 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#311045 - 11/19/09 10:29 PM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
well, i'm glad things worked out in everyone's favor! as for having a bad hair day.....join the club. we've all been there, and promise to be some time again in the future. whistle

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#311049 - 11/19/09 11:25 PM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: Sans Logos]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
How about a "losing my hair" day? Man, have I lived a life of stress!! I know, welcome to the club. But on a serious note, thanks Ron for your post here about leading a life free of secrets and being open and honest. I needed that one at the moment.

And kidneythis and Jeff, nice to meet you both.

Eric


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#311140 - 11/20/09 11:23 AM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I think some of you have the wrong idea about my deciding not to want to post. I am not ashamed or embarrassed about any of it. I am a miracle for having achieved mediocrity.
The nearly successful intent of the torture I endured at the shelter was to make me retarded and insane so I'd have to spend my life in an institution.
I have enemies in the world, people who seem to have made it an avocation to cause me harm. I do not know them personally I only know them by the signs they leave*. This is compounded and partly encouraged and caused by my communication problems. I have expressive aphasia** but I am high functioning. I appear normal but because I had it inflicted at such a developmentally critical time I didn't get to have the critical exchanges that answer and explain the world to a child. My abusers deeply enjoyed the idea that I would be trapped in my mind fully aware and unable to communicate with people. They had finally deduced after a couple of years of me telling them that my ability to be right was not magic or me somehow using whitey tricks, I was simply taught how to think and to ask the questions that lead to the answer. So interfering with my ability to ask those questions became the tactic used to undermine me and finally bring me down. They thrilled at what they began to learn and took much pleasure in denying it to me.

* I was injured at work and the medical treatment I got ended up turning a nothing injury into 100% disability. I have only recently began to figure out what is going on with my medical care. http://www.patient-safety.com/blacklisting_patients.htm
And I am hermit like because of my aphasia, in a strange town which I was snookered into buying in. The people here are quite evil and xenophobic to the point of practically not even allowing news from outside the area in. They have taken great pleasure in stripping me of my retirement settlement and doing as shoddy a job as possible and the inspector passes it. They've sicced the IRS on me to strip away my savings as well. It is coming oout of the local office because I get it fixed and another bill comes And somehow my phone calls with the people who fix the problem aren't in the record after I get a new bill. I nearly lost my home because of the credit union conning me into an ARM and I am now twice as far into debt as I had invested into this place when I took it out. I had to refi from a nearly paid off 15 year mortgage to a 30 year mortgage at 2.625% higher rate. I'm not happy and the regulators are just as corrupt.


**http://www.aphasia.org/ They sat around in front of me openly thinking of ways to harm me w/o leaving a mark on my body that would leave lasting damage and make my life hard.




Edited by kidneythis (11/20/09 11:41 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#311161 - 11/20/09 02:31 PM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hey kidney, i appreciate learning more about you. thanks for sharing about your life struggles. you've been thru a lot and you deserve to heal.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#311218 - 11/20/09 09:12 PM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: Sans Logos]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
kidney

I'm sorry for all your troubles. You didn't need more trouble did you. I hope you can heal here.

Sometimes when I was new to this MS site, I would spend time writing a post and then hit the 'preview' button. Then I would forget to hit the 'submit' button. Is it possible you might have not hit the submit button?

Allen

pufferfish


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#311373 - 11/22/09 09:04 AM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
OOps



Edited by kidneythis (11/22/09 09:06 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#311374 - 11/22/09 09:05 AM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Knowing why I have been feeling like I'm going crazy doesn't help and it is hard not to stay angry all the time that aside from the xenophobic and racist bigotry I face here, people I trusted with and paid for my care have acted with impunity to protect people they know have caused harm.
Apparently the blacklist extends to any place I might get help for the damage done. What I have been offered in the way of mental health care is a therapeutic situation that seems based on the idea that 'if you don't bring up the things that caused this problem to arise now, cause you the most pain, and are the most intrusive upon your mind, we'll try to help you suppress it. Preferably with drugs. That way if you do manage to finally find an honest person, we can point to the unnecessary drugs and say you're crazy.'
For me the abuse has picked up right where it left off. Only the people and part of the motivation for it have changed.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#311547 - 11/23/09 09:37 PM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Let's see I got up after a bad night. Posted a lame opinion on here, then tried to distract myself all day watching videos online. I ignored the phone and then I cam back on here to read and post again.
another day not much more progress except I was succesful at distracting myself today.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top
#311578 - 11/24/09 08:31 AM Re: It Begins- Consolidation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
last night was worse than the night before. I got out of bed at 4. My back is screaming, the damage inflicted is really chewing me up. My ribs pop out for no other reason than I am sitting here.
the cloud of mental anguish is swirling over me and threatening to drag me down again.
why is it so hard to find honest people here in Oregon?

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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