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#309833 - 11/09/09 09:10 PM visibility & trust
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Guys.

I was presented with a task in my T group tonight. It is NOT an assignment so to speak.

NOT intending to, I was dominating the group. This happens inside of me a lot. It was explained to me tonight that other group members care about me and know I am NOT invisible but I still act as if I am invisible. Instead of listening to their feedback I was dismiss it and then struggle to be heard again. The T explained it is like - I am this little boy who got left behind and I am running to catch up.

I need to trust my own place in life. I m getting better at it. I do struggle with feeling invisible. I got 10 steps ahead of others and others are looking at me "like what are you talking about".

I hate silence. This is in contradiction to what my signature line states.

Does this make sense?

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#309836 - 11/09/09 09:31 PM Re: visibility & trust [Re: DJsport]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Hi DJ,

It looks like you got some valuable feedback today from your group. It's easy for us to forget that group support is a two-way street when we're engulfed in our own pain. It's quite a bit different from our 1 on 1 counseling sessions with a T. That time is 100% ME time.

Most times I do like having the oportunity to encourage others. However, sometimes I do want to be quite or want to all the focus. It's weird.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#309848 - 11/09/09 11:28 PM Re: visibility & trust [Re: Barkabus]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
DJ,

I can definitely relate to being out of sync with other people, of being either steps ahead or steps behind, anywhere but along side of them, that's too scary, and I think it does have to do with trusting others.

Silence, yes it's uncomfortable for me also. There's truth and intimacy in silence, and that's scary too.

Something I learned at the WoR was mindfulness techniques, and how to stay in the present moment. Words can be barriers to intimacy and our ability to connect with others sometimes, as they can easily take us out of the present moment. Breathing deeply and concentrating on your breathing is a good way to stay in the present moment. Maybe trying this before and during your next group session would be helpful DJ. Also, I found that making eye contact with others in a group setting, while although scary for me, can keep me in the present moment. I tend to think that people don't like me, and making eye contact can disconfirm this belief that I carry with me wherever I go. It's a way to allow concrete evidence from my immediate environment to disrupt that negative self-talk that goes on inside of my head, and it helps to relax me and keep me present.

I'm glad you shared this with us DJ, and it does sound like you are making progress. Good work.

Best wishes,

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#309852 - 11/09/09 11:47 PM Re: visibility & trust [Re: DJsport]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
"I hate silence."

As someone who is very extroverted so do I. It feels very uncomfortable yet I've learned to embrace silence more, realizing, for me anyways, that sometimes talking is just a way to cover up for how I am really feeling. As far as how I relate to others goes let me give you an analogy - My ex is very introverted and I used to get frustrated with her for not providing feedback when I would being speaking to her. One day I came out and expressed this to her. Her response was "your not giving me time to respond". Since that conversation I give pause after saying something to allow her time to foment her thoughts. Within a few seconds of silence I would get the most amazing feeback from her in regards to what I was saying. Anyways just one example. JS

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#309854 - 11/09/09 11:55 PM Re: visibility & trust [Re: Casmir213]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: Casmir213


mindfulness techniques, and how to stay in the present moment.


Rocco and Mike.

Wonderful comforting feedback. In my T group and here I bare my soul. I am finding Donnie and he was hurt badly. AND, I am wanting to hear others too but, I know now I am limited in my ability.

I do need to take deep breaths. I care about all.

The issue for me is how do I get my need met to be heard as I listen very well to others and have forever.

I hope I have communicated to others I care even when I have been angry with my perp.

I am also realizing I am not shy anymore about sharing my story. The old tapes still play.

I get confused in conversations where one asks the other how are you - oh I am fine - but then the other is asked how are you and they tell. The one who says I am fine gets mad cause the other is dominating. For me this a short version of the book "men are from mars and women are from venus".

Well the above I posted a special thread about.

I like learning....

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#309858 - 11/10/09 12:20 AM Re: visibility & trust [Re: jls]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
DJ,

This use to happen to me all the time...

Sometimes, I would start halfway into a conversation...because my time to talk used to be during the t.v. commercial.

Other times...I would dominate a conversation simply because I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.

I have learned to give other people my undivided attention by going to A.A. meetings and working within my recovery network on this issue.

I don't think of myself as narcissistic...I just default to self...when life gets too complicated. Amazingly enough I can learn a lot of interesting stuff about others by simply stepping back and listening. It actually helps me to be MORE comfortable in my skin...by getting outside of myself in this fashion.


Ironic (Alanis Morissette)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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