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#309282 - 11/04/09 12:55 PM I've made a decision
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
Hi.

I'm posting this here because I've mentioned the subject here before and Trish and others will recognize it.

For about 9 years now, sinse being around 17 I've desired a form of closeness with someone, ---- something I've sensed others have, and have not experienced myself.

It was this desire that ran me into trouble with **** and started me on recovery.

I don't deny that this is something I' stil feeling, but every attempt to get somewhere with this has hurt.

Whether it's online dating, trying to battle my own fears and make my feelings known to someone else (sinse from my point of view nobody has ever been interested in me), or just considdering my relationship to friends and my hope.

It's caused hours of pain and suffering to me, many nightmares and other problems..

I've decided to quit.

I don't know whether I'm particularly hateful, ugly, born under the wrong star or what, but nothing works. I've been told too many lies by people of what a great boyfriend/husband I'd make someone, aout "just give it time" ---- even "I'm flattered" on the occasions I have made my feelings known.

Well no more.

Obviously this is just something in life whicch works for others and not for me.

Part of me feels quite bitter about this decision, but continually looking and getting nowhere, and trying to feel hopeful after all this time serves no point.

I'll stil be around onms, and stil be continuing with recovery work, sinse there are fears and tiggers to fi in other places, ---- but I'll try and forget about my hope that all this will lead to what I'm looking for.

I don't feel right about saying this eally, ---- it just doesn't seem right to give up like this, ---- and I hope it's a decision I can sustain, but I'm sick of feeling hurt, jealousand lacking, and I'm sick of hearing lies that lead nowhere.

II'm sorry to eveyone who's had o endure my constant wining about my lack of a relationship, ---- I'll try my absolute best not to do it again, ---- sinse that's just pure self-pity.


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#309283 - 11/04/09 01:06 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
(((Luke))


s

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#309285 - 11/04/09 01:13 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
luke, i support your decision to give up the search for now, but not to throw out the baby with the bath water. maybe just step away from the whole thing for a bit, then head back in to explore what on the underside of all this at a time when you are able to think and feel less subjectively about it. let's make a deal that we'll at least continue the discussion at some point.....shake?

your friend,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#309294 - 11/04/09 02:04 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: Sans Logos]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Ron.

thanks for not saying "give it time"

I can't unfortunately see how anything could change though.

I'll stil make friends of both gendas, go out for coffee, etc, ---- as I always have done, ---- heck, I spent three hours in a cafe with a girl I met at an undergrad lecture yesterday, just drinking coffee and chatting, ---- not that I wanted to do anything else at this point (as usual I have no idea why she's friends with me, ---- and find it impossible to tink that she could be interested in being anything more).

As I've said though, if I had a pound for every girl Ive done that with I'd be extremely rich.

there is nothing different I can or will do, it's not a question of starting or stopping a search, sinse other than my Eharmony failure, I haven't searched, ---- I've just been stupid enough to develope feelings for female friends from time to time, ----- feelings which have never been, ---- and I'm increasingly starting to believe can never be, ---- shared.

I'll just forget about hoping that anything will change, ---- that's all.

To an extent this feels like giving up, ---- which very much goes against my nature, but from another angle this feels like a relief.


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#309301 - 11/04/09 03:05 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Luke,

I have found when i am seeking something too desperately people have a sense of this and back away from me. But when I can relax and not seek something so badly it seems to come to me when i am ready for it.

When i was a kid i use to play baseball. It in the empty field playing with my friends I was pretty good at it. But during little league and having my dad as my coach I would always put too much pressure on myself to excel so that my father would
approve of me. This pressure for approval or acceptance from my father caused me too be unable to relax and play to the best of my ability. And my over effort caused me to make allot of mistakes that I didn't normally make. Which only increased the pressure to play better which created an unbearable cycle that took all the joy of game away for me.
I also played football(American) and my father was not my coach.
I was not the best player but i always played to the best of my ability because of the joy and love of the game.

