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#308974 - 11/02/09 01:10 AM Unexpected Turns on Halloween Night
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
I wanted to be a koala bear for Halloween, a were-koala. I was inspired by my dream in which an army of koala bears caused havoc in the city. It wasn't a nightmare; they were just kind of mischievous, halfway between Gizmo and the bad gremlins.

There was likely a psychological reason behind that choice. I kept thinking of Bjork when she punched out that reporter years ago: cute, but dangerous. I have a temper. One time a stranger grabbed me in a bar. I slammed my elbow into his chest and walked away. I smiled all the while, just like Bjork might do.

I worked hard on my costume. Halloween's been my favorite holiday since childhood. There must be something psychological to that too: slipping into the skin of someone, or something else, losing my identity. Unfortunately, though my costume and make-up were awesome, I looked much more a wolf-man than a killer koala. My face is too narrow. Nonetheless, I had a great night. Once my make-up was off, I kissed someone for the first time since April 2008.

It seemed the night would go a different way. I wrote a few times about a bartender at my favorite bar. I've liked him for about six years. He's had a longterm boyfriend. We've always flirted. We kissed once, awhile ago. Then, he backed off. I don't think he cheats on his boyfriend, though I'm not positive. I sense a lot of ambivalence coming from him. About a month ago, I gave him a short story I wrote, a really good one. He read it. From the story, it's obvious I was sexually abused. I think my writing moved him. His reaction impressed me, because so many have accused me of lying, or said it was my fault. You guys know how it goes. He's a special person.

We've been talking more, whenever I go there. So, I thought, with my cool get-up, he'd just melt for me. He did, sort of. He laughed. We talked briefly. Yet, I mostly stayed away from him. I told myself it was because he was too busy. The bar was jam-packed. Still, I think it was that I realized he cared for me, whether or not he was willing to leave his boyfriend. It made me uneasy in ways I don't fully understood. Part of it is that he has a boyfriend, but not all of it.

Around two o'clock, which suddenly became one o'clock again, someone else showed up. He was a good friend of my friend who committed suicide. We always got along well, had chemistry. I saw much less of him after my friend died. He resented my other friend, who he partially blamed for my friend's death. He's young, twenty-three. I'm twenty-seven.

He's smart, nice, handsome. Maybe it's a mistake to pick out qualities I dislike in someone, but I have to be honest with myself. His youthfulness can be tiresome to me. At twenty-three, I acted very young, but in some ways, I was very old: beaten down and wise. I knew madness. For a decade, I rarely spoke. The stuff he cares about often seems foreign to me. But, as I learned too well, baggage has its drawbacks. Anyway, who am I to call anyone childish? I was the one standing around in a "koala" suit.

Long story short, we hit it off. He said he always wanted to see more of me. I said I'd like to meet him sometime. We exchanged numbers and made out. His vampire teeth kept knocking into mine. Based on my friends advice, I'll call him tomorrow. I don't want to seem desperate. I'm not. The last twenty months of celibacy haven't been bad at all. I'm so content alone that it scares me.

There are a couple of things I'm worried about. First, losing my independence. I need to write, or I feel useless. And, I tried so hard not to act repulsed, not to flinch from him, or sabotage it, that I came across as detached. "I always liked you." I assured him. It's true, but I could feel him wondering why I wasn't swelling with joy, or regretful. Lastly, I question my motivations for wanting to see him. I fear it may only be to change: my surroundings, my attitude, my outlook on love. Is that a good reason, to force myself to grow?

Regardless, I'm looking forward to our date, whenever it may be. Wish me luck. And, please give me advice. I don't make the best decisions in love. (Major understatement.)


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#309029 - 11/02/09 01:28 PM Re: Unexpected Turns on Halloween Night [Re: Bewlayb1]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Bewlayb.

It sounds like you had a great time. I wish you luck and have fun as you are.

Knowing your feelings and intentions and a plan of action before you get into vulnerable situations will be helpful.

I would NOT think about the possible outcomes therefore would react badly.

I know certain statements like the one you mention above "I like you" can be triggers for me. I melt like butter and have a tendency to loose site of my needs.

Have fun ok.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#309752 - 11/09/09 12:02 AM Re: Unexpected Turns on Halloween Night [Re: DJsport]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Thanks for that reply, DJ. Anyway, a week later, that unexpected turn has turned into a dead end. I sent a text to that guy. He said he was at work. He'd call me back, but he never did. I liked him. I'm disappointed, but I'm not surprised.

I wonder, again, for the millionth time, if I could possibly love a man. Not love: I've felt deeply for at least one. It just seems like men treat other so badly. Maybe society is to blame. How can you have a healthy relationship when you've been taught since childhood to hate who you are? I mean, what the hell! I'm an honest, decent person. I want to be kind, understanding, supportive, loving. I'm willing to give my energy and my heart. Sex makes me sick. But I think, maybe, if I truly care about someone, it can be good. I'm not given the chance.

I feel like he just didn't understand me. Perhaps he was expecting us to hook up that night. Maybe I confused him by treating him with respect, or trying to start something the right way. I feel as if I've been silently ridiculed.

Oh well. I'm stubborn. I'll never stop believing that there's someone out there for me. It could be a man. It could be a woman. I believe that love will come if I don't give up and keep my intentions pure. Still, rejection hurts.


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