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#310527 - 11/15/09 06:49 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
purplecat Offline


Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 31
well said. i didnt mean to imply you should 'attempt' to find someone, i ment that more people should be happy with how they are. that more people should be happy with being themself.


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#310588 - 11/16/09 05:49 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: purplecat]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Well, ---- being "happy" with hw I am is a complicated and difficult thing, ---- especially because it implies there is something about me that I ought to be happy with, ---- something which is as unknown to me as how to "look for a relationship"

This is simply me realizing that the only thing my desire for intimacy has ever bought me is suffering, ---- and if something is painful, ---- why experience it?

there is too much which is better to experience, ---- and too much pain which is unavoidable in life to make experiencing pain which might be avoided worth while.

I'm slowly coming to realize that the experience of a relationship is just an experience, ---- perhaps an important one for many people, ---- but only another experience ultimately.

Would it be any better than watching the sun through the gates of Karnak in egypt? or performing on stage in front of 2000 people at the international G&S festival? or driving a dalek at a doctor who convention, ---- or feeling your mind race with the words of a new creative idea? ---- or even just sitting and quietly drinking coffee on my balcony?

all these are things I've experienced, ---- and fairly recently. Would the intimacy with another person be mre or less significant than any of these things?

i don't know, ---- having never experienced it, ---- but it's of no help to me to believe that it automatically trumps all of these and I'll always be lacking if I never experience it.


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#310621 - 11/16/09 10:41 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Luke.

I have been reading your post often.

I can't say I know what your going through. But, I can identify with the frustration.

I think there are two things I consider or think about when dating

My own stuff and others stuff.

The divorce rate is high and there are alot of people on dating websites so go easy on yourself.

I support you in whatever you do.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#310788 - 11/18/09 12:48 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: DJsport]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Dark,
I am sorry if I upset you. I didn't feel that I "poopooed you" either. I admitted you are not ready right now for a relationship, that you need to focus on you. I just hate feeling that you might be selling yourself short. That is all. When you close your eyes to everyone you can't see what might be there. Maybe you are correct, maybe there is not one single person in this entire world meant for you, that seems wrong as this planet holds a ton of people, but maybe it's true. Maybe it's not. You are not as old as you feel you are. Many people find love in their 30's and 40's even older. I am glad you are doing things that make you happy and as I said before, you need to be doing whatever fills your soul. I was only suggesting that if you keep an open mind that maybe, someday, someone might enjoy your company and at least you will be able to see it and not miss them as they walk by. If you haven't noticed there are an awful lot of people here that just want you to be happy. It's hard for anyone to hear that someone has said "never" on something like that. Please don't be angry at me for caring. That is all it is. I hope the best for you whatever comes your way.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#311450 - 11/22/09 08:32 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dangal]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi.

On the dating website front, ---- well it's a trifle difficult for me to do anything on Eharmony when I get no communication from anyone! I'm up to about 40 matches now, and have thus far got four communications, ---- all generic reasons why my match is closed.

I think I've given my parent's suggestion, ---- suported by people like Mark from this site, ---- a fair hereing on this point.

Dangal, I'm increasingly of the opinion that what you, ----- and other people say about "don't shut the door to sometime" reminds me of one of my favourite god related jokes.

a Christian man is on a boat far out to sea which suddenly begins to sink.

He of course starts preying that God will rescue him.

An hour later, a rescue boat comes over the horizon. when they invite the man aboard he refuses to leave the sinking ship.

"no, ---- i've preyed to God, --- I have faith God will save me!"

The boats' crew plead with the man to come aboard, ---- but he absolutely refuses, ---- so eventually they sail off.

an hour later, a large ocean liner passes near the by ow almost fully submerged boat.

"oh you poor mn! please come aboard right now"

But the man on the sinking boat once again refuses.

"I'e preyed to God, ---- God will rescue me in his on good time! It would be most disloyal to him to go with you"

Once again the liner's captain urges the man to come aboard, ---- and he refuses utterly.