I guess my point is too focus on those things that you enjoy and are good at. And not too so desperately seek that which we do not have right now. It will happen when you are ready for and least expect it.

Mike


_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#309306 - 11/04/09 04:05 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
my mother told me once that you can be happy, and be alone, (was she trying to tell me something?..thnx mom for the vote of confidence)...perhaps she is right....but personally....i dont want to be alone,...i want a relationship....but i think the harder you look the harder it is to find....so im not avtively looking....plus i want to fix some stuff before i get involved again with someone....i want to be in the best posible state, with the best possible attitude....

comming to terms with my own shortcommings i think has helped me get past some of the rejection...understanding that i am not going to be everyones ideal partner,...and that also works in reverse...not everyone is going to be my ideal partner...not everyone is going to find me attractive, just like i dont find everyone attractive,....as horrible as i might think that realization is,..its a reality....

but somewhere out there, someone is looking for someone just like me.....im here, im here!!

_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#309310 - 11/04/09 04:27 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: myboyhoodfears]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
But i haven't actively looked or done anything.

Indeed, the thought of showing physical affection or anything similar fills me with a huge sense of self-disgust, ---- I've had repeated nightmares where I'm sitting with a girl and talking, ---- then suddenly I'm being accused of rape for no reason I understand.

Everyone I've developed feelings for have been friends I've known for a while.

I cannot stop seaking or relax my search because i haven't actually been searching, ---- I've been just taking all thosepeople who say "one day" at their word and waiting, ---- thinking perhaps the next female friend I fall for will be the one.

Obviously though, for me, there is no "the one" waiting at all, and I'll be better off when I stop expecting.

I have no understanding of people who say "i'll go out and find a partner when I'm ready" sinse for me, there's never been any way of finding, ----- or indeed anyone to find, ---- just my own stupidity in allowing my feelings for female friends to get out of hand.

Well, forget it.

Next time it happens, I'm walking in the other direction.

Yes, this is an atitude of resignation, ---- but it's better being resigned than hurt.


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#309395 - 11/05/09 03:42 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
Hi, I hope you don't mind me posting from a female point of view. My partner has a very low opinion of himself and alot of the time doesn't think he is 'worthy' of me or my love. This causes alot of problems in our relationship. Untill you can learn to love yourself I think it will be hard for someone else to get close to you and love you back. You sound like you have a very low opinion of yourself, perhaps if you could work on this in other ways, a relationship with someone else would become easier. Please don't lose hope, there is someone out there for everyone maybe your barriers are all thats stopping you right now. Take care xx


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#309398 - 11/05/09 06:44 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: Angelx]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks AngelX. while I appreciate the thought, people have been saying the same thing to me for years. "there's someone" etc, etc.

I've been doing recovery now for two solid years, and my principle reason has been exactly what you stated, ---- obviously my past is getting in the way, ---- so if I fix that things will change.

i come on this sight though, and read about inumerable people who have found relationships despite their problems, ----- some work some do not, but at least they've experienced something I haven't.

I'e never been looking for that perfect "till death do us part" relationship, ---- thats just too far ahead. I've just been looking for a form of closeness, ---- even temporarily that I've not experienced before.

I've had people saying "don't lose hope" and "there's someone out there" for years now.

Believing them did me no good, doing recovery did me no good.

Even now, that my depression is lessened, that I'm actually feeling creative again and no longer totally lost in the past, ---- even now, in the matter of relationships nothing continues to happen, and all that is happening is me gettig hurt for this lack of communication and closeness with another person.

If I had a penny for every person who's said "don't lose hope there's someone" or given me a list of good qualities I have and what a good boyfriend/husband i'd make, I'd be a millionair by now.

The few pieces of practical advice I've ever had, ----- such as try a dating site, I've tried.

Stil nothing.

