My mind is going insane it is 5:43 am I am still thinking of things that I do not want to be thinking about. Sometimes I just think that if I gave into my cravings for male companionship (if that's what you can call it) or ending things I might feel better!! I fell so bad for my family because I do not know how to feel! I go to a therapist for the first time tommorow I cannot wait. What do I do about all these thoughts I feel possessed by the devil I even talk to my bad thoughts trying to get them to leave me alone. I am tempted and do not want to be. I hate him so much for doing this to me but at the same time I forgive him and see him at times at family functions and act like everything is just fine while in my mid thinking what are you thinking. God make all this hurt stop!!

Sorry to hear this, new member Tolico!! I am however very happy to hear that you're going to a therapist tomorrow. I don't know how you deal with seeing your perp on an even somewhat regular basis. I truly don't know I'd deal with that. You might have to re-think that as you proceed in recovery. Many survivors have had to do what is right for them even without their family's understanding. I sincerely hope you have a therapist who is able to put all of these PTSD symptoms you've spoken of into the proper context of having been abused!!!!

Keep talking it out, it helps.

sono

Tolico,

This stuff just ain't easy. It takes a brave man to face his demons - seriously! Unfortunately that is really the only way to Recovery.

Great to hear that your are seeing a T. I hope that he/she helps you in your journey.

Please remember that many guys here have similar struggles but have found a balance and peace in life. I'm not there yet, but I am starting to believe that it is possible for me.

Jim

Guys:

I too, am fairly new to sharing in here..but MS has been a very strong tool in my arsenal of recovery and survival. In my own day to day challenges, I find I waiver between a need to get drunk on certain nights...and the similar desires to hook up with a guy for sex...no intimacy, no expectation of a relationship...just a quick fix that doesnt even make sense at the time.

I have added a few things to my routine ,with the idea I can be stronger. More fitness...taking walks, getting back into the gym and starting back up with martial arts..this helps a lot because I get worn out, I think a bit better and I cannot be hungover without major pain! Cooking and eating healthier, and exploring new places with healthy friends.

As in drug placebos, and mind control...I firmly think one can add new strength to our brain and thinking, by loading up on better nutrition, less noise ( turn off the tv..) and fitness..even guys in wheelchairs can get out...I see those veterans on artificial legs running around the track...so there is little excuse not to get some exercise in. AND its Veterans Day here in the States, so I salute those who served.
We survive...and explore the world, seeing the good parts...at last..
Thanks guys..
Jeff

tolico,

I hope your T appointment went well. This stuff is SO hard at first. Just hang in there and keep reaching out. Keep talking and it will get easier. That chatter in your head can start to diminish and when you notice that you want to keep at it. None of us can make go away and disappear what happened, but we can learn to deal with it and understand better how it has affected our lives. We can start to identify our self-defeating behaviors and start to change them into healthier habits that will make life better. It is a journey but one well worth embarking on. Welcome to MS and share what is comfortable whenever you feel like doing so.

Eric

hi tolico.

Welcome to MS.

I understand your thinking.

One day at a time. This stuff is tough but does get better as you discover yourself and what happened.

Peace,
DJ