The boat sinks, and the man's left to tread water in the middle of the sea. By now it's been a good few hours, so he redoubles his efforts at prayers, ---- sure that God will hear him, ---- but rather wishing God would hurry up about it!

Then, he hears in engine above i the sky and a hellicopter appears with a ladder danglig right down into the water.

"Come on!" yells the pilot. "Grab the ladder and I'll pull you up!"

"no, ---- " the man gasps. "'m stil waiting for God to save me"

After some time, the wind blows up and the chopper is forced to eave.

the man is absolutely sure that God will save hi, ---- but he's now finding it hard to stay awake.

Eventually, the cold of the water sends him to sleep, ---- and he drowns.


When he reaches heaven, he gives God a right old yelling at "i was preying! but where were you?"

god replies in avery exhasperated tone.

"Oh come on! ---- I sent you two boats and a hellicopter!"

Obviously, this litle tale says something about prayer, ----- also though, it says something about expectations.

I have some wonderful friends, ---- some as close as sisters and brothers. Why should I value them less, or constantly look for something more.

I've seen this communication, ---- physically see it betwene people who are together, ---- not all the time, not even too often, ---- but occasionally. It undoubtedly exists, ---- but why do I keep chasing it to the detriment of everything else.

As I said, ---- it's an experience, nothing more, ---- an imporant one to many people, ---- but certainly not the only important or significant one in life.

Does it ultimately matter that I never experience it? ---- no!

As long as I entertain the possibility, ---- I entertain that desire within myself, a desire which has brought nothing but pain and hurt.

so, with the desire, the possibility must go too.

It's just like that old giving up drugs or alcohol slogan, ---- one drink, is one too many.

Of course, this isn't to say if the situation changes, sterriotypes reverse and someone actually made it known they wanted that sort of communication with me, ----- I'd discount the possibility or ignore it.

The search for someone who will make that move though, the belief that one day someone would, and my own eforts to find someone who would has caused such devastation.

Bettter to abandon both the belief that someone one day will, ---- against all the evidence, and accept what pleasure there is in life to begin with.

I no longer believe that someone at any point will make this initiation, ---- so this discussion is in the realms of a discussion about first contact with aliens. Possible, but unlikely given current evidence, ---- and only something which someone mentally unstable would worry over much about outside the realms of speculative fiction.

I've actually felt more at piece, more relaxed, and less bitter sinse being able to make this decision.


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#311461 - 11/22/09 10:45 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
alan55 Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
darkempathy - the best thing you can do is be you. Indeed, we here are just learning who we are,but I do mean just that. When you are out somewhere....just be the gift you are. There is no one else like you on the earth. No none like you has ever existed and no one will be like you in the future. If no one comes into your life, then so be it. I wasn't looking at all 32 years ago...and I ended up marrying her. One can never tell. Be careful and take your time.....


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#311467 - 11/23/09 12:15 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: alan55]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I wish you well. I hope you find joy in everything you do and I'm glad you have been feeling peace. I've said how I feel and there is nothing I can say nor anyone else to change how you feel. I won't keep hounding you with my thoughts on it anymore but I will always care and hope that everything you want and need will be there for you. Life is an adventure and you only get one ride. My biggest downfall is I care about people to a fault. I want everyone to be happy. smile So be happy dang it. Peace.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#311484 - 11/23/09 07:03 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dangal]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks both of you.

My tutor is now close to 50 and certainly a long way from being married. I get the impression he has had relationships in the past, ---- but is a long way from them now.

Yet I'd find it hard to imagine such a wise, compassionate, intelligent and thoughtful man, ---- or someone who I feel less admiration for. If there's an archetype of what an academic philosopher should be, ---- it's my tutor! in fact when ever I imagine Socrates, ---- it's of him I think.

and yet, he's got no wife or partner at all.

though I get the impression he's had partners in the past, he neither feels the need to seak for one, ----- nor the lack of one at the moment.

His work, his pleasures and interests, his teaching, his friends and his learning are what make up his life.

I'm a long way from being anything like him, ---- but after I've lived as long again as I have now, ---- if I end up like my tutor, ----- that certainly would be no bad thing.


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