It's very simple induction. If a premise fails in multiple circumstances via multiple experimentations, and under all conditions, it is just plain inconsistant to maintain that premise.

of course, induction isn't a perfect process, ---- but it's all we have to go on.

At the moment I am rather upset about having to make this decision, and I find myself feeling extremely bitter about it, ----- especially when i considder all those success stories.

But bitterness is easier to confront than a situation I can do nothing about.

So, here's where it ends.


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#309426 - 11/05/09 12:49 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
MPackard Offline


Registered: 12/09/08
Posts: 43
Loc: MS
So this is what I hear...you're still (after 2 years) wondering why anyone is even your friend.
You're feeling your creativity coming back.....
Your depression is lifting somewhat....
I believe that you are begining to heal. I think that your healing will be recognizible when you are no longer wondering why anyone would want to be your friend (etc...)
At this point I would say that you're simply not ready. It's very hard to be in a relationship with someone who cannot understand thier value.
I think that my husband is one of the greatest, bravest guys out there, yet he's only now (after a year in recovery)getting the slightest hint that he is a valuable member of society and certainly to his family.
I think (and I'M NO EXPERT) that you are on the road to healing but you're not ready, yet, to give yourself to a relationship....because a relationship isn't just what she/he can give to you, but what you can give to her, as well.
I say all this to say that I think you're right to stop looking, for now. You're on a good track, dont get sidetracked by ANYTHING.
I really wish you good luck.


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#309429 - 11/05/09 01:20 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: MPackard]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
To me, that's like saying, ---- you might be the world's best diamond cutting artist if you give yourself time. Get me some diamonds, ---- then I'll tell you.

there's no use saying I am or am not ready for a reltionship, sinse there's no possibility or even vague idea of me getting into one.

this is why I'd prefer to just accept this fact if I can.

No, I can't have a relationship, yes, the closest anyone's ever been to me was the way it was, ---- but those aren't things I can have any hope of changing.

I'll be better off focusing on creative work, on everything else in life and the things I can do.

Isn't there a really faous prayer which asks for the ability t change the things I can, the patience to accept the things I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference.

In terms of relationships, I was clearly not be either patient or wise enough.


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#309449 - 11/05/09 05:23 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: MPackard]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I'm gonna probably bother you but here goes. You said you have not been doing anything at all, not trying to find anyone and nothing. Hmmmmm. I guess that is a pretty reasonable outcome. smile I wonder what would happen if you actually tried to really find someone? I don't know. Maybe I'm way off track. I'm thrilled to hear that you are working in thearpy and working to learn how to love yourself. I'm not going to tell you that there is someone out there for you and that if you just give it time you'll find them. I am going to gently suggest that if you don't put yourself out there and if you are not taking risks you'll never know what is out there. I don't think you are ready for anything right now as stated already. I think you are still finding yourself. I would just hate to see you ever selling yourself short. I get that you have been frustrated. Do things to make yourself happy, find yourfelf, have fun! Find hobbies that fill your soul. Just try to not slam that door too shut. You never know who might try to walk through it. Cheer.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#309469 - 11/05/09 09:15 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dangal]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
Well dangal, you tell me then.

How would I find someone, --- what does "put yourelf out there" actually mean.

I have many female friends, ---- one consequence of doing light opera as a hobby is meeting a lot of irls, sinse for some genda sterriotyped reason more girls do tit than boys.

As Said before, I've been out for coffee etc more times than I can count, ---- as friends.

I've tried a dating site, which has been an unqualified desaster!

What else can I do? --- if you have any ideas you tell me!

Also bare in mind that being visually impared if I go to a pub alone, nobody will considder speaking to me, and if I speak to anyone else, I have to physically employ a lot of my people skills to get them to a point of actually being willing to talk to me as a human being.

I fail to see the point of clubs, ---- nor less can I dance.

So, tell me, what else can I do to "put myself out there" which I'm not doing already.

All of my friends met their respective partners in similar ways, ---- Ie, friends through mutual interest.

if anyone can make any practical suggestions I'd be glad o give them a try before I finally do slam that door, ---- the only thing coming through it is cold air and regret, ---- both things I'll be better without.


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#309555 - 11/06/09 08:21 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
bluefairy Offline


Registered: 04/04/09
Posts: 52
Hi,

I don't know if my words will mean much to you, but please don't be bitter, life can be enjoyed even if you are not currently with someone. Sure, we all want that closeness and companionship, and some days we feel the need for that more than other days, but there are many things to find joy in.

I'm in my early 20s and I've never been in anything even close to a relationship untill a couple of years ago. I thought there's probably no one who would ever like me, so I went on with life doing things I enjoy, drawing, studies etc, there were some days when I'd feel down about it. Then I made a friend who would eventually become my boyfriend. I didn't know then, but as time went on I realised what great guy he is, and I ended up with a crush on him for about a year before saying anything.

Maybe you could not slam that door shut, but leave it ajar? So you don't let some possibly amazing people walk by you.
Hugs, take care.

_________________________
There will always be a place for you in my heart

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#309559 - 11/06/09 09:04 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: bluefairy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
good for you blue fairy, your another person wfor whome tis has worked.

Lucky for you your not me.

I'm probably five or six years oldr than yout (I'm 27), and looking at things fom this side of 25, things seem different. All my friends are currently in the process of marrying ther long time partners, ---- while the closest I've been to anyone was as a teenager with having my face spat in and being called a fucking bastard.

It's precisely because! I wish to no longer feel like this and want to focus on my writing, my philosophy and everything else in life that this door must close.

Closing it is proving a hard and difficult process, ---- but it's better than the alternative.

I'm sure when I've fully accepted this truth i'll be able to be happy for others in relationships, ---- not resentful of them as I feel currently.

thanks for your words none the less.


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#309873 - 11/10/09 07:29 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: MPackard]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
darksympathy, it may well be a good decision to "stop looking". Sometimes you do have to have your house in order. I went to therapy for over a year in college because of compulsive MB and homosexual fantasies. I was a committed Christian at a small college that had been founded as a missionary training center and did not allow dancing, cussing or smoking. I had to work out my sexual identity issues to have the ability to form a relationship. In my case, although I never stopped the compulsive behavior nor the gay attractiosn, I came to the conclusion that I was Bi and could live with an exclusive relationship. I then realized that I preferred a female for that relationship because we could have a family in the traditional sense. I did deal with the fact that I had been abused as a child and that it was more severe than any incident I could remember even though we never found the memories I recently recovered.

Then, I was willing to date. There is a movie that is titled, I think, Dr Love or Love Doctor. You should see it, it is hilarious. It is about a guy that just knows how to push women's buttons. He helps guys (and girls too I think) out with their love life for a fee. All the while he is trying to figure out his own status and has a surprising amount of trouble (therapists out there can chuckle too). But I confessed to my wife that our relationship was due to just such a character. I had a roommate (Scott) who was a womanizer/male slut. When a mutual friend told me a co-worker in the cafeteria might be interested in me I consulted him on how to make it more than a one-date wonder. He coached me through what to do and how. It worked like a charm. I then had signed up to go into the Army right before the first Gulf War after graduation. I broke it off so I wouldn't have to worry about a Dear John letter in a war zone. Needless to say after I was done with training, I proposed to her.

But the root of that whole story is getting my self figured out enough to be capable of a relationship.



Edited by catfish86 (11/10/09 08:09 AM)
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#310385 - 11/14/09 12:27 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: MPackard]
purplecat Offline


Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 31
dark,

when i faced relationship problems, i found it best to look at it this way:

I may never have someone and I am ok with that eaither way.

I wouldnt say "never" i would just think that eaither way you end up, alone or with someone, YOU should be ok with that. You need to be ok with just yourself. It sounds like you are but with a more negitive spin.

I would totally focus on youself and you issues. Dont be bitter about it because anger just means you are no ok with it.

Once you feel ok with yourself, maybe a relationship will follow...maybe not. eaither way, make peace with it.

good luck.


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#310468 - 11/15/09 08:51 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: purplecat]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks Purple cat, --- your one of the few people who haven't automatically poopooed this decision.

I find myself now being able to accept this decision of mine considderably more.

Last sunday I was at a friends' birthday party. I didn't particulary fancy going, but I'd agreed to.

i was literally the only single person there.

On the other hand, the first thing tht happened when i walked through the door is a friend of mine, ---- someone I've known for years who I'm as close to as a brother/sister literally threw herself at me! ---- she's probably the only person who could do this without me going into a panic attack!

I stil do not know precisely why I cannot have a relationship. As I said, all this business of "starting darting" confuses me, sinse for all my friends who are currently engaged in mass marrying, they just ran into their partners through friendship and mutual interest.

the idea of "pushing womens buttons" I find ireally odd, ---- as i've said, about %70 of my friends are! female and I just think of them generally the same way as my male friends, ---- unless i do something stupid and fall in love with one of them as I've been idiotic enough to do.

I dont know what is wrong with me or what I do sinse this hasn't happened, ---- but ultimately, ---- does this really matter?

yes, for those who experience it that sort of intimacy is probably important, ---- but sinse I haven't, ---- why worry.

there are lots of things people find important which I don't.

I'm working on the worthlessness and the negativity with my T, ----- but ridding myself of this desire for communication with another person is helping me be hurt less, ---- and feel less negative i general sinse I can concentrate on things which I currently have, not what I don't.

i just wish people would stop with the "there's someone out there" business, ---- sinse that is distinctly not helpful.

either way my process of accepting this circmstance of mine is continuing, ---- and being less painful.


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#310472 - 11/15/09 09:45 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
purplecat Offline


Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 31
dark,

you have the right idea. gain some insight on your life and rid yourself of the worthlessness and neg before attemping a relationship. So many people enter relationships broken or half themselfs and expect someone else to make them whole. when no one can make you whole except yourself.

good luck and ive found that good freinds to talk to helps. but id keep away from anyone who has any feelings other then freinds for now.


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#310481 - 11/15/09 10:46 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: purplecat]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
Saying "attempting a relationship" makes no sense to me. As I said above it's like saying "attempting diamond cutting" ----- get me some diamonds and I'll make the attempt, ---- in the absense of diamonds, ---- or any idea how to get them, ---- why should I stil care about them?

this is something which simply exists for others and not for me.

Accepting this fact has been very difficult indeed, ---- letting go of the desire for the communication I've seen others have, ---- as well as the bitterness, and jealousy, ---- and facing up to the truth that yes, ---- the physically closest I've been to anyone was the way it was.

that I lost my virjinity in a cruel and humiliating way with a crowd of people who only sort to hurt, ----- it's not that I think there is anything special about virjinity in particular, ---- it's just the way I lost it compard to the way most people do which is at the least pleasant, ---- and the most an expresion (even short term), of the communication I want.

but is trying to find something that I've never had, and have no idea how to find anyway really so important? thi is the circumstance I have, attempting to change it, ---- or even sitting back and believing that it will change has brought only pain, ---- so it's up to me to live with it.

This isn't nice or noble or good, ---- nor (I'm realizing), is it giving up, or just another form of bitterness or self-disgust. it's simply a utilitarian decision on what is best for me.


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#310527 - 11/15/09 06:49 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
purplecat Offline


Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 31
well said. i didnt mean to imply you should 'attempt' to find someone, i ment that more people should be happy with how they are. that more people should be happy with being themself.


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#310588 - 11/16/09 05:49 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: purplecat]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
Well, ---- being "happy" with hw I am is a complicated and difficult thing, ---- especially because it implies there is something about me that I ought to be happy with, ---- something which is as unknown to me as how to "look for a relationship"

This is simply me realizing that the only thing my desire for intimacy has ever bought me is suffering, ---- and if something is painful, ---- why experience it?

there is too much which is better to experience, ---- and too much pain which is unavoidable in life to make experiencing pain which might be avoided worth while.

I'm slowly coming to realize that the experience of a relationship is just an experience, ---- perhaps an important one for many people, ---- but only another experience ultimately.

Would it be any better than watching the sun through the gates of Karnak in egypt? or performing on stage in front of 2000 people at the international G&S festival? or driving a dalek at a doctor who convention, ---- or feeling your mind race with the words of a new creative idea? ---- or even just sitting and quietly drinking coffee on my balcony?

all these are things I've experienced, ---- and fairly recently. Would the intimacy with another person be mre or less significant than any of these things?

i don't know, ---- having never experienced it, ---- but it's of no help to me to believe that it automatically trumps all of these and I'll always be lacking if I never experience it.


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#310621 - 11/16/09 10:41 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Luke.

I have been reading your post often.

I can't say I know what your going through. But, I can identify with the frustration.

I think there are two things I consider or think about when dating

My own stuff and others stuff.

The divorce rate is high and there are alot of people on dating websites so go easy on yourself.

I support you in whatever you do.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#310788 - 11/18/09 12:48 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: DJsport]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Dark,
I am sorry if I upset you. I didn't feel that I "poopooed you" either. I admitted you are not ready right now for a relationship, that you need to focus on you. I just hate feeling that you might be selling yourself short. That is all. When you close your eyes to everyone you can't see what might be there. Maybe you are correct, maybe there is not one single person in this entire world meant for you, that seems wrong as this planet holds a ton of people, but maybe it's true. Maybe it's not. You are not as old as you feel you are. Many people find love in their 30's and 40's even older. I am glad you are doing things that make you happy and as I said before, you need to be doing whatever fills your soul. I was only suggesting that if you keep an open mind that maybe, someday, someone might enjoy your company and at least you will be able to see it and not miss them as they walk by. If you haven't noticed there are an awful lot of people here that just want you to be happy. It's hard for anyone to hear that someone has said "never" on something like that. Please don't be angry at me for caring. That is all it is. I hope the best for you whatever comes your way.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#311450 - 11/22/09 08:32 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dangal]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
Hi.

On the dating website front, ---- well it's a trifle difficult for me to do anything on Eharmony when I get no communication from anyone! I'm up to about 40 matches now, and have thus far got four communications, ---- all generic reasons why my match is closed.

I think I've given my parent's suggestion, ---- suported by people like Mark from this site, ---- a fair hereing on this point.

Dangal, I'm increasingly of the opinion that what you, ----- and other people say about "don't shut the door to sometime" reminds me of one of my favourite god related jokes.

a Christian man is on a boat far out to sea which suddenly begins to sink.

He of course starts preying that God will rescue him.

An hour later, a rescue boat comes over the horizon. when they invite the man aboard he refuses to leave the sinking ship.

"no, ---- i've preyed to God, --- I have faith God will save me!"

The boats' crew plead with the man to come aboard, ---- but he absolutely refuses, ---- so eventually they sail off.

an hour later, a large ocean liner passes near the by ow almost fully submerged boat.

"oh you poor mn! please come aboard right now"

But the man on the sinking boat once again refuses.

"I'e preyed to God, ---- God will rescue me in his on good time! It would be most disloyal to him to go with you"

Once again the liner's captain urges the man to come aboard, ---- and he refuses utterly.

The boat sinks, and the man's left to tread water in the middle of the sea. By now it's been a good few hours, so he redoubles his efforts at prayers, ---- sure that God will hear him, ---- but rather wishing God would hurry up about it!

Then, he hears in engine above i the sky and a hellicopter appears with a ladder danglig right down into the water.

"Come on!" yells the pilot. "Grab the ladder and I'll pull you up!"

"no, ---- " the man gasps. "'m stil waiting for God to save me"

After some time, the wind blows up and the chopper is forced to eave.

the man is absolutely sure that God will save hi, ---- but he's now finding it hard to stay awake.

Eventually, the cold of the water sends him to sleep, ---- and he drowns.


When he reaches heaven, he gives God a right old yelling at "i was preying! but where were you?"

god replies in avery exhasperated tone.

"Oh come on! ---- I sent you two boats and a hellicopter!"

Obviously, this litle tale says something about prayer, ----- also though, it says something about expectations.

I have some wonderful friends, ---- some as close as sisters and brothers. Why should I value them less, or constantly look for something more.

I've seen this communication, ---- physically see it betwene people who are together, ---- not all the time, not even too often, ---- but occasionally. It undoubtedly exists, ---- but why do I keep chasing it to the detriment of everything else.

As I said, ---- it's an experience, nothing more, ---- an imporant one to many people, ---- but certainly not the only important or significant one in life.

Does it ultimately matter that I never experience it? ---- no!

As long as I entertain the possibility, ---- I entertain that desire within myself, a desire which has brought nothing but pain and hurt.

so, with the desire, the possibility must go too.

It's just like that old giving up drugs or alcohol slogan, ---- one drink, is one too many.

Of course, this isn't to say if the situation changes, sterriotypes reverse and someone actually made it known they wanted that sort of communication with me, ----- I'd discount the possibility or ignore it.

The search for someone who will make that move though, the belief that one day someone would, and my own eforts to find someone who would has caused such devastation.

Bettter to abandon both the belief that someone one day will, ---- against all the evidence, and accept what pleasure there is in life to begin with.

I no longer believe that someone at any point will make this initiation, ---- so this discussion is in the realms of a discussion about first contact with aliens. Possible, but unlikely given current evidence, ---- and only something which someone mentally unstable would worry over much about outside the realms of speculative fiction.

I've actually felt more at piece, more relaxed, and less bitter sinse being able to make this decision.


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#311461 - 11/22/09 10:45 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
alan55 Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
darkempathy - the best thing you can do is be you. Indeed, we here are just learning who we are,but I do mean just that. When you are out somewhere....just be the gift you are. There is no one else like you on the earth. No none like you has ever existed and no one will be like you in the future. If no one comes into your life, then so be it. I wasn't looking at all 32 years ago...and I ended up marrying her. One can never tell. Be careful and take your time.....


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#311467 - 11/23/09 12:15 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: alan55]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I wish you well. I hope you find joy in everything you do and I'm glad you have been feeling peace. I've said how I feel and there is nothing I can say nor anyone else to change how you feel. I won't keep hounding you with my thoughts on it anymore but I will always care and hope that everything you want and need will be there for you. Life is an adventure and you only get one ride. My biggest downfall is I care about people to a fault. I want everyone to be happy. smile So be happy dang it. Peace.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#311484 - 11/23/09 07:03 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dangal]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks both of you.

My tutor is now close to 50 and certainly a long way from being married. I get the impression he has had relationships in the past, ---- but is a long way from them now.

Yet I'd find it hard to imagine such a wise, compassionate, intelligent and thoughtful man, ---- or someone who I feel less admiration for. If there's an archetype of what an academic philosopher should be, ---- it's my tutor! in fact when ever I imagine Socrates, ---- it's of him I think.

and yet, he's got no wife or partner at all.

though I get the impression he's had partners in the past, he neither feels the need to seak for one, ----- nor the lack of one at the moment.

His work, his pleasures and interests, his teaching, his friends and his learning are what make up his life.

I'm a long way from being anything like him, ---- but after I've lived as long again as I have now, ---- if I end up like my tutor, ----- that certainly would be no bad thing.